Dd wants to come home - dh doesn't want her to

[worriedmum64]

DD is aged 25. Lived away from home during her university years, stayed with us for around a year when COVID was at its peak and lived in a flatshare for the last 2 and a half years or so.

She has just been given notice that her rent is going up by about 15%. None of her or her flatmates can afford it, so they all have to look for a new place to live. They are going to be looking separately due to different requirements. DD arrived at ours yesterday very stressed and saying that she was going to have to move back in with us. That London rents have priced her out of the market (they are very expensive and she is a band 5 NHS employee so not on a huge amount of money). She has a plan which we have talked about before, she wants to buy a flat with her boyfriend, we would put some money towards it, but they still need to continue saving.

Dd thinks that if she came home for what would likely be a year she could save the money she needs. Her boyfriend is also currently living at home.

DH has gone bonkers saying she can never live with us again, it is too stressful. That she needs to find a flatshare with strangers and if it is too expensive we will pay her money towards the rent. This makes no sense financially and DD really doesn't want to live with people that she doesn't know. She will also not be able to save for a flat. But more importantly I am so disappointed that DD has asked us for help and we are going to say no. I do not want her to come home particularly in an ideal situation but I think that we need to help her as she has asked.

DH is refusing to back down, he is adamant that she can not return to live with us. He hasn't told her this yet - we are meeting her on Saturday to discuss. When I was in my 20s I knew that my mum and dad weren't there for me in any way and it hurt me. I don't want my DD to be in the same position - to have asked for help and told to go away. I am surprised at my DH's stance on this, he is normally reasonable and kind, and adores DD.

It would be stressful having DD live with us - she can be difficult and we bicker, the house is small (DD would have her own bedroom but everything else would be shared). I think that we should set some ground rules out and swallow it for a year. DH doesn't.

The situation is really upsetting me. I think that it will break DD's heart too, and that our relationship with her might never recover.

Is there anything that I can do?

God these replies. It's like reading you only get one mum threads.

There is a reason he's said no. It doesn't mean he doesn't love her but sometimes when adults clash, they can't live together. Maybe living work both you and your daughter is intolerable to him while you bicker. If she's hard work then this needs to come out when you go for peace talks. She can't suddenly announce she's moving back in and expect everything and everyone to fall into line. Bring up past examples and the expectations that will be put on here with a trial period. Maybe she'll decide otherwise herself.

Ultimately, the one who doesn't gets the final say though. Or it could end your marriage.

How bad was she, as a teenager?

Worth the hurt?

Until my grandparents (who raised me) died it never even crossed my mind that I might not be welcome to move back into their house. I did a few time over my early 20s, not for long a month or two and I always contributed but took it for granted that, that was still my home.

I think you need to find our from DH what exactly he is worried about. Then talk to DD and put in some strict guidelines as to how it will work, and for how long.

Why would he find it 'stressful'? Unless there is a massive drip-feed about how she stabbed him or something?

This is ridiculous and patently not true if you'd bothered to read all the posts on this thread.

If you possibly can afford it I’d take the financial help option. It’s fine for all those jumping on the ‘ I’d let my son/daughter stay’ bandwagon but they’re not you, and they’re certainly not your husband.
You mention your husband having an illness, he is probably dreading the stress your daughter will bring in to the household. If his illness is life limiting as you stated I’m sure he needs his final years to be as stress free as possible. Stress is totally debilitating and probably the last thing he needs.
I’d explain exactly that to your daughter, you both love her very much and say you’ll help her financially even if it’s only in a small way but a move back home is not possible.
She will find a way to make it work I’m sure, put your husband first.

In my opinion there is a big difference between the attitude and behaviour of a 18/29/20 year old coming home from uni for a bit and a qualified/ ing, studying and working 25 year old who has spread their wings for a bit and learnt about the value of money / cost of living / exhaustion of work etc.

I would set up a family meeting and draw up the guidelines that everyone needs to agree to for this, maybe a 3 month trial to see how it goes, contribution to food or she buys her own, no leaving the kitchen a mess etc, limits to friends round etc. even to go as far as how much she will save per month and for her to put that in a visible account so you can see it. All depends what the main issues your husband has with this are, is it her cooking, her noise, her lack of ability to save. Also set rules around her boyfriend and if he’s allowed to stay/ how many nights / who cooks for him etc.

but I would absolutely not accept that my husband could do a firm no on this, that wouldn’t be an option, especially as your daughter has chosen to do a job that is probably very overworked and underpaid working for the NHS and needs all the help she can get

lots ofpeople have to live on houseshares with stangers its the way it is

if he wans to help financially i dont see the problem

My 33 year old son has moved back home after a relationship breakdown.
He is no longer the messy, unreliable, rather selfish 20 year old that left last time - it's been a joy to have someone in the house again and I will miss him dreadfully when he leaves soon.

Are people actually reading the OP's updates or just enjoying the pile on?

The DH has a life limiting illness and is pain ... it also sounds as though the DD has been very difficult and challenging. I have known young adults who have returned to live at home and been an absolute nightmare ... not just leaving a few coffee mugs and glasses around.

The DH has offered to contribute towards additional rent costs so he is clearly not being heartless.

I see both sides. I moved back with. my parents at a similar age... but only for 3 months because I was starting a new job, needed to find somewhere new to live and didn't have a deposit so I stayed long enough to save the deposit then I was gone. Also, I'd like to think I was suitably respectful and responsible - didn't disturb them, did my share of chores etc etc.

I think that a year is a long time. Even more so if she's difficult to live with. x 10 if your house is small and your DH has a longterm illness.

Personally, I'd be suggesting that 1. there absolutely have to be rules in place and 2. that it's for a much shorter time period. Say 3 months while she looks for a cheaper/better option.

If, as her parents, you want to support her and help her to buy a home of her own, that's great. But in that case, you'd need to both be onside and you'd need really clear ground rules.

So she was probably a bit of a normal "young person know it all" type a few years ago?

I've already made it very VERY clear to my DC that they will always have a home here if they ever needed it when they are older (unless they turn into murderers etc obvs). Pretty sure my DP knows that he'd be out if he ever dared to refuse to let them come back if ever needed.

In your position there's not a chance I'd be backing down.

That’s really tough on you being stuck in the middle between the two people you love the most.

I can’t imagine ever refusing to have my children to move back home with me if they needed to (well, perhaps extreme circumstances eg addiction that meant it wasn’t safe for them to live with us). But equally if your house is small and your daughter has proven to be difficult to live with your husband’s views shouldn’t just be dismissed.

Also, although I wouldn’t say no to my children in this situation I’m not sure I would like them just assuming they’d move in with me with no discussion. She should have at least asked if it would be ok.

Agree with the idea to set ground rules in advance and could you also set a time limit on it eg a year?

If she is a nurse won't she be working shifts, sleeping so not just hanging around the house. I would gladly let her stay but with a few ground rules, cleaning, contributing, shopping, cooking. Has she looked at renting keyholder accommodation or hospital accommodation.

All of those saying ‘set up a trial with house rules’, what if she doesn’t stick to them?

Would you throw her on to the street or give her more and more slack until, ultimately, there were no house rules.

I am not really a believer that the trial would have any meaning.

He's probably paying all the bills & mortgage (if there is one)

but I would absolutely not accept that my husband could do a firm no on this

and why should a wife get a firm yes on this, when the husband isn't allowed a firm no? This is why OP and her DH need to get this clear between them before they get together with the DD to discuss it.

Most reasonable people would be prepared to discuss conditions on a move like this.

But again, until OP tells us that the DD ran a crack den in DHs study last time she lived with them, it's all guesswork.

I have a cousin who couldn't move home after a break-up when she was about 21 because her parents had used her room for something else, and it led to a really difficult period of her life. She went on to form dubious relationships and make decisions to move in with men based on financial necessity rather than it being the right decision, and ended up living in some really awful shared-places where her stuff was stolen, and she faced real hardship. And I often think how much of that could have been avoided (and her path in life might have been different) had she been welcomed home to re-group for a little while when she needed it at 21.

I'm not saying thats what will happen to your DD, but it is very hard for a young person to have no safety net from their family.

I really like the idea of setting out rules and agreements - thank you

THIS! be very firm regarding the rules and agreement. I would not turn my DD away, this will have a big impact on your relationship.

You say she has grown up, well let her show you.

What’s wrong with living with strangers? (Genuine question.). I lived in house shares with other young professionals in London for over a decade. It was good fun!

Op surely your dd could get together with other HCPs where she works and find somewhere that way?

I could never turn my dc away if they needed me.

Myself and my 3 grown up sibling all moved in with our parents (different times) with our partners, dc and animals due to significant house renovations or delays in onward house sales. Ranged from 3-6 months. Thankfully my parents always offered and loved having us back. They didn't want us to leave.

My current stance is that I won't be able to help my DC & see them "profit" from any so called hand outs/other help needed, when I am in my grave.
The State will cream off a fair load (not UK) I want to give as much as I can now. leaving them with happy memories of support & love.
You need to make a deal about the bickering. It is your house, you are doing her a favour, your H doesn't want the stress.
So she needs to treat you with the same courtesy as she would if she was lodging elsewhere. or the deal is off.

yes. I would say, there's a 3 month notice period and if she's not keeping to the agreement she made, she'd have that time to move out. And that would be non-negotiable.

And if the DD really has bucked her ideas up, it won'T be an issue, will it?

Gosh this is heartbreaking to read. As someone who has had to move home (to loving welcoming parents and not a question asked) I would be heartbroken to not have that support. Set the ground rules - I agree this is important, but let her come home. I think the lack of support and open arms would have damaged my relationship with my parents had this been the case. I can assure you she wants her own space as much as you want yours!

Given she’s not exhibiting any extreme behaviour and is just a bit difficult, I would be telling DH to fuck off and live somewhere else if he doesn’t like it, DD is coming home.

Who made him Master of All he Surveys?

Back your daughter OP or she may never forgive you.