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Original poster

Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

857 replies

worriedmum64 · 18/01/2024 13:37

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

OP posts:
Isthatajay · 20/01/2024 20:07

Yeah, look. I just want to know why husbands say is the final say. You need to find some middle ground on this. Even if you agree to support your daughter but set some ground rules first.

Isthisthisreallife · 20/01/2024 20:28

This is so sad. I’m 33 and up until 3 years ago, after finding myself in a similar situation, I lived with my dad which I’m so grateful for and even now he’s there when I need him for anything.
IMO children are for life and not for the first 18 years for you to then wash your hands of them, especially in time of need.
Is there more to the situation to make him so hell bent on not having her back? She’s difficult how?

I have a daughter myself and can’t imagine ever doing this to her.

Caththegreat · 20/01/2024 20:45

Not just brutal for the young

Someone55 · 20/01/2024 20:50

Is your husband expecting you to break the bad news to her? Could you and your husband not come up wirh a list of rules she must stick to before discussing her moving in? My daughter moved back in with us when she was 30 and stayed for 2 years rent free until she bought her own house - it wasn’t all hunkydory but there’s no way we’d have turned her away.

isabelled · 20/01/2024 21:11

This reply has been deleted

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Sennelier1 · 20/01/2024 21:28

There is and there will always be a place for our children in our house, our home. Yes, with their partner and their own children. That goes for my grandchildren as well. No way will I ever turn my loved ones away.

LBFseBrom · 20/01/2024 21:33

I would have thought your husband could suck it up for a year. She is his daughter after all and isn't asking to live with you indefinitely.

As she plans to buy a flat with her boyfriend, the alternative would be for her and him to rent a very small, furnished flat together and aim to save roughly a third of their joint income. That is possible, plenty of young couples do it (and it would give them an idea whether or not they will be happy long term). Perhaps you could help them out a bit with money for that.

Jennaxoxox · 20/01/2024 22:01

If my dh was wanting to do this to one of our children I would make it clear to our children that dad said no, not me 🤣. He can risk the relationship breakdown in his own. I think if you were to tell him, you are going to blame him entirely for the no answer, he may rethink his choice. It's one thing to have a united front, but it's very different to be shouldering the outcome of that no answer entirely alone.

Radzismrs · 21/01/2024 00:16

Simple solution: tell dh to move out and share a place with some strangers and move in with dd. This shouldn't even be up for discussion.

EarringsandLipstick · 21/01/2024 03:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It's certainly not OP's DD who sounds 'ghastly' here.

What a horrible post. 😡

MustWeDoThis · 21/01/2024 04:32

There's a word for men who enforce their opinion and choices on their partner. O/P - Are you afraid to stand up to your husband and tell him you will choose your child any day over him and if he doesn't like it he can P*ss off!?

All kids argue with their parents, no matter what age. We want them to be like us and live in our generation, they want us to bugger off and catch up with present day. That doesn't mean they are any less of a responsibility. Helping your child enables them to move out faster and enables them into a better life. I've never understood parents who just willingly stand by and watch their child struggle, when there really is no need to. If you have the means to provide stable support - Do it.

We feed and dress them as babies, infants etc, hand hold them as Junior's and Teen's. As adults we should still continue to support them in any way possible. Those children are the one's whom will take cafe of us when we are sick, and/or elderly. Ask your husband does he expect her to look after him when he's old? Or should she turn to him and say no? Ask him how he would feel if she abandons him when he's old and cannot be bothered with him. If she never asks him to walk her down the aisle, if she never allows him a relationship with his grandchild if she wants children, ask him is he willing to risk all of that?

I would move her in. Don't enable your husband's destruction of your daughter. You will fully regret it and in the end you will resent your husband even more.

If your husband leaves when your daughter moves in - Lucky escape for you both. He's showed his true, toxic colours.

He doesn't deserve to be called Dad and I hope you let him read this.

Even I'm feeling angry for your daughter and I don't even know her.

Josette77 · 21/01/2024 05:06

MustWeDoThis · 21/01/2024 04:32

There's a word for men who enforce their opinion and choices on their partner. O/P - Are you afraid to stand up to your husband and tell him you will choose your child any day over him and if he doesn't like it he can P*ss off!?

All kids argue with their parents, no matter what age. We want them to be like us and live in our generation, they want us to bugger off and catch up with present day. That doesn't mean they are any less of a responsibility. Helping your child enables them to move out faster and enables them into a better life. I've never understood parents who just willingly stand by and watch their child struggle, when there really is no need to. If you have the means to provide stable support - Do it.

We feed and dress them as babies, infants etc, hand hold them as Junior's and Teen's. As adults we should still continue to support them in any way possible. Those children are the one's whom will take cafe of us when we are sick, and/or elderly. Ask your husband does he expect her to look after him when he's old? Or should she turn to him and say no? Ask him how he would feel if she abandons him when he's old and cannot be bothered with him. If she never asks him to walk her down the aisle, if she never allows him a relationship with his grandchild if she wants children, ask him is he willing to risk all of that?

I would move her in. Don't enable your husband's destruction of your daughter. You will fully regret it and in the end you will resent your husband even more.

If your husband leaves when your daughter moves in - Lucky escape for you both. He's showed his true, toxic colours.

He doesn't deserve to be called Dad and I hope you let him read this.

Even I'm feeling angry for your daughter and I don't even know her.

You're not only angry and don't know her, but you're angry and didn't read ops posts.

Her DD was difficult and had police involvement as a teen. Her dh has a life limiting illness and is in constant pain.

Oh, and most importantly they have agreed to let her move in! And she has admitted she was difficult before!

I wish people read ops post before responding.

saraclara · 21/01/2024 08:03

There's a word for men who enforce their opinion and choices on their partner

Just as an that he hasn't done that, then @MustWeDoThis . Maybe read all OP 's posts before wasting your time writing such an angry essay.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/01/2024 09:27

MustWeDoThis · 21/01/2024 04:32

There's a word for men who enforce their opinion and choices on their partner. O/P - Are you afraid to stand up to your husband and tell him you will choose your child any day over him and if he doesn't like it he can P*ss off!?

All kids argue with their parents, no matter what age. We want them to be like us and live in our generation, they want us to bugger off and catch up with present day. That doesn't mean they are any less of a responsibility. Helping your child enables them to move out faster and enables them into a better life. I've never understood parents who just willingly stand by and watch their child struggle, when there really is no need to. If you have the means to provide stable support - Do it.

We feed and dress them as babies, infants etc, hand hold them as Junior's and Teen's. As adults we should still continue to support them in any way possible. Those children are the one's whom will take cafe of us when we are sick, and/or elderly. Ask your husband does he expect her to look after him when he's old? Or should she turn to him and say no? Ask him how he would feel if she abandons him when he's old and cannot be bothered with him. If she never asks him to walk her down the aisle, if she never allows him a relationship with his grandchild if she wants children, ask him is he willing to risk all of that?

I would move her in. Don't enable your husband's destruction of your daughter. You will fully regret it and in the end you will resent your husband even more.

If your husband leaves when your daughter moves in - Lucky escape for you both. He's showed his true, toxic colours.

He doesn't deserve to be called Dad and I hope you let him read this.

Even I'm feeling angry for your daughter and I don't even know her.

lol reading this makes me think that on mumsnet there is a lot of women on mumsnet who only got married to have kids. A lot don’t seem to even like their husbands and treat them with utter contempt, it’s all about the children (even when said children are like 35). Bizarre.

CharlotteRumpling · 21/01/2024 09:46

I agree the sanctimony is very thick on this thread.

Bracksonsboss · 21/01/2024 10:18

Isthisthisreallife · 20/01/2024 20:28

This is so sad. I’m 33 and up until 3 years ago, after finding myself in a similar situation, I lived with my dad which I’m so grateful for and even now he’s there when I need him for anything.
IMO children are for life and not for the first 18 years for you to then wash your hands of them, especially in time of need.
Is there more to the situation to make him so hell bent on not having her back? She’s difficult how?

I have a daughter myself and can’t imagine ever doing this to her.

Edited

Read the thread. There is more to it and it is now resolved.

Bracksonsboss · 21/01/2024 10:19

MustWeDoThis · 21/01/2024 04:32

There's a word for men who enforce their opinion and choices on their partner. O/P - Are you afraid to stand up to your husband and tell him you will choose your child any day over him and if he doesn't like it he can P*ss off!?

All kids argue with their parents, no matter what age. We want them to be like us and live in our generation, they want us to bugger off and catch up with present day. That doesn't mean they are any less of a responsibility. Helping your child enables them to move out faster and enables them into a better life. I've never understood parents who just willingly stand by and watch their child struggle, when there really is no need to. If you have the means to provide stable support - Do it.

We feed and dress them as babies, infants etc, hand hold them as Junior's and Teen's. As adults we should still continue to support them in any way possible. Those children are the one's whom will take cafe of us when we are sick, and/or elderly. Ask your husband does he expect her to look after him when he's old? Or should she turn to him and say no? Ask him how he would feel if she abandons him when he's old and cannot be bothered with him. If she never asks him to walk her down the aisle, if she never allows him a relationship with his grandchild if she wants children, ask him is he willing to risk all of that?

I would move her in. Don't enable your husband's destruction of your daughter. You will fully regret it and in the end you will resent your husband even more.

If your husband leaves when your daughter moves in - Lucky escape for you both. He's showed his true, toxic colours.

He doesn't deserve to be called Dad and I hope you let him read this.

Even I'm feeling angry for your daughter and I don't even know her.

Angry much?? Read the thread and then you wouldn’t come across as so ignorant.

Blueink · 21/01/2024 10:45

I hope it works well for the family, given all the circumstances.

Shocked by responses (that continue to come 😅) as don’t think DH had done anything wrong and in fact it’s pretty generous to offer to financially subsidise DD housing costs so she can continue to live as an independent adult at 25.

The DD is being a bit precious that she doesn’t want to live in a house share and wants to save money to buy a place with her BF by living at home. It’s not like she’s in a terrible situation and has to come home, she just wants to.

Hopefully she will mend bridges by how behaves once she’s there as doesn’t stress out her unwell DF.

Lampzade · 21/01/2024 12:42

MustWeDoThis · 21/01/2024 04:32

There's a word for men who enforce their opinion and choices on their partner. O/P - Are you afraid to stand up to your husband and tell him you will choose your child any day over him and if he doesn't like it he can P*ss off!?

All kids argue with their parents, no matter what age. We want them to be like us and live in our generation, they want us to bugger off and catch up with present day. That doesn't mean they are any less of a responsibility. Helping your child enables them to move out faster and enables them into a better life. I've never understood parents who just willingly stand by and watch their child struggle, when there really is no need to. If you have the means to provide stable support - Do it.

We feed and dress them as babies, infants etc, hand hold them as Junior's and Teen's. As adults we should still continue to support them in any way possible. Those children are the one's whom will take cafe of us when we are sick, and/or elderly. Ask your husband does he expect her to look after him when he's old? Or should she turn to him and say no? Ask him how he would feel if she abandons him when he's old and cannot be bothered with him. If she never asks him to walk her down the aisle, if she never allows him a relationship with his grandchild if she wants children, ask him is he willing to risk all of that?

I would move her in. Don't enable your husband's destruction of your daughter. You will fully regret it and in the end you will resent your husband even more.

If your husband leaves when your daughter moves in - Lucky escape for you both. He's showed his true, toxic colours.

He doesn't deserve to be called Dad and I hope you let him read this.

Even I'm feeling angry for your daughter and I don't even know her.

Read the OP’s posts ffs

LBFseBrom · 21/01/2024 13:53

Thank you for returning and updating, Worriedmum. I am sure you and your husband have made the right decision and wish the three of you all the very best.

Wearegettingfedup · 21/01/2024 14:52

Why can't people read OP updates?????
Am glad everyone is agreeable now OP.

Madmanc · 21/01/2024 17:50

I was so grateful to my parents when they had me and my 2 children to stay for 18 months after my divorce - I don’t know how I would have managed without them tbh.
My daughter lived in halls at Uni & then house shared with some friends for 2 years. At age 24 she wanted to save for a house so came home for a period of time - not an issue at all. When they return home after living away then things are usually very different. She always offered to help, she paid us keep & she was very independent. Also we didn’t need to “parent” her as she was an adult. As long as we knew she was ok she could come & go as she pleased.
It would never cross my mind to refuse either of my children or step children a home if we could help them out & the same will go for our grandchildren.

GabriellaFaith · 21/01/2024 17:59

I feel so sad reading this. I understand there needs to be some ground rules and respect, but I cannot believe you are thinking of saying no to your child when they have asked for help. I wouldn't even have to ask my parents and I don't ever want my kids to feel they do either. This is always their home whenever they need it. End of.

MissDemelzaCarne · 21/01/2024 20:11

GabriellaFaith · 21/01/2024 17:59

I feel so sad reading this. I understand there needs to be some ground rules and respect, but I cannot believe you are thinking of saying no to your child when they have asked for help. I wouldn't even have to ask my parents and I don't ever want my kids to feel they do either. This is always their home whenever they need it. End of.

RTFT or at least the OP’s updates.

End of 🙄

Missimnot · 25/01/2024 14:44

What is going on for your dh to ellicit this reaction ?
is there history of problems ? Has he got used to living a certain way of life / become set in his ways that makes him perceive this as a threat ?
its all very well saying my dc always have a home with me etc .. but this does not help the op here…
i think this is about communication and possibly anxiety.? People react for a reason mostly .. if be finding out what has prompted this reaction and try to dispel the anxiety or issues.. for the sack of all relationships here.. then if it really cant be that dd can stay with you , with rules or whatever , then you may neednto look at supporting financially if poss for her to rent?
or buy? Is this a thought through thing or a knee jerk reaction on dd part?
i thjnk it is hard for young people.. however it is also hard for some parents too who lool forward to a time when they can just live with their spouse and that( despite what mumsnet says at times ) is a perfectly natural wish too .