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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Adult son is a serial cheat

279 replies

whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 04:37

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

OP posts:
FinnyStory · 14/08/2020 07:27

Oh wow, this must be so hard for you.

I don't think I could cut contact but I'd certainly be confiscating his key. Asking to stay over then bringing a load of mates back isn't on even without the young woman. Isn't it really odd to do that and then disappear upstairs for sex? It almost sounds like one of those sordid parties you hear of footballers getting up to, I worry for that girl as well, especially if she was so young.

And going through your papers?! I'd say welcome for a visit but not to freely come and go.

I think you have to tell the gf, so she can have STI test.

And have another go at encouraging counselling, it does sound like there's enough in his history to have led to some of these behaviours, although that's not likely to help until he decides he needs to change things, you can but try.

Going forward, if he becomes more of a "visitor" perhaps you'll be less involved/aware which won't stop it but at least you won't be in these kinds of positions.

Jayaywhynot · 14/08/2020 07:29

I think you're on a hiding to nothing if you tell his GF.
You risk your relationship with your son.
However, I would make it very clear that he cant bring ransoms to your house for sex.
I also doubt very much if you will be able to get your adult son to go to therapy.
He's been getting away with cheating and he's probably not going to stop.
Let's face it we see enough woman on MN married to men who cheat on their wives let alone girlfriends.
Personally I'd stay out of it, talk to your son and set some ground rules for your house.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 14/08/2020 07:30

The son thinks what he is doing is OK.
HE is not ashamed.
He's 28 and does not need a lecture, he knows what he does and enjoys it.
He needs to stand by / own his behaviour.
So he won't mind people talking about it, so tell the GF. She needs to protect her health.
(I have an almost adult son and I tried to imagine what I'd do ....)

Dozer · 14/08/2020 07:31

All this ‘girls’ and ‘boys’: these are men and women in their late 20s!

Would tell your DS’s GF about his behaviour that night, and before their holiday. For her health and so she can make informed decisions about her life. Would expect backlash from DS.

Would be cordial to future girlfriends but have distance and firm ‘boundaries’. Wouldn’t maintain contact with adult DCs’ (unless it was a very long term relationship and/or GC).

Other than expressing disappointment etc about his treatment of you when he visited and of this girlfriend, wouldn’t offer unsolicited advice, eg suggesting therapy. Your DS is an adult and should he want to do so he could do X, Y and Z himself.

Dozer · 14/08/2020 07:34

Yes, telling the GF would almost certainly damage your relationship with DS.

ddl1 · 14/08/2020 07:37

I am not sure that you should intrude directly into the relationship, by telling the gf unless you know her very well. However, I think that you should tell your son that you know about it, and are disappointed, and that until he shapes up, your spare bedroom (don't call it his room; he's an adult with his own flat) is no longer available, as you cannot collude in his cheating by allowing your home to be used for this purpose. And his bringing his mates to drink all night in your kitchen and living room, presumably without prior agreement, would have been bad enough on its own!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/08/2020 07:40

I found out my ex was cheating because I received an anonymous letter telling me about it. I've never discussed this with my children, but my son knows because he's always gone through my papers, private things, letters etc. Nothing is private in my house.

TBH even if he wasn't bringing random women back to sh*g in my home, and filling my kitchen full of drunken louts I didn't know and wouldn't want in my home, this would be a deal-breaker for me.

How DARE he read your private correspondence?

All of his selfish, disrespectful, downright rude behaviour would add up to me taking the key off him (if he has one) and telling him he wasn't welcome to stay. Yes - he would still be invited for family meals etc, where you could keep an eye on his behaviour (which is outrageous!) - I wouldn't, at tis point cut all contact, but no way would I let him treat my home like this.

My heart aches for you OP - he's your son, and you love him, but he's really behaving badly. The STD warning to his GF, mentioned above is an excellent suggestion, but I don't envy you having to approach the situation.

timeisnotaline · 14/08/2020 07:44

If it was was in my house, of course I’d tell the girlfriend. He’s made it my business. That is definitely a boundary you can set. If you ever walk in on this again he can grab his things, girl and leave at 2am, there will be no treating his lovely girlfriends like trash under your roof and sleeping with randoms is most definitely doing that.

Honestly I’d be a bit cooler with future gfs and tell him she seems lovely but I assume you’re cheating on her so I don’t want to get attached and watch her get hurt.

timeisnotaline · 14/08/2020 07:45

Oh and yes to taking his key, and welcome for prearranged dinners and events only, where he may not go through your things. He has a place of his own, you aren’t making him homeless just defining some boundaries!

Savingshoes · 14/08/2020 07:45

" At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking... have 2 other adult children, DS 25 and DD 21 who are both disgusted with him"
I think you might have a bigger problem tbh. An adult male left several drunk adult males in your home downstairs to entertain themselves whilst you and your family slept upstairs. Imagine if one of them had tried to find the toilet and wondered into 21DD room? Or yours?
Your son shows little respect for your family's welfare or his GF happiness.
I would change the locks, tell him he's only welcome in your home during the day when your 25DS is home and for a max of an hour or two, otherwise meeting up is done at his flat.
I would then give him an ultimatum; he has a fortnight to come clean or you will be telling the GF. Explain it would be more fair on everyone, including his drunk friends and your other adult children if it came from him and suggest he apologises to all of the above for involving them in his seedy affair too.

Porridgeoat · 14/08/2020 07:46

Tell him he has to tell her or you will. Give him 36 hours to do it. It would be different if you didn’t know her but you do and you clearly care for her. Talk to her next week and say what you’ve said here and how highly you think of her and how ashamed of ds you are

GisAFag · 14/08/2020 07:47

Its his life. The reasons for his behaviour may be embedded in his childhood but he's an adult. Maybe suggest counselling to him but alart from that you and the family have no right to tell him what he should and should not be doing

Porridgeoat · 14/08/2020 07:47

Yes I would tell him no mates in the house until he’s matured into a grown up

Anydreamwilldo12 · 14/08/2020 07:48

He has absolutely no respect for Women and absolutely no respect for you.

Going through your personal papers is bloody disgusting. You have been far too soft with him.

Tell him he needs to tell the gf today and if he doesn't you will. Im sorry OP but your son sounds horrible.

ChikiTIKI · 14/08/2020 07:50

I would want to know before the holiday tbh. Save her the humiliation of spending a holiday with people who all know what he has done.

Porridgeoat · 14/08/2020 07:51

To avoid cheating he just needs to end one relationship before beginning the next. Is it worth talking with him about how to do that sort of thing respectfully and kindly.

Porridgeoat · 14/08/2020 07:52

After holiday better

thecatsthecats · 14/08/2020 07:52

@Dozer

Yes, telling the GF would almost certainly damage your relationship with DS.
But it's being damaged now by him asking her to effectively lie to him by playing happy families with the girlfriend.

I hate it when people advise 'don't make a fuss' when it essentially means that the person who is actually CAUSING the fuss by their bad behaviour gets away scot free.

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 07:53

Yes, my relationship with him may be damaged, but I'm the best chance he's got. No one else in the family wants to have anything to do with him because they know what he's like. I haven't mentioned all the lying and stealing that's gone on, as that's nothing to do with the current situation. I think we'll repair it whatever happens, but I can't let this gf carry on thinking they are all good and playing happy couples.

I havent minded friends coming over for drinks in the past, when they lived at home I've encouraged them to and have always liked his friends. But this was a text at 2am telling me they were downstairs and wouldn't be staying long. I've just cleared up all the bottles, they were in for a night of it.

Taking his key is a good idea. I'll keep the lines of communication open, but the gf needs to be told.

OP posts:
Willthisallblowover · 14/08/2020 07:55

If I were in your position, I would have told his mates and the girl to leave the house immediately, I wouldn’t have cared if I had embarrassed my son. I would have him up first thing in the morning reading the riot act. How dare he disrespect you and your home by doing this, how dare he disrespect your intelligence by cheating under your roof when you know his girl friend. He has NO respect for women you included.

Going through your personal things OMG this is just unbelievable.

Get him up, get him out his bed and talk to him and I’m sorry but I know other posters have said don’t tell his girlfriend, I would I couldn’t possibly sit back and watch him deliberately hurt someone and be so disrespectful to another human being.

I’m so angry on your behalf that he behaves this way.

nothh · 14/08/2020 07:57

Tell her. It’s terrible his friends all know and she doesn’t. I’d appreciate someone’s mum telling me over knowing and saying nothing.

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 07:57

Someone did walk into my daughters room, looking for the toilet.

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 14/08/2020 07:58

I think I'd tell the GF as I could not be complicit in his deceit. He brought his cheating to your house so he has to deal with the consequences.

Porridgeoat · 14/08/2020 07:59

He needs to see a therapist. Has he no guilt or remorse for any of his cheating and stealing

Dozer · 14/08/2020 08:00

True, thecatsthecats.

OP, as you’ve decided to tell your DS’s GF, tell her now so she doesn’t have to have shitty feelings about their holiday having been a lie.

You’re not a ‘chance’ for your DS. You can’t rescue him. There’s no “we’ll” repair it. This is HIS behaviour and life and down to him. You can offer company, kindness etc, with boundaries (eg access to your home). Also wouldn’t get involved in issues between him and others in your family.