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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

428 replies

notatherapist · 16/06/2023 10:31

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

OP posts:
TheRozzer · 16/06/2023 10:32

Christ, I hear you, although mine are a lot older! 😂

Does it never end?

PlantFood · 16/06/2023 10:33

Yup. 🤷🏻‍♀️

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/06/2023 10:33

Why wouldn't you say anything to them? It's unreasonable of them to expect immediate responses from you, or to expect you to just accept them being critical of you, so why not call them out on it?

ForestLilac · 16/06/2023 10:35

Can you give specific examples? I don’t think my kids have done that, but I might groan in recognition at your specific scenarios.

suburbophobe · 16/06/2023 10:39

Me too!

And being a solo parent I can't even share the load....

CharlotteRumpling · 16/06/2023 10:39

I feel the same. There seems to be no end these days.

Original poster
notatherapist · 16/06/2023 10:43

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I would call out any petty complaining but it's usually bigger stuff like uni/relationships/careers/death of a friend which I think would be so harsh not to be there for them but it's just relentless!
My mum would be there for me for this kind of thing, I just didn't need it quite so much by this point.
Surely their friends and partners should be replacing some of the elements that I provide.

OP posts:
Original poster
notatherapist · 16/06/2023 10:45

@suburbophobe I do have a DH but he's not so good on the emotional support, more of a practical chap so I'm the one they always go to.

OP posts:
FirstTimeNameChanger · 16/06/2023 10:46

Yup

Original poster
notatherapist · 16/06/2023 10:51

@ForestLilac DD23 doesn't like the career she has chosen, hence the travelling to reset. Complains about job daily but dismisses advice. I think she wants me to give her permission to finish earlier but I'm not going to do that. I have to have a listening ear ready at the end of the day (every day)
DD21 has struggled with work in last year of uni, there have been tears and wanting to quit. Trips home when she just needs to 'recharge' so can't ask her to do anything.
It's just usual stuff but I'm running out of empathy- I think it's used up.
All I want to do is be alone and potter!

OP posts:
Anoisagusaris · 16/06/2023 10:54

Young adults’ resilience seems to be in the toilet these days…..needing to ‘reset’ and ‘ ‘recharge’ while others run around after you would have been given short shrift when I was that age.

DramaAlpaca · 16/06/2023 10:57

Yep, I hear you. And mine are older than yours. I was married and totally independent at their ages.

CharlotteRumpling · 16/06/2023 11:04

no idea what the solution is. I keep resolving to distance myself. Works with one, not the other.

Mythril · 16/06/2023 11:04

I don't have adult kids so no advice but I just wanted to say this sounds so bizarre to me! I can't imagine wanting to be this enmeshed with your mum in your early 20s. I don't think there is anything wrong with giving them a little push away.

Soakitup37 · 16/06/2023 11:05

Anoisagusaris · 16/06/2023 10:54

Young adults’ resilience seems to be in the toilet these days…..needing to ‘reset’ and ‘ ‘recharge’ while others run around after you would have been given short shrift when I was that age.

Damn these young uns not being willing and able to run themselves into the ground these days (!!!)

CharlotteRumpling · 16/06/2023 11:06

Mythril · 16/06/2023 11:04

I don't have adult kids so no advice but I just wanted to say this sounds so bizarre to me! I can't imagine wanting to be this enmeshed with your mum in your early 20s. I don't think there is anything wrong with giving them a little push away.

Wait till you get here perhaps? It's not black and white.

readbooksdrinktea · 16/06/2023 11:07

Mythril · 16/06/2023 11:04

I don't have adult kids so no advice but I just wanted to say this sounds so bizarre to me! I can't imagine wanting to be this enmeshed with your mum in your early 20s. I don't think there is anything wrong with giving them a little push away.

This! I'm kin

Cathotels · 16/06/2023 11:07

I feel the same mine are younger 20 and 18 but I actively avoided my parents having anything to do with my life at that age.

I’m still so involved in DC lives and it’s exhausting, I moved out at 18 and never went home so have nothing to compare it to. I also want to be there for them more than my DP were there for me but my god I’m tired

readbooksdrinktea · 16/06/2023 11:08

*kind of shocked.

DontYouThreatenMeWithADeadFish · 16/06/2023 11:10

I thought part of going to uni and those subsequent first jobs was also learn some basic life admin skills, managing money, independent living, doing your own laundry and cooking, dealing with relationship dilemmas and generally not involving your parents in every decision.

For DD still at uni it would be stupid to quit in her final year.

For working DD, she is young enough to change careers, either shit or get off the pot insofar as doing something about it.

Original poster
notatherapist · 16/06/2023 11:11

I do feel like this generation do have less resilience (lots of my friends kids have issues) but we brought them up so it's our responsibility?
Employers did and do take advantage of the workforce so gen z are right to not just be totally compliant BUT yes life isn't always lovely and we do need to but effort in. As you can see it's a battle constantly in my head.
I'm not suddenly just going to whip myself out from under them- it's not my style but I did want to know I'm not alone.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 16/06/2023 11:14

Could you say something about how you might not be qualified to be the right person to listen to their issues? I did this with a friend who thought that as I work supporting employees struggling with their mental health that I could be her unpaid, and unqualified therapist. I told her that I was willing to support her to the extent of a friend but she was asking me to act in a way that I had no qualifications for and that was too much to expect. Perhaps back it up with some sources so charities or other organisations that could help. I’m thinking about you mentioned the death of a friend, there’s several charities that support young people who have been bereaved.

LaurieFairyCake · 16/06/2023 11:15

I just constantly say "Interesting. I have every confidence you'll make the right decision for you"

(I don't care what decisions they make, they have to make their own mistakes)

CharlotteRumpling · 16/06/2023 11:17

My DD lost a friend at 15 too. Takes them a while to get past that.

readbooksdrinktea · 16/06/2023 11:21

LaurieFairyCake · 16/06/2023 11:15

I just constantly say "Interesting. I have every confidence you'll make the right decision for you"

(I don't care what decisions they make, they have to make their own mistakes)

This is what my parents did, it does mean you grow confidence in your own skills in time. I do think being home longer means young adults don't get as resilient. Mum and dad are just there to ask and to ferry around, etc. It's easier. Doesn't mean they have it easier overall, of course. There is a reason they can't move out. But you don't have to do everything and me this enmeshed just because they're in the same house.