Another Christmas ruined by adult child

[Saltandvinegarsausage]

Come to stay for a week. Always been a difficult, aggressive argumentative person but completely invested in the narrative that he is a good, kind, positive person and we are all horrible and critical and if he does behave in an unpleasant way in front of us it’s because me DH and his younger brother and sister are so annoying. He’s 21 and younger ones are 15 and 13 and although they adore him and look forward to seeing him they are also scared of him and so am I tbh.

Usual behaviours, which we have had this week, are -

Demanding everyone play a game then showing no patience and shouting and eventually storming off when he took offence at younger sister. Similar behaviour watching film. Commandeers living room and will only allow what he wants on TV and storms off if suggested we might not want to watch some weird space drama from 1990. Everyone left feeling upset and deeply unfestive!

Absolutely impossible to reason with him. Says we all make him behave in a certain way ie angry and impatient as we are all so annoying. Has refused to leave room all day and spoken to girlfriend who said he is the loveliest kindest person and does not recognise the person we say he is.

I just don’t know what to do. He has always been an angry bully tbh. He has no friends and is so negative about everyone and us always in the midst of some kind of conflict with someone ie at work, Uni but absolutely believes that he is put upon and victimised by the world and that he can do no wrong.

How do you get someone like that to improve their behaviour? Feels like my choice is to let him keep ruining Xmas or tell him not to come next year which will ruin Xmas in a different way and tbh probably end our relationship which I don’t want, I’m his mum.

Feeling so depressed.

@Nepmarthiturn
No ignorance. I never said it was all three together 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
I mentioned different personality disorders that came to mind.
Please less of the eye roll as autism is a field I work in everyday, and have 2 child who are neurodiverse. They display behaviours albeit very differently. Don't jump on at my comment and act like I haven't experienced it first hand.
Abuse from my sister my whole life who behaves exactly the same way. She has just been diagnosed with adhd but 1000000% she is definitely a narcissist.

And when I mention diversity. I mean, usually, when a person is behaving badly. There is a reason for it. Whether it be past trauma, ASD etc.
🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Have you tried getting a child assessed for SEND or CAMHS at any point in the last forty years?

Yes a suicidal self harmer who may have been molested apparently they don't deal with that the Dr was aghast and re-referrred rejected again the social worker contacted them they said don't bother we are not getting involved the child had to go to an adult rape Councillor who was so far out of her depth it was ridiculous 10 years have passed she still self harms today

Thank you so much to everyone for all the helpful supportive replies, so much to think about.

He has been with his GF a couple of years and he’s a different person in front of her, he doesn’t act like this at all towards us and he is kind and respectful towards her. She seems to adore him.

We are in SW and he’s at Uni up north so we don’t see him a lot as he stays up there over summer living with GF family and works which tbh suits everyone. When he has come down to visit it’s with her so it’s only really Xmas that’s an issue as she spends it with her family. He has mentioned before he might spend Xmas with her next year which would solve a lot of problems!

I know we cannot do another Xmas like this. I have a lot to think about and discuss with DH about putting a plan in place for next year and there’s so much advice and help on this thread that will inform our discussion. Thank you mumsnetters.

Good luck, OP

Good luck OP; hope you find a solution that suits everyone.

So he can clearly control himself and act like a decent human being, but only in front of his GF and her family.

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him. I'd do it out of the house, just the two of you. Ask him to go for a walk or something otherwise he's just going to feel attacked and lash out.

I would say to him, look we need to have a conversation as two adults here. I need to talk to you about your behaviour. I'm probably going to say things that you don't like, but you need to listen and acknowledge what I'm saying rather than being defensive etc.

If he acts like a dick, then I would calmly tell him that he needs to head on back up to university/his GFs house (whatever/who cares where he goes) and you are willing to continue the conversation once he can take some responsibility for his actions.

Honestly OP he just sounds like an absolute brat, who thinks he knows it all, and his family are idiots who he can push around and dominate. Fuck that, he needs telling.

I've got to be honest OP, behaving as he does with his girlfriend and her family makes me think he has NPD or BPD, and I think it's only a matter of time before his girlfriend sees the nasty side of him.

I've got to be honest OP, behaving as he does with his girlfriend and her family makes me think he has NPD or BPD, and I think it's only a matter of time before his girlfriend sees the nasty side of him.

Maybe, or maybe he just differentiates between people he can treat badly and get away with it, and others who wont put up with it.

Yes. As is typical of someone with NPD or BPD. The cracks will show eventually with other people.

I think that it shows you that he's consciously making a choice to be a dick.
Frank discussions need to be had!

Autism and ADHD are not personality disorders.

And - as we can see clearly from this thread - plenty of people "behave badly" for no reason at all.

Neurodiversity has nothing to do with being "bad".

If NPD he is treating people well when he wants to impress them or charm his way into their lives. He has put them on a pedestal. He may feel he has nothing to gain from treating his family well. He may have some narrative in which he features as the family victim but he's the special newcomer in the GF's family.

He will eventually devalue them, and they will be shocked to see the reality of the person they have welcomed into their lives. It will take them a while to accept that his horrible treatment of them isn't a blip and isn't caused by anything they said or did. They will experience a period of wrenching cognitive dissonance as they try to work through this, and very likely end up traumatised.

If BPD (now generally known as emotionally unstable PD) he may have a very rigid experience of relationships and rigid perceptions of people he has relationships with, intense emotional responses to other people, and a deepseated fear of abandonment or rejection. He could very well behave very differently with different sets of people and maintain an unshakeable narrative about the relationships in his life. Until it all comes crashing down. Quite often with BPD there are a lot of people the individual doesn't talk to any more, people who did him wrong, people who ruined his life. This is either as a result of his own changing perception of them or because they decided not to put up with any more of the BS.

Individuals can have overlapping PDs.

@Saltandvinegarsausage

I know we cannot do another Xmas like this. I have a lot to think about and discuss with DH about putting a plan in place for next year and there’s so much advice and help on this thread that will inform our discussion. Thank you mumsnetters.

But is this really a 'just a Christmas' thing, he never comes home or 'misbehaves' other than at Christmas? Your plan needs to be for all the year round.

Why very clearly a personality disorder?

@AcrossthePond55 OP said he only visits without GF at Christmas. If he visits with GF he is fine. But yes the plan whatever it is needs to work for any time he may visit alone.

Poor you he sounds very difficult. I think you have to take a stand to protect your own mental health and his younger siblings. Clearly he can control it for his girlfriend so it is under his control. He's doing it because he knows he can get away with it and there are no consequences.

If you have him next year have him for a shorter period and have a conversation before hand about boundaries and expected levels of behaviour. Don't let him abuse and bully you.

Poor you it is very difficult but I think you have to stand firm and not tolerate this behaviour. Good luck xx

I realise this is a zombie thread - I only looked because someone liked my comment from two years ago.
My nephew hasn’t changed, I’m sad to say.

Zombie thread