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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

850 replies

longpathtohappiness · 07/08/2023 10:43

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

OP posts:
itsmeafterall · 17/09/2023 20:52

Hey everyone. Just checking back in.

DS is back at uni and li just kind of fell into a totally exhausted state , so much so that I called in sick last week and did bugger all. I'm sure it was emotional fall-out.

I've always been a 'get up and go' kind of a person , but as we used to say back in the 80s 'my get up and go seems to have got up and went'!

Life used to have such a predictable rhythm but now seems quite topsy-turvy, which is unsettling. Feels like time is running out, but I'm spinning my wheels ineffectively. Just need to kick myself up the arse I think 🤔 .

@JeanSheila how are you doing today?

itsmeafterall · 17/09/2023 20:53

@longpathtohappiness how are you?

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 17/09/2023 20:57

itsmeafterall increased my HRT dose so hoping that will help

OP posts:
itsmeafterall · 17/09/2023 21:05

Ah, the magic of HRT ! Keeping everything crossed for you that it gives a boost.

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 18/09/2023 12:24

itsmeafterall really hope so, my poor DH ! Ready to burst into tears today, no reason, just because...

OP posts:
Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 23/09/2023 07:19

Bump - sorry I sound like a broken record...... DS is looking into joining the army, my heart is literally breaking. DH is no support, he just keeps snoring.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 23/09/2023 16:46

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling down OP and I’m sure the news that your son is looking into joining the army is just the last thing you need at the moment. I’m also not going to offer any ‘be glad they’re flying’ type platitudes because they are shit and actually it’s ok to feel really sad about your family moving on. Just wanted to send you my sympathies - in the last month our eldest son has moved to the other side of the world, our daughter has started looking at buying a flat and our youngest is looking into joining the RAF, and it all feels a bit much. I know exactly where you’re coming from. It’s a strange feeling - they’re around for so long and then all of a sudden they’re gone.

I know it’s as it should be as there’s a big wide world for our DC to experience, and I know we will all adapt to our new normal - but it will take a while.

ssd · 23/09/2023 16:52

You are exactly right @SirChenjins , they are always around then suddenly they are gone, that's just what its like. And its a totally different experience being the parent who is left rather than the young adult all excited to be moving on. And it only feels like yesterday i was the youngster rather than the stoic parent....

Writingonthewalls · 23/09/2023 18:03

It's the feeling of being part of a unit which needs you, and then just being on your own, or with a partner in the house. It feels like a bereavement. I think particularly for those who had a difficult upbringing without much love or warmth in the house, it can be triggering too. It feels like being abandoned again.

SirChenjins · 23/09/2023 18:12

Absolutely agree @ssd - I remember the feeling of striking out on my own and feeling so excited. It was only when my own DC came along and I watched my friends who still lived close to their parents that it hit me.

@Writingonthewalls - that’s very much the case for me. I grew up in a very quiet, insular household, the result of a father who hated noise and people. I vowed I would have an open house where my DC and their friends could relax and I’ve had that. Now it’s just going to be DH and I - and while I love him dearly he’s a bit absent at times. I think we’ll going to have to work at re-establishing ourselves a bit.

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 24/09/2023 11:10

ssd yep only seems a blink of an eye that I was their shoes flying the nest. I know my DM struggled with that and now I'm approaching that point I understand how she was feeling

Writingonthewalls interesting observation, i had a difficult upbringing and hadn't considered this could be a trigger.

OP posts:
whatisforteamum · 24/09/2023 11:23

Just gone over the year since our son moved out.Its been really tough and lonely as my new colleagues don't like me so a double blow really.
Yesterday he visited for the first time since Feb it was lovely to catch up and he has promised not to leave it so long again.

crew2022 · 25/09/2023 07:57

Writingonthewalls · 23/09/2023 18:03

It's the feeling of being part of a unit which needs you, and then just being on your own, or with a partner in the house. It feels like a bereavement. I think particularly for those who had a difficult upbringing without much love or warmth in the house, it can be triggering too. It feels like being abandoned again.

This rings true for me

FrenchandSaunders · 25/09/2023 12:41

What an interesting thread. This really isn't talked about enough.

I have one DD who has graduated and stayed in her uni town. I doubt she'll come home permanently again. Another DD is here but with work, boyfriend, friends she's not here much, and she's talking about renting with her boyfriend next year.

DH runs his own business and works quite long hours. I WFH and it is rather isolating. I've joined a gym and try to get out for a walk most days. Life is very different from when they were young. I thought I would relish this peace and quiet when I was struggling with twin toddlers and commuting into London.

Writingonthewalls · 25/09/2023 21:38

So many of us struggling and lonely, isolated from our community and family. It's really sad. I don't think WFH and the fallout from lockdowns has helped either.

ssd · 25/09/2023 22:43

I think its just hard to fit in sometimes and you always think everyone else is doing better than yourself.
I wonder if anyone else is struggling with having friends who complain all the time that their adult children are still at home and why wont they ever move out???...yet you know that growing up they (the mums) put the kids off ever going anywhere and squashed any thoughts of independence their kids had...now the kids are still at home and the mums are sort of smug that they know yours are away and theirs are at home?? I dont know if im explaining that properly, all i know is some mums i know dont want their kids to go and will do everything to keep them at home, whilst complaining they dont understand it...

Writingonthewalls · 26/09/2023 08:19

I have had one adult child living at home until very recently. He has a lot of problems and it was a struggle for him to finally find somewhere he could afford etc. I thought it would revolutionise my life, having longed for the day for a very long while. In fact I feel pretty desolate, which surprises me. Our relationship had deteriorated during all the years he lived with us and now he barely visits which makes me very sad as he's the only one living in our local area. Sometimes it's important to be careful what you wish for. The trick is to try and enable them to be independent and secure as soon as possible I think, whilst making them feel loved. My mother stopped doing anything for us when we were in our teens and was very selfish, so I think I possibly did too much for my kids.

ssd · 26/09/2023 10:45

I feel i do too much too. But it comes from my background too. I know I'm subconsciously mothering the teenage me.

ilovebrie8 · 26/09/2023 12:55

Writingonthewalls · 25/09/2023 21:38

So many of us struggling and lonely, isolated from our community and family. It's really sad. I don't think WFH and the fallout from lockdowns has helped either.

I agree with this …it’s not easy 😕

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 26/09/2023 15:12

DS has got an interview to join the army. Obviously still a little way off to him actually leaving but my heart is aching.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 26/09/2023 17:51

Having a moment, just hit me out of the blue. Think it is because I have just finished a Teams meeting and DS would normally be coming in the door from college at about the same time. Fact that he would normally go into the kitchen and grab a bowl of cereal and then go hide in his room, so wouldn’t actually see him seems to be beyond the point to my emotional state. It’s really hit me hard 😢

Writingonthewalls · 26/09/2023 18:01

ssd · 26/09/2023 10:45

I feel i do too much too. But it comes from my background too. I know I'm subconsciously mothering the teenage me.

I really get that.

ThrillingChilling · 26/09/2023 19:24

This is certainly something I can very much relate too..unfortunately.

I know I need to work out what I can do to help me. I just hope I can as bringing up the kids were all I ever knew.

ssd · 26/09/2023 20:00

I feel its all i know too. And its all i want to know. But its going to be taken away by them leaving whether i want it or not. And i need to be smiley and positive and happy about it. Grim.

BeatriceBatchelor · 26/09/2023 21:11

But surely you expected them to leave home at some point. Wanted it even. I miss DD but I'd hate her to be 35 and living at home because she was scared to leave or didn't have the option to.