Adult son is a serial cheat

[whattodoforthebest2]

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

You need to start with a much clearer conversation with your son. Really spell out to him how he is damaging his own life, his relationships with his entire family and his own ability to have a successful long term marriage and relationship. Be very, painfully honest.

Then put in the boundaries and explain what you will or will not tolerate in your own home. Explain that you will literally boot them all out mid-fuck next time if he thinks he can use your house for his sordid, immoral behaviour as you find it totally unacceptable. He is your son, he is welcome. This shit, which destroyed your life at the time of your marriage ending, is not. Be explicit, be hardline. No one who is addicted to a damaging behaviour pattern changes without having severe consequences and finding those less palatable than the behaviour. So get going on implementing those and spelling them out. Don't collude, don't cover up, be hard line intolerant.

I personally wouldn't tell the gf though. I don't know why, but I struggle with this sort of interference in relationships of my adult children. I think that even if I hate what they are choosing, it is their life, their choices to make, and they need to own that without parental interference at some point, as a freedom of choice issue. You can raise all the points explicitly to him, and spell out the damage he is doing to all his family relationships but I would stay back from this. If he was married with kids it might be a different story. However, I would be open with your son that you have thought about it, and why, and explain that it would be different in said married and or kids scenario, where he might find himself rather more frozen out.

He is still your child though. I would always always retain contact, and always always allow a route back in, with clear boundaries. If (when?) He hits rock bottom and really fucks up and suddenly realises where he has brought himself, he may massively lack support and men can really struggle in these scenarios. His mates may not be there and it won't fit the Jack the lad image. Drink, drugs, suicide are all risks here. This may be a long time in the future, but you might want to remain the Mum and lifeline he can turn to if/when he decides he wants to change. I think this is probably why I would struggle to be the direct catalyst for the ending of a relationship for my child, because it would interfere with my ability to do this for them. It is a massive moral dilemma though, and he should see that this is really hard for you all.

Although you're right to be disgusted by his behaviour, I don't think that you should feel ashamed; angry and disappointed maybe, but not ashamed. Shame implies that you are (at least partly) to blame.

The way he treats these poor women is in no way a reflection on you or your parenting. You've talked to him about respect and you've brought him up in the same way as his siblings we who don't behave like this and who are also disgusted by his behaviour.

I think that you should tell his girlfriend and then cut off all contact with him. I know that would be hard because he's still your son, but not only does he have no respect for these women, he seems to have zero respect for his own mum.

What a terrible situation he’s putting you in, doing it in your house is literally rubbing your nose in it, almost as if he’s saying ‘ look how badly I behave’. He’s forcing you to acknowledge it. That comment about his dad is interesting too, he’s got no respect for him has he.

I think your son is really angry about what happened. His dad left him as well as you. That’s not your fault, you clearly suffered.

Can you talk to him, ask him to be honest with you? Ask him if he wants to be in a loving relationship, because betraying people’s trust is just going to end in constant failure. I’d certainly explain that you can’t have him staying anymore, and that makes you feel upset.

I think it's time you to tell him how ashamed you are of the man he is whilst in a relationship and how it made you feel when it happened to you. Sometimes people need to hear that about their shitty behaviour as a wake up call and as his mother and it happening in your own house, you are within your right.

He's an adult, surely he is aware of the implications? I'm sure he'll have excuses about reasons why - why it's fine to do it as he's not married, he's suffering from the fall out of his parent's relationship, etc. If he says he is conflicted about your separation, I'd suggest therapy as he's mirroring behaviour he judges his father for but has validated for his own life.

Yes, I'd also bloody tell her too!

Ironically my sons stepmother is also disgusted with his behaviour and has refused to have him in her house for a period of time when she's been aware of his cheating

Wow! She’s some kind of special.

The way your son is behaving, and his stepmothers hypocritical response re banning him, I’m actually wondering if your exH is still having affairs that your son is aware of, and stepmother is turning a blind eye to, so your son is effectively watching his father get away with affairs and showing a huge amount of disrespect to women.

I can’t be doing with lies so I’d tell her. And every one that comes after her.

Having been cheated on, it hurt massively that friends knew and didn’t tell me. Tell the girlfriend. It’s then up to her how she deals with it.

Talk to him yes, but telling him you’re ashamed and banning him, will only alienate him fro you. Tread lightly.

She should definitely be told, however, I would speak to your son and tell him he has to tell her, tell him you’ll give him so many days and if he doesn’t then you will. Why should you be the one to do his dirty work, he obviously doesn’t care about her or he would do it

I wouldn’t be impressed at being woken up by ‘boys’ in my house at 3am. I hope you chucked them all out.
Tell your son you hate this behaviour and he is not to use your house like a knocking shop.
Your ex’s wife can mind her own business.
No I wouldn’t tell the gf.

I found out my ex was cheating because I received an anonymous letter telling me about it. I've never discussed this with my children, but my son knows because he's always gone through my papers, private things, letters etc. Nothing is private in my house. That letter was the beginning of the train crash that was my divorce. But I often wonder whether I'd have preferred not to be told. In fact, I'd have preferred my ex to tell me, but in the absence of that, being told is better than how I'd have felt finding out much later on and the feelings of stupidity and deceit that would have accompanied that.

We had a very deep and useful chat last year, when another girl had contacted me about my son. She thought she was the gf and that there might be someone else on the sidelines. Sadly I had to tell her she was the one on the sidelines and was shocked to be told that she'd had a termination a few months previously. She had proof.

So my son and I talked and I suggested therapy might help him. His answer was that there was no way he could talk to a stranger about himself. I think we need to revisit that now.

Very helpful suggestions above, thank you. It's going to be difficult for me to discuss these issues, but his life is going to be one hell of a mess if no one addresses it.

The girlfriend must know he didn’t go home that night? She probably knows anyway.

The bigger issue is bringing his mates round and one random girl and sleeping with her whilst they drank.

I assume you kicked the lot of them out and told random girl he had a girlfriend?

You need to start with a much clearer conversation with your son. Really spell out to him how he is damaging his own life, his relationships with his entire family and his own ability to have a successful long term marriage and relationship. Be very, painfully honest.

I disagree.
This is a 28 year old man. He has the right to live his life as he wants to.
He isnt breaking any laws and while the OP may not condone his actions it is none of her business how he conducts his life and relationships.
She does have the right to insist that he doesn't bring back his lastest conquest to have sex in her house.

Other than that I would stay out of it.

You are probably the one person who the girlfriend will believe. I think you should tell her or you are complicit in his lie. And she needs to know to get std checked.

I’d read him the riot act and not allow him to stay overnight again.

He doesn't live with the gf, but they're off on holiday with a group of friends tomorrow.

Yes, I kicked them all out, my son came back twice, but when he eventually left I double locked the door. I didn't speak to the girl, she looked about 17.

I'd usually say he's an adult and to let him handle his own affairs (no pun intended) but this isn't his first offense. He's been talked to, by you, about this before.

You care for his girlfriend, which is reason enough to tell her, to me. Anyone that gets cheated on needs the ability to make informed decisions regarding their health and relationship.

I think you're right to tell her and to put boundaries in place with your son, ban him from your property, until he agrees to therapy.

I think therapy would help him a lot, he’s struggling with boundaries and trust as well as sabotaging his relationships. The fact that he doesn’t want to talk means he’s feeling some shame about what he’s doing, as well as all the misdirected anger.

Tell him therapists, the good ones, concentrate on what you want and need to do to live a more authentic life, it’s not about pointing out where you’ve gone wrong and judging you for it.

I’m really glad you want to help him. You can guide him in the right direction, but you’re not responsible for him, only he is. Look after yourself as well.

The fact that he doesn’t want to talk means he’s feeling some shame about what he’s doing,

Or maybe he doesn't think it's any of his Mummy's business.

Your son is a disrespectful fucking man child & I would be having serious words. I mean who at the age of 28 takes a load of mates back to their parents for an after party drinking session never mind him shagging the random in his bed. .... and doing all this disrespectful behaviour when you are in bed in your own home! He has no respect for you or his Many GF's. I would be absolutely livid with him, and ashamed of him to say the least. Why does he think that you are a walkover & this behaviour is ok to do right under your roof?

I would be telling the grown up man child that he wasn't welcome there any more!

His complete lack of respect is alarming OP.

Tosser ✊🏻

I mean who at the age of 28 takes a load of mates back to their parents for an after party drinking session never mind him shagging the random in his bed. .... and doing all this disrespectful behaviour when you are in bed in your own home!

I agree- but perhaps he has had friends back at the OP's before.
What were the rules? Are the friends generally welcome at the OPs house without prior notice?

Please don't tell his girlfriend without telling him first
I'd be tempted to talk to him and just tell him what you observe about his behaviour. Does he seem happy? Say he doesn't seem that happy to you.

If he insists he is fine then tell him that sleeping with lots of people is fine (if done safely) but it isn't fine to cheat and that you will be telling his girlfriend. Tell him he is always welcome and you love him., that he can talk to you if he's wants to but you cannot stand by and watch him treat a woman like that

You don't need to be disgusted with him . It is possible.to set boundaries for behaviour you will accept without making it about how.much you dislike him or are disappointed in him

I think my action plan would to be have a chat with him and explain how he needs to tell her. If you do it for him, it's easy for him.

I think as hes an adult theres not a lot you can do on terms of lecturing him about his behaviour. Some guys are dicks, and unfortunately hes one of them.

If he has a long history of this though you should tell hik you will he no longer socialising or getting to know any of his girlfriends. No dinners out, no bringing to family parties etc. So you dont have to go through getting to know them and finding out how badly hes treating them.

And yes, defo tell this girlfriend about what you've seen tonight.

He goes through all your private papers and letters !!
In some ways him being unfaithful to girlfriends is not your business.
But going through your personal stuff ? Wow!! Time to draw some boundaries.

Wow, he's just completely screwed up, isn't he?

Goes through your paperwork/personal stuff, screws girls upstairs whilst his mates are drinking downstairs.

Has he now boundaries?