I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

I wonder if this is due to mobile phones. I think our generation learnt to sort ourselves out because we couldn’t just phone home for emotional support every time something went wrong of we weren’t quite sure how to handle something - I couldn’t afford the pay phone! Now adult children are carrying a hotline to mum and dad around in their pocket, so it’s not surprising really that they keep dialling in. But without having to stand on their own two feet they don’t learn to be confident in their own resilience or decision making.

I'm in total agreement OP. We have neuro diverse 20 year olds, can't wait for them to gain some maturity, if ever?!

I look back on baby and toddler years with great fondness, because teen years were hell and the present is fast going down the toilet for one of them.

@johnnydeppsslipper you have my heartfelt sympathies, I'm not sure we'll ever get to stop "actively" parenting

I love these phrases that are suggested, but if only they could work with my kids... I'm in therapy to try and deal with my own responses to my ND family. The kids are legally adult with all the freedoms that entails, but emotionally/ intellectually? Not so much, and often unable to deal with the consequences of their choices.

@johnnydeppsslipper that must be so hard, proves my point that it's very hard to stop being a parent at any age of our children.
@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I like that line as well. My natural inclination is to try and solve problems and that's not what they are always after. Perhaps me solving problems has made things worse but I do it for everyone, not just them.

I was told in therapy that I should not try to be a fixer. Nobody fixed my problems.

Trips home when she just needs to 'recharge' so can't ask her to do anything.

What might you ask her to do?

Regardless of the reasons for them coming home, I would still expect them to tidy after themselves and help with cooking/cleaning up.

Yep, this is me. I’m more enmeshed in their lives in their 30s than I was when they were teens.

I think I’ve become a sounding board for all their issues. They ‘dump and run’. They don’t want solutions (or at least from me) but they know I care. Both are married but sometimes it’s about their partners!

Of course, they then walk away whilst I’m having sleepless nights.

But, but, but … I love the fact we’re still close, they know I’m there for them and in the end, they’re my kids.

I’m trying to be more resilient - not get so emotionally involved. Put it in a box. And yes, I left home at 18, married at 21 and never went to my parents with problems. But I have a completely different relationship with my children which I much prefer.

@BetterCallMe your user name and the content of message made me chuckle!
My DH is convinced internet has changed this generation but I'd never actually thought about the phone issue. I got ill on my first independent holiday and ended up in hospital for the day at 18 and didn't even tell my parents until I got home. DD got ill on holiday a few years back and the barrage of messages and calls was a lot - not that we could even do anything as it was so far away.

Well obviously he had been in some shops in his life(!) but it wasn't a routine for us, probably a combination of:

• not living near a major town / shopping centre
• always getting online grocery deliveries
• having two parents working from home who were always available to take in deliveries
• not having much money to shop with whilst a teenager
• not being a family who 'go shopping' as leisure activity
• no interest in shopping for clothes - happy to order online e.g. ASOS
• having specialist interests/ hobbies not catered for on the high street

I know it sounds totally bizarre, but he was asking if we could order him a replacement shaver via our Amazon Prime and I said 'well, it would quicker for you to pop down to Argos/Boots/John Lewis in [university town]' and he really had no idea they would sell them!

He is ND and bit quirky, but it did make me laugh!

I so hear you . The last few days I have seriously been thinking of blocking my DS25. My heart literally sinks when I see his name on my phone lately as I know it will be some problem he wants me to fix.

He has been on a real run of bad luck most involving car trouble so not really his fault But he has singled me out as solver of all his problems so most of these issues have landed on my plate. It’s honestly exhausting
He is off on holiday today I am nervous about what disasters this could bring (flight already delayed I have been told!)

My natural inclination is to try and solve problems and that's not what they are always after.

Maybe this could be causing some of the frustration. I'm an adult and don't rely on my parents for anything or ever ask their advice (we have a close relationship though). However my parents have a habit of trying to "solve" anything I mention, even if I'm not complaining about it and/or it isn't a problem. For example, mentioning it was a busy week at work, will have them coming up with solutions from working harder to getting a new job to getting the union involved! Then getting annoyed that I don't run out of the room to immediately act on their unasked for (and often contradictory) advice. When I was simply making conversation!

I have a really clear memory from being about 17 or 18 of my mum refusing to pick me up from the station after a night out. I was really cross at her putting her need for a sit down and glass of wine over my 'safety'. Now I totally get it!

My DS isn't yet a teen, but colleagues seem to be much more involved in 'helping' their adult children then my parents ever were.

I think the fact that it is prohibitively expensive to rent and buy doesn't help. Maybe it is mobile phones and it is just easy to text mum. Maybe our parents were better at saying no.

I feel your pain. 23 has screaming fits, anything can set them off, and their younger siblings keep asking me to tell them to move out.
They don’t like their job, previously alienated friends, but it’s not their fault of course.
Its exhausting.
Too much time on social media and looking in the damn mirror.
Although I think I’m blocked on their social media, it’s like they never progressed beyond 14.

I never had this sort of relationship with my parents, I was pretty much independent from about 18 or 19. Happy to see them but never really asked for help or advice.

My own DC are fairly good but we do find ourselves giving a lot more support, even if just a listening ear.

I agree with others, resilience seems to be in short supply sometimes. Genuine need is one thing but there seems to be an epidemic of "anxiety" and "stress" when it is a natural human condition to not always have things going well.

I make sympathetic noises, but don't tell them what to do

I do ask them how they think they are going to deal with the situation, but don't give my advice (as it'd be wrong)

that way they think Ive been there for them - I listened, asked questions

but I didn't actually get involved

When people are thoughtless, give them something to think about.

You could try reflecting back your own feelings, in the same terms they choose and use about themselves.

"I can't keep up with my phone texts because I am emotionally exhausted and need to recharge. I need a break . I am tired of feeling menopausal. Maybe I need to get away for a while, what do you think? I need to reset. ".

Family isn't a one-way helpline.

You may prefer it, but it might not be the best thing for your adult children to be so enmeshed with mummy. How do their partners feel about it?

@NeverTrustAPoliceman
Genuine need is one thing but there seems to be an epidemic of "anxiety" and "stress" when it is a natural human condition to not always have things going well.

Yes! This in spades!

Everyday life admin seems to floor them - phoning the landlord, tenancy agreements, mobile phone contracts, making medical appointments, dealing with the bank about a suspected fraud ... all things I've had to coach them in over the last few months.

That said, I think life admin or 'adulting' as people call it, HAS become more difficult and cumbersome, with so many places hiding behind inefficient chat bots and call centres and agents working from home unable to access your file... yada, yada...

This thread has been so helpful. All my friend's kids appear to be doing fantastically..If I go by FB updates.

My New Year resolution was to focus on DH more. We have lost our way a bit in the pandemic. Feel like two workhorses tethered to a cart who can't look at each other because of blinkers.

Op I totally get it.

Mine are now late twenties/early thirties. And up u til a few years ago if absolutely anything went wrong in their life, they were straight on the phone to me. And I ended up carrying all this emotional baggage of theirs along with me. They expected me to listen to all their problems, yet never took any of my advice, often making their situation ten times worse. I was constantly running around after them. Helping with everything from childcare to bills.

It eventually made me unwell. And it was a friend who sat me down and told me this wasn't normal that really opened my eyes.

I stepped back. I stopped making myself so available to them. And if they rang id listen to problems but I didn't try and figure it out for them.

It wasn't easy. One dc got very angry at this and was pretty awful but is slowly coming to understand .

I see my SIL does this with MIL too. Poor MIL is snowed under with caring for FIL, has some worries to contend with and she isn't in the best of health. SIL constantly badgering her mom with her problems. I'm like ffs your a grown woman why the hell do you need to upset your mother like this. Confide in your partner or friends!.

No!!

This thread is really interesting, my DD’s are a lot younger - under 5 and I find this stage relentless and was looking forward to them being older so we can be ‘friends’ and I can get a bit of independence back - oh dear 😂. I agree with that generation finding everything hard. I watched a documentary on Netflix recently, it was by a man that wrote a book - the art of not giving a F? And he summarises it really well, life is just shit, always has been, always will be so you have to take the good bits and not fight against the hard stuff that will inevitably happen, and just kind of sit with the bad feelings and accept them. He was saying that a lot of younger people have been brought up to think they are the best thing ever, given whatever they want, if they just try hard enough they will never fail (I’m guilty of instilling this in my girls!) but it doesn’t breed resilience. Makes a lot of sense.
my other thought is, at least your DD’s have a relationship where they feel they can confide in you - I really want my DD’s tk feel they can talk to me rather than bottling things up so you’ve succeeded in that respect? My DH has a really distant relationship with his parents, never tells them anything - so I really want the opposite for my girls when they are older…

I am fortunate that my similar aged daughters are independent and resilient, but a lot of my friends seem to have young adults that still need a lot of parenting. Were you quite helicopter when they were little? My DH is a big believer in not over parenting (he is a teacher who works with troubled teens). I think if you have been a very 'full on' parent when they are younger, you cannot be surprised if they expect that to continue.

HeadNorth · Today 13:02
I am fortunate that my similar aged daughters are independent and resilient, but a lot of my friends seem to have young adults that still need a lot of parenting. Were you quite helicopter when they were little? My DH is a big believer in not over parenting (he is a teacher who works with troubled teens). I think if you have been a very 'full on' parent when they are younger, you cannot be surprised if they expect that to continue”

Were your daughters forced to spend 16 months at home, with only their parents, studying by themselves in an attic office throughout sixth form because of a CEV parent? I think that would leave a mark on most people. Nothing to do with helicoptering in our case.

Perhaps a little less generalisation?

I have a really clear memory from being about 17 or 18 of my mum refusing to pick me up from the station after a night out. I was really cross at her putting her need for a sit down and glass of wine over my 'safety'. Now I totally get it!

When my sister and I were in our teens, we were told quite firmly that if we wanted to do something or go somewhere, we made our own arrangements to get there and back. Dad was not there to be a taxi service.

His job involved quite a lot of driving, and he sometimes liked a glass of wine in the evening, so of course he didn't want to spend his free time ferrying us around when we were quite capable of finding our own way.

Were your daughters forced to spend 16 months at home, with only their parents, studying by themselves in an attic office throughout sixth form because of a CEV parent? I think that would leave a mark on most people. Nothing to do with helicoptering in our case.

All our young people were affected by Covid, it has undoutedly been terrible for this generation. I was making the broader point that a generation of helicopter parents cannot be surprised to have raised needy children. To the OP's credit, she herself acknoweldged that she had parented her children. I think some reflection on parenting styles is appropriate. I know I would have been more 'full on' if my DH hadn't been firmly of the view you are not responsible for providing round the clock entertainment for your children and they need to learn to be bored and solve their own problems. Covid obviously disrupted many young people's lives so we should cut them some slack, but that doesn't mean we should absolve ourselves as a generation.