I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

I wonder if not giving them freedom to roam a bit locally age around 9-10 as would be natural for someone this age stunts them a bit.
They were also intensely parented and had more needs met than my generation. Their feelings are listened to and adults have bended to them like never before.

Perhaps read @VioletCharlotte s excellent post before you make sweeping statements like this.

Personally I'm delighted that my dds feel they can talk to me about anything, even though it's exhausting sometimes. Their mental health seems pretty good overall and I'm sure it helps knowing they have a stable, unjudgemental,listening ear at home.

God I know, how awful. Imagine listening to a child's feelings! They should all stay in the cellar eating coal like we did! They don't know they're born, spoilt bustards.

Frogger8395 · Today 19:32

have to have a listening ear ready at the end of the day (every day)

Stop doing this immediately because you’re not being fair to her. Nobody else in her life is going to listen to daily whinging.

Perhaps read @VioletCharlotte s excellent post before you make sweeping statements like this.

Personally I'm delighted that my dds feel they can talk to me about anything, even though it's exhausting sometimes. Their mental health seems pretty good overall and I'm sure it helps knowing they have a stable, unjudgemental,listening ear at home.

Violet posted after me. So I couldn’t read it. Because her post didn’t exist at that time.

I maintain the opinion that allowing an adult to offload like this every single day is negative and unhealthy. Future partners wont listen to it. Friends wont listen to it. It’s not kind to set her up with unrealistic expectations that she will receive ongoing support about disliking her job because she won’t. It’s her responsibility to do something about it.

Somebody not liking their job is not a crisis and doesn’t require daily discussion and offloading. It’s not ok to do that. It’s nice your kids can talk to you about anything. Not so nice that you are exhausted by it sometimes.

@Twiglets1 I wouldn't bank on the fact they get a partner to lighten the load.
My daughter still comes to me all the time. Sometimes it just a rant sometimes she needs support.
She does have confidence and anxiety issues and it's been just me and her since she was 3 but she's getting there slowly 🐌

I find myself saying 'what does DP think?' But she still wants my opinion as she knows I'm always right 😂

HeadNorth · Today 13:16
Were your daughters forced to spend 16 months at home, with only their parents, studying by themselves in an attic office throughout sixth form because of a CEV parent? I think that would leave a mark on most people. Nothing to do with helicoptering in our case.

All our young people were affected by Covid….”

Not to the same extent, they weren’t. Your daughters, for example, had each other.
Our son saw no-one but his mother and father until a vaccine was developed and administered to his CEV dad. 16 months of seeing not another soul. Trying to study when many of his peers were still attending college and there were no online lessons yet. Celebrating his 18th birthday with just his mother and father.
We didn’t ask him to do this: it broke my husband’s heart. Our son watched the news and statements from the PM/CMO etc. and drew his own conclusions.
Can you imagine at 17 feeling that if you met anyone outside of the home, you may kill one of your parents?

We have never been helicopter parents, this situation was forced upon us. Our youngest child is still dealing with the consequences, as are many thousands who were in his awful situation.

The sweeping statement that young people are not resilient anymore is insulting.

I want to add that he is an astonishing young man and we couldn’t love him /be more proud of him.

What a bizarre attitude. Other people won't listen so you shouldn't?

What a bizarre attitude. Other people won't listen so you shouldn't?

It’s called boundaries. Teaching them to be a functioning adult. Because if you’re exhausted by it, how do you think they’re friends will feel.

Yep

I hear you, I am absolutely knackered from
all the issues they bring home - todays was my 17yo DD was accused by her best friend of faking her migraine/sickness - so she didn’t have to go to school! Apparently my DD being off made her friend look bad as she couldn’t be bothered to go to school - its all nonsense!!! - I just have no words really!!

Its painful and exhausting and some days I could happily walk away! I hope you find some peace soon xx

You don't have to drive her to the airport

Well, my boundaries extend to not worrying about how they make their friends feel - and recognising that their relationship with me is different to the one they have with their friends.

My kids are only little so can’t comment on parental experience, but as someone who was literally pushed out the house at 18 and had no support whatsoever, I just wanted to say how lucky your children are and I hope they appreciate you ♥️ I’m conflicted because I really hope my children need/want me when they’re adults as I would hate them to feel how I felt as a young adult, but it’s a fine line between support and them totally relying on you and being codependent. I don’t have the answer, just wanted to put my perspective in.

Everyone here loves and supports their kids. But there does come a point when they are supposed to be 'adulting' in their everyday lives and needing emotional support from parents for the one off and 'big' events, which all adults might need some support with.

It's not lack of love or willingness that motivates these posts, it's exhaustion at having to do the thinking for people in their 20s, the weight of responsibility for fixing all their problems (even small ones) and fear that they aren't coping well with ordinary life.

I think mobile phones and constant internet access has proven to be massively addictive and damaging - there's no mental space or retreat anymore. I can see its effects on dh and me, so god knows what it's done to all the kids who know nothing else!

That's a lovely post Tabitha.

I think it taps into the thing I'm conflicted about, and which may be part of OhFGS's dilemma with her daughter and the taxi situation. We are good friends with our adult children, in a way we may not have been with our parents, thanks to the different times we were brought up in. My parents were born in the late 30s/early 40s and were teenagers in the mid to late 1950s when the culture and values were vastly removed from our teenage world in the 80s. (My dad was very keen for me to learn the piano so I would always be popular at student parties!!) My own teenage experience of clubs and festivals and mad nights out is very recognisable to my children (the major difference being the prevalence of drugs these days, and the danger of spiking.)

I think the narrower cultural gap meant we were naturally closer through the teenage years. My kids were able to be more open with us because we weren't as easily shocked, and fearing judgement was a major factor in me wanting to be independent when I was a young adult. So in many ways the enmeshment is the negative result of a positive situation.

It would be good if we could avoid blame/shame responses and focus on solutions. I totally see where you're coming from with your DD OhFGS, and would do exactly the same. Maybe you can do it this time, but use it as an opportunity to say that when she's planning her next trip, she needs to check with you in advance if she's banking on you being part of the arrangements. This will give you the chance to opt out and her the chance to look into alternatives. I think it's a process of untying the apron strings now rather than abruptly severing them if we want to maintain a close relationship with our adult kids whilst regaining our own space.

It only ends when you withdraw. I say this after the same conversation with a friend who's still doing the full parenting to 30 somethings.

At some point they need a push out of the nest. I'm at this stage and it's hard.

I wouldn't mind so much if they contributed to the household like the adults they are. But I think childhood expectations still play a huge role.

Totally. She can book and pay for a taxi.

Sorry I should rtft 🤦‍♀️

I’m 34 and I moved out at 18. 100 percent mortgage on a flat from an incredibly modest receptionists wage. I’m not even old.

But I did ring my mum constantly. What’s this, how do you cook that? How do you know when chicken is cooked etc etc etc. I also went round every weekend and sometimes had a “sleepover” so she could cook me dinner like the good old days 😂. But, I think this is just the result of house prices I don’t think they are any less resilient. This is the problem we now face as parents. My eldest is 13 and I have no idea how he would move out at 18.

@Whichwhatnow

I am 34 and I can assure you if my husband is being a twat (which is quite rare because he generally isn’t a twat), but on the odd occasion I absolutely wouldn’t burden my mother with that. And we are close. I have friends for that sort of thing so no mothers don’t sign up for 40 years worth of shit, goodness gracious.

Well, my boundaries extend to not worrying about how they make their friends feel - and recognising that their relationship with me is different to the one they have with their friends.

You should worry how they make their friends feel. Nobody apart from you will give so much support they become exhausted.

Just a different perspective, as someone who is in the same/similar generation to your children (I'm nearly 29, am married and have a child now) and who probably did a lot of the same things you are describing not so long ago really.

First off, while I've only been the child in this scenario I can sympathetise (although not relate) and agree that some of these behaviours are a bit much and unreasonable for two adults. At 21 I was actually pretty horrible to my mother and on the one hand felt resentful of her interference in my life but on the other I expected her to drive me around, accommodate me during the summer between university terms, pay for expensive things when I needed them, fix problems I didn't know how to solve. I'm not proud of it now, of course, and have apologised for my more appalling behaviours.

I do wonder now what gave me that sense of entitlement. My mental health at 21 was terrible, mostly due to hugely traumatic events in my late teens, and I genuinely did need support, but I don't know that that explains it all. I think a fair amount of it came from being raised in an enormously privileged situation in which I never really had to be responsible for myself. I don't mean that I wasn't held accountable for my actions as a teenager or that I never had to work hard - I actually worked like a Trojan at school. It was just that whatever I couldn't do myself, my mum had always tried to help me with or make happen for me. I think that involvement from a parent is normal, but perhaps the trend now is that "pulling away" of the parents is happening later and later. It then comes as more of a shock to the adult children, who do genuinely want to take responsibility for their lives, but who haven't yet acquired the necessary maturity to do so.

Lots of people point to "coddling" or "lack of resilience" being at fault for this sort of behaviour, but I'm not sure it's as simple as that. Yes, many of us had far more help and involvement from our parents than previous generations, but fundamentally we are living in a different world which has different requirements and expectations for young people. I don't think it's fair just to blame parents for this or to brand an entire generation "snowflakes" just because they are struggling.

In any case, I think your children will grow out of this eventually. You don't have to rip the rug out from them, but perhaps as others have suggested you can gradually take a more hands-off listening approach. And yes, when demands get unreasonable it is okay to say so. It's a buzzword but I think "boundaries" are important to establish together. Having clear expectations of each other can really help establish what is and isn't okay now that they are adults.

Have you ever thought you are enabling her behaviour, that she is behaving like a child because you treat her like one? Maybe the best thing you can do for her MH is let her grow up

And yet they seem willing and able to run their parents into the ground (!!!). There are people still alive who started working at 15 or even 14, and yet many of the current generation are still being babied in their 20s. What is wrong with learning how to cope with life's ups and downs at a relatively young age?