Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

We have both our DC home with us (31/28) for exactly the same reasons. Rents around here - where their jobs are - are brutal. Can't see anything changing in the short term.

I would have been horrified if my DH was behaving like yours @worriedmum64

Totally depends on the situation.

Once children have left , it is healthy for them to lead independent lives and then you develop adult relationships.

If you live in a mansion and won’t disturb each other, it is easy to welcome an adult child back. If it is a small house and you like your sleep and they will keep you up half the night, no way Jose!

I do think that if you will fall out by saying no, then this is a problem. It is more like blackmail if you are trading cheap/free housing for a relationship with your parents.

I don't believe your dh does 'adore' your DD. Otherwise he would help her in her hour of need. I know it might not be easy but you could as you say set out ground rules, no leaving communal areas in a mess, and to cc lear up after herself and use washing machine on a day you don't need to use it eg if you do laundry Saturday morning every week then she can't do hers then. 25 is not very old and everyone knows how expensive London is. If she's in a house share she won't be able to save as much. Has your DH considered if he turns your own DD away after she has asked for help it might sour his future relationship with her. I'm assuming her room is still empty? Why don't you get a say? Is your DH your Lord and Master who no one can question or disagree with? Stand up for your DD. She needs her Mum on her side. I knew I could always go home, even after I married if I needed to. My DC all know there will always be a room available for them in my home even though they have all 3 now bought their own homes. Children are for life not just until 18 years.

It really feels unfair to judge your dh without knowing what this 'difficult to live with...wanting things her own way' is actually like. I could live with a bit of mess and hogging of the bathroom but I'd find it hard to welcome my kids home with open arms if they were rude and disrespectful.

Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way. She was frankly awful to live with for several years before she went to University and for a couple of the holidays when she was home from university but since then has really grown up and become easier (although still hard) and a reasonable human being. No-one would call her easy going but she is a lovely person. My DH also has a life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes and I am wondering if there is an issue around this. But he hasn't said that.

It seems reasonable that someone with a life limiting illness wouldn't want another person who is really hard work living with them.

I think it’s so hard for young people to get going nowadays. My niece who is 27 has just split from her boyfriend after 4 years and asked to move back in with my sister, her mum. My sister is horrified, my niece is hard work, high maintenance, very domineering and opinionated and will definitely be out partying hard now she’s single again. I know my sister has reluctantly said yes but is hoping she’ll find another option eg a friend looking for a flat mate.

Would your dh agree to setting out rules with the view of them being reviewed every 3 months? Make it clear to your dd that you want to help, but that as things have been difficult in the past and your dh has medical issues, that she can stay providing things remain harmonious? Then review periodically with the understanding that if she's unable to keep things pleasant at home, that she’ll need to sort somewhere else to live? It would be an incentive for your dd to make a serious effort and also reassure your dh that if things are not going well, then you're not committed for a while year and she can make alternative arrangements. If he's really made his mind up, trying to reach some sort of compromise / middle ground might be your only hope.

Is DH DD's dad?
Not that it really makes any difference, as a mother I would let my children back home at any age. It has always been made clear by my parents that I could go back whenever I need to. Why does dh get the final say?

In my house your dh would have to lump it.

Just agree house rules with dd.

Which London hospital is she at?

quite a few have nurses/dr’s accommodation still which is incredibly cheap. it’s often on or in the hospital grounds too no commute costs.

worth asking.

This one is crying out for compromise. Can you suggest she lives with you for 6 months instead of a year?

You could lay down some ground rules and see how she reacts. Tell her she must:

• put the amount she was paying in rent each month into a high interest savings account and not touch it.
• pay 1/3 of utilities at home including water, phone and Wifi, electricity, gas, council tax.
• contribute to food bills and cook for the whole family twice a week and clear up evening meals twice a week.
• clean up after any snacks she preps, clean bath, basin and loo after use.
• come home quietly after midnight
• do her own washing in a timely manner (not leaving it in washer or dryer all day)
• help with keeping the house clean and tidy every week by doing agreed chores and by picking up after herself

If she is absolutely fine with this and realises it is entirely reasonable, then she's grown up a bit and will be fine to live with. If she seems a bit put out and as if you are being hard on her for asking her to do her share, then you need to tell her that these are the terms and if she doesn't like them, she can look elsewhere.

If she wants more autonomy she could look into housesitting long term for free or a small rent in exchange for keeping a home clean, tidy, aired, occupied and sometimes looking after pets too.

What does “very hard to live with” mean? I think we need examples. If there was physical or verbal abuse by DD then I can see why DH might feel the way he does. If it was leaving coffee cups in the living room then far less so.

Home is home. She is your child whether she is 25 or 45 and at the moment she needs a dig out. I'd understand if there was drug abuse or violence or extreme incompetence in the picture but you've said she's working and saving. Living with her parents probably isn't her ideal either. Rent in large cities is brutal. Flatsharing and maturing from school/uni age to a working independent adult has probably taught her a few things about how to co-habit with others. Set some clear ground rules and tell your DH he's welcome to rent elsewhere for a year.

My DH also has a life limiting illness and can be in a lot of pain sometimes and I am wondering if there is an issue around this. But he hasn't said that.

Doesn't really need saying does it that someone who is difficult to live with & "bickers" wouldn't be ideal?

I can see why your dh is reluctant if she is so difficult to live with. You'd think she would make some effort to be amenable to live with. Does she have enough self awareness to be able to be able to change?

OP I’m confused when you say “I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no”. Have you and your husband already discussed it and agreed that you’re going to say no? If not, why is that the definite decision? Do you think your husband is posting on a forum saying he’s disappointed because your daughter is moving back in?

I think you have to sit down with your DH and talk through the pros and cons, and the situations which are acceptable and unacceptable. Then present it to your daughter as a sort of contract. If she’s difficult to live with, then she has to address this and modify her behaviour, otherwise the deal is off.

Our DD can be hard to live with. She likes things done her way. She was frankly awful to live with for several years before she went to University and for a couple of the holidays when she was home from university

Yeah I’m with your DH.

He is unwell and in pain. And stop with the dramatic language - he hasn’t told her to “go away” like he’s leaving her to live on the streets ffs. He is offering to help pay towards her rent.

The fact that she’s turned up on your doorstep and told you she’ll have to come back to stay rather than asked if that would be possible, already shows her attitude.

Wife and I have two adult children who have moved out. we would never turn them away if they needed to return.

No man would tell me my child couldn’t come to live back at home.

But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no.

We?? You’re not saying no! When did you lose your agency in your marriage? Did you ever have any?

I’m all for offspring flying the nest and being independent but - for a specific reason and a time-limited period - I don’t think I’d say no.

I moved in and out of my parents a couple of times in my twenties and my kids can always return whenever they wish too, your ‘Dh’ sounds like an arsehole

Oh this makes me sad. 25 is still young and circumstances can change quickly. I moved out at 19, and have lived independently ever since, but if something had happened, relationship breakdown for example (which well could have been possible being with the same person since 17), I know my mum would have had me back with open arms. Even now at 39, with my own two children, she says she will always keep a spare room incase one of us ever needs to come back home. I couldn't imagine ever telling my DD that she was out in her own with no fall back option. Admittedly she's 9, so a long way off this, but I hope I will always be able to make my children feel welcome to run to me if and when they may need to.

In what way is she "difficult to live with"?

You haven't really explained, apart from that she likes things done in certain ways. Can you explain more, and give example of when it has impacted your DH?

What does he say are the reasons for his decision? He needs to be able to at least explain why he is being so adamant.

There’s a big difference in behaviour between teens and 25. If OP says she’s grown up since then I believe her.

I’m fairly sure posters on this thread wouldn’t want their teen years to define them indefinitely.

And were you a difficult person to live with and were either of your parents living with chronic pain?