DS 18 not giving lifts

[Greatballsoffer]

So I can’t drive (& never will so to learn is not an option). My son 18 does I paid for all lessons & an inheritance paid for his nice car.
Does he give me lifts when I ask?? Does he heck!! I’m shocked & upset how he just says no I’m too tired, can’t be bothered or ask dad (who is working self employed locally) I’m getting very resentful & starting to do less for him!
Any suggestions or pearls of wisdom to help??

I just love it when people with no clue at all come on here to give benefits advice.

There are plenty of medical conditions that mean people can't drive but would be unlikely to get PIP. My DS can't drive because he has epilepsy. A friend has a different condition that causes blackouts and once fainted behind the wheel. Neither are badly enough effected day-to-day to be eligible for any benefits, but I'm sure you'd rather they weren't driving the car behind you at the point they lose consciousness.

I think it's awful that he doesn't give you lifts, can only hope that one day when he is more emotionally mature, he will be deeply ashamed of himself.

I CAN drive but have been very clear with my DS that when he passes his test he can drive me places and run his sisters to their clubs.

I run my house with little help from others as I like it that way. I don't ask much from anyone.."

"This may be you problem. You haven't taught him from an early age to do his bit, he hasn't learned from an early age it can feel good to help and get thanks from others, he hasn't learned from an early age it can feel satisfying to be able do things for yourself as an independent adult, so it isn't natural for him. These qualities don't appear from nowhere."

Yes I agree, hence why I am slowly withdrawing.
After he's finished his exams, we'll sit with him & get to the bottom of it.
Plus we have married adult children who I don't remember showing this unhelpful & selfish trait.

People saying the OP paid for his car....I thought she said he got it from an inheritance?

I'd cancel the insurance, make him get a job to earn money for his own insurance

He can't expect you to pay for that and then not help you out with a quick lift somewhere

She is paying for the insurance. Good luck to him using the car without OP.

It's not often the condition itself, it's the medication that makes driving not possible. There's quiet a few meds that say not to operate heavy machinery while taking them and some people are on those meds for life.

This sort of thing needs to be explicit.

it’s normal in my area to pay for teens to get their first car. It’s also normal to assign them certain tasks that can be done with that car in exchange.

Teenagers are inherently lazy, tired and selfish. Have you had a chat about how this is making you feel and spelt out all the things you do for him and how little you expect by comparison in return?

As a disabled parent, I get the frustration of knowing it would be so easy for teenager to help with X when it's such a pain for me, but they're not helping or getting them to help feels like I'm being a burden to them with the way they act.

On the other hand, no, I don't think he's automatically being a brat for not being ready and willing to help whenever requested even if he doesn't appear busy to you. I get it feels that way, I've had that gut punch overhearing 'what does she want now?', but I have to remember that my kids are allowed to be tired too. To be in pain too. To not be arsed just as much as I am. To have different priorities and not see things my way.

I 100% agree in having a conversation around everyone participating in the household and helping each other and how to help that go more smoothly, but don't go in with him being the bad guy. With my 17 year old, I find discussing what and how he's doing before asking whether he'll be up to X later works far better than saying 'could you quickly...' at the moment I could use something. Sudden transitions and teens tends to cause issues in my family when if I give them my ear for a few minutes and then wait 5-10 minutes to finish something up, I usually get all the help I could want and more.

The older mine get, the more I find that discussing it in advanced and not assuming they're ready to help just because I can't tell they're busy makes things go a lot smoother and our relationship a lot better. We have a lot of discussions on what we all need in the upcoming days, what we want to do and balancing how we can help each other. Being proactive means I feel hurt a lot less, and it's the very thing I want my kids to be. Sometimes urgency is needed - I've had a lot in the last week having an injury resulting in not being able to carry much at all - but if I make everything urgent, what's actually urgent tends to not go as well.

That's pretty poor to be honest. DS is 18, paid for his own lessons, his own car AND would give me a lift occasionally if I asked. I usually don't ask as I drive, but if DH has our car DS would take me shopping or whatever I wanted to do (maybe once a month or so). I don't ever expect a lift and I always make sure he's free first. He picks up his sister from school once or twice a week as well.

Not expecting 18 year olds to have some consideration and pitch in when asked, is how women end up with lazy, selfish husbands down the line. No one is saying he has to jump to attention and do something immediately but I don't buy that he's too tired/busy to ever help his mum out. He needs to make the time - I bet he's not too busy or tired to do what's important to him!

Exactly. And I suspect that people expect more of their 18 year old daughters.

Absolutely, it's about his priorities. I struggled to get my son to do anything I asked at the time I asked it, mainly because he is ND. But from 14 he did do his own laundry, cleaning and cooking.

I missed the bit where OP said she was paying his insurance.....he should be paying his own and if not then say 'I'll pay your insurance for this year but in return I would Iike lift's from time to time. How much advance warning would you like of those lifts?"

But you can't do everything for kids then wonder why they don't suddenly become adults and understand it is 2 way. They have to be clearly taught.

OP, you say that he has adult siblings that weren't like this at his age. Any chance that one of them could tell him that he's being an entitled arse, and to show some gratitude that his insurance is paid?

I don’t blame you OP, my DS passed at 17, I could drive, but as he was always giving his college mates lifts, I would have been very unhappy if he refused, and I couldn’t drive.

I hate gifts with strings attached. All parents I know (of course, that's not 'all parents', but it really is the norm here) pay for lessons and insurance. Some also buy a car (but that was his inheritance money, it seems).
Noone expects anything. It's like paying for swimming lessons. They learn to swim, it's a life skill. There's nothing in it for the parents directly.
What will you do when he isn't there any more? What did you do before he passed? Is he a paid carer?

It didn't have strings attached. But most 18 year olds are appreciative enough to recognise that if a parent has had a lifetime of ferrying them around and has paid (presumably an extortionate amount for an 18 year old male) for their insurance, then it would be reasonable to very occasionally (once a month in this case) give your mum a local lift somewhere.

Like OP, I'd be hugely disappointed with hiis complete refusal to do so.

I think you're a bit unreasonable tbh. I don't drive, DP does, and I'm very conscious sometimes of how much he drives. He sweetly pretends to enjoy it and that it's not a big deal but it is for me. If you can't drive you need to get really unresentful about getting yourself around and learning public transport, which thankfully even in my neck or the woods is ok

I think there’s a mix of unreasonable-ness.

our parents paid for us to learn to drive. Lifts were part of the deal. Just like they gave us lifts when they could, then I gave them lifts when I could.

it was reciprocal. And we all knew that. He should be giving lifts when he can. Op should have spoke to him about how he is now an adult he is expected to help , since he failed to realise that on his own.

However, I think the ‘he is a brat’ coming from Op is unreasonable. She says it’s the first time he has shown this sort of behaviour. Jumping straight to beat seems ott. Some teenagers don’t always think out what they are doing and are a bit self involved. Even at 18, parents still need to guide them on occasion.

I have an 18 year old. If she displayed some selfish behaviour that was out of character, I would speak to her. Not be calling her a brat and getting angry at her.

Some people would ask, others wouldn't. I can't see why I would ask, if I had solutions before and would need solutions again after. Why suddenly need to be dependent on your 18 year old son? I dread growing old and needing my kids to do stuff for me - definitely wouldn't be fast forwarding it by decades if I could just walk/get taxi as per usual

She isn't dependent on him FFs she is asking him to do one small favour. Considering how much he is happy to take off her he should be jumping at the chance.

I think you're nice waiting till after his exams I'd be pulling him up on this BS today.

She isn't dependent on him FFs she is asking him to do one small favour.

Exactly. There are things we could all do entirely by ourselves, that are made infinitely easier if a family member helps out a bit. And if going to an appointment by bus is going to take 40 minutes, but going by car will take ten, it's not unreasonable to ask if a partner or adult DC might give you a lift to save time.
Yes, OP can get there under her own steam as she normally does, but if there's someone who can help out (and maybe she has another commitment hot on the heels of that appointment on that occasion) is she really unreasonable to hope that, just once a month or so, her own child might want to help her out?

I'm pretty sure my own kids were asked favours by me more than once a month, and didn't find that incredibly unreasonable.

The trips are a mile away. A twenty minute walk. No one should be using their car for such short trips. Wasting money and the planet.

Maybe get a bike, @Greatballsoffer ?

Yes.. now it's reached the point that I won't bother asking, it's something I'll definitely bring up with them.