I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

We should raise children to cope fine with independence. Many people live though wars, illness and bereavement. I was poor, had no heating and lost my family as a teen. My daughter lost her bf as a teen. It would have done me/her no favours if someone had put into my head how much of a victim I was, how I couldn’t cope and I’d never be happy again. I agree with the poster-we can’t be happy all the time and part of being human is dealing with life’s inevitable setbacks and for some-tragedies. Of course people are going to be sad and worried sometimes-but we are telling this generation they can’t do anything for themselves and trying to instantly fix it if they’re sad.

I do think that in our (societies) attempts to be more sympathetic to MH issues (without giving access to proper diagnosis and psychiatric treatment) we've inadvertently created a society where some feel entitled to have all their specific requirements for happiness met and if they aren't, they feel their mental health has been compromised.
Previous generations weren't told they have a right to be happy in all aspects of life 24/7. It was more sink or swim. Now that went badly for lots of people and it was right to try and correct it but we've inadvertently given kids the idea that they can have (and be) anything they want.
At the same time we live in a world where that's simply not true - they will go to work places where money is king and their feelings might be indulged for so long as it's profitable for companies to do so, but the minute it isn't, that 'caring' will soon stop.
And work is hard - few people are happy with every aspect of their job.
They have grown up being fed a diet of instagram, where everyone looks like a love island contestant and are dripping in designer clothes and our younger generation see that as normal life and are understandably upset when it doesn't materialise and they have to work in a call centre or something. And in trying to build their happiness we've all allowed it to happen. Tbf I think SM got ahead of us and we are only recently seeing the damage.
And we now have kids who are being indulged in school (furries/trans bollocks) and not being expected to adhere to long standing rules and behaviours. This will do them no good on adult life where they will be expected to meet targets and obey chain of command.

My mum had polio and couldn’t walk without a caliper (I forget the word they use now). I had a boyfriend for a while who also had a mum with a bad leg from polio, I think a bad limp needing a stick not a caliper. My mum ruled the house, walked us to school, swam, kept 6 kids fed clean and clothed and moved us internationally every few years. His mum was a victim. They all had to jump to pick things up, a spill on the floor was a big guilt trip for everyone, everyone be careful of mum! Growing up our mum was more like superman than someone to be careful of. The mentality, which can be substantially formed in upbringing, makes all the difference. We are bringing up professional ‘poor-mee’s.

How is texting you ensuring their safety? It is just a sop to your unreasonable inability to acknowledge their adulthood.

At what point did I ever say they they will never be happy again? Or indeed expect a perfect life?

I will support my children wholeheartedly through their traumas and will make no excuses for it! It’s not about being a ‘victim’ it is about love, care and support until they are feeling strong and recovered and ready to take on the world again, which has already happened.

As parents we should aim to be safe harbours for our growing children. We may not be the harbour of choice in some cases, but they know we are always there.

@Honeychickpea I'm nearing 50 and I'd still text my mum if o was travelling alone in another country. I think she knows I'm an adult. It does no harm to build in failsafes or to do a little thing to reassure a parent that all is fine. Now if she was expecting me to text her every time I get back from Sainsbury's, you might have a point!

Well that is fine, but if you are having a ball growing and learning abroad, do really you want to have to remember to get your phone out and text your mum every single day? Sometimes you want to live life in the moment.

It is clear the demand for daily texts is to appease a needy mother and of no benefit to their child. It is particularly galling when the same needy mums on this thread then have the cheek to say it is their child who lacks reslience!

Heh. I was at the theatre yesterday with a friend who was glued to her phone. Apparently her young DD has gone to Peru. And she was hoping for a text to say she had arrived but her DD was living life in the moment. I did try to suggest she ( mum) might be too needy but it didn't go down well...

Your friend should have been watching the play instead of her phone

Plays do have intervals, you know.

People live on their phones and it takes a couple of seconds to text mum to say all is well. I think it's pretty selfish to not bother, if you know it would make your mum feel better. It doesn't stop the daughter from 'living in the moment' - she has 24 hours a day, she can spare a minute to let her mum know all is well.
It's absolutely not comparable with the issues raised by mums on this thread whose kids expect all their thinking and life planning to be gone by mum and for their parents to fix all their problems!

I doubt there is a ‘demand’ for a txt and you know being adults they don’t have to jump to orders, they can do as they like.

Tech allows us much more frequent communication and it can be reassuring on both sides. There is nothing ‘needy’ about loving someone, a child especially, it’s sad you see it like that.

I had hands off parents that didn’t really care and it made me feel like I didn’t matter to anyone as a teen. No one anywhere ever said I feel too valued and too cared for in my life. The fact they are off travelling in the first place says enough about the quality of parenting and dc confidence. Close families will always be close.

It sounds a bit smug to say close families will always be close. It sort of disregards how individual we are as parents and kids. I'd say we are a very close family but i have 2 very different kids. One rarely texts me and just doesn't feel the need to update me on his life. I take his silence as he is happy and busy and living in the moment. Or just getting on with it, as we all do. My other dc keeps in contact much more and updates me regularly. They are both just different people. But their hearts are both in the right place and its my job as a mum to let them get on with it and not expect them to feel obligated in any way to do what I, as a 50 something want, rather than what a 20 something wants.

Sometimes the parents forget its not all about them.

Actually I do disagree it should be equal - not all about the parents but it is not all about dc either at this stage. At this point there should be a more equal standing and an understanding- whether that’s lots of contact or none.

I think too many women subjugate their needs to those of others and feel they aren't equally important. It doesn't help 20 year olds to think that what they want/feel is the only important consideration. There comes a point when kids should realise their parents are people too and entitled to have their feelings taken into account.

I do agree though that amount of contact between adult children and their parents has a lot to do with personality - some kids like a high level of communication and others get in touch more when they've something specific to say, rather than just to chat.

^This^

I agree-my dsd is like that-highly capable and intelligent woman but gets overwhelmed by the slightest thing and needs ‘rescuing’ and ‘time out’ to deal with any setback. I don’t do anything except murmur sympathy of course but if my daughter did that, I’d tell her she absolutely has the internal resources to deal with things and to chat about how she’ll resolve it. I think it’s the different upbringing-my dsd’s mother is the anxious and worrying type and it’s rubbed off on her. Whereas I think the greatest gift you give to your children is to learn how to deal with life.

Back again ! How do people cope with seeing them struggle , why do they always dump on me , I increasingly find myself just wanting to run away to a deserted cottage with my dog , the hens my sewing machine and knitting stash. I simply can’t seem to cope anymore with anyone other than myself Is it the menopause, have I just lost the urge to nurture. At my children’s age I was independent , I didn’t expect to be happy or even contented , I didn’t wander around with a face on because life wasn’t exactly what I wanted it to be. I would have been told to cheer up or my face would stay like that !

I didn’t wander around with a face on because life wasn’t exactly what I wanted it to be. I would have been told to cheer up or my face would stay like that !

Well, there's your answer.

Yes but responding to my 21 year old like that would result in a major meltdown. And then I am worried about them sliding into a mental health crisis , tbh that wouldn’t have occurred to my parents .

Honestly @cyclamenqueen just say it. I have decided to draw better boundaries and not put up with grumpy behaviour, MH or not.

It's very hard to say that to your kids if they have form for depression. I think I said it upthread but when you know young people who have died by suicide, it makes you hyper aware when your own children are seeming to slide into depression.
You can tell them to figure out surface level problems, like where their passport is or how they are planning to get to the airport but anything emotionally loaded is much harder. They seem to need more emotional support.

Like a pp said, it wouldn't have occurred to my parents to worry about my mental health or potential for suicide.
Previous generations didn't expect work to always be easy or fulfilling, we didn't expect to always be happy. We grew up used to feeling stress and anxiety at times and not having anyone to fix it. But some of our generation didn't cope and fell through the cracks - there was just less awareness of it!

Many of the generation posting on this thread, don't seem anymore resilient that their children in handling the day to day activities of life, which includes parenting. There feels like a level of neediness show by certain mothers so it does not surprise me that it is reflected in their children.

Don't blame your kids for your inability to take a step back and let them get on without, without demanding daily texts and updates.

I hear you on that @LadyBird1973. And I would not presume to tell anyone how to parent.God knows I am muddling my way through.

But parents are human too. MH is no excuse to treat people badly. I am experimenting with a light Grey Rock approach and am no longer making myself available to listen to incessant moaning. I say " That's difficult..What are you doing about it?" and take myself out for a walk. Or I direct to DH. Who is not as burnt out.

I also think that the current generation of fifty something women are getting it on all sides.

By my age my dm had lost both of her parents but that aside her parents might have needed support towards the end of their lives but their expectations of life in general were much lower than my parents/parents in law who seem to expect and need a lot of not just emotional support from us but also technology related support . Also parents are , thankfully, living longer but not always in the best of health. My PIL made zero provision for retirement because they assumed they would inherit, however GFIL is still hale and hearty at 106. Guess who’s had to step into the breach . My dm seems to fall in and out of friendships like a year 5 and wants me to listen to the whole saga.

All this in addition to dc needing /wanting more . I am quite honestly running on empty I have been chief cater, supporter , etc for all my life practically and they’ve had the lot . So you can stuff the neediness jibes.