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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Another Christmas ruined by adult child

195 replies

Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 17:57

Come to stay for a week. Always been a difficult, aggressive argumentative person but completely invested in the narrative that he is a good, kind, positive person and we are all horrible and critical and if he does behave in an unpleasant way in front of us it’s because me DH and his younger brother and sister are so annoying. He’s 21 and younger ones are 15 and 13 and although they adore him and look forward to seeing him they are also scared of him and so am I tbh.

Usual behaviours, which we have had this week, are -

Demanding everyone play a game then showing no patience and shouting and eventually storming off when he took offence at younger sister. Similar behaviour watching film. Commandeers living room and will only allow what he wants on TV and storms off if suggested we might not want to watch some weird space drama from 1990. Everyone left feeling upset and deeply unfestive!

Absolutely impossible to reason with him. Says we all make him behave in a certain way ie angry and impatient as we are all so annoying. Has refused to leave room all day and spoken to girlfriend who said he is the loveliest kindest person and does not recognise the person we say he is.

I just don’t know what to do. He has always been an angry bully tbh. He has no friends and is so negative about everyone and us always in the midst of some kind of conflict with someone ie at work, Uni but absolutely believes that he is put upon and victimised by the world and that he can do no wrong.

How do you get someone like that to improve their behaviour? Feels like my choice is to let him keep ruining Xmas or tell him not to come next year which will ruin Xmas in a different way and tbh probably end our relationship which I don’t want, I’m his mum.

Feeling so depressed.

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 27/12/2023 18:05

There are more choices OP. There is a middle ground. You could talk to him about why his behaviour this year was not acceptable, and you could lay down some ground rules for next year. He’s behaving like a child, perhaps he’ll have grown up a bit more by next year.

Scrantonicity2 · 27/12/2023 18:06

So he is staying with you, and his girlfriend is? Or you've spoken to her on the phone? Sorry I find it hard when people leave words out for brevity Grin Does he just like his own space?

It does sound frustrating, is he a sulky type that everyone walks on eggshells around or is there a dynamic of siblings taking the piss out of each other etc?

Tbh if he's your child I'd parent him according to the way he is acting ie like a 6yo. Did he get away with this when he was living there?

Original poster
Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 18:13

Sorry no he spoke to his girlfriend on the phone.

I tried today to speak to him and just got abuse. I tried to tell him that it was not ok to speak to me like that and he just started yelling at me to get out. He has never been able to cope with any criticism whether from a teacher or boss or us, he goes off his head. You can’t have a reasonable calm conversation with him. Tbh I suspect he is not totally neurotypical.

I have honestly never known anyone so utterly draining and exhausting. Before he left for Uni my mental health was in shreds. He is just relentlessly bad tempered and angry.

OP posts:
PartyPartyYeah · 27/12/2023 18:14

My first instinct was PDA but mentioning autism on here is frowned upon 🙈

Zombiemum1946 · 27/12/2023 18:14

If this has always been the case, has he ever been assessed for behaviour problems and/or mental health ? For it to be as aggressive as it sounds from your post, assessment would probably be beneficial. Maybe propose some sort of counselling to improve the family relationship ?

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 27/12/2023 18:15

Sounds like autistic behaviour from my POV. Obviously not all autistic people are dicks though

carolsandchristmas · 27/12/2023 18:17

Sounds like my sister. No advice. But after 35 years. I'm out. I feel ya OP.
Narcissism, autism and adhd come to mind

TomatoSandwiches · 27/12/2023 18:17

He obviously doesn't enjoy being there and no one else likes it either so I would tell him to not come or reduce his invitation.

SpeedbirdSquawker · 27/12/2023 18:19

I am autistic and this sounds like me. It's why I live alone and rarely see anyone.

I have learnt to change my behaviour when around others but it's exhausting. I'm not unkind with my behaviour though.

Original poster
Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 18:20

We got him counselling 3 years ago before he went to Uni but he went once and hardly spoke and said he wouldn’t go back. He honestly doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with his behaviour so I don’t know how I’d persuade him to see someone now.

I don’t know much about autism, is this autistic behaviour? It’s not something that has ever occurred to me in relation to him.

OP posts:
PartyPartyYeah · 27/12/2023 18:21

@Saltandvinegarsausage yeah i would say autism (I'm autistic)

Livinginanotherworld · 27/12/2023 18:22

He sounds like he needs to grow, why is he still there disrupting everyone else. I’d tell him if he can’t be civil and act his age, then leave until he can.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2023 18:33

@Saltandvinegarsausage

TBH I wouldn't have him stay. I'd have him for Xmas dinner or arrange a meal out if he lives local. But I wouldn't allow the rest of the family, including you, to be treated so horribly.

Just because he's your son doesn't mean that he should be allowed to disrupt the household and verbally abuse others. Even if he has a MH condition or is ND. He is of an age where he should understand the effect his behaviour has on others and seek help if he wants to be part of family celebrations. Or choose to stay away if he cannot/choses not to moderate his behaviour.

It would be painful to 'disinvite' him, of course, but sometimes you just have to take a hardline stance for the good of the person as well as for the good of others, even if it is your own child.

If you keep allowing him to act this way in your home you may very well 'keep' him but lose the rest of your family.

Peoplemakemedespair · 27/12/2023 18:35

I’d ask him to leave. He’s literally frightening people and ruining everyone else Xmas

Original poster
Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 18:36

Thanks acrossthepond, yeah I think younger siblings are increasingly feeling as if they would rather not have him here.

He has been like this his whole life and tbh tonight the feeling that I am stuck with this abusive angry person in my life till I die is overwhelmingly bleak.

OP posts:
Morrisons00 · 27/12/2023 18:39

sometimes some just think they are correct and everyone else is wrong,

Notsurehwhattdo · 27/12/2023 18:41

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 27/12/2023 18:15

Sounds like autistic behaviour from my POV. Obviously not all autistic people are dicks though

And not all dicks are autistic. He sounds like a dick.

SurrenderedWife · 27/12/2023 18:41

My DS hasn't left home but this is how he behaves. He has high functioning ASD with PDA tendencies.

I dread to think what things will be like when he is an adult. I suspect I will be the one picking up the pieces.

slore · 27/12/2023 18:43

PartyPartyYeah · 27/12/2023 18:21

@Saltandvinegarsausage yeah i would say autism (I'm autistic)

No. For God's sake, not everything is autism.

There is nothing in the slightest in OP's account of her son that even hints at autism.

It sounds like genuine narcissistic personality disorder (not internet "narcissism"). They cannot take criticism, and think they are great, while criticising everyone else. They think they are always right and cannot ever see other people's point of view. They typically have a victim mentality and always see themselves as a wronged party. Nothing is ever, ever their fault. ETA, like all personality disorders, their way of thinking is rigid and difficult to change.

It's probably more palatable to get an autism diagnosis, but all that would achieve is a super-special label that gives him an excuse for his bullying and unreasonable behaviour.

tokesqueen · 27/12/2023 18:43

How does he speak to his dad?

PocketPoL · 27/12/2023 18:45

Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 18:20

We got him counselling 3 years ago before he went to Uni but he went once and hardly spoke and said he wouldn’t go back. He honestly doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with his behaviour so I don’t know how I’d persuade him to see someone now.

I don’t know much about autism, is this autistic behaviour? It’s not something that has ever occurred to me in relation to him.

My mind quickly went to autism when I read this. The term isn't widely used any more but it might be worth looking into symptoms of Asperger's and seeing if this is something that could relate to him. It is possible he is masking with his girlfriend and letting it all hang out at home with you - doesn't make it okay to treat you all that way though. The out of proportion frustration and the polarised thinking stood out.

Couldyounot · 27/12/2023 18:45

He could be autistic, yes. Or he could be a twat. My money is on the latter.

Geogaddi · 27/12/2023 18:45

If I had acted this way at home my dad would have hit the f"ing roof. There is absolutely no way in hell I'd be getting my own way and I'd probably be chucked out of the house to fend for myself until I'd realised how entitled and rude my behaviour was. There were plenty of times when my parents drove me insane but I learnt to bite my tongue and be respectful. Even now at 43 I know my boundaries. I really hope you can get this sorted out.

ProfessorPeppy · 27/12/2023 18:47

He sounds neurodivergent/autistic. Difficult interpersonal relationships are absolutely typical of autism.

How would your DS feel about getting assessed?

Crikeyisthatthetime · 27/12/2023 18:47

But you're not stuck. Offer him the choice of sorting himself out, with therapy or counselling, if he wants to stay with you. Or he has to stay away. He's an adult now, the choice is his.

You need to take care of the younger siblings, he is no longer your priority.
And because he's your son and you love him, your door will always be open when he's ready to treat the rest of his family - including you, OP - with respect.
You shouldn't be afraid of your own son in your own home.

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