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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Another Christmas ruined by adult child

195 replies

Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 17:57

Come to stay for a week. Always been a difficult, aggressive argumentative person but completely invested in the narrative that he is a good, kind, positive person and we are all horrible and critical and if he does behave in an unpleasant way in front of us it’s because me DH and his younger brother and sister are so annoying. He’s 21 and younger ones are 15 and 13 and although they adore him and look forward to seeing him they are also scared of him and so am I tbh.

Usual behaviours, which we have had this week, are -

Demanding everyone play a game then showing no patience and shouting and eventually storming off when he took offence at younger sister. Similar behaviour watching film. Commandeers living room and will only allow what he wants on TV and storms off if suggested we might not want to watch some weird space drama from 1990. Everyone left feeling upset and deeply unfestive!

Absolutely impossible to reason with him. Says we all make him behave in a certain way ie angry and impatient as we are all so annoying. Has refused to leave room all day and spoken to girlfriend who said he is the loveliest kindest person and does not recognise the person we say he is.

I just don’t know what to do. He has always been an angry bully tbh. He has no friends and is so negative about everyone and us always in the midst of some kind of conflict with someone ie at work, Uni but absolutely believes that he is put upon and victimised by the world and that he can do no wrong.

How do you get someone like that to improve their behaviour? Feels like my choice is to let him keep ruining Xmas or tell him not to come next year which will ruin Xmas in a different way and tbh probably end our relationship which I don’t want, I’m his mum.

Feeling so depressed.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 27/12/2023 19:24

Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 18:13

Sorry no he spoke to his girlfriend on the phone.

I tried today to speak to him and just got abuse. I tried to tell him that it was not ok to speak to me like that and he just started yelling at me to get out. He has never been able to cope with any criticism whether from a teacher or boss or us, he goes off his head. You can’t have a reasonable calm conversation with him. Tbh I suspect he is not totally neurotypical.

I have honestly never known anyone so utterly draining and exhausting. Before he left for Uni my mental health was in shreds. He is just relentlessly bad tempered and angry.

How has he managed to get/keep a girlfriend?

Is he abusive to her too?

BeeCucumber · 27/12/2023 19:24

I think it’s probably best if he does cut you out of his life. You’ll all be much happier.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 27/12/2023 19:26

Weird space drama from 1990? Not Red Dwarf, surely?

op, tell him he isnt coming home to stay next year as his behaviour doesnt meet the minimum standards expected. He can possibly come for christmas lunch if he is confident that he can behave better, but nothing more. As soon as his behaviour becomes unacceptable to you during the meal he will be asked to leave.

and reinforce that. Even if he is sent home after five minutes.

you do not have to put up with bullies in your home.

Theunamedcat · 27/12/2023 19:27

My autistic son can behave like this hevwas offered a choice today fucking quit it or walk home

He quit the behaviour

Eekmystro · 27/12/2023 19:28

It’s unlikely you can do anything to change his behaviour If he has a strong internal narrative of himself as the victim.

All you can do is decide on your own boundaries and enforce them. It is your home and he is now old enough to find alternative plans for Xmas if he won’t stick to your boundaries.

In your shoes I’d let him leave and before he comes next time explain what your boundaries are. Maybe some might be ….
-staying no longer than 3 nights
-no shouting at people
-no insulting people

be clear you will enforce those boundaries, and follow through if he crosses them.

what he chooses to do in response to your boundaries is up to him, but allowing him to continue this abusive behaviour is not going to improve anything. I think you probably need to be willing to loose contact with him to maintain a nice home life for everyone else.

Conkersinautumn · 27/12/2023 19:28

Not Lexx then?

Pipsquiggle · 27/12/2023 19:29

It would be interesting to know about what he was like as an adolescent, if he had friends, what he was like with consequences from you and from school.

I have a DC who isn't great at feedback and who believes he is always right even when it is bloody obvious they are wrong.

Cakeandcardio · 27/12/2023 19:30

Sounds exactly like my sister. It's not normal to behave like that. I suspect my sister is a narcissist but I also see traits of ADHD in her (according to the list on NHS website).

MariaLuna · 27/12/2023 19:34

He’s 21 and younger ones are 15 and 13 and although they adore him and look forward to seeing him they are also scared of him and so am I tbh.

This makes me really sad for the 3 of you.

If he ruins the family atmosphere I wouldn't be inviting him. YOU are scared of him, imagine how it affects your other children.

QueenOfHiraeth · 27/12/2023 19:34

I would make a point of speaking to him before he leaves and explaining his behaviour is making life difficult for you and his siblings. Tell him you understand family interactions can be difficult but, as adults, we have to make a choice how to react to that irritation and ask how you can support him while he gets help with that.

Runningwater1 · 27/12/2023 19:35

@Saltandvinegarsausage does anyone else in the family act remotely like this? What does his father act like?

Snowdogsmitten · 27/12/2023 19:35

He sounds like a horrible shit. I’d be telling him to move out and stop inviting him home.

Fleetheart · 27/12/2023 19:35

He sounds like my DS who definitely has ADhD and possible autism . It’s so hard to deal with them. He’s 19. Xmas is always a challenge. I don’t have the answers however the best thing for us is actually avoidance - we all get on better if we don’t see too much of each other

LodiDodi · 27/12/2023 19:36

If his father was getting on when he had him it is likely autism, a lot of people don't know about this risk of having children when you're older. Everyone assumed men can go on producing children into middle age but this is often the consequence

VanityDiesHard · 27/12/2023 19:37

Why are people asking if he's autistic if that's some kind of excuse? It isn't, it really isn't relevant. There are lovely people who are autistic and assholes who are neurotypical. Why is it that autism is the go to explanation for every person who behaves poorly? I'm so over it.

OhwhyOY · 27/12/2023 19:43

Does he definitely behave like this with others or is it just you and his siblings? My friend has a sister like this who everyone loves as,she's sweet, funny, and kind, but with her close family she's a ball of rage. Her counsellor has helped her to realise the anger comes from having had to grow up too soon to support her alcoholic mum and younger siblings. Could there be any underlying reason for his anger?

MummyJ36 · 27/12/2023 19:43

OP is there anything in his childhood at all that was the trigger for this behaviour? I know you said he’s always been like this but was this from day one or did it come on at a certain time?

Lifeinlists · 27/12/2023 19:43

Thank your lucky stars he doesn't live with you permanently - or doesn't seem to.
I'd put money on some of that, in fact most of it, being caused by autism. He's unable to see another point of view, thinks you all see the world like he does and his view of it is the only correct one. He's going to have his way and you'd better all fit in. That is autistic behaviour and is the opposite of flexible.

Does the girlfriend actually exist? Seems hard to believe she does if his behaviour is so volatile and rigid.

Pps saying just discuss his behaviour with him and set some boundaries are assuming he's open to that.

ChampagneLassie · 27/12/2023 19:44

I don’t think your feelings are awful; he’s an adult who is treating you appallingly and by this point you should be prioritising your younger DC. I’d lay v clear ground rules. Don’t invite him next Christmas; you’re not obligated to host him.

ProfessorPeppy · 27/12/2023 19:45

@VanityDiesHard

DS1 is autistic and absolutely fabulous, really lovely. However, I can see how maladaptive coping mechanisms and extreme difficulties with social communication/imagination might mean that an autistic person might finds other people difficult to get along with (and vice Versa!). It’s often mistaken for a personality disorder, or might lead to someone being diagnosed with one.

Mynewnameis · 27/12/2023 19:45

I read it and thought possible autism

Fleetheart · 27/12/2023 19:45

I don’t think being autistic is an excuse but it explains why he sees the world very differently from someone who’s neurotypical. It helps us to get on with them better. When I learned that my father was very probably autistic it really helped us to get on. Before this I had just thought he was very self centred and resented the fact he used to bore me with long (often repeated) tales and useless facts. also it enabled me to realise that one if not both of my kids seem to have autistic traits. which helps me understand them better.

WorriedMum231 · 27/12/2023 19:45

For goodness sake, why does everyone on here jump straight to Autism all the time.

Fleetheart · 27/12/2023 19:48

@WorriedMum231 ; do you have any children with autism? do you understand it at all? people jump on it because the things that are said jump out as traits of autism / PDA.

ProfessorPeppy · 27/12/2023 19:48

For goodness sake, why does everyone on here jump straight to Autism all the time.

Because we have ND children, teach ND children, or are ND ourselves, and recognise the behaviour.

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