I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

My eldest son saved the deposit for his house. I encouraged the LISA. He asked me if I could help him find a house. I said ok. He knew the area he wanted and 2 bedrooms. I sat with him prompting for his Agreement in Principle. I searched until I found about 5, showed him, he said yes please could I set up viewings. I set up viewings, I went with him to viewings. Then he didn't know how much to offer. I suggested what to offer. Then an offer accepted. Then he asked me if I could sort out his mortgage. I couldn't do that as he needed to speak to them but I sorted him out life insurance, building and contents insurance got him a solicitor and helped him gather up information to send to them. DH also helped him move. All this support because he works long hours driving a class one lorry and I'm at home early retired. Once he moved out though he did become more independent.

I can identify with SO much of this and it echoes feelings that have been building in me, with 2 DDs still at home in their 20s. They are delightful human beings (caring, interesting, responsible etc) and we get on well, but none of that changes the fundamental dynamic that I am still their mum and shoulder the vast majority of the domestic/family load, just as I have always done, and am beginning to feel like I'm buckling beneath it all.

I don't think it's coincidence that so many of us are in the same situation. We and our twenty-something kids are unique in history in that we are the only generation to have spent an entirely internet-free childhood, and been the first young adults to navigate the online world, and work out how to bring up kids in that environment. Our kids are the only generation to have had restricted access to a far more limited internet in young childhood (my 29yr old was allowed an hour a day on our dial up family computer, which was in the kitchen where we could supervise!) but then suddenly found themselves with smartphones in their pocket at the age of 13, 14, 15.

It was an unprecedented era of parenting. Like a wise pp said, suddenly they had a 24 hour hotline to mum and dad, so there wasn't the same need to (for example) make travel arrangements in advance in case they got stranded, or work out bus routes. They didn't have to do that awkward thing of knocking on a friend's door and making polite conversation with their mum while waiting for the friend to come down, or plucking up the courage to phone a new girl/boyfriend and say 'hello Mrs X, it's Y, could I speak to Z please?' Their ability to connect with people outside home environments is probably reduced as a result, and the generalised level of social anxiety is higher.

I feel if I had been more aware of this at the time I would have been more intentional in specifically mitigating against it and building confidence, resilience and old fashioned life skills, but I don't think you see these things when you're living through them. We were just doing our best at the time. Which we still are now, I guess.

@notatherapist the username must have been a subconscious thing, cause mine call me (rather than Saul) to do the "dump and run" as another poster succinctly put it! :)

I was involved in their upbringing and education, don't think I was a "helicopter" parent though. In fact, I tried to instil responsibility, ownership and independence in my kids early on - but probably the neurodiversity has played a large part in their dependence on us parents.

I think my father's response to all the above requests would be to peer over the top of newspaper and say "why can't you do all of that yourself you lazy article, why should I do it for you?" before returning to the paper.

A couple of years ago I could have said the same as you OP.
Covid was tricky for them both work and socially and we had a few crises.

Mine are now 25 and 27 and the dependancy has lessened noticeably since they were 24. Could that be down to that maturing brain thing? That the brain isn't finally matured until age 25?

Also coincides with both having solid relationships.

I just have to back this up I saw it earlier in the thread. You really don't have to do anything of the sort and if you think the expectation of ferrying them about then I'm that's on you OP of course they will take a lift you are offering it on a plate !

My mother would have been the one asking me to do all that for her when I was 18, and I would have been capable of it.

I could have written this. Between my 3 adult children, I am on constant standby to advise and assist with careers, relationships, housing etc. It's not that they are incapable - they can hold down jobs, manage their money (mostly), cook. It's just that they seem to need so much emotional support. Maybe I was like this too and just don't remember accurately, but I was a mother at 23. I feel sure I asked my folks for parenting advice but I would never have shared as much personal stuff as my kids tell me! Sometimes it's just tmi!

I feel like Ma Boswell on the phone constantly to Adrian in Bread!

MA BOSWELL 😄 that's a blast from the past @LadyBird1973

@CatherinetheAverage What an interesting post and so true. That reminds me, Before dc was driving and we had to pick friends up, dc would text their friends to say we were outside. He wouldn’t go up to the door, or even phone them.

Tbf she has suggested she drive herself and pay for long stay parking but I’d still be awake worrying about her getting there safely.

If I can find a female taxi driver then that would be fine, but I’m sure I’m not the only mother that wouldn’t fancy packing their 18yo DD off in a taxi on her own with a strange bloke at 2am!

I think it’s also to go with the whole ‘mental health awareness’ thing . If I had told my parents that I was struggling or down they would have been horrified . We were ‘jolly lucky’ and my father was very keen on the phrase ‘life is not a bowl of cherries’ , they regarded thinking about your own feelings as extremely self indulgent and we were expected to put up and shut up. I didn’t expect to enjoy my job or for that matter to be happy, it was normal to be bumbling along.
Equally working hard at school got me into a good university and thence seamlessly into a good job. I did not have to spend days being psychologically assessed or observed in group situations or be interviewed by a chat bot or any if the stuff they have to go through now.

young people these days are so worried about failing at things or not being happy that I sometimes think they are worried about being worried or in fact not worried . My ds is the only one in his circle of uni friends who does not seem to have a diagnosed MH issue, they regard him as the outlier. We also know 2 sets of parents in our extended circle who have lost young people to suicide and it makes it hard to tell them to just get on with things, just in case they do something stupid .

Tbf this is your issue you are worrying about her to much I get that but in one breath you can't say you are still parenting adults then still parent adults so you are a contradiction she said she would take herself and you jumped in trying to save her. Long stay parking at airports normally have shuttles don't they she could have jumped on that.

My dds get in taxis alone lots of young women do safely.

I like my adult DC. They aren't some kind of perfect, but they are reasonable. They thank me a lot for things we can offer to help them out.

This rather proves my point about helicopter parents….

This is me - 2 YA mostly at home and I am still coping with anxiety, tantrums (honestly) and ongoing mood swings.. I really think the pandemic added to various MH issues..

I'm in my 50s with a successful career and would be happier with a female taxi driver too.

And would you need you mother to find one for you?

I blame mental health awareness too. My Gen Z DD,23 is like a millstone round my neck.

She dropped out of uni after 2.5 years and is now back home, working in various NMW jobs, that DH and I drive her to and from. She can afford driving lessons but doesn’t feel up to it.

She’s been on ADs for 6 years but is now unwilling to take anything that the GP suggests.

Any requests that she clear up after herself or in fact do anything for herself is answered with “I’m having a bad mental health day” 🙄

DS, 26 is a lot more self sufficient though he has ASD but is now unemployed and I worry like hell about him.

This is not about whether you like them or not.

For the record I also like my YA , they are funny, Kind, have great taste in music , hug me often, are great conversationalists and I also love their friends . But I do also do a lot of supporting, listening , for want if a better word, coaching , that my parents didn’t do for me at the same age and I do increasingly find myself wondering why and whether it is good for either them or me

have to have a listening ear ready at the end of the day (every day)

Stop doing this immediately because you’re not being fair to her. Nobody else in her life is going to listen to daily whinging.

The thing is we are too scared to tell our kids to just get on with it (which is what we would likely have heard as youngsters if we refused to do anything at home or dropped out of uni/complained about work not meeting all our personal needs). Many of us know parents whose children have died by suicide. DS lost a good friend at 18, which has had a huge impact on him as he went into the uni years. My friend lost her adult son to this too. She was away from him for less than half an hour. It's heartbreaking and makes you scared not to be constantly available.
But at the same time, these kids don't seem to have much resilience for life and I'm not sure how society is going to improve that.

It's hard isn't it? Mine are 24 and 22. It's frustrating, but I do think it's much harder for their generation than it was of us. The expectation on them seems to be so much higher. It's not enough to just want to get a job, any job, find somewhere to live and settle down. They're sold this idea that they must 'do what they love', but real life isn't like that. Employers take advantage of them and applying for jobs (even basic jobs) online is a complete ball ache. Even entry level jobs seem to want a degree and experience and expect candidates to jump through all sorts of hoops.

Through social media, they're bombarded with images of the perfect life, beautiful house, flash car, days out, holidays, designer clothes and made to feel like they're failing if they're not achieving it. But in reality, most of them won't be able to move out of home for years as it's just too expensive.

Dating is a nightmare, everything is online and everyone wants instant gratification. Young women are in a constant state of anxiety about why they have pont had an instant reply. All around them, people are identifying as trans, non-binary, pansexeal, demisexual, asexual and all the rest of it.

No wonder they're all so needy and we're picking up the pieces!