DS 18 not giving lifts

[Greatballsoffer]

So I can’t drive (& never will so to learn is not an option). My son 18 does I paid for all lessons & an inheritance paid for his nice car.
Does he give me lifts when I ask?? Does he heck!! I’m shocked & upset how he just says no I’m too tired, can’t be bothered or ask dad (who is working self employed locally) I’m getting very resentful & starting to do less for him!
Any suggestions or pearls of wisdom to help??

Since when did giving your mum (who you live with) a local lift once a month when public transport was going to be inconvenient, turn anyone into a carer?

This is normal family helpfulness and consideration. It's absolutely nuts to equate it with being a carer.

But being helpful should be voluntary, right? Not 'demanded' and calling him lazy or entitled if he didn't because he had something else on or wasn't feeling great or just didn't want to go out that day for whatever reason?

Would the same apply if it was her DH rather than son? Or sister? Or mother?

I assume paying for the insurance is a gift - how long will OP hold this over her DS' head to blackmail him into running her around?

And the non driving OP can pay for the taxi using the money that she would otherwise waste paying for driving insurance for her son. Sounds fair put that way.

Many drivers do actually pay their own insurance. I don't know why you find that such a shocker. I don't see why a non driver has to subsidize a driver. The OP will be able to afford the taxis she needs if she isn't paying his insurance. And how long is a parent meant to continue paying an offsprings insurance for? Why are you trying to guilt her into paying insurance for a young man who can get a part time job to pay for the luxury of driving.

When he asks where his dinner is you can say you spent the money on a taxi

I'd be ashamed of my child's was happy to hold out his hands for thousands of pounds and not give anything in return.

I'd happily let his car rot on the drive and never pay a penny towards it again.

If people genuinely think giving a person you live with a local lift once every few weeks turns a regular 18yo into a ‘carer’ then I’m amazed kids are turning out as well as they do. I suppose expecting them to wash their own clothes is also akin to tossing them out onto the street

A brat is a kid being a pita
A prick is far worse & I didn't call him that, because he's not one.
I chose to pay for his lessons, me being a non driver it was an important skill he learnt & I'm presently paying for my younger ds.
I'd be lying if I didn't see a few lifts at the end of it, which he did happily a few times in the space of 3 months. I can comfortably pay for taxis that's not the issue, ds refusing to help me out is.
I may bring a conversation forward, though he's stressed enough re revision & exams.. which in all fairness the more I think about it could be the reason he's being difficult.

Did you make it clear that the lessons were needed because he was going to be needed as your driver?
Most parents (as I have said before, all parents I know but I wouldn't want to assume that's all parents everywhere) just pay for driving lessons as part of what you do as a parent. It doesn't come with caring responsibility attached to it.

And ... yes .... it's peak exam time .... unsurprisingly he will be stressed

You actually said

Yes he's a brat, I've started to resent him as I feel he's selfish & doesn't care. This is actually the first sign of this trait in him & I it's very hurtful it's targeted at me.

You are starting to resent a teenage for starting for showing a bit of selfishness. terms can be selfish. So can adult.

You feel targeted. It’s so over the top.

Glad you realise that his exams might be part of it. If he is so stressed you can’t have a conversation, it will be contributing.

In which case, he isn’t being a brat. He is struggling a bit. But your first reaction was about how you are targeted, he was being a brat and poor you. Which I do find really odd.

Yes I called him a brat.
Yes I'm upset & feeling resentful towards ds selfishness, because I'm hurt & my feelings matter.

It's okay op, just focus on your next child and make sure they know their lessons are only being paid for so they can drive you places. Setting expectations is vital.

Presumably you will be paying towards petrol?

His dad should have the talk with him,not you. I don't understand why DH has not already done this unless he himself is being mean about giving you lifts. If it's DHs money that's paying the insurance and DH is not asking DS to give you lifts,I can understand why DS gets the idea he can say no.

She already pays the fucking car insurance.

Nothing special about that. In my very normal area, that's what many parents do. A few expect the kids to fund it themselves. I don't know anyone who pays for it as a kind of private taxi arrangement.

I paid for my own first car, tax, insurance etc. My parents couldn't afford to bank roll me. Maybe that's why I was happy to muck in living back at home after graduating. I would volunteer to do the driving or drop them/pick them up if they were going out so both could have a drink, did the weekly grocery shop after work (I didn't pay for it tbf) and would cook at least 3/4 nights a week (my commute was shorter than theirs most days). Not because they told me to, because that's what people do as a family, they help each other out and support each other.

Does he understand you can't medically drive, that it's not a choice? I'm assuming so. I'd be putting a stop to the insurance to be honest OP if he doesn't want to contribute to the family, the family finances aren't going to contribute to his car insurance.

Am I the only person who feels really sorry for this kid being ripped to shreds on the internet?

She's already said that she gave him £5-£10 for each of those short local lifts. Far more than the petrol would have been.

Awww poor lamb handed thousands of pounds and to selfish to do a tube favour for the woman who has gjevn him so much

Nah let's stop filling the world with awful men but nipping this in the bud when they are young.

I one said your feelings don’t matter.
but that is another example of you taking things really personally and inflating them.

You said this is the first time he has displayed selfish behaviour. You also describe a person that’s so stressed you can not have a conversation about this with him.

instead of concern, you have spent quite a while being hurt and resentful. But not actually done anything to resolve. Only now has it occurred that his exams may be playing part in him acting out of character. If this is the first time he has been selfish that suggests he is, generally, a good kid. So to jump straight to him being a brat, your feeling resentful just seems a bit odd.

and seems really harsh of you. As does the fact that you don’t mind other calling him a prick etc.

But, then in the middle of this you were going to get your adult children to speak to him. instead of doing it yourself.

To me it reads like there’s other things at play here. But your reactions, to me, do seem more on the extreme side.

How is an awful man when op says that he has never done anything like this before?

and now thinks stress of his exams might be playing a part.

if you are going to pretend that you have never acted selfishly or that other people have never interpreted your behaviour in that way, I would say you were lying.

Some men are tests so any man who isn’t perfect over 18 is fair game?

Im giving my parents a lift to the train station tomorrow. They asked me and I said yes. It’s what you do for family. They would do the same for me.

I also have an 18 year old. If I asked him to drop me off somewhere and he said no, because he couldn’t be bothered, then yes, I wouldn’t be happy about it and he would know about it.

Its not a shocker and OP could stop paying for the insurance, I don't think ANYONE is saying she should.

What I'm saying is, if the insurance is a gift, OP shouldn't then be using that as leverage to get lifts.

And if you take away the paying of the insurance, it's exactly the same situation as 'expecting' any other adult in your life to give you lifts places. That would be seen as an imposition, why isn't this?