Page 8 | DS 18 not giving lifts

Greatballsoffer · 2022-06-02T07:43:47+00:00

So I can’t drive (& never will so to learn is not an option). My son 18 does I paid for all lessons & an inheritance paid for his nice car. Does he give me lifts when I ask?? Does he heck!! I’m shocked & upset how he just says no I’m too tired, can’t be bothered or ask dad (who is working self employed locally) I’m getting very resentful & starting to do less for him! Any suggestions or pearls of wisdom to help??

lassof · 03/06/2022 13:38

5thHelena · 03/06/2022 13:02

Am I the only person who feels really sorry for this kid being ripped to shreds on the internet?

Nope, I do too.
Middle of most stressful exam period and mother has to make it all about her. Manages fine normally without lifts. Suddenly needs lifts just as he is majorly stressed out. Refusal = meltdown 'brat' reaction. Pays for driving lessons for children as she wants/expects more lifts places. Doesn't tell them this is part of the deal but refuses to see this is a gift with strings. Hopefully he's just got his head down revising, ignoring the drama llama antics.

saraclara · 03/06/2022 13:40

If someone, family or not, does something thoughtful and generous for me, I appreciate it. And it makes me want to be thoughtful back. That's pretty much how life should work, surely?

After my DH and I paid for their lessons, our kids were happy to give us lifts (and gave each other lifts) because they recalled, without us using it as leverage, that we'd spent years ferrying them around to sports clubs, to friends, and picking them and their friends up from parties ten miles away at 1am!

MJ123 · 03/06/2022 13:56

saraclara · 03/06/2022 13:40

If someone, family or not, does something thoughtful and generous for me, I appreciate it. And it makes me want to be thoughtful back. That's pretty much how life should work, surely?

After my DH and I paid for their lessons, our kids were happy to give us lifts (and gave each other lifts) because they recalled, without us using it as leverage, that we'd spent years ferrying them around to sports clubs, to friends, and picking them and their friends up from parties ten miles away at 1am!

Of course being nice is good. Forcing others to give you something because you gave them is not so nice though, surely?

I'd want my DC to offer. But I wouldn't expect them to or call them entitled and ungrateful if they didn't.

Particularly during an exam season.

Poor kid.

5thHelena · 03/06/2022 14:55

@AskingforaBaskin wow he's going to be one of the awful men is he? Because he won't give his mother a lift when she's already said he's stressed out with exams and that behaving in this way is out of character?? Jesus that's a bit of a reach don't you think?!

AskingforaBaskin · 03/06/2022 15:00

5thHelena · 03/06/2022 14:55

@AskingforaBaskin wow he's going to be one of the awful men is he? Because he won't give his mother a lift when she's already said he's stressed out with exams and that behaving in this way is out of character?? Jesus that's a bit of a reach don't you think?!

He hasn't said that.

And he has exams. Nothing that can stop him popping out for 10 mins to help out the woman running his car.

5thHelena · 03/06/2022 15:25

@AskingforaBaskin he hasn't said what?

ImAvingOops · 03/06/2022 15:49

Pmsl at the notion that giving mum a lift = carer!

And no, expecting a lift from the 18 year old who lives in your house and whose bills you pay is not the same as expecting lifts from any other adult in your life!

Wanting a bit of help is not 'making it all about her'. It's about not having to struggle when there's someone at home who could and should want to make things easier for her and being hurt that he cba.

Having exams is not a get out of jail free card to be a dick to your mum!

Original poster

Greatballsoffer · 03/06/2022 19:35

saraclara · 03/06/2022 13:40

If someone, family or not, does something thoughtful and generous for me, I appreciate it. And it makes me want to be thoughtful back. That's pretty much how life should work, surely?

After my DH and I paid for their lessons, our kids were happy to give us lifts (and gave each other lifts) because they recalled, without us using it as leverage, that we'd spent years ferrying them around to sports clubs, to friends, and picking them and their friends up from parties ten miles away at 1am!

Exactly this

OP posts:

lassof · 03/06/2022 22:59

Greatballsoffer · 03/06/2022 19:35

Exactly this

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So the logic is that you expect them to return favours? Lifts were given by parents, therefore lifts will be given by children?
Shame op can't drive then! No lifts were given by her, so none are to be expected.
Who knows? Maybe that literally is 18 year old logic.

MichelleScarn · 03/06/2022 23:10

Greatballsoffer · 03/06/2022 19:35

Exactly this

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Aah right, must remind myself to take nite of everything I do for Dc to throw at them when things don't go my way/not treated as priority.....
"Look at all I've done for you! We've spent our weekends at Stately Homes"? 🤔

saraclara · 04/06/2022 00:49

@lassof and @MichelleScarn you have both missed the point entirely. This is not about a strict quid pro quo. It's about family helping out when they can and caring enough about each other to be considerate.

Being appreciative of what someone does for you, whether it's a family member, a colleague or a neighbour, is how normal decent people feel. And when you're treated well, it feels natural to treat people well in return.

My kids appreciated us, and we appreciated it when they demonstrated that by being helpful to us when they were in a position to be.

It's really not rocket science. It's basic caring behaviour within a family. Yet so many people here seem to think that it's something that it's entirely unreasonable to expect from an 18 year old. I disagree.

saraclara · 04/06/2022 00:52

...and for the record, we never once had to say (or felt the need to say) "but we used to give you lifts/pick you up from parties/(do anything else that helpful parents do)". Because it wasn't necessary.

IDreamOfTheMoors · 04/06/2022 00:57

My parents gave me their old clunker family car when I got my license at 16.
I felt so guilty and fortunate at having a car that I found an after-school job for petrol & other odds & ends.
My parents both drove but I ended up doing a lot of errands for my grandparents. I never thought of it as a burden, though.
I just don’t understand the “attitude.”

BreadAndWater · 04/06/2022 01:04

Do nothing at all for him
No washing up
No clothes washing
No meals
Nothing !
If he questions it, say your to tired or cant be bothered

lassof · 04/06/2022 07:11

MichelleScarn · 03/06/2022 23:10

Aah right, must remind myself to take nite of everything I do for Dc to throw at them when things don't go my way/not treated as priority.....
"Look at all I've done for you! We've spent our weekends at Stately Homes"? 🤔

Show quote history

Spot on

Andromachehadabadday · 04/06/2022 07:52

BreadAndWater · 04/06/2022 01:04

Do nothing at all for him
No washing up
No clothes washing
No meals
Nothing !
If he questions it, say your to tired or cant be bothered

Or they could just have a conversation?

Why are people suggesting the op acts like a child herself, instead of actually dealing with it like an adult?

He is 18. Most 18 year olds still need their parents to show them how to resolve situations. Refusing to anything until he starts giving op lifts is not how you resolve things, when there’s not even been a conversation.

Vivi0 · 05/06/2022 13:30

Greatballsoffer · 03/06/2022 11:38

Yes I called him a brat.
Yes I'm upset & feeling resentful towards ds selfishness, because I'm hurt & my feelings matter.

Wow. You really don’t like your DS telling you no, do you?

He is absolutely entitled to say no to you and the fact that you are having such an extreme reaction to him saying no is quite telling.

You seem so fixated on your son “helping you out”. Our children are their own people with their own lives, not some kind of unpaid PA to us. It’s not his responsibility to “help you out”. If you need help, ask your husband. Stop placing inappropriate responsibility on your child.

It sounds to me like your son felt a precedent was being set with regards to driving you around and he has now put a boundary in place. Please respect it. Seems like he is 10 steps ahead of you in terms of emotional maturity.

If you keep at it, guilt tripping him, emotionally blackmailing him and using paying/not paying his insurance as some kind of leverage, you will only be pushing him away further. Don’t be surprised if your future relationship with him is not what you hoped it would be.

MissyCooperismyShero · 07/06/2022 03:01

Vivi0 · 05/06/2022 13:30

Wow. You really don’t like your DS telling you no, do you?

He is absolutely entitled to say no to you and the fact that you are having such an extreme reaction to him saying no is quite telling.

You seem so fixated on your son “helping you out”. Our children are their own people with their own lives, not some kind of unpaid PA to us. It’s not his responsibility to “help you out”. If you need help, ask your husband. Stop placing inappropriate responsibility on your child.

It sounds to me like your son felt a precedent was being set with regards to driving you around and he has now put a boundary in place. Please respect it. Seems like he is 10 steps ahead of you in terms of emotional maturity.

If you keep at it, guilt tripping him, emotionally blackmailing him and using paying/not paying his insurance as some kind of leverage, you will only be pushing him away further. Don’t be surprised if your future relationship with him is not what you hoped it would be.

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This is bullshit. He lives - a grown man- in the ops house. She is giving him god knows how much, but sees fit to reciprocate bugger all. He is absolutely biting the had that literally feeds him, which is a disgusting characteristic. Saying 'no' cuts both ways. He is relying on the ops goodwill to continue to treat him decently when he isn't prepared to reciprocate. Why are you encouraging a woman to allow herself to be treated like this? Because he's stressed about an exam poor pumpkin? If he can't pass an exam on the strength of having to drive his disabled Mum into town a couple times a month, he was never going to pass in the first place.

ImAvingOops · 07/06/2022 08:04

@Vivi0 'inappropriate responsibility' would be expecting her don to listen to her marriage woes, not drive her into town occasionally!

If my adult kids were selfish enough to happily let me financially support them, but were unwilling to help out as part of the family, I'd not be worrying too much about our future relationship, since it would likely be based on me only seeing them if doing them a favour

Redcrayons · 07/06/2022 08:54

@Vivi0 do you have teenagers? Do you ever do anything for your family to help them out?

I have children the same age and I would feel the same way as the OP if I asked them for help and they refused because they couldn’t be bothered.

Seems like he is 10 steps ahead of you in terms of emotional maturity

he can’t be bothered to take 15/20 minutes out of his day to help his disabled mother.

saraclara · 08/06/2022 08:06

It sounds to me like your son felt a precedent was being set with regards to driving you around and he has now put a boundary in place. Please respect it. Seems like he is 10 steps ahead of you in terms of emotional maturity.

As long as OP is allowed her boundaries too. Like not doing his washing, or cooking his meals. Or maybe not paying for his insurance. My kids got Saturday jobs to pay for theirs, so maybe he could do that too.