Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Another Christmas ruined by adult child

195 replies

Saltandvinegarsausage · 27/12/2023 17:57

Come to stay for a week. Always been a difficult, aggressive argumentative person but completely invested in the narrative that he is a good, kind, positive person and we are all horrible and critical and if he does behave in an unpleasant way in front of us it’s because me DH and his younger brother and sister are so annoying. He’s 21 and younger ones are 15 and 13 and although they adore him and look forward to seeing him they are also scared of him and so am I tbh.

Usual behaviours, which we have had this week, are -

Demanding everyone play a game then showing no patience and shouting and eventually storming off when he took offence at younger sister. Similar behaviour watching film. Commandeers living room and will only allow what he wants on TV and storms off if suggested we might not want to watch some weird space drama from 1990. Everyone left feeling upset and deeply unfestive!

Absolutely impossible to reason with him. Says we all make him behave in a certain way ie angry and impatient as we are all so annoying. Has refused to leave room all day and spoken to girlfriend who said he is the loveliest kindest person and does not recognise the person we say he is.

I just don’t know what to do. He has always been an angry bully tbh. He has no friends and is so negative about everyone and us always in the midst of some kind of conflict with someone ie at work, Uni but absolutely believes that he is put upon and victimised by the world and that he can do no wrong.

How do you get someone like that to improve their behaviour? Feels like my choice is to let him keep ruining Xmas or tell him not to come next year which will ruin Xmas in a different way and tbh probably end our relationship which I don’t want, I’m his mum.

Feeling so depressed.

OP posts:
cardibach · 27/12/2023 20:17

itswonkylampshade · 27/12/2023 18:54

To all the posters suggesting it’s a parenting issue that could have been fixed when younger - aren’t you lucky not to have a child like this!

Thing is, for some people it is luck, yes. Some children can’t be ‘socialised’. Since this one seems to have been able to seem lovely to his girlfriend I’m not sure that’s the case here.
Which is not to suggest it’s the OP’s fault, because lots of things outside her control could have affected socialisation.

Fleetheart · 27/12/2023 20:18

@HedgehogB - narcissistic personality disorder - ah yes not a label in sight

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 20:18

Atethehalloweenchocs · 27/12/2023 20:02

For those people who think it is autism, what practical strategies do you suggest? And is it not possible he is autistic and also an arse?

Definitely possible to be both autistic and an arse, hence why boundaries are so important.

Interestingly, it is very common for kids with autism to function much better in environments where there are clear rules and routines, and where they are consistently enforced.

Obviously a Christmas visit may be a disruption to the routine but it shouldn’t be carnage for the family if rules are in place, clear and the family can enforce them.

Friedfriedplantain · 27/12/2023 20:19

Firefly is not from 1990.

Gymnopedie · 27/12/2023 20:19

ProfessorPeppy · 27/12/2023 19:48

For goodness sake, why does everyone on here jump straight to Autism all the time.

Because we have ND children, teach ND children, or are ND ourselves, and recognise the behaviour.

But just because the behaviour is the same doesn't mean the cause is the same. He may be autistic. He may be a nasty selfish arsehole. He may be both.

The problem is that those who jump to autism won't acknowledge any other explanation. He HAS to be autistic. End of.

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 20:20

HedgehogB · 27/12/2023 20:13

This. Nothing suggests autism here . He has narcissistic personality disorder .

Show quote history

I was thinking the same…

Cornishclio · 27/12/2023 20:20

I don't know whether or not he is autistic but the behaviour is unacceptable so he needs firm boundaries and to know the consequences if he cannot be polite and kind. So maybe set some ground rules. No shouting or verbal abuse. If he cannot be kind he goes home.

If he is autistic and PDA they need to feel in control so tbh it does sound like he is ND. There are still ways their behaviour can be managed though by having few demands made on him. I would say just one request should be he is polite and kind. Do you have just the one TV? Could he have watched his show in another room? Just because it is Christmas not everyone has to do the same family activity all the time. I would have stopped the game the minute he started kicking off. What sort of game was it? If it was one that raised his anxiety that can cause meltdowns. Some adjustments to the way you communicate with him could improve your relationship if he is ND. If he has a personality disorder then obviously that is another matter. I hope your break improves.

Naptrappedmummy · 27/12/2023 20:20

cardibach · 27/12/2023 20:17

Thing is, for some people it is luck, yes. Some children can’t be ‘socialised’. Since this one seems to have been able to seem lovely to his girlfriend I’m not sure that’s the case here.
Which is not to suggest it’s the OP’s fault, because lots of things outside her control could have affected socialisation.

Show quote history

Because a man is ‘lovely’ to a woman he wants to sleep with, he must be a decent and misunderstood fella? Seriously?

cardibach · 27/12/2023 20:23

Naptrappedmummy · 27/12/2023 20:20

Because a man is ‘lovely’ to a woman he wants to sleep with, he must be a decent and misunderstood fella? Seriously?

Show quote history

Not even remotely what I said, so I’m not going to engage further.

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 20:23

Naptrappedmummy · 27/12/2023 20:20

Because a man is ‘lovely’ to a woman he wants to sleep with, he must be a decent and misunderstood fella? Seriously?

Show quote history

Any domestic abuse case worker can tell you the same… abusers are charming, that’s how they get away with it.

That is also why women fall for abusive men and, when they need help to escape them, almost no one believes them.

RudolphComingIntoLandOver · 27/12/2023 20:24

What was his childhood like?

mathanxiety · 27/12/2023 20:24

You could not so gently point out to him that the common element in all his conflicts and problems getting along with others is him?

I fear you are not going to be able to get through to him though - everything you have described screams personality disorder.

He's putting on an act for the girlfriend. She'll eventually get treated badly too. I hope she hasn't invested too much time or energy in him, planned her future around him, turned down opportunities because they couldn't include him, etc.

HedgehogB · 27/12/2023 20:28

Fleetheart · 27/12/2023 20:18

@HedgehogB - narcissistic personality disorder - ah yes not a label in sight

You are right, but we aren’t psychologists are we, no one IMO should be coming here of all places for an answer ….. (and we shouldnt give opinions but without them MN would die) …. this post ‘suggests’ npd , but not autism . I do agree though it’s not for us to label anyone. OP could just have a horrible son but then that’s not helpful either……

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 27/12/2023 20:28

Any chance you could covertly record his outbursts and play them back to him? He sounds like a brat, my sympathies. No one should be allowed to dictate the atmosphere in a household.

Nepmarthiturn · 27/12/2023 20:29

carolsandchristmas · 27/12/2023 18:17

Sounds like my sister. No advice. But after 35 years. I'm out. I feel ya OP.
Narcissism, autism and adhd come to mind

Yeah, because autism, ADHD and narcissism are sooooooo similar. 😒

What the hell is wrong with people? This constant jumping in to threads to blame shitty behaviour that most autistic people would never dream of on autism. Not enough eye rolls in the world for such ignorance. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

Wokkadema · 27/12/2023 20:29

At this point, any diagnosis/support/treatment is entirely up to OP's DS to seek.
It's not something OP can control or even expect to know.
If it helps, OP, I have autistic kids and mental health concerns myself. And while I get that sometimes family need to be their safe, accepting, soft place to land - we're also the place where they have to learn how the world works, and that includes how to manage themselves so they can get along with other people. Of course some aspects of that are harder with autism in the mix. That doesn't mean we lower our expectations, it means we offer more support.
For an adult that would mean maybe acknowledging the victim thing with 'yes I understand it can be hard to deal with people, let me know if you want help finding a counsellor who could talk through some strategies' AND 'It's not acceptable to talk to your sister that way. I suggest you take a break until you can be kind and respectful. If you keep up, I will have to ask you to leave'

drspouse · 27/12/2023 20:29

My DS does some similar things and he has ADHD and an extremely strong sense of injustice but he is 11 and we are working on it. On Christmas Eve he threw various things after we'd said someone other than him needed a turn to choose what was on TV. He didn't get to watch TV. He was very sorry and went to bed calmly. He is pretty aware of his problems though they are quite big and will say he let his anger get the better of him.

TheOccupier · 27/12/2023 20:30

YANBU. Given the DC ages it would be entirely reasonable for you to book a holiday next christmas and not include him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2023 20:30

Haven't RTFT. But my brother (ASD) is like this and now I spend Christmas with my DH and DD solo, and my mum and dad get him. They wouldn't stop asking him and I can't do it any more. Him screaming in my face in my house a couple of years ago was it, done.

So be very careful about your other DC, they may well need to see boundaries.

Naptrappedmummy · 27/12/2023 20:30

He has been like this his whole life and tbh tonight the feeling that I am stuck with this abusive angry person in my life till I die is overwhelmingly bleak

You are NOT stuck with him OP! You have fulfilled your obligations to him, you raised him to adulthood (presumably) in a satisfactory manner, and now any relationship you have is dependent on mutual respect. Nobody expects dads to give up their entire lives appeasing abusive relatives, only mums. Fuck that I say. Make it clear you’ll welcome him back when he’s changed his ways. Then free yourself of this toxic guilt.

mathanxiety · 27/12/2023 20:30

slore · 27/12/2023 18:43

No. For God's sake, not everything is autism.

There is nothing in the slightest in OP's account of her son that even hints at autism.

It sounds like genuine narcissistic personality disorder (not internet "narcissism"). They cannot take criticism, and think they are great, while criticising everyone else. They think they are always right and cannot ever see other people's point of view. They typically have a victim mentality and always see themselves as a wronged party. Nothing is ever, ever their fault. ETA, like all personality disorders, their way of thinking is rigid and difficult to change.

It's probably more palatable to get an autism diagnosis, but all that would achieve is a super-special label that gives him an excuse for his bullying and unreasonable behaviour.

Edited
Show quote history

Agree 100%

SunRainStorm · 27/12/2023 20:32

Wondering how he treats that girlfriend. What's her deal, I wonder.

cardibach · 27/12/2023 20:33

MeMySonAnd1 · 27/12/2023 20:23

Any domestic abuse case worker can tell you the same… abusers are charming, that’s how they get away with it.

That is also why women fall for abusive men and, when they need help to escape them, almost no one believes them.

Show quote history

Again, not what I said.
I was responding to the idea he had to be autistic and that’s why others were lucky in their children. I absolutely think he’s a narcissist. But boundaries can be put in place there because they understand social rules (even if they think they should be the centre of everything - they absolutely can be charming).

1983Louise · 27/12/2023 20:33

I'd move and not tell him, problem solved 🙈

Grimbelina · 27/12/2023 20:37

Possibly neurodivergent, possibly ASD with PDA (as a PP says)? Unfortunately if they won't engage with a diagnosis and learn some self-regulation skills (which might mean not being around you and the family, especially at stressful times like Christmas) there isn't much you can do apart from enforce your own boundaries and talk to them about seeking assessment. There is no way your younger children should be exposed to this.

We have had similar with a family member. When they finally got diagnosed (in their 40's) they slowly began to dismantle all the ideas they had had (which they had needed to cope) about everything being the fault of others. It took a few years and was very painful for everyone but now things are much better.

Presumably they have had issues for years? Did you ever pursue diagnosis when he was a child?

Swipe left for the next trending thread