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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

coping with empty nest syndrome, menopause with absent husband

850 replies

longpathtohappiness · 07/08/2023 10:43

I feel totally on my own a lot of the time. DH is here but either at work, talking about work or sleeping!

I struggle to cope with it all sometimes and feel totally on my own

OP posts:
ssd · 26/09/2023 22:20

Of course i expect them to leave home, stupid question really. I'd be gutted if they didn't. But i will be gutted when they do.

SirChenjins · 27/09/2023 08:16

I know I'm subconsciously mothering the teenage me

I've never thought of it that way, but it's absolutely true - that includes my own children, their friends, boyfriends/girlfriends and children we've hosted for a charity. That's been a bit of a lightbulb moment.

ssd · 27/09/2023 11:16

I realised it when i realised my kids don't need me mothering them as much now, they want to be independent and make up their own minds which i fully support...so it left me wondering, who am i actually mothering here? And why is it so important to me and i can't stop? I know a lot of it as the fact my mum was an elderly mum and i haven't actually physically been mothered for at least 20 odd years and i yearn for someone to mother me.

Writingonthewalls · 27/09/2023 11:40

ssd · 27/09/2023 11:16

I realised it when i realised my kids don't need me mothering them as much now, they want to be independent and make up their own minds which i fully support...so it left me wondering, who am i actually mothering here? And why is it so important to me and i can't stop? I know a lot of it as the fact my mum was an elderly mum and i haven't actually physically been mothered for at least 20 odd years and i yearn for someone to mother me.

Me too. I can’t say I’ve ever been mothered , and my mother was pretty young when she had me.

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 27/09/2023 11:44

Sigh, this stage is a lot harder than I realised. My DH is a good loyal hardworking man, so feel bad for having these feelings, so I'm hoping it's a normal phase of life. Most women I know of my age feel the same, so guess its a normal phase of life...

OP posts:
vjg13 · 27/09/2023 18:55

ssd · 26/09/2023 10:45

I feel i do too much too. But it comes from my background too. I know I'm subconsciously mothering the teenage me.

This really resonates with me. My adoptive mother was a narcissist with a very much hands off approach to being a parent. I was very self reliant from secondary school onwards and wanted my kids to never feel that terrifying lack of support.

ssd · 27/09/2023 20:42

My mum was lovely and very easy going, but her and my dad were older and lived and were in WW2, and they just let me get on with it a lot, i guess their experiences made them grow up early. But sometimes i felt they were too hands off and its left me with a need to control everything as i always know everything is down to me alone. But they were just a totally different generation, more like my pals grandparents ages. And I'd older siblings so by the time i came along they were probably just thought id be ok. But now ive raised my kids i just feel there was sooo much id have liked help or advice and support with and it wasn't really there. But not in a bad way, they were just a couple of generations behind me.

ssd · 27/09/2023 20:47

I think cos i lost my parents long before any of my pals too ,I'm super aware that when your parents are gone thats it they don't ever come back, so I'm trying too much to mother my boys whilst I'm still here because i know once I'm gone the difference they'll feel. Although as dh says they aren't me so they probably, hopefully, won't feel the same as me. And hopefully they'll have lovely wives by then too.

whatisforteamum · 01/10/2023 15:53

Increasingly lonely here.Dh is in such a dreadful mood it brings me down.
I miss working weekends tbh.

BettyPhuckzer · 01/10/2023 16:04

Single Mum, only daughter went to uni in 2018. I thought my world had collapsed in on me. It was dreadful and I wouldn't talk to her about my feelings because she was so happy which was exactly what I wanted!

Long story short my daughter and I re-built our relationship as a long distance but very communicative one and equally as loving as before..... and i learned (huge surprise to me) that I love living alone

It took time to do all this and discover my love of alone ness but its been like being reborn

I really recommend it

I think it helped not having a bloke/partner/husband who had to be factored in

BeatriceBatchelor · 01/10/2023 19:53

Of course i expect them to leave home, stupid question really

It's not a stupid question @ssd , don't be rude. I lost both my parents at a young age. DD has moved out and I'm figuring out how to live this next stage of my life. So is DH. What positive changes are you going to make?

SirChenjins · 01/10/2023 20:01

Tbh, it did come across as a bit of a stupid (and rather patronising) question @BeatriceBatchelor - as has your ‘and what positive changes are you going to make’. Both unnecessary. At no point did @ssd say that she didn’t expect them to leave, so I’m not quite sure why you felt the need to say what you did.

BeatriceBatchelor · 01/10/2023 20:21

OK I'll leave you to your collective misery. Making positive changes is challenging but beneficial. However, some of you don't appear to want to make the effort so I'll wish you well.

SirChenjins · 01/10/2023 20:25

Excellent - off you go.

ssd · 02/10/2023 09:10

Blimey, that went a bit weird.

Where were we?.....

Highlighta · 02/10/2023 09:16

👀

That was a bit odd.

How I wish for a support thread to just remain just that these days.

ssd · 03/10/2023 22:45

How is everyone doing?

I'd hate for one poster to shut the thread down...

Weatherwax13 · 03/10/2023 23:19

Hey everyone. V much in the same boat as many of you. Last AC left in August. Marriage hanging by a thread. No job as I have a pretty depressing health condition which is never going to go away. Friendships have all drifted.
I'm having a real pity party here!
I had some big plans to change things up. I really was trying hard to get ready for a brilliant new start next year. Then wham! H does something that massively triggered earlier trauma and I've had a breakdown.
I didn't expect to turn 50 under the care of the crisis mental health team with my future up the swanee.
I miss all my AC so much and although they're mostly v good at keeping in touch I'd give my eye teeth for the youngest to still be home. Although at the same time I WOULDN'T want that as it would mean his life wasn't progressing independently and happily and I'd hate that.
Blimey I'm a misery guts atm.

Writingonthewalls · 04/10/2023 01:49

Weatherwax13 · 03/10/2023 23:19

Hey everyone. V much in the same boat as many of you. Last AC left in August. Marriage hanging by a thread. No job as I have a pretty depressing health condition which is never going to go away. Friendships have all drifted.
I'm having a real pity party here!
I had some big plans to change things up. I really was trying hard to get ready for a brilliant new start next year. Then wham! H does something that massively triggered earlier trauma and I've had a breakdown.
I didn't expect to turn 50 under the care of the crisis mental health team with my future up the swanee.
I miss all my AC so much and although they're mostly v good at keeping in touch I'd give my eye teeth for the youngest to still be home. Although at the same time I WOULDN'T want that as it would mean his life wasn't progressing independently and happily and I'd hate that.
Blimey I'm a misery guts atm.

So sorry to hear things are so rough for you. My heart goes out to you.
Wouldn’t it be great if we knew which area we are all from and could try and meet up?
I spent today clearing out the loft and came across old school reports, photos etc. It made me feel so so sad. Especially after a duty call from one AC who clearly couldn’t be bothered to make much effort and was desperate to end the conversation. I feel like I don’t even know them anymore. Friendships have drifted for me too and I just feel so alone .

Weatherwax13 · 04/10/2023 01:56

Awwww thanks @Writingonthewalls I truly get where you're coming from too.
I'm not in the UK any more, which is not helping tbh. My plan was actually to move to France next year.
Maybe a support thread would be good for all of us even if we can only "meet" online.

Writingonthewalls · 04/10/2023 02:00

Oooh! I would love to move to France. OH isn’t having it though..
A support thread is a great idea.

Highlighta · 04/10/2023 06:15

ssd · 03/10/2023 22:45

How is everyone doing?

I'd hate for one poster to shut the thread down...

Thanks Ssd, agree to not that derail anything.

I think a support group is a great idea.

I have definitely hit a flat and spoke to a friend yesterday about it. I am not sure how to pick myself up really, as I just don't want to do anything I used to like. I know I need to exercise as it's good for the mind, but I just need to get out of this head space and do it. Hence why Ive come back to this thread as I can see I'm not alone.

I need a project to do. I am seemingly OK if I have a goal that I am working towards, planning a birthday or anything like that. And I have nothing on the cards at the moment to focus on. And the time of the year doesn't help. I'm dreading Christmas as my DC won't be with me.

So there is my pity party for today. I'll read it back later and see it written down and perhaps it will jog me on to getting out there. Right now even taking a shower seems a big deal.

Highlighta · 04/10/2023 09:51

Ah thought I would do a quick update. My post this morning is quite unlike me, have not been right this past week or so.

When I actually got up, I took one look at myself in the mirror and knew something wasn't right. My face is all swollen and look like (and feel like) crap. Been to the gp and I have a raging upper airway infection....

So, we have to remind ourselves sometimes that we need to listen to our bodies. I know every day seems to have some surprise with us ladies of a certain age, but I completely ignored how utterly shit I felt, and just assumed it was in my head.

In one way I feel quite relieved. Not only because I really didn't want to go exercise today 😀, but that it explains this awful dip.

I hope everyone else is having a better start to their Wednesday.

My dog also left a huge shit on the kitchen floor this morning, very unlike him so that was another wtf moment. Bless him, he is so embarrassed he can barely look at me. So I will need to keep an eye on him too, as he never poos inside.

Original poster
longpathtohappiness · 06/10/2023 17:05

Would love a support thread. DH has been away for a few days and for the first time in our marriage I didn't miss him. Is that awful? He has rolled in from work tonight and had a go at me for nothing. Had a light bulb moment this week and decided that I'm only going to look after myself and DC now as he doesn't care about me

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 06/10/2023 18:27

…creeps back in

Sincere apologies for my earlier ‘excellent’ post, my tolerance levels are somewhat low these days.

I’d be up for a support thread - it’s a really odd thing this empty nest time, isn’t it?

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