I've had enough of parenting adult kids- just a rant

[notatherapist]

Name changed because I feel guilty. Like the title says, I just don't want to parent this heavily when they are NT 21 and 23. I feel emotionally exhausted by how much they need me even when one is at uni and one is working. Working one currently at home as going travelling in a month or so.

Im always needed for 'emergencies', always expected to answer texts quickly, my advice is usually wrong. I can't get involved in issues but if I don't get involved then it's uncaring.

It's probably menopause related too but come on now, I barely needed my parents by their age and yet I see no immediate end in site. I will always be there for them and will never say this stuff to them but wondered if I am alone in my thoughts or is it more common as life is pretty unaffordable for this generation.

The bereavement one is definitely one I'm struggling to support as I didn't even know the person except in passing. I might suggest the specialists for that.

I'm not looking for too much advice really, I'm just trying to wait it out until launched (surely not too much longer) and I'm lucky that their issues on the whole are just day to day stuff.
Like someone just said, youngsters living at home longer because of money just makes everyone continue in that parent/child relationship default and it's draining.

My kids are the same age and I know what you mean. I think some of the 'asking Mum first thing' is a habit which they haven't yet grown out of. Also I know this is mentioned as an excuse a lot, but this is the covid generation whose first years as young adults were severely impacted by lockdowns/ restrictions etc. For example I know this seems bizarre, but I've only recently realised that DS2 has hardly any experience of shopping in REAL stores in town, rather than online and has only recently realised that you can, you know, buy something in town and pick it up instantly! 😂

My own strategy is to just become a bit less available for the non-essential stuff and if it's urgent let them work it out for themselves. Take a bit longer to reply to messages etc.

Useful questions:
'What do YOU think you should do about it?' (and then 'yes, I agree' etc)
'Have you checked online?'
'What are your friends doing?'
'What do you WANT to do about it?'

That said, I'm quite happy still to be called upon occasionally as it's part of the glue of family relationships and conversations, and I know there will be a time soon when I won't hear from them for weeks on end probably!😥

One of mine is pretty independent, the other not. Both reared exactly the same way. Go figure. I think a lot is due to nature, nor nurture.

I feel the same but mine are 31 & 25!
The 31 year old ( daughter) is still very dependent on me. I wish she would get a partner so he could take some of the strain but she is very fussy & quite unrealistic re relationships. She’s been single for years so all her problems come to me - financial & emotional

Omg if this lasts till 31, I swear I will top myself! I never told my parents anything at that age.

I think there is way too much communication these days!

This is what we say to ours not as much any more the eldest is 30 but as younger adults.

Fwiw I think it is fine to be a listening ear and support for adult children however you don't actually have to do anything just let them vent .

DD just asked me for some internship advice. I said "I am sure you can figure it out". ( gave a lot of advice yesterday)..She's accepted it. She hasn't always.
The other one does everything on his own and tells me nothing. It's one extreme or the other.

Also, I think this generation have grown up in a recent culture that constantly emphasises their personal rights to everything from duvet days to safe spaces, which is fine, but at some point these collide with the reality of modern life and the fact that everything and everyone doesn't revolve around you and your 'needs'.

I can see that starting work was a bit of an eye-opener for DS. We'd previously had discussions where he'd said he wouldn't be working outside his core hours, or agreeing to overtime, or going into the office more days than the minimum etc. DH and I just smiled and said 'well see how you get on...' Fast forward a year and he's had to navigate negotiations about being on call, has worked weekends for double time off in lieu, and has realised that he can 'work to rule' if he wants, but he won't be top of the list for promotion. And he actually prefers the office!

@notatherapist

Be thankful your not dealing with an adult dc (49) with severe mental health issues at the moment and absolutely no input from any local services due to no resources

All the late night early morning calls and messages from people alerting you to big issues or the running off and disappearing is a constant constant state of hell.

Saying what I did it can be relentless I just tuned it out 😄

@johnnydeppsslipper That sounds so hard. It’s hell watching someone you love deal with severe health issues, and it’s even harder when you are the main/ only support. Nothing to suggest, just wanted to offer you some empathy.

@Azaeleasinbloom

Thank you for that.

It's literally a continuous cycle of erratic crazy behaviour including disappearing in a state of panic to refusing to even get out of bed let alone wash or eat or drink it's constant.

Being on a wait list for mental health help is shocking and dangerous and due to lack of continuity from surgeries and drs and the patient being deemed to have capacity means they still have full control of medication adjustments which is causing many issues and there's nothing we can do about it other than what we are.

You can also say "honey, tell me all about it, but before you do, do you need just a listener or are you looking for advice? Either is fine!"

DS2 has hardly any experience of shopping in REAL stores in town, rather than online and has only recently realised that you can, you know, buy something in town and pick it up instantly!

How did he never go into a shop and buy anything before lockdown? If he's an adult now, he must have been mid-teens then.

Same…although tbf my DD is only 18.

I live her dearly and actually she is pretty independent and resilient but sometimes the micro whinges and occasional lack of thought when she’s planning things does drive me a bit nuts.

She’s taking herself to Italy for a few days next month and has booked a 5.30am flight…which means I’m going to have to drive her to the airport at 2.30am on Thursday morning.

Luckily I’m self-employed so it’s not a huge problem logistically but it’s still a PiTA.

I’ve also been caring for elderly parent/s for the last few years so as an only child and a single parent I’m bloody knackered (and the there’s the joys of perimenopause 🙄)…

So very sorry @johnnydeppsslipper..Hope things get better.

Am going to use that line @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

But very willing to have others run themselves into the ground pandering to them.

Anoisagusaris · Today 10:54
Young adults’ resilience seems to be in the toilet these days…..needing to ‘reset’ and ‘ ‘recharge’ while others run around after you would have been given short shrift when I was that “

Cut them some slack. I’m guessing like me, you weren’t isolated from your peers because of a pandemic during your formative years.

Because of my CEV husband, our youngest saw people of his own age around half a dozen times during sixth form as did many hundreds of thousands of other youngsters. His First year at university was also seriously impinged with social restrictions.

We think that in many ways, his age group is in fact more resilient but in a different way.

There is some truth to this. DS currently looking for a summer job and he has so many conditions. He is actually a hard worker in uni but I guess not so much over summer.. I am biting my tongue....

I hear you. I'm so fucking done!

I'd stop enabling this reliance now or you'll be here in ten (or even twenty) years lamenting that your thirty or forty somethings DC are still reliant on you. Seriously. I know of grown up kids who I wonder how will function when their ageing parents can no longer support them.

She’s taking herself to Italy for a few days next month and has booked a 5.30am flight…which means I’m going to have to drive her to the airport at 2.30am on Thursday morning
I'd introduce her to the concept of the taxi. You are a fool to accommodate this rubbish.

Agree. She pays for a taxi. If she can travel to Italy, she can get herself to the airport. Come on.

Definitely taxi or Uber my kids have been using taxis/uber for years even though they are not even 18 yet they just use my account.

This. Supporting through something like that does reset the relationship.
OP there are times when the barrage from dc is constant (20+ msgs calls and pics Fremont dd1 since last night) but it’s manageable for me. I’m not a martyr so I think it’s down to the following.
•Boundaries- I don’t always respond immediately. I was 100% not there for a good month earlier this year after a bereavement; they supported each other and went to their dad. I’ll also say “Go away I don’t care!” occasionally.

•I’m supported. I have a strong network of support, including professional.