DS 18 not giving lifts

[Greatballsoffer]

So I can’t drive (& never will so to learn is not an option). My son 18 does I paid for all lessons & an inheritance paid for his nice car.
Does he give me lifts when I ask?? Does he heck!! I’m shocked & upset how he just says no I’m too tired, can’t be bothered or ask dad (who is working self employed locally) I’m getting very resentful & starting to do less for him!
Any suggestions or pearls of wisdom to help??

Does he do lots else to contribute to the household?

Look back at what you paid for his lessons. If he pays you that back you’ll be able to afford taxis.

Get your own driving lessons?

I know you say you can't learn, but ultimately expecting your DS to drive you around just because he can now isn't reasonable either. My mum learned to drive and passed her test at 63, for example.

Are there medical reasons why you can't drive?

Did you explain when you paid for the lessons and bought the car that you would be expecting lifts in return?

Obviously, I think it would be nice if he was willing to help you out and it's a bit sad that he doesn't want to, but unless it was a part of the original agreement, I don't think you can just expect it.

He should give you lifts at least some of the time. He sounds ungrateful and disrespectful.

I never wanted to drive, I was terrified at the thought of it! But ultimately I knew I couldn't keep expecting other people to drive me around so I learnt in my late 30s. I don't like driving but it's very useful being independent.

How often are you asking for lifts?

Medically I'm unable to drive.
I do expect, out of respect, a lift or whatever I ask of him to help me.

Well, you can’t force him to give you lifts… Do you give him enough notice of wanting a lift?

Depends how often you ask. I don't drive because of disability but am very aware of not asking for lifts often. It gets annoying for people.

I think it depends on how often you're asking?

He sounds ungrateful and like a lazy teenager. I also had one of those.

But on the other hand, a gift is a gift. You freely paid for the lessons because he is your son and you wanted him to learn to drive.
You cannot now reasonably expect something in return unless that was the agreement to start with. It would be a nice gesture, but you can't expect it.
And let's face it, no 18 year old wants to be seen to be his mum's taxi. Just not cool! ;-)

I agree he should be helping sometimes, but he shouldn't be at your beck and call. Surely at 18 he has his own life too. I'm assuming at 18 he works and/or studies?

Was that made clear, though, when you paid for his lessons? Does he live with you? I do think it’s mean of him, though - you could have a talk about people living in a community-give and take for all.

I've now stopped asking, but in the first 3 months of passing he actually gave me four lifts just locally. I have in the past 3 months asked for no more than 4 lifts which he's said no too.
There was not an verbal agreement of if I pay your lessons I expect lifts but as my son I would like to think he'd want to!

Yes he lives with me & is studying / taking A levels.

Sounds like a typical teenager but you also sound very entitled, you ‘expect’ him to give you lifts.
Are these lifts at specific times / days or do you just ask there and then? Even as an adult I hate been asked to do something if I’ve planned a couple of hours chill time, I don’t mind so much if I know in advance, so for example my son might say, on Tuesday night can you drop me off at X’s house and pick me up later, I would say yes no problem. If he came in on Tuesday evening when I’ve just set up a series on Netflix and said please can you take me to X’s house, I’d be much more put out at the request.

I think it depends on what you’re actually asking.

If it’s something like:

I want to go into town tomorrow, can you drop me off there?

then he’s a bit unreasonable to refuse unless he’s already got conflicting plans.

If it’s more like:

I fancy a walk around the shops, can you take me into town now?

and he’s in the middle of doing something else, then I don’t think he’s unreasonable as he’s not a taxi service.

He's a brat

Ask him infront of his dad and his friends
If he says no start charging the kid rent

OP doesn't sound entitled! It perfectly normal to give family lifts now and again.

Yes he's a brat, I've started to resent him as I feel he's selfish & doesn't care. This is actually the first sign of this trait in him & I it's very hurtful it's targeted at me.

I hope you're not doing his laundry, cooking his food, cleaning all the bathrooms, floors etc

I wouldn't be giving lifts to someone who only did something for me to benefit them. I also wouldn't give lifts to someone who resented me or thought I was a brat because I didn't live up to their expectations that they weren't adult enough to vocalise.

I found it was all targeted at me too ,I think they push their mothers away so it makes it easier for them to move away.

If he’s not doing anything else then it’s a bit off of him to say no but I think it depends on how you’re asking. If you ask him to take you food shopping/wait for you and bring you back then that’s not fair - however if you ask him to collect you after you’ve got to the shops and done the shopping then that’s fairer.
if you’re asking for multiple lifts a week then again not fair but Once or twice should be ok.
paying for his driving lessons and buying him a car was lovely and kind but he’s seen that as a gift and gifts don’t come with strings.
how were you getting about before he had the car?