DS 18 not giving lifts

[Greatballsoffer]

So I can’t drive (& never will so to learn is not an option). My son 18 does I paid for all lessons & an inheritance paid for his nice car.
Does he give me lifts when I ask?? Does he heck!! I’m shocked & upset how he just says no I’m too tired, can’t be bothered or ask dad (who is working self employed locally) I’m getting very resentful & starting to do less for him!
Any suggestions or pearls of wisdom to help??

Not only that, he is at prime time for a level exams and coursework which isn't a piece of piss.

How were you getting to places before he had passed his test?

What things have you asked for lifts for?

I'd certainly think as someone living at home (rent free?) if you had a medical appointment - for example - and he's home and dh working - then he should give you a lift.

If your going to see a friend and have always gone by bus then I can understand his reluctance (although i'd think the same as you re not very nice to refuse).

I guess all you can do is make it clear that if he wants full independence in the fact he won't contribute to a few lifts he has that regards everything. That's paying his own petrol, insurance, doing his own chores and washing etc.

My dad didn't drive and I got driving lessons for my 17th birthday whether I liked it or not. (I didn't.) And they came with the expressed expectation that I would help my mum with lifts where necessary (for my younger brother mostly, my dad almost never needed taking anywhere).

You needed to have had this conversation when you have the lessons I'm afraid. But given that you're medically unable to drive, yes, I'd be very disappointed in him too. A request every four weeks is nothing.

I think you need a conversation with him to remind him of how fortunate he is to have had that money spent on him, and how being part of a family as an adult, is recognising when others need help.

And yes, if you do stuff for him that he's capable of doing for himself, that needs bringing up too.

I usually walk, get public transport, taxis & lifts from dh.
I was not demanding lifts, just a 'could you quickly drop me off ...' when I knew he's wasn't busy.

Where does it say that he only had the lessons to benefit OP? And he's 18 FFS. Stop infantalising him.

And he's 18 FFS. Stop infantalising him.

Sorry, misread your post. Ignore that bit.

OP wouldn't have mentioned that she paid for the lessons/car if it wasn't a prime reason in why she expects him to give her lifts.

Well he can start doing his own cooking and washing clothes can't he.

Yes i100% understand where you are coming from. Asking the occasional favour from our offspring is what normal,caring families do for each other including mine !!
Would be pretty pissed off if my children begrudged giving me a lift ,if it wasn’t inconveniencing them too much and as long as I wasn’t becoming too needy !
Maybe ask him in a calm way what it is that is problematic for him.

OP I appreciate it would be nice if he gave you lifts but he’s an adult and he doesn’t have to.
Presumably if you can’t and will never be able to drive you live somewhere with good public transport links. You’ll have to just continue to rely on them. I do drive but rarely use our car as there’s a bus stop outside the house. You need to adjust your life to not rely on him really.

I'd cut him some slack at the moment with a levels etc. But when school is done would have a chat about it. "We all do stuff for each other in order to get along and make each other's lives easier" etc....

YABU. Just because he can drive doesn't mean he's now your taxi service.

Ask him well in advance (a few days before)

Depends on what you agreed when you paid for lessons and his car - but he sounds selfish too, my dd paid for her own, she still offers though. I'm wondering if there's other resentment going on due to your medical issues

Mumsnet is so so weird compared to real life. In real life, my daughters friends give their parents lifts with no issues. My dad hasn't passed yet, but she defo will for me too when/if I ask. Its what families do, help each other out.

If my dd was like this I'd simply stop making her dinner, doing her washing etc. If he is adult enough to drive but refuses to help you then you can do the same for him.

If you are medically unable to drive have you looked at claiming PIP ? There are very few medical conditions that prevent you from driving especially with an adaptive vehicle through motorbility. However - if you are unlucky enough to have such a severe disability that completely precludes driving - then you could use the mobility component either towards a car that your DH could drive you around in /or keep the money towards taxis for yourself.

It's not realistic or sustainable to expect your child to be your driver but there are options .

My daughter hasn't passed yet that is suppose to say, not dad. Who I also give lifts to whenever he needs them.

She isn't asking him to be her driver for goodness sake, she's asked him for four lifts in numerous months and he's refused them all. She is hardly asking him to be her personal chauffeur 🤦‍♀️

Exactly this!
I've started to do less for him, partly out of resentment but also to encourage his independence.

I feel for you OP, it's horrible when you see them being so selfish when it's clear what the right thing is to do.
Wait until exams are over and then giving you a lift becomes a listed chore, same as you doing the washing or buying food. Frankly I'd be going on strike and refusing to make meals etc. until he agreed to 1-2 lifts per week.

I would revisit after A-levels are finished, it is mentally draining doing exams and even the normally unselfish person can become very self-absorbed.

Oh sorry cross posts.
I'd also - after exams - be telling him I'm disappointed in him that I thought I'd brought him up to have consideration for others.

Sell the car you bought and use the money for taxis

Or just have an honest conversation? So many Mumsnetters passive aggressively post about things that could be fixed by having a conversation.