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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DS 18 not giving lifts

196 replies

Greatballsoffer · 02/06/2022 08:43

So I can’t drive (& never will so to learn is not an option). My son 18 does I paid for all lessons & an inheritance paid for his nice car.
Does he give me lifts when I ask?? Does he heck!! I’m shocked & upset how he just says no I’m too tired, can’t be bothered or ask dad (who is working self employed locally) I’m getting very resentful & starting to do less for him!
Any suggestions or pearls of wisdom to help??

OP posts:
saraclara · 02/06/2022 09:48

Eddiesferret · 02/06/2022 09:41

If you are medically unable to drive have you looked at claiming PIP ? There are very few medical conditions that prevent you from driving especially with an adaptive vehicle through motorbility. However - if you are unlucky enough to have such a severe disability that completely precludes driving - then you could use the mobility component either towards a car that your DH could drive you around in /or keep the money towards taxis for yourself.

It's not realistic or sustainable to expect your child to be your driver but there are options .

It doesn't have to be a major disability to prevent someone driving.

OP is not expecting him to be her driver. She's asked a simple favour approximately once every four weeks. It's his uncaring attitude that hurts her.

In most families, people help each other out. Even 18 year olds. DS has shown that he doesn't care to do this for his mum, and that's what hurts.

ldontWanna · 02/06/2022 09:51

He's a prick.
Have you talked to him about it though? It could just be teenage selfishness and laziness and him not realising that it's upsetting you. After all, you managed for many years before him getting his licence.

Sit him down, explain how you feel in a non accusatory way and see what he says/if he changes his behaviour.

Letting this resentment build up is not good for anyone.

5thHelena · 02/06/2022 09:52

Greatballsoffer · 02/06/2022 09:12

Yes he's a brat, I've started to resent him as I feel he's selfish & doesn't care. This is actually the first sign of this trait in him & I it's very hurtful it's targeted at me.

If this is the first sign of this trait in him I can't help but wonder that something else is up. Is he busy revising when you ask? Is it the way you're asking? I think to call him an entitled brat when by the sound of it he's never behaved like this before is harsh to say the least.

Original poster
Greatballsoffer · 02/06/2022 09:53

I'm waiting till after his exams to have a talk with him & get to the bottom of his crap attitude towards me.
In the meantime I won't ask. I'll carry on as usual but feeling a little pissed off, he'd rather see me get a bus/public transport/drag dad out of work than drop me 1 mile down the road.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 02/06/2022 10:00

If it’s lifts for only one mile or so I think YABU, as there’s public transport and you could easily walk or cycle (if your disability allows this). Or if it’s more severe could you look into getting a mobility scooter?

TidyDancer · 02/06/2022 10:03

He does sound very selfish and I couldn't imagine treating my DM that way.

I think you have to treat him like he's treating you if that's the way he's choosing to go with it.

abigailsnan · 02/06/2022 10:14

Ops how is your boy funding his car does he have a job because I know his insurance will be very expensive and if you as parents are helping with the costs then he should be at least offering you the few lifts that you have asked for just out of being grateful for all you have paid out for him,ACs have such an entitled view to life and expect parents to fund everything for them.
Let him do his own laundry/ironing/meals/bedroom etc you may have to teach him how to work the appliances however.

anydream · 02/06/2022 10:18

Some of the responses on here seem very odd to me. Neither of my older children have their own car but have use of a family car. They have never declined to give anyone else in the family a lift (as long as they are at home at the time) and wouldn't dream of it. We've been giving them lifts for 17+ years and they assume it's just part of family life. I suppose the difference here is that he's never been in a position where you have done that for him but that's not really relevant. Teenagers don't have to be selfish - it's perfectly reasonable to expect them to act like decent human beings. Maybe if you didn't ask as though it was a big deal it would be better? Just a "can you take me to x later please?" with the expectation that the answer will be yes?

GreenLunchBox · 02/06/2022 10:20

God, people have such low expectations on MN.

OP, I agree with you, I would not be happy with this at all. Ungrateful brat.

Pluvia · 02/06/2022 10:35

At 18 young people are programmed to be pushing away from family and parents and out into the world. They need to be a bit oppositional as they learn to become their own person. It's an important developmental stage. And as previous posters have pointed out, it's really not cool to be taking your mum out in your car when you're 18. I can imagine that once he realised that your gift of driving lessons and a car was a gift with strings attached he felt resentful. You weren't clear and he'll likely feel you invested in him to meet your own needs.

He's 18. With a bit of luck he'll grow out of it in a few years. You've done a good thing by enabling him to get an important skill (driving) under his belt. In the meantime I think you should stop doing his laundry and cooking on demand for him. If he doesn't want to share a family meal with you, he'll need to cook his own and clear up afterwards. He's an adult and he needs to take adult responsibility for himself.

HollowTalk · 02/06/2022 10:38

I would be very unhappy about this, particularly as he's had his lessons paid for and has been given the money for a car.

I'd say that if he wants that kind of relationship then he can do his own cooking and washing from now on.

Howappropriate · 02/06/2022 10:39

Say to him you should think very carefully before you refuse me a lift. If you want fed, WiFi paid, hot water etc. We are a family and that's a two way street.

Strawberriesaregreat · 02/06/2022 10:42

Haven't rtwt but who pays for the petrol?

saraclara · 02/06/2022 10:49

At 18 young people are programmed to be pushing away from family and parents and out into the world. They need to be a bit oppositional as they learn to become their own person. It's an important developmental stage. And as previous posters have pointed out, it's really not cool to be taking your mum out in your car when you're 18

Oh for goodness' sake. You speak like no-one here has had an 18 year old, and you're totally infantilising that age group. Like many others here, my 18 year olds recognised that their dad and I had driven them all over the place during their teens, and also given them use of our cars until they could buy their own. So they were very happy to help us out. 18 year olds are perfectly capable of being appreciative and caring. And most of them are not so pathetic as to think that if their friends see them taking their parent somewhere, their position in their 'pack' will plummet.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 02/06/2022 10:55

Do you contribute to fuel costs and do you give him plenty of notice?

You shoul

Ohhhhladz · 02/06/2022 10:57

It's pretty common that when teenagers pass the driving test they'll pitch in a bit to drop off/pick up younger children, or run errands that require driving. It's really more a share of the household chores rather than a personal favour - although of course the balance of chores across the household members may have to be adjusted to keep things fair. Maybe a more formal arrangement would work, especially if the times you need lifts are routine or predictable.

In this case, if it's just the three of you, your son driving you a bit is also a help to your husband as well as to you. The fact that he tells you to ask your husband instead of him kind of shows he knows you need a ride and it's a reasonable request, he just personally does not want to be the one to drive. (I'm assuming he's comfortable driving when there's somewhere he wants or needs to go, and it's not an anxiety- or phobia-related iproblem.)

If you ask him to take you food shopping/wait for you and bring you back then that’s not fair - however if you ask him to collect you after you’ve got to the shops and done the shopping then that’s fairer. If OP's doing the food shopping for the household, it's completely fair for the son to drive her sometimes. If they both did the shopping together rather than his sitting in the car, that would be even better. I'd review how household responsibilites are divvied up right now - if the husband's doing all the driving for the household, maybe the son can pick up some additional responsibilities to make up for it.

AskingforaBaskin · 02/06/2022 11:01

Also who's paying for the cars MOT, Tax, Insurance, break down cover, fuel?

I'd really love to know that

Shinyandnew1 · 02/06/2022 11:09

My DS wouldn’t refuse to give lifts. What reason is he giving? I would have a conversation with him based on what he says. If he says I don’t want to, then I’d say, well I don’t always want to wash your clothes/cook you dinner/pay your mobile phone bill etc but I do it anyone.

Who pays the petrol/insurance?

What does your DH say when DS refuses the lifts-mine would have something to say about it! Why is this attitude directed only at you?

Pickabearanybear · 02/06/2022 11:10

This reply has been withdrawn

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User3568975431146 · 02/06/2022 11:17

I don't think it's him that's acting like he's spoiled.

GreenLunchBox · 02/06/2022 11:18

saraclara · 02/06/2022 10:49

At 18 young people are programmed to be pushing away from family and parents and out into the world. They need to be a bit oppositional as they learn to become their own person. It's an important developmental stage. And as previous posters have pointed out, it's really not cool to be taking your mum out in your car when you're 18

Oh for goodness' sake. You speak like no-one here has had an 18 year old, and you're totally infantilising that age group. Like many others here, my 18 year olds recognised that their dad and I had driven them all over the place during their teens, and also given them use of our cars until they could buy their own. So they were very happy to help us out. 18 year olds are perfectly capable of being appreciative and caring. And most of them are not so pathetic as to think that if their friends see them taking their parent somewhere, their position in their 'pack' will plummet.

Exactly. WTF

Smartsub · 02/06/2022 11:24

Who's paying for his car?

What kind of lifts? Picking me/you up from the station is different to a trip where he'd need to wait to bring you back.

Ds1 is 21. I don't ask him for lifts that would interfere with his plans, but if he's at home I don't expect him to argue and he doesn't. I do have to bite my tongue about the quality of the driving though 😆

I think a couple of time a month is quite a lot and frankly the experience is such that sometimes I'd rather walk

anydream · 02/06/2022 11:28

GreenLunchBox · 02/06/2022 11:18

Exactly. WTF

Show quote history

Thank goodness someone is talking sense. Not only does my children's street cred not plummet when they are seen with parents, they have friends who can even converse pleasantly with said parents if they are seen with them.

Original poster
Greatballsoffer · 02/06/2022 11:32

We pay insurance, he bought car with grandparents inheritance.
He pays diesel from his savings from a Xmas job, but the few lifts I've had I gave £5 or £10, definitely over what his costs were.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 02/06/2022 11:36

If you are paying the insurance, then it’s fair enough he gives you lifts. What would happen if you said you wouldn’t be paying it anymore?