Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

Sorry ive just realised there is an update which have not seen .

@MustWeDoThis , why bother reading the thread when you can emit a load of sanctimonious hot air instead.

Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way.?

You should already have told your DD that this is not going to happen if she returns, you're not putting up with it, and that her Dad needs a peaceful home life. & if that if she cant deal with that and needs things dobe ger way, then go look for a flatshare

Initially I read and thought wow, your H is unreasonable. But now, I dont think so. He isn't well. & You're part of the issue because even in the way you speak, and describe situation/daughter - you sound so passive.

Sit down with your daughter set out the grounds rules and that your home is your haven so don't bring stress into it.

Be interesting to have an update when she is back with you, which she may be now.

Surely this isn't a debate. Your children should always be able to come home, no matter their age.

Square that up with the "at what age do you plan to down size?" posts.

As much as any parent wants to be able to welcome their adult children back if they need to return, at some point the parents will want to embrace retirement. Do they owe their adult children a place to live (not just stay while they get sorted), at the expense of their own lives? Should you keep rattling around in a 5 bed when a 2 bed would be far more mangeable and practical "just in case"?

As an adult who has divorced twice, fleeing DV the second time, I assumed that I had to find a solution myself. My parents would help me out but it has never been assumed that I would be able to go back full time. My sister would say the same. They love us both hugely and I am their carer.

We are 50 ish between us. So you might say that we are older so its different, but what age do the kids have to before its ok to say "no, I will help but you cant live here".

Hi OP wondering how it’s going for you. I always hear that children need to leave home before they appreciate what their parents provide and I wondered if that is the case for you - I hope so. If you feel able to it would be helpful to know but no worries if not. Unfortunately some posters on here were unkind to you so would understand.