coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

I hear you!
DC leaving home and being with partners (one of which does everything in her power to cut contact with us) is a type of loss. I'm depressed and lonely and feel the future is nothing that I imagined it would be (large family around for meals and celebrations like Christmas and Easter spent together.

Time to rebuild. Find yourself. Rediscover. Focus on yourself.

I could have written this post ☹️
My eldest son is still at home (24) but has a girlfriend and spends most of his time at her house when he’s not working/doing sport. Youngest son still at home (20) either at work or out with friends. Husband either working, talking about stuff I’m not interested in, cycling or sleeping.
just feel so bloody lonely.

I hear you. My eldest is moving to the other side of the world, my middle one is still at home but working and considering moving too, and the youngest will be off soon in a couple of years once he’s finished school. DH is absent in the house too. I work full time and have friends and a hobby I enjoy, but I’m definitely getting what empty nest syndrome means - still have a few years left before we retire but I feel quite adrift and lonely at the moment and quite apprehensive for the future as I suspect the DC will be far flung.

Welcome to the club 😂
I had no idea if I actually like the food I always cooked. As in, I’d make an omelette because it is quick, nutritious etc, but faced with making one just for myself brought the question: do I actually even like omelette?

Been accommodating others for 50 years, I tended to just go with whatever the others in my life wanted/liked.

I also had a jolt seeing myself in a reflection of a window. My body shape and colour has changed so much. Who the hell is that woman?!!

I always fantasised about having time to myself to do whatever. I have it now, and had no idea what I actually want to do.

My biggest problem was my job, so I focused on that for a bit, got a promotion and changed my finances significantly.

I went on Instagram! to see what people my age wear. I had my colours done.
I joined a running club, I am doing parkrun regularly.
I joined the gym.
I took photography classes, calligraphy classes, sea kayaking holidays. Basically, I am trying everything and see what sticks.

I remained quite strict about family time though, I have a meal once a week with DD, although she doesn’t live with me.
And my girlfriends and I still meet twice a month: once for brunch and once for a game of cards and wine.

HTH

Checking in too OP.

I think it has been one of the most brutal times in my parenting. And it happened quite suddenly, so I didn't even have time to prepare my brain (not sure how you do that though). One minute my youngest was here, and two weeks later she got an offer and didn't look back. I was so excited for her, I want her to be successful in the world, but I was also truly heartbroken too. My whole world just changed instantly. I did not know what to do with myself half the time, the house was tidy, I didn't need to cook a meal if I didn't want to, no running around going to appointments, school runs, sport events etc etc. It just all stopped.

I say brutal because I could not show her how I was feeling, I was elated for her but was keeping this black hole feeling hidden.

I am a single mum and we really are extremely close, so I know everyone says you can't be best friends with your child, but we are. It is just how our relationship is.

I know it sounds ridiculous but I think I cried non stop for about 2 months. Someone would just ask me how she was, and I would burst into tears. In fact it happened at the dr (I have known him a very long time and he knows dd) and after this happened there too, he suggested 'something to give me a hand'.... hrt. Anyway, I have to say that it did help, but then again I don't know if it was the hrt or the fact that I realised that I needed to dig myself out of this hole I was sliding into. So I started doing some new things, started going back to gym, met up more with my friends whenever we can, and I started a little sideline thing to keep me busy and also just help with the bills.

Me going through this, just highlighted how little people know about this stage of life. So many people kept saying, ah you need to get pregnant again (😏) or thinking that it just meant being broody. It is not that at all!

I won't lie, I found it a tough time. But I am through the worst now, there are still the odd time that I have a moment. I really feel like I have cried more in the last year than I have my entire life.

I think its important to start looking for things that you enjoy. Things that are going to keep you busy during the times that would normally be the busiest time of the day. Maybe try to reignite things with your dh, plan to go on dates etc etc.

This was a bit of a waffle, but what I wanted to say, it is okay to be feeling like this.

Highlighta DH doesn't want to do anything together, his idea of a date is to snore in front of the TV. I work from home all day he is out for 12+ hours and then comes home and snores. Great empty nest life this is shaping up to be

BuddhaAtSea I hear you, I'm starting to carve out a life for myself DC although in their 20s are still at home

It is a really hard time if life. We are retired now and retirement hasn’t turned out at all the way I expected it to. Two DC living at the other end of the country and barely see them because of the expense and time off needed to visit us. If we visit them it’s exhausting and expensive and I feel increasingly that we don’t know them anymore. They’re very wrapped up with themselves and I can’t relate to them in the same way. They’re quite selfish and quite dismissive of us and our lives. We have another living in the same city but because of mental health issues etc we rarely see him and I worry about him all the time. He only recently moved out and instead of feeling elated and relieved, I feel totally lost and purposeless. OH and I spend all our time together bar his hobbies which don’t interest me. He really really irritates and drains me and I feel stifled . I love him but we live far too much in each others pockets now. I’ve lost myself. I don’t do anything on my own anymore and don’t have any real friends any longer. I’ve drifted away from the one friend I have locally, and I don’t enjoy her company.
I need to start again and rebuild myself and my life, but quite honestly just don’t have any drive or enthusiasm for anything any longer. I feel so sad that I feel like I’ve lost my children and family life. It’s the only thing that really matters to me. I just don’t want to start new hobbies but I know I must. Also need to find a way that OH and I can live more separate lives. We just don’t have the same interests at all and I feel I have no one to talk to. It’s incredibly lonely.

@BuddhaAtSea Inspiring post. Thank you.

🤗

Get a dog, I did. My first ever one in my fifties, changed my life and improved my mental well being no end.
I'm five plus years on from the youngest DC having left home and it's looking like they might lose their job and have to return home.. I'm dreading it 😭

I have really thought about this actually. Did you get a puppy? The threads on here about puppies are scary! I’d love to know more.

@Writingonthewalls they aren't scary they are just amazing and all encompassing, don't take mumsnet dog owning as normal!!

Back to the thread, I'll be joining you all in 2 years, mine will be off and I can't wait, but now I'm thinking how awful it sounds.

Nobody on here mentions travel? My plans involve traveling, living in new countries while we are both fit and able too. I traveled and lived overseas in my 20s so feel I can go back and explore the world.

Why doesn't travel feature as a hobby, even inter rail around Europe, get up get out!!

@Writingonthewalls
Yes I got a puppy, from a family friend whose dogs had an accidental mating, so no puppy farm.
Blooming hard work for the first few weeks, especially as we got dear dog in the winter. If I could choose I'd definitely get a pup in the summer months.
Ddog is the love of my life, DH and DC do get a look in 😂.
I'd go for a smaller breed non shedding dog as they are much cleaner indoors (no fluff or fur)

@reallyunderstandsometimes
It's great to see a fellow dog lover, it is hard work with a pup but only for a short time.
You mustn't dread the empty nest, it really is great once you get over the initial grief of the DC leaving.
I love that it's just me, ddog and DH now.

What type do you have?

Pets, worry about leaving the house empty, finances, health.

If you are going to get a dog please please consider a rescue instead of a puppy. There are so many wonderful dogs stuck in kennels and foster homes. I foster dogs which I prefer at the moment to owning my own as we can take breaks for holidays plus there is no real expenses as the charity pays for the vets etc. I don't struggle when they leave as they go to such lovely homes. We have them for anytime between 2 to 8 weeks but mostly 4 to 6.

I feel your pain OP. My eldest is about to leave home and youngest is starting work and it feels like so much is changing. My DH wants to laze around all the time and I want to get out and live my life! Especially as I had kids young so feel like I didn't have any real adult time to do stuff before them. My plan is to do the things I want to on my own. Luckily I like my own company so rarely get lonely.

I have. I don’t have five foot fences so that rules me out. Plus most of the dogs have lots of issues and aren’t good with cats. I haven’t owned a dog since I was a child so taking on a dog with lots of issues who isn’t cat tested is risky.

There are many reasons why just go travel isn't an easy option for some people.

@Writingonthewalls I have a shih Tzu cross bichon. ☺️

I had a massive menopause mood swing yesterday, crying etc. Hoping it might have given DH a wake up call to how I'm feeling but it hasn't 😫i feel incredibly lonely. I need to learn how to like my own company and be on my own as DH just snores or buries his head in the sand

We have a dog but he is elderly, so have the fear of losing him and being even more of an empty nester 😢

@longpathtohappiness menopause really doesn’t help this process either. Sending hugs

toomuchlaundry thanks for the hug, I prised one out of DH

Where do you live if you don’t mind me asking?