Adult son is a serial cheat

[whattodoforthebest2]

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

How do I know his finances now? He was on £250k + £50k annual bonus when we split. He's on the board now. I don't need to know the figures to hear about the lifestyle.

@newbie222 I think we are at cross purposes and we go agree on a lot. Eg that therapy isn't going to work and how manipulative her DS is.

It was this
Reading between the lines I’d say you came out of that divorce with a hefty settlement that you ex now deems unfair? Could it be that has also contributed to the fact he doesn’t want to have anything to do with you and the children have also made their own opinion of that? You mentioned your house was very large that people could get lost finding the toilet. Divorce settlements and who gets what will always impact the older children. They will work out in their mind what is fair etc. If you seem to be living a good life whilst their father is still working for example that isn’t going to sit well with them.

I think that's a stretch given that the ex is what he is. It's unlikely that she's going to get an unfair settlement where he is left living in a bedsit. He's married again and made his choices to not be cooperative- the children can't look at this and decide that it's unfair that he didn't get screwed over. After all they lived with her mostly so he was supporting ALL of them.

Living in a big house doesn't mean that you have gone that at your exes expense. If the pie was bigger to start with then it's what happens.

Sorry I meant unfair that SHE didn't get screwed over.

@whattodoforthebest2 great stuff. I get it, and I think you are 100% right. You shouldn't have to justify why you are not living in penury (though mumsnet likes a bit of saintly poverty as a rule).

His arrogant crack in front of the judge clearly did him no favours. That's the thing about these people and such a massive give away of ASPD. They just can't help themselves, they have to go too far and boast/act like a dick. They think they are invincible. This is what always catches them out. Very different from a narcissist who can usually keep the gloating under wraps and is too caught up in 'poor me' to do too much anyway.

Anyway like father like son. Don't give away any more money - you don't know what the future holds and you will need it for your own life.

Boasting? You mean like telling you newly ex-wife at a rugby match (the first event we attended together after the split) that all his friends were green with envy at him having his (younger, model-type) gf? That kind of boasting?

@whattodoforthebest2 Haha yeah, that kind of boasting. They just cant help themselves. I bet its been an absolute nightmare for you. Glad the children know the situation now - they see his behaviour & probably havent been able to square it with what they have been told.

Two out of three good kids is pretty good going in the circumstances. The third, well, there wasnt much you could do about that.

As for the new wife - you have to feel almost sorry for her really. Shes probably realising what kind of man he is but having invested so much isnt willing to leave. Another reason why your children/DD needed to know the truth - being told she was her 'best friend' cant be easy. Youve made enough sacrifices - no more. Its time to start living for you & that means no more lies to protect anyone.

Its time to be truthful & to think about what is best for YOU. You are more than 'just' a mum & you deserve a happy, supportive relationship. Something to show the kids how its done.

Something to show the kids how its done.

Oh believe me, I've been trying - Christ, there are a lot of arseholes out there.

Looks, sex and emotional maturity - I can find any 2 out of 3 any day of the week, it's the rest...

Haha so true OP! Is it too much to ask that they be ok to look at, ok in bed, have some kind of decent job, & not be a total dick? Apparently not!

She has chosen to believe whatever he has told her

As you will know, they are very, very believable when they lie. I unfortunately didn't learn until after my relationship with my ex was over just how much he had lied to me. I'm sure the GF will learn in due course, it's just a shame she has given him the benefit of the doubt meantime.

@Vodkacranberryplease I have only just seen your posts and am only taking issue because there will be other people reading this in similar situations. You are oversimplifying and making assumptions and making generalisations. You have not studied PDs, you have no professional qualifications no professional experience.

Because actually That has happened. He thinks he's doing nothing wrong and isn't going anywhere near a therapist where does anyone say this? Have you any idea what it is like to grow up in a home with a father who behaves like his father does? Don't write people off.

And if you knew anything you should be able to have a debate/argument without making things personal
you would know that getting certain PDs into therapy is a bad idea as they use it to become even more manipulative he is not yet diagnosed as PD and you don't know what kind of therapy or treatment would be recommended for him. What you are in fact referring to here is that couples therapy isn't recommended where one partner has a PD, so there is a distinction right away as the OP is talking about getting help for her son not couples therapy.
If the OPs wonderful upbringing was going to have a positive effect... children can be affected by negative things even if the parenting was wonderful. No disrespect here or assumptions either way, but we know nothing about the parenting because the OP hasn't said. She has two other children with very sound moral compasses again, siblings can have different experiences when growing up and if the experiences are at certain ages they will have had different affects.

So you actually think therapy can fix this? Really? I think he could be helped (really) but it would depend on many things, none of which we know about. So the advice from me is for the OP to investigate and do what she can.
PDs absolutely can be and are heritable. The end can you link your peer reviewed not challenged authority for this? A baby's brain is about 20 percent wired up at birth and 80 percent at 3 so what happens in the first few years of a baby's life is going to have a huge impact. genetics can be and often are in practice not the dominant factor and it is all still hotly debated. I am not saying that what is inherited isn't going to be significant because I think it would be. But the people who work in this area day in day out will tell you that the right help in childhood is very effective and can be for an adult.

There's only so much one parent can do when some of his time is sent with the PD parent who he also sees as having more power and money it is really hard if that is the case, but i think your idea that most mothers wash their hands of it or admit defeat is wrong. i think many mothers will have proven you wrong too. if this has been your personal experience then I am sorry.

Sometimes it's ok. Sometimes it isn't that is a start.
not everything can be changed by fucking therapy I didn't say it could.

Sorry about the derail OP.

The girlfriend forgave him? Not surprising really but means he not been taught a lesson...he got away with it again.

Least morally you can feel sound OP.

He sounds like a man that would only chose victim type women as girlfriends. He would never take the risk of choosing someone that would out his true character or stand up to him.

There isn't one type of woman who is vulnerable to being cheated on, manipulated or gaslighted.

No, there isn't, but I would agree that a number of his GFs have been in difficult situations (ill parent, family issues etc) and so they rely on him more than others might.

I have often thought that meeting a strong, older woman who was able to challenge him intellectually, career-wise etc would do him good, but I don't think he'd go for that sort of person. He likes to think of himself as the white knight. He's told me of several occasions where he's stepped in to an argument/fight between a couple to protect the woman. He's able to 'handle himself' in those situations and enjoys that kind of scenario.

You know he's blowing smoke up your arse with all those stories, right, @whattodoforthebest2?

He's a legend in his own mind.

Don't give up on the GF yet.

Actually I believe him. I've seen him in a disagreement (read: fight) on a rugby pitch, he's stacked and doesn't hesitate to retaliate if anyone starts anything, so that scenario would be right up his street. He also doesn't back down if someone starts on him.

His professional career and his sporting career are impressive tbh, so he has made a name for himself, which fits the definition too. He's even done modelling. He's good at whatever he puts his mind to. He has stacks of press articles, photos etc about himself. So from the outside, he appears to be God's gift. Sad eh?

Don't give up on the gf? I am inclined to, I follow them both on IG and am tempted to unfollow and block now. He must be proud of himself and I don't want to see any of it any more. I really have nothing left to say to either of them. Of course I feel immensely sorry for the gf, but this was her opportunity to stand up to him. She's got a large and close-knit family who are there for her when she needs support. I know from experience that when the shit does eventually hit the fan, she'll be too embarrassed to talk to me about it because I warned her this time and she carried on. I've seen all this too many times.

Every girl thinks they're going to be the one to change things, that they're something special and that just raises the bar for him.

@whattodoforthebest2 unfortunately you are right. So many women, especially the younger ones, are prone to 'because I'm worth it' syndrome. She's probably a good looking girl used to praise and attention and she wants to think she's the special one that will change him.

You are 'bitter' and 'old' and 'don't understand how special they both are'. Cest la vie. Unfollow - you did your best and IG is a pain anyway. She will come crashing to earth eventually and seek solace in her own family. In the meantime dis engage. Not sure why someone with such a dazzling career needs to borrow money and use your place but that stops as of now, it's just more of his BS. Don't be a part of his game.

For someone so good looking, amazing sportsman great job etc I bet he finds it quite hard to hold onto real friends hence you not recognising any of those people at your house that fateful night. He has probably convinced himself he is more popular than he actually is. And I agree with @Vodkacranberryplease - if he has such a great career why is he borrowing money and bringing back friends to his mothers house like a 16 year old?

Yes, that's true, he doesn't have very many close friends at all. He makes a lot of new friends, who, judging by the reaction to me the other evening, aren't impressed by his behaviour either. He doesn't understand why his siblings don't want to socialise with him, nor do his cousins - he makes an effort to get on with them every now and then, and then reverts to self, so they make little effort now.

He spends beyond his means (gambling & designer labels) and as he's moved out of the area, sometimes comes back here to socialise as he knows a lot of people locally.

Yep. Sorry but he's a grade a twat. A chip off the old block indeed. Enabling, helping and supporting him won't work. And will make you unhappy and poor and allow more abuse in. Sorry I know that sounds ruthless but I think you already realise this anyway.

OP, you are so invested in your son's personal life, but what about your life? Your interests, your friends, your personality? All you have done is write about your very indulged son and your concern for him, and your ex. Are these men really so important that they eclipse all else in your life? And why on earth do you follow your son's girlfriend on Instagram anyway?

As for your son, the lack of long term friends, the excelling at sport and a bit of modelling, the stepping into fights, all indicate "shallow effect" - the shallow feeling of emotions which should be strong. Those things are all about getting people to admire him for a short time, rather than being a long term, loyal and consistent person.

None of them can be fixed, that is him now and he will continue to sow misery as he goes about his world. You really need to detach.

He's a rotten apple.

He's a grown man and that's how he's going to treat women i'd disown him. That's not what you brought him up to be.

IncandescentSilver - thank you for your concern about my wellbeing, but my original question was asking for opinions about how to proceed re my son's behaviour. This developed into a discussion about his upbringing, my divorce and his father's behaviour. I've answered questions as they've arisen. I'm not asking for help or opinions about the rest of my life or my interests. They're fine, I have plenty going on and I'm really not inclined to debate my whole life online. Maybe that goes against the grain here. And yes, my son is very important to me, that won't change. He very often behaves like an idiot and there isn't much I can do about that. I'm still him mum, his behaviour concerns me and that's why I asked for help here. I got it and it was very valuable. That's good enough for me.