Page 7 | Another Christmas ruined by adult child

Tiredalwaystired · 27/12/2023 20:38

crumblingschools · 27/12/2023 18:52

If he has always been like this, why wasn’t something done about it when he was younger?

Comments like this piss me right off. It sounds like he did get offered counselling. But from experience you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. The poster said he was resistant to it.

Personally, Ive been trying for six years to persuade my daughter to get some sort of help but she clams up and won’t engage. Online, offline, through and outside school in various forms. WTF are you supposed to do if they dont accept help?

If this is me in a few years and someone tried to parent blame me, I’d hit the roof.

festivetinseling · 27/12/2023 20:41

It doesn't matter whether he is autistic or not. His behaviour is disgraceful, and you should not have to put up with it.

Niallig32839 · 27/12/2023 20:45

Do you see him at any other time? Is it only Christmas he visits the family home? Perhaps more regular contact in smaller doses might make the intense visit at Christmas easier for everyone. When everyone’s at home, no work, school and more time in front of the tv feeling obliged to stay in the same room. Some visits on an ‘average’ weekend when people are out and about and busy etc and he will need to try to fit into the family dynamic better.

Itsmychristmasdress · 27/12/2023 20:45

Op this sounds like my ds. He is 18 has got slightly better with age. He has asd and pda.
The inflexibility, the tunnel vision, the bullying behaviour and being hard done by! It's all so similar we all get on better with distance. I treat him as an adult relative and keep conversation simple.
It's tough going but it's better to keep the relationship like this. He cannot cope with others or indeed his own emotions. He is very disregulated.

My sympathies op. For Christmas day I expect the bare minimum and allow him.plenty of space.

Fleetheart · 27/12/2023 20:46

@Tiredalwaystired , couldn’t agree more. My DS has always had extremely challenging behaviour- ended up getting expelled; all sorts. I did everything I could and despite his diagnosis he didn’t get the right support at school and very often I was blamed!! The blame and the shame is the hardest thing for me about having a neuro-divergent child. In fact, he just would not comply with any of the support put in place, wouldn’t take medications d wouldn’t do counselling! He’s actually a lot better today but only because he’s chosen to go down a different route. Maybe some of the support seeped in - but frankly you do the best you can and it doesn’t always work! The refusal to conform is actually the issue, and for a parent it is extremely difficult.

MILTOBE · 27/12/2023 20:47

I would plan to go away next Christmas. I'd visit him in his hometown for lunch before that - presumably he wouldn't kick off in a restaurant over a couple of hours? You owe it to their children and yourself to have a peaceful time.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2023 20:47

People keep throwing around diagnoses, but IMHO it doesn't matter what he has or doesn't have. There is no diagnosis or illness that means it's acceptable to behave as OP's son is behaving. Nor is there any diagnosis or illness that mean that the family must subject themselves to his abuse and rages. We can 'understand' the reasons for a person's behaviour, but that doesn't mean we have to tolerate it or subject others to it. No one can force him to seek help, he's an adult. Family members can only control themselves and their reactions to him.

And each family member gets to make that decision for themselves. But if I were one of OP's other children or a son/daughter in law I would absolutely refuse to be in the same house as OP's son. And I'd flatly refuse to allow any of my children (OP's grandchildren if/when that happens) to be anywhere near him.

@Saltandvinegarsausage You mention that he has 'gone NC' in the past when he's been angered at something said or done. I think perhaps you're hoping that he makes that choice again and makes it permanent. But honestly, I don't think he will. As long as he thinks you'll take his abuse, he'll keep coming back to dish it out. I think you'll need to make that hard decision for yourself.

Have you ever considered counseling? My 'issue' was an alcoholic brother so quite different on the surface, but seeing a counselor for myself helped me see things 'straight' and understand my own behaviours and what I needed to do. And gave me the courage and belief to carry out my decision. It may help you, too.

MikeRafone · 27/12/2023 20:49

would there be any point in writing him a well constructed letter? That way he can read and digest at his leisure and if he doesn't like it and wants to block you from his life - well so be it

why did he get back in contact after 2 months last time he went no contact?

QueenMegan · 27/12/2023 20:50

Even if he's autistic he can learn boundaries as can you. Don't put up with it. He can leave

SecretDoor · 27/12/2023 20:51

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/personality-disorders/types-of-personality-disorder/

Inauthentic · 27/12/2023 20:51

Tbh I suspect he is not totally neurotypical.

That was my first thought - that there might be some kind of neurodiversity involved.

But neurodiversity aside he seems to be in some kind of a denial when it comes to his behaviour and I would find it frustrating.

StripeyDeckchair · 27/12/2023 20:52

Send him the details of the nearest premier Inn/ travel lodge & tell him that until he learns to behave and respect those living in your house he will not be welcome to stay. Set out your expectations for any visit

no control of the TV
no shouting at people
no aggressive behaviour

Etc

SkyBlueBoy · 27/12/2023 20:52

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WorriedMum231 · 27/12/2023 20:55

@Fleetheart @ProfessorPeppy

I have Autism. Also, I have two children with Autism and one with ADHD.

Itsmychristmasdress · 27/12/2023 21:00

No we are not desperate to get a diagnosis its no fucking fun I can tell you. But by learning about how others behave we can all leqrn how to manage and recognise triggers which gives all of us a happier life.
it's not an excuse but simple things such as changing wording can avoid meltdowns which aren't fun for anyone

Getting a diagnosis isn't easy. And sometimes not necessary especially at the ops sons age however learning about strategies to help everyone cope which makes for more harmonious living.

People are so desperate these days to get a "diagnosis" so they have an excuse for their kids being horrible.
**
It's also become a trend thing, like the whole being a vegan, people just can't wait to tell you.

LegoFlower · 27/12/2023 21:00

1983Louise · 27/12/2023 20:33

I'd move and not tell him, problem solved 🙈

Wow. Some people really shouldn't have children.

Flowers4me · 27/12/2023 21:01

Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 17:57

Come to stay for a week. Always been a difficult, aggressive argumentative person but completely invested in the narrative that he is a good, kind, positive person and we are all horrible and critical and if he does behave in an unpleasant way in front of us it’s because me DH and his younger brother and sister are so annoying. He’s 21 and younger ones are 15 and 13 and although they adore him and look forward to seeing him they are also scared of him and so am I tbh.

Usual behaviours, which we have had this week, are -

Demanding everyone play a game then showing no patience and shouting and eventually storming off when he took offence at younger sister. Similar behaviour watching film. Commandeers living room and will only allow what he wants on TV and storms off if suggested we might not want to watch some weird space drama from 1990. Everyone left feeling upset and deeply unfestive!

Absolutely impossible to reason with him. Says we all make him behave in a certain way ie angry and impatient as we are all so annoying. Has refused to leave room all day and spoken to girlfriend who said he is the loveliest kindest person and does not recognise the person we say he is.

I just don’t know what to do. He has always been an angry bully tbh. He has no friends and is so negative about everyone and us always in the midst of some kind of conflict with someone ie at work, Uni but absolutely believes that he is put upon and victimised by the world and that he can do no wrong.

How do you get someone like that to improve their behaviour? Feels like my choice is to let him keep ruining Xmas or tell him not to come next year which will ruin Xmas in a different way and tbh probably end our relationship which I don’t want, I’m his mum.

Feeling so depressed.

Sounds difficult and I'm not surprised you're feeling depressed. As others have suggested, I did wonder whether he has autism/PDA/PD as I've seen those behaviours in two of my ND relatives? The high anxiety of PDA can lead to controlling behaviour - I know myself how difficult it is to live with that but there is info/support out there if you think it'd help. Another thing, could his annoyance with his family be due to sensory overload - my relative can only cope with one to one interactions; family get togethers plus other sensory issues trigger overwhelm and then impatience/anger. Might be why his GF sees another side to him? Whatever the reason, if there is a reason, please look after yourself too; its hard work living with someone who is inflexible and argumentative. Counselling helped me to cope with my family member who is similar to your son.

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housingplanningquestion · 27/12/2023 21:04

I wouldn't plump for autism in my armchair diagnosis - have a look at this. I've known a few in my time and they are very hard to be around.

my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9784-paranoid-personality-disorder

1983Louise · 27/12/2023 21:04

LegoFlower · 27/12/2023 21:00

Wow. Some people really shouldn't have children.

Show quote history

LegoFlower it was a joke, we used to be able to crack.one occasionally 🙄

Ibex22 · 27/12/2023 21:06

So he can behave himself in front of his girlfriend, so much so that she doesn't recognise the person you describe?!

But treats his family like absolute shit?

As for autism, I'm pretty sure it can't be turned on and off like that! Sounds more like he's just an insufferable arsehole 🤷🏼‍♀️

AliceMcK · 27/12/2023 21:19

Going against the grain, what stood out to me was

Commandeers living room and will only allow what he wants on TV and storms off if suggested we might not want to watch some weird space drama from 1990.

Do you always belittle everything he wants to do or like?

what exactly did his sister do to make him take offence?

from your posts it is all one sided and dosnt show or explain what it is your DS is upset/angry about.

macaronicheezepleeze · 27/12/2023 21:38

I think it's time to accept that it's highly likely he may never change. If that's the case, and it really doesn't actually matter the reason why he is like this, then you need to focus on what you can do to manage the behaviour from your end and look after yourself and the rest of your family.

I would change how you spend family time together. A PP suggested that you eat out for Christmas dinner from now on. That's a really good suggestion because it means everyone is meeting up together on neutral ground and there is an obvious end to your time together. I would not have him in my home again for any extended period of time.

AllAroundMyCat · 27/12/2023 21:44

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LegoFlower · 27/12/2023 22:28

Apologies @1983Louise I didn't know you were joking! Many of the posts on this thread are so horrific it is hard to tell what is satire even when so extreme. Sorry for misunderstanding.