I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

Yep!
they are young! They should be well up for it - embracing life’s ups and downs and challenges! It’s the years you have to dust yourself off and get back on it e.g with your career, relationships, etc. We’ve all been there - it’s life!

Trips home when she just needs to 'recharge' so can't ask her to do anything.

I think our generation were given much less freedom, so were more focused on independence to escape the restrictions of the home where we grew up.

Current generations are more likely to be treated as independent adults, even when living or visiting their 'home'.

I'd encourage you to ease off being the perfect confident, maybe give them a chance to vent then say no more venting til you have done some chores, being specific about what chores.

If you continue to support them so well, they won't ever pick up the skills of venting in a more equal, friend relationship.

Sorry but there it is.

me too ! Mine are all in their twenties . On the one hand they can be very independent but definitely seek my opinion on things I would never have spoken to my parents about. When things are going well we barely hear from them but problems sometimes seem to floor them more . They just seem younger but on the other hand for them to be so I dependent given how expensive housing is etc we were married with a child by the time we were ds1’s age. He said recently that he and his girlfriend can’t ever imagine being able to afford a house etc

I have really worked on not solving things for them but it’s hard , plus one had a mental health crisis at university and I will feel forever guilty that we were so busy letting him be independent that we missed the signs . It’s hard when that happens not to always be on your guard again .

I still feel guilty doing things on our own without the youngest who is 21 but really want and need to do holidays etc with just dh as with sixty looming I feel time is, if not running out, certainly hurtling by.

@OhFGSwhatTFnow

5.30am flight…which means I’m going to have to drive her to the airport at 2.30am on Thursday morning.

It really doesn't, you know. You might choose to do this but there are definitely options. I'm happy to ferry to and from the airport but I do expect to be asked before any flight is booked and thanked afterwards.

@theresnolimits

do they not have any friends they can speak to about their relationship issues?

I knew this would be dds. I have adult dds and god I hear you so much

We have 6, eldest nearly 40 and it never ends. Only yesterday we had a "crisis" 5 missed calls on my phone and 4 text in the space of 10 minutes. Called back, it truly wasn't a crisis and all of her own doing. At 30 years old she shouldn't have need me to fix the mess but hey ho, it's part of life.

DS lived with me until he was 25 but he knew that I was not there to fulfill his needs. I worked full time and he cooked his own food and mine quite often, was either studying or working and didn't expect me to be a taxi. He also did his own washing and ironing.
They only exploit you if you let them.

PS My favourite phrase is no.

@FluffyHamster It’s interesting what you say about shopping. My young adult dc is the same, and just orders everything on ASOS or Amazon. Not sure when the last time he ventured into a shop was. He even hates ordering the Chinese over the phone.

Mine do all this too but they bloody love to chat and tell.me everything which is sometimes exhausting.

I dont run a taxi service. We are in London and they take the Tube or Uber. They also feed themselves. I do a mass laundry load but that's not a big deal for me.

It's mostly the emotional labour. I do think DDs overshare more.

Yy I have friends with ds's who rarely hear from them.

@OhFGSwhatTFnow

it doesn’t mean that you have to take her at all. She can get a taxi just like everyone else does. She will never become more thoughtful and better able to plan and organise if you just accommodate her all the time.

At this point it's on you and not (entirely) them, you need to manage expectations and withdraw to a level you're comfortable with, no one needs to respond to a text immediately. You are actively choosing this even if it doesn't feel like it. They're adults, talk to them.

Sounds familiar

The difference in attitude from our graduate intake on day one compared to several months later after working in an adult environment is fairly amusing. I remember having to give the facts of life to one grad early on who was missing meetings or not showing up into the office at all due to 'not feeling mentally strong today' or 'needed some time to decompress'. In fairness she stepped up and stopped being such a wet blanket but I was just astonished that she had been indocrinated at uni to think that shite was acceptable.

@YoucancallmeKAREN

its not! At thirty years old she should be able to fix her own messes!

I think covid had a big impact in that it changed how we view school and work. Before, you just went to school. However, the pandemic made school almost optional. Similarly, covid made work more fluid in that you didn’t have to go into the office, and the 9-5 routine was broken.

Not sure if I’ve explained that well. Basically, covid meant that the fixed institutions of school and work were no longer fixed.

Bear in mind this is Mumsnet where if you even acknowledge the existence of your 18 year old child you are creating a sociopath.

I'm probably not as tolerant. 😁

@PlainBlueSkirt

screaming fits?!

I'm afraid to say I'm 38 and have leant heavily on my parents in the last few weeks (5 friends' suicides and husband being an arse). Once you sign up to parenting that's just the way it is, surely? And I left home at 16 so pretty independent! You're in this for the long haul OP!

I also think in my case it is exacerbated by the situation with my parents and PIL . I literally flinch sometimes when my phone pings ( it’s usually on silent for this reason) because it will be someone with a problem. I feel like one of those fat balls in the bird feeder with everyone pecking at me !

Nope, I don't think I was a helicopter mum honestly. This has definitely got more intense as they have turned in to young adults.
They also don't need me to physically parent them (so for the one worrying with little ones it's not that type of parenting), independent and busy - driving since 17. It's purely the emotional support.
Im definitely going to try and pull back from now on. Just a little at a time so it's not so noticeable.
Also I'm going to shut up a bit, and just nod sympathetically.

Sorry to say it, but I think the mantra ' well their brains aren't fully developed until 25' doesn't help. How can the brain develop if they are constantly asking an older person's opinion? If they can't sort out quite simple tasks? If they don't get the hang of all the things needed like budgeting, paying bills, getting along with people who think differently? Making excuses for them isn't helping them be mature and independent.
Sorry that's my rant for the day!