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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Adult son is a serial cheat

279 replies

whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 04:37

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 14/08/2020 04:46

I think you should have a good chat with dc first, and say how disappointed you are with his behaviour. Explain how he is being disrespectful to her, and end it.

Why did you separate? Did someone cheat?

Maybe suggest counselling to see if the breakup is influencing his heating? Trust /comitment issues?

Standrewsschool · 14/08/2020 04:46

Cheating not hearing!

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 04:47

I can't even imagine the disgust and disappointment you must feel. It's disgusting how your son is making you a party to his betrayals and lies, and if I were you, I wouldn't stand for it. The disrespect he is showing for you and your home is staggering. Tell his poor girlfriend. She deserves far better than this.

Greyblueeyes · 14/08/2020 04:50

Yep, I'm with @Aquamarine1029. Tell the poor girl the truth. Your son has disrespected her and you.

Finfintytint · 14/08/2020 04:50

Err.. you do nothing. If he’s a knob then it’s down to him at 28. What were you doing in a 28 year old’s bedroom? Why are boys drinking in your kitchen? Why is your son associating with children?

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 04:53

What were you doing in a 28 year old’s bedroom?

It's not his bedroom. He has his own flat. He's using his mother's house as a flop to party and shag random women. She should do nothing? Just continue to allow him to treat her and his girlfriend like rubbish? I don't think so.

Finfintytint · 14/08/2020 04:56

OP said his room.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 04:58

Maybe his old room, not his room any more. He's moved out, therefore not his room.

Finfintytint · 14/08/2020 05:03

Aha. He’s an adult. If he behaves like a knob then it’s down to him. Can’t have mummy interfering at that age. Let him reap the consequences.

nutellafortea · 14/08/2020 05:03

Perhaps he could move into his own flat, instead of bringing boys and girls to yours? He is a bit old to keep waking you at 3am... I would be addressing this issue first, it seems he does not respect your sleep.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 05:05

Perhaps he could move into his own flat

He already has his own flat, as clearly stated in the op.

longtimecomin · 14/08/2020 05:06

Talk to him, tell him how disappointed you are and that if he doesn't end things with the girlfriend you will have no choice but to tell her the truth. And change the locks so he can't use you in this disgusting way again. Youre enabling him by giving him somewhere he can carry on this behaviour. Trust now needs to be earned all over again.

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 05:10

Thank you for the comments. It's my spare room which is available if he needs to stay over. I have 2 other adult children, DS 25 and DD 21 who are both disgusted with him. He seems to not understand why my DD wants nothing to do with him.

I can't stand by this time, his gf deserves so much better than this. I've had the chat about respect many times. He seems to take pride in being able to do it and be seen by his friends to do it. And yes, his dad cheated on me with a much younger woman, who he's now married to. They have had a very rocky relationship, my son and his dad, but seem to be ok now. Ironically my sons stepmother is also disgusted with his behaviour and has refused to have him in her house for a period of time when she's been aware of his cheating. This incident this evening is small fry by comparison to an issue that occurred late last year. I can't imagine he'll ever change and I'm so ashamed of him.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2020 05:13

Don't put up with this shit any longer, op. His behaviour is reprehensible for a person of any age, never mind a 28 year old.

Finfintytint · 14/08/2020 05:14

Well , there you go. Mixed parental messages. Let him work it out for himself as an adult.

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 05:27

I’ve no intention of putting up with it, but do I tell the gf? It’s the old conundrum of telling or not telling someone that they’re being cheated on.

I don’t need to change the locks.
If I tell him he’s not welcome, he won’t come back.

Incidentally, he’s an accomplished liar, so he’ll tell me that his gf is fine with it and that it’s none of my business.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 14/08/2020 05:28

Tell the girlfriend.

Also tell your DS that he is no longer welcome in your home for any reason.

What he did tonight was massively disrespectful to you. A houseful of young men drinking while he had sex with some random woman? Under your roof? No discussion beforehand of guests? (Never mind the sex...) What he did tonight was the equivalent of leaving a fat turd in the bathtub for you to find.

You would be completely justified in telling him to find a (seedy) motel from now on if he is in the area, and that your home is off limits to him.

You need to pull rank in a very serious way. He clearly has no respect for you at all.

He will change, but you need to assert yourself and not back down.

mathanxiety · 14/08/2020 05:30

Just tell the girlfriend that you found him having sex in the spare bedroom of your own house on X night, and that she should seriously consider a STD test.

When he tells you that the GF is ok with his philandering tell him to stop insulting your intelligence. He hasn't a shred of dignity, does he?

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 05:32

@Finfintytint

Well , there you go. Mixed parental messages. Let him work it out for himself as an adult.
Do you really think I can continue to see this girl, invite her to dinner, celebrate her birthday, Xmas, chat to her happily etc when I know she's being treated like dirt? I can't behave like that, it would make me as dishonest as he is.
OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 05:34

Thank you, mathanxiety, I think that's what I have to do.

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 14/08/2020 05:34

It seems to me the person who he’d listen to on this is his father. He doesn’t seem to have much respect for you full stop, bringing all those people back to your flat in the middle of the night without checking first.

You could speak to the wider family (including your XH and his wife) and agree that you will all tell whichever girlfriend he has whenever any of you get a sniff of cheating. Mind you, he’ll probably just get more secretive.

FortunesFave · 14/08/2020 05:35

God I'd find this so difficult! I had a flatmate who was like this and he expected me to lie. I always had to pick up the pieces when they found out and came round crying.

Three times I had his 'girlfriends' on my shoulder crying. If it were my own son I'd be so sad.

I think you should tell her. Let him deal with the fallout from the holiday.

FortunesFave · 14/08/2020 05:36

Also who on EARTH does he think he is to bring 'boys' (MEN) round and let them drink in your house while he shags some girl upstairs!

He's a grown man!

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 05:44

I won't be speaking to his father about it. My sons already told me before that he'd like to see his dad try and lecture him on behaving properly. Touché.

I've had a previous gf crying here when it's happened before. New Years Eve, a few years ago. I told her then he wasn't worth her time.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2020 05:56

Yes, I’d tell his gf and inform your son you’ve done so go protect her physical health. I’d be fuming. Apart from his girlfriend, he seems to have very little respect for you or your home. - the random woman, the friends as well. He’s acting like a child.

For me, he seems to have very little respect for women in general; you included. I take it your ex cheated on you. Have you asked him if he thinks this was ok?