coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

[longpathtohappiness]

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

You’ve got to find the right time to tell DH about church or him seeing doc?

FrenchandSaunders

Going to church. I'm so lonely but he is anti Church

Are your DC concerned about your DH @longpathtohappiness They must know that sleeping constantly isn’t normal. Would he listen to them if they told him he needs to see a doctor. How does he cope at work?

toomuchlaundry no and no. He is different at work, he buries himself in it

He sounds deeply depressed OP. If he won’t go to the doctor or do anything about it, you need to take charge of your own life and start doing things for yourself. Make a life for yourself and leave him sleeping on the sofa. Both of you sound very down.

I can completely understand where you're coming from @longpathtohappiness . I'm finding the empty nest really hard, but dh is good and wants to do stuff with me. I have no other family so without him I'd be lost. I hope you can get somewhere with him.

@longpathtohappiness, relationships evolve as time goes by and it's great that you are pursuing individual interests.

OP - I want to hear more about the gym as I've never set foot in one in my life but want to join next month!

He shouldn't stop you from pursuing your interests though. Would he get arsey?

FrenchandSaunders yes!

Interests aside, I find that if he does or doesn't do something (eg even if something simple like unloading the dishwasher) it is okay, but if I do or don't something then not OK

That’s doesn’t sound good OP.

How are you now @longpathtohappiness ?

Hello all, I was in this thread at the beginning under a different user name.

Catching up on this thread is both helpful (so many people struggling with the same thing means I'm not bonkers) , helpful (so many good suggestions) and inspiring (bloody wonderful women helping each other.)

My situation is that my eldest has just moved out. She and her BF are so happy and it's wonderful to see. She's had a hard road to here and it looks like things are coming together. It's been hard letting her go, but we were both ready. My heart busts with love for her ❤️

My youngest has now finished uni and is still at home, job hunting and about to go travelling for a couple of months. He had a horrendous last 12 months with some really, really hard stuff to endure. But he's come out the other end and is a wonderfully emotionally intelligent young man. A real asset to the world. I worry about how much time he spends alone but

I've just had to retire finally from work as I just can't hack the fast-paced demands of my career. It's life changing and I have t quite come to terms with it. So much change in so short a time.

My plan is to rest up, refurb a couple of rooms in the scruffy house and then celebrate my big birthday. The maybe look at starting a little business doing something I love (and if anyone calls it a side hustle I will slap them).

I'm trying frame all of this as a new start rather than the end of all things (which is how it feels sometimes). The idea of being in my last 3rd of life is utterly terrifying, but somehow liberating.

A couple of things to suggest to people who are reinventing:

University of 3rd age (u3a) Varies by location but some intersections things and people
ladies who travel on FB - a really smashing group of women countrywide (lots in wales) who meet up locally or offer well priced (for their type but not in everyone's price bracket) trips in UK and overseas. Lots of people our age, many who are lovely and lonely and dipping their toes in the finding new friends sea.

Reading at primary schools - lots of schools need adults to help kids 121 with reading. There are schemes across the country. Ditto for school gardens. A lovely way to stay connected to young people.

This thread is wonderful by the way and kudos to @longpathtohappiness for starting it. By the way I do hope that you are OK. Given what you have endured you deserve all the best things. I can sense in your writing that you have hidden reserves and given time, you will access them and fly! You've certainly been a help and inspiration to this woman, and for that I thank you 🤩😘

i have read your thread and am not sure if Meet ups would be of interest to you
or rambling
plenty of clubs i find on facebook,
dog walking clubs
wish you all the best op @longpathtohappiness

The maybe look at starting a little business doing something I love (and if anyone calls it a side hustle I will slap them)
😂

What a lovely post @itsmeafterall

Well done to you and your children.

Can you try and get involved in some groups or activities?

Just checking in and seeing how everyone is. This stage is hard

Good, thanks @longpathtohappiness How are you getting on?

Morning @BeatriceBatchelor @longpathtohappiness ! Thanks for checking in.

The last few weeks have been busy with builders in and we now have a fabulous new bedroom with new comfy bed ( helping the sleep a lot ). We've taken the opportunity to reorganise most of the house and it's been cathartic, giving my son a new 'grown up ' room to build the first stages of his adult life.

I've started with a personal trainer and it's fab - really pushing me and I'm so much stronger (can lift bug bags of compost for the garden with ease 😂).

My DD has settled in but her MH issues are bubbling again. It's really hard to strike the right balance between supportive mum and interfering MIL but think I'm doing ok. I've noticed that my kids are deffo communicating about me which is sweet (I think!). I've had a cancer scare (found out yesterday it's all ok ) so I guess they've been managing me between them. It's hugely comforting to know that they have a good solid and loving relationship that will be there for life (long after I'm gone ).

I'm now sorting finances too - it was a big worry - but luckily they seem ok and DH is still working so we will be OK. Am deffo spending less now I'm not working .

I have to say that the gift of time in retirement is wonderful. I potter. I nap. I bake.

The weirdest thing though is being able to put myself first. I've never really done that. It's always been kids, DH, rest of the family, friends, me - in that order. Now I've consciously switched that. It kind of feels good but is weird. Letting the kids 'go' and take charge of their own lives is hard at first but quite liberating. I visited DD last week and the flat was a mess. But it was her mess. And hers to clean up. I just stepped over it, made no comment and enjoyed the visit 😬. Old me would have been tidying up, sorting out storage solutions and moaning about the mess. New me doesn't really care. Nice. !

Biggest thing now is getting DS actively looking for work. Am leaving him to it for now, but will start to push him soon as he's definitely procrastinating.

So I guess in summary, things are going as well as they can, but it's different, quieter (and tidier). The trick seems to be to go with the flow and let things happen. A new gentler way of living but with a purpose that's more centred on me and what I want. Unexpected but rather nice.

Thanks for the update @itsmeafterall ♡

I'm glad the cancer scare wasn't bad news and how lovely that it's given you reassurance that your DC have a strong bond.

Great news that retirement is going well. I'm really interested in your personal trainer. How did you find them and what are they working on with you? Were you really unfit before you started with them? I want one but am worried they'll spend most of the session waiting for me to get my breath back!

Hi @BeatriceBatchelor i found the PT through personal recommendation. It’s been so good that I’m now training to be a PT myself so that I can help other women to get started in a helpful non-threatening way that understands how we feel about our bodies (usually unconfident), what we are going through (dodgy pelvic floor, aches muscles, lack of sleep , general meno shite), understands the lifelong aversion to exercise (for some) after dreadful PE lessons at school, or just plain needing motivation and help to get started.

A good PT should ask you what you want / want to achieve. For me it was to be lean, fit and strong now and for the rest of my life. Lifting weight to increase muscle mass and bone density are key post 45. Balance is also critical so we don’t fall over when older nd break hips etc.

so I’ve been working on lifting weights (starting very low and easy but now working on much heavier and feel in the benefits quite quickly) . Separately I do some yoga and walking /occasional cycling for cardio.

please don’t worry. They are there for you and will work at your pace (with a little push when you need it) and are used to all sorts of injuries, levels of fitness etc. half the battle is having a PT you can chat to and be honest with. When I started I spent the first 10 minutes listing out all of my injuries and previous surgeries (apparently I nearly win the prize for the most of any of his clients <proud> 😂) .

most offer an intro session so you can bow out gracefully and find someone else if you don’t like them.

I’d ask around friends and at your local gym(even if you aren’t a member).

its such an empowering thing g to do, and as I said in my earlier post it is weird to do something so self-centred after years of putting the family first but its so worth it.

please feel free to DM me if that would help ☺️

@BeatriceBatchelor forgot to add that I’m 60 years old so it’s never too late !

Just seen this (I'm away for a long weekend!). What a fab thing you're doing @itsmeafterall

Will definitely be DMing you when I'm home ♡

What a lovely message and so full of positivity!

A long while ago, I mentioned on this thread perhaps or another, that I refuse to accept that saying "You are only as happy as your happiest child".
I am glad to say I have succeeded, somewhat. My DC have often been unhappy in the past year, but while I have supported them as best I can, I refuse to let them dictate my mood.

I am a person in my own right. I have spent the last year doing lots of solo travel, some travel with DH too, going to plays and music, looking at beautiful art when I have spent too much money. Not going to hang around moping after my kids. I put myself first daily, even if it's just going for a walk on my own by the river.

I have had them boomeranging in and out, so not quite an empty nest, though.