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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Another Christmas ruined by adult child

195 replies

Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 17:57

Come to stay for a week. Always been a difficult, aggressive argumentative person but completely invested in the narrative that he is a good, kind, positive person and we are all horrible and critical and if he does behave in an unpleasant way in front of us it’s because me DH and his younger brother and sister are so annoying. He’s 21 and younger ones are 15 and 13 and although they adore him and look forward to seeing him they are also scared of him and so am I tbh.

Usual behaviours, which we have had this week, are -

Demanding everyone play a game then showing no patience and shouting and eventually storming off when he took offence at younger sister. Similar behaviour watching film. Commandeers living room and will only allow what he wants on TV and storms off if suggested we might not want to watch some weird space drama from 1990. Everyone left feeling upset and deeply unfestive!

Absolutely impossible to reason with him. Says we all make him behave in a certain way ie angry and impatient as we are all so annoying. Has refused to leave room all day and spoken to girlfriend who said he is the loveliest kindest person and does not recognise the person we say he is.

I just don’t know what to do. He has always been an angry bully tbh. He has no friends and is so negative about everyone and us always in the midst of some kind of conflict with someone ie at work, Uni but absolutely believes that he is put upon and victimised by the world and that he can do no wrong.

How do you get someone like that to improve their behaviour? Feels like my choice is to let him keep ruining Xmas or tell him not to come next year which will ruin Xmas in a different way and tbh probably end our relationship which I don’t want, I’m his mum.

Feeling so depressed.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 27/12/2023 18:49

I dgaf if he's autistic or on the spectrum or just a damn nasty aggressive bully. I wouldn't have him round and staying if he was disruptive to the whole household and holiday. You deserve to have happy times. If he can't behave, or recognise unacceptable behaviour then he can go celebrate with his gf if she thinks he's perfect.

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2023 18:51

I don’t think he’d be welcome next year given he scares you and your other dc. It’s just not fair. Who is paying for his uni? How does he support himself?

WhatNoRaisins · 27/12/2023 18:51

It might be better to approach this along the lines of "you didn't seem to enjoy yourself so would you rather just meet up for Christmas dinner?"

crumblingschools · 27/12/2023 18:52

If he has always been like this, why wasn’t something done about it when he was younger?

PartyPartyYeah · 27/12/2023 18:52

@slore OP if it sounded like autism and i said yes! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hereforthebunfights · 27/12/2023 18:53

Did you not teach him to respect others boundaries when he was growing up?

itswonkylampshade · 27/12/2023 18:53

My autistic teen daughter is very similar so I personally wouldn’t discount it as a possibility. Aggressive, angry, no awareness that a group may not want to watch something / listen to something she wants to and blows up with frustration at us regularly. Swears, is selfish and hostile to siblings and also has an absolute complex that she’s hard done to in life when she has literally wanted for nothing. Loves blaming others and it’s exhausting. She also pictures scenarios in her head and then gets angry if reality doesn’t match, which could be similar to your experience with the Christmas game.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 27/12/2023 18:54

WhatNoRaisins · 27/12/2023 18:51

It might be better to approach this along the lines of "you didn't seem to enjoy yourself so would you rather just meet up for Christmas dinner?"

This sounds a useful route to avoiding conflict and getting a better Christmas for everyone next time.

It acknowledges (his belief) that things did not go well for him and seems focused on what he would most prefer (making him feel like the top priority).

Deathraystare · 27/12/2023 18:54

@Saltandvinegarsausage
He told you to get out in your own house?

If his girlfriend thinks he is so lovely why isn't he with her for Christmas then? I think we know the answer....

Don't invite him next year and he can whine about how lovely he is blah blah blah but you know the truth and can invite and uninvite whoever you wish!

itswonkylampshade · 27/12/2023 18:54

To all the posters suggesting it’s a parenting issue that could have been fixed when younger - aren’t you lucky not to have a child like this!

gamerchick · 27/12/2023 18:54

PartyPartyYeah · 27/12/2023 18:14

My first instinct was PDA but mentioning autism on here is frowned upon 🙈

Mine as well don't worry. In fact I'm surprised he's moved out. PDAer males IME usually stay on the maternal teat well into adulthood.

mommatoone · 27/12/2023 18:55

OP - whatever is going on here, it sounds like you need to set some strict boundaries. He wouldn't set foot over my doorstep again until this is sorted. Why subject your whole family to this behaviour?

DriftingDora · 27/12/2023 18:56

Sooner or later he'll lose it with someone who won't put up with his crappy behaviour - and that's when he'll really find out some home truths. He needs to grow up and his girlfriend needs to run a mile.

Original poster
Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 18:57

He speaks to DH in the same way, DH tries to be patient but ends up losing it. Though it has never got physical as DH knows to walk away.

I used to feel horrified at the thought of not having him in my life but as time goes on and the older he gets the less awful I find the prospect. He’s always threatening to cut me and DH off. He’s done it before for up to a couple of months, blocking us on the slightest provocation ie not responding to a text in the right way or not agreeing that X at work is a terrible person for pulling him up on his lateness. I’ve always said to DH that I have no doubt he will do it for good one day and every time he ruins a family occasion the less I find I care. I know that’s awful.

OP posts:
MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 18:58

My son was far, far from being as bad but there had been times as a young adult when he has been less than considerate. Having a conversation about being an adult helped:

He went on about what I should respect and how I should respect him, his space and his decisions as he was an adult. I let him speak.

Then said “I’m an adult too, could you please let me know what am I getting from this relationship with you? What nice stuff are you bringing to the table?” and let him think…

Since then he never forgets to take turns on paying for stuff (from groceries to drinks), and do always consider the needs of other people when he is around.

Might be worth a try? I would say as well that you need to set some boundaries around the house. Obviously, you are delighted to having back at home in Christmas but jet him know that you would prefer if he visits only for a few hours next time if he finds it so difficult to put up with his siblings and parents.

mibbelucieachwell · 27/12/2023 18:59

That sounds so difficult OP.

Family counselling? Make it non-negotiable for him to go. Ask a counsellor if they would be agreeable to 'randomly' beginning with how his behaviour affects the rest of the family? Ie the family counselling is a way of getting him to have counselling.

BananaHammock23 · 27/12/2023 19:00

I'm sorry OP, I wish I had some advice. I could've written this word for word about my SIL who ruins every Christmas in similar ways. It's awful.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/12/2023 19:00

A week with is a long time. I’d definitely manage situation in advance. Why didn’t he spend Christmas with his gf? Could you visit him instead or just invite him for lunch.

Gymnopedie · 27/12/2023 19:02

the less I find I care. I know that’s awful.

It's not awful, it's good that you can contemplate a life without him in it. It might seem like an appalling choice to have to make but if his siblings are afraid of him you have to put them first.

As is often said on MN, having a MH condition is not a get out of jail free card for being a dick. And if someone does have a MH condition, it doesn't mean that everything is because of it. Those people can just be dicks as well.

He has a gf who thinks he's wonderful. You wouldn't be casting him out with no-one.

lovinglaughingliving · 27/12/2023 19:04

I don't think he's necessarily autistic... I'm interested to know how his childhood/adolescence was...
how did he cope at school? Why no friends?
Were there consequences for his actions at home and at school?
Obviously, something is amiss here... but even at 21 you should know the difference between right and wrong and how to be respectful to your parents.
If I ever spoke to my parents like that, all hell would break lose.

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 19:04

mibbelucieachwell · 27/12/2023 18:59

That sounds so difficult OP.

Family counselling? Make it non-negotiable for him to go. Ask a counsellor if they would be agreeable to 'randomly' beginning with how his behaviour affects the rest of the family? Ie the family counselling is a way of getting him to have counselling.

You cannot force anyone into getting counselling, it doesn’t work and it counterproductive. No counsellour would accept anyone who doesn’t want to be there.

MBL · 27/12/2023 19:05

Do you contribute to his uni costs or is he working full time?

Bohemond23 · 27/12/2023 19:05

He sounds like my brother. Absolutely insufferable but completely enabled by my parents who were scared of him and also scared that he would cut them off and have no one. He is now nearly 50, no kids, wife left him. I have nothing to do with him. Very clearly a personality disorder rather than ND.

herewegoroundtheblueberrybush · 27/12/2023 19:05

With respect @slore you are replying to an autistic person and a clinical expert in the field who both say this has a flavour of autism. Would love to know how you're so sure. As I said, most autistic people are not twats but this sounds to me like a possible underlying factor that has been missed his whole life and has ended up like this

Zombiemum1946 · 27/12/2023 19:06

From reading your subsequent posts it sounds like limited time would be the way forward. He clearly isn't going to change in the foreseeable future so damage limitation seems the only option left.

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