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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DS 18 not giving lifts

196 replies

Greatballsoffer · 02/06/2022 08:43

So I can’t drive (& never will so to learn is not an option). My son 18 does I paid for all lessons & an inheritance paid for his nice car.
Does he give me lifts when I ask?? Does he heck!! I’m shocked & upset how he just says no I’m too tired, can’t be bothered or ask dad (who is working self employed locally) I’m getting very resentful & starting to do less for him!
Any suggestions or pearls of wisdom to help??

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 02/06/2022 11:36

I think his behaviour is outrageous. The OP didn't have to pay for his lessons or car - both of those things are really expensive and he's at a massive advantage that he hasn't had to pay for either!

It's all very well saying he's an adult, doesn't have to etc, but the OP doesn't have to house and feed him, or pay for his bills. She does so because she loves him and they are part of a family. Allowing him to be a selfish arse is not going to do him any favours in the future. He absolutely should be helping his mum out when she asks.

I wouldn't be able to leave this - if the car is in your name then take it back. Registered keeper isn't the same as legal owner, so you may be able to take it back. In addition, if he wants the freedom without responsibility of being an independent adult, then he can be an independent adult and pay his own way/do his own chores!

Don't let your child treat you like a doormat!

ImAvingOops · 02/06/2022 11:37

X posted with you. Stop paying his insurance for a start. Or tell him this is linked to him not being a selfish arse.

saraclara · 02/06/2022 11:39

You even paid him when he DID give you a lift? FFS.

AskingforaBaskin · 02/06/2022 11:49

Greatballsoffer · 02/06/2022 11:32

We pay insurance, he bought car with grandparents inheritance.
He pays diesel from his savings from a Xmas job, but the few lifts I've had I gave £5 or £10, definitely over what his costs were.

Hahaha cheeky little fucker isn't he.

I'd be stopping that right now. Tell him with rising costs you need to prioritise the taxis you will be using.

WeAllHaveWings · 02/06/2022 11:54

Yes he's a brat, I've started to resent him as I feel he's selfish & doesn't care. This is actually the first sign of this trait in him & I it's very hurtful it's targeted at me.

Before the lessons/car was he generous with his time? Did he contribute to the housework/chores/laundry/cooking/picking up shopping for you etc

Getting a car gives teenagers a bigger sense of freedom, independence and being an adult. But if they already do not have the right attitude it just aggravates that problem.

grapewines · 02/06/2022 11:56

Greatballsoffer · 02/06/2022 11:32

We pay insurance, he bought car with grandparents inheritance.
He pays diesel from his savings from a Xmas job, but the few lifts I've had I gave £5 or £10, definitely over what his costs were.

With the updates he should help you.

Soakitup37 · 02/06/2022 12:31

I wouldn’t expect my child to give me lifts even when I’d paid for their lessons etc, I fully intend to do just that when my sons are of driving age, I’ll encourage it for their independence. if the day comes I need a lift (I do drive) I would appreciate the favour but again wouldn’t expect it, in the same way when I was younger but able to get around my father would agree to my request of a lift but more often than not said no.

The way op has worded her entire response sounds like it’s been asked in a demanding way I imagine a few “ I’ve paid for all this for you and more over the years and this is how you repay me” type conversations have happened, but aren’t the way I would try and get an 18 year old onside for a lift! Calling him a brat and reducing what she does for him around the house sounds passive aggressive! Talk to him separately from actually wanting a lift at that time- if you’re going in blazing with I want a lift now/immediate future (no) well I do everything for you I pay for everything etc…. It would get my back to too even if what she was saying was technically true.

it also sounds like a child who’s been handed everything on a plate - an adult child who has been taught to help and share support wouldn’t mind offering up lifts when asked.

she doesn’t like his attitude but I’d be looking close at where the attitude has come from. Giving lifts is a big favour, I don’t mind but being asked at any given time I’d also reserve the right to say no even if it’s just because I didn’t want to drive right now even if I wasn’t busy. Being a driver you’d understand that….

MichelleScarn · 02/06/2022 12:38

ImAvingOops · 02/06/2022 11:36

I think his behaviour is outrageous. The OP didn't have to pay for his lessons or car - both of those things are really expensive and he's at a massive advantage that he hasn't had to pay for either!

It's all very well saying he's an adult, doesn't have to etc, but the OP doesn't have to house and feed him, or pay for his bills. She does so because she loves him and they are part of a family. Allowing him to be a selfish arse is not going to do him any favours in the future. He absolutely should be helping his mum out when she asks.

I wouldn't be able to leave this - if the car is in your name then take it back. Registered keeper isn't the same as legal owner, so you may be able to take it back. In addition, if he wants the freedom without responsibility of being an independent adult, then he can be an independent adult and pay his own way/do his own chores!

Don't let your child treat you like a doormat!

But OP didn't pay for his car? an inheritance paid for his nice car.

saraclara · 02/06/2022 12:39

The way op has worded her entire response sounds like it’s been asked in a demanding way I imagine a few “ I’ve paid for all this for you and more over the years and this is how you repay me” type conversations

Where do you get that from @Soakitup37 ? I've re-read the OP's posts and all I see is

I usually walk, get public transport, taxis & lifts from dh.
I was not demanding lifts, just a 'could you quickly drop me off ...' when I knew he's wasn't busy.

He gave her four lifts (only locally) over the first three months (for which she paid him £5-£10 each time) and refused four in the second three months. Hardly excessive asking by the OP, surely? Given that OP gave up after four refusals, I'm guessing that she didn't push it or get demanding..

Triffid1 · 02/06/2022 12:40

I never understand why roles and responsibilities and expectations for children, especially young adults, aren't made clear. You're paying for his insurance so surely it should be clear that some lifts are expected? Having said that, I wouldn't be expecting him to leap up and interrupt whatever he's doing for spontaneous lifts but, for example, agreement that he'll collect you at a certain time after you've done the shopping or whatever.

what family responsibilities does he have? Washing up? Cooking? Tidying? Washing? Because if he has none, it's not entirely surprising that he doesn't think he should do lifts either .

TidyDancer · 02/06/2022 12:51

You need to stop the insurance payment. Or if you want to, offer him the choice between stopping the insurance or keeping it and giving you lifts sometimes. I'm 99% sure which option he'll choose. What horrible behaviour though, sorry OP.

AnotherForumUser · 02/06/2022 12:52

Yes he may think driving his mum is an imposition. But then I'm quite sure he'll therefore be happy to pay his own insurance. If the OP didn't pay the insurance for him she will find it easier to afford taxis.

Afterfire · 02/06/2022 12:54

How long is this going to continue for? Till he leaves home? After that? I think you’re being unreasonable. You don’t give people gifts with the expectation of getting things back in return. It would be nice if he wanted to help out but you do sound entitled.

ImAvingOops · 02/06/2022 12:56

The other thing he needs to keep in mind is that it is much easier running a car when all your other bill are covered by mum and dad. 18 year olds who get it into their heads that they are adults and owe nobody anything, can only do so when they really are living fully independently. In the meantime they are part of a family unit where everyone should be contributing.

AskingforaBaskin · 02/06/2022 13:00

Afterfire · 02/06/2022 12:54

How long is this going to continue for? Till he leaves home? After that? I think you’re being unreasonable. You don’t give people gifts with the expectation of getting things back in return. It would be nice if he wanted to help out but you do sound entitled.

Entitled is expecting someone to foot the bill for a car they aren't using

If he wants sole use of it he can solely pay for it. And good luck managing that in FT education at 18

lucyapplejuicy · 02/06/2022 13:02

You can't expect a lift whenever you want, it drives me mad when non drivers will ask for lifts or take them for granted.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 02/06/2022 13:04

Eddiesferret · 02/06/2022 09:41

If you are medically unable to drive have you looked at claiming PIP ? There are very few medical conditions that prevent you from driving especially with an adaptive vehicle through motorbility. However - if you are unlucky enough to have such a severe disability that completely precludes driving - then you could use the mobility component either towards a car that your DH could drive you around in /or keep the money towards taxis for yourself.

It's not realistic or sustainable to expect your child to be your driver but there are options .

I imagine the OP has considered all options. There are lots of very valid reasons why people don't/can't drive , 3 of my close friends can't, it's not that unusual and food luck claiming PIP as it's complete luck of the draw. Your post comes across as very patronising, I'm hoping you didn't intend it to.

Original poster
Greatballsoffer · 02/06/2022 13:09

Some responses here are literally reading way too much in to this.
I'm not demanding. I express my disappointment calmly & not in an entitled shouty way at all.

The lessons were a gift, I don't expect anything back from gifts but anyone can see an odd lift here & there to help me out is not unreasonable.

I run my house with little help from others as I like it that way. I don't ask much from anyone.. hence why I'm upset by his attitude.

OP posts:
Happierthanever91 · 02/06/2022 13:11

I understand that it would be nice for him to agree to drive you to where you need to go ect but just because you paid for his lessons doesn't mean he HAS to do anything. To say you're starting to resent him over it is a bit much, he's your Son. If it is upsetting you this much, it's definitely time to have a proper chat with him before it gets to you more

Triffid1 · 02/06/2022 13:11

The lessons were a gift, I don't expect anything back from gifts but anyone can see an odd lift here & there to help me out is not unreasonable.

These are two contradictory statements in one sentence. Either you do or don't expect lifts.

I also think expectations for care, consideration etc from 18 year olds is a bit much. It's not going to happen. You have to spell things out for them and then put up with them being a bit whiney about it.

AnotherForumUser · 02/06/2022 13:12

lucyapplejuicy · 02/06/2022 13:02

You can't expect a lift whenever you want, it drives me mad when non drivers will ask for lifts or take them for granted.

I guess a bit like it drives people mad when it's taken for granted that they'll foot the bill for a teenager's car insurance.

timeisnotaline · 02/06/2022 13:16

I run my house with little help from others as I like it that way. I don't ask much from anyone.. hence why I'm upset by his attitude.
if you’ve never taught him to contribute Im not that surprised tbh. This seems like a fortunate wake up call. Perhaps stop doing everything for him and start expecting a contribution from him? It sounds like my mil and it did my Dh no favours to be brought up expecting things to be done for him with no expectations of him.

saraclara · 02/06/2022 13:16

I also think expectations for care, consideration etc from 18 year olds is a bit much. It's not going to happen

Sorry, but that's bollocks, and an insult to the majority of 18 year olds.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 02/06/2022 13:19

saraclara · 02/06/2022 13:16

I also think expectations for care, consideration etc from 18 year olds is a bit much. It's not going to happen

Sorry, but that's bollocks, and an insult to the majority of 18 year olds.

Care?! It's a lift every now and again.

SeemsSoUnfair · 02/06/2022 13:29

Greatballsoffer · 02/06/2022 13:09

Some responses here are literally reading way too much in to this.
I'm not demanding. I express my disappointment calmly & not in an entitled shouty way at all.

The lessons were a gift, I don't expect anything back from gifts but anyone can see an odd lift here & there to help me out is not unreasonable.

I run my house with little help from others as I like it that way. I don't ask much from anyone.. hence why I'm upset by his attitude.

I run my house with little help from others as I like it that way. I don't ask much from anyone..

This may be you problem. You haven't taught him from an early age to do his bit, he hasn't learned from an early age it can feel good to help and get thanks from others, he hasn't learned from an early age it can feel satisfying to be able do things for yourself as an independent adult, so it isn't natural for him. These qualities don't appear from nowhere.

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