Adult son is a serial cheat

[whattodoforthebest2]

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

I wouldn’t be allowing him to use the spare room or your house, tell him if he wants to have a party or cheat on his girlfriend it won’t be happening in your house. He is an adult so he can make his own choices when it comes to relationships but make it clear that you want nothing to do with it.

Maybe talk to him and ask him if he cares about what he’s doing to his gf? I’m sure he is aware of the hurt it caused when his father cheated on his mother, why would he want to cause that hurt to his gf? Does he think he won’t be caught out? Has he got no self respect sleeping around?

I always wondered who the mothers of these type of men were!

You should warn every woman he starts dating. Save a lot of hurt and confusion, and your son won’t stand a chance and can remain single forever.

Iwonder08 - have you read TDMN’s post above? That’s why.

I think as he's an adult and you've talked to him about this before you don't need to get into it all again apart from to let him know your disapproval and any new boundaries he needs to be aware of in your home.
I definitely think you need to tell his girlfriend and you need to do it before they could possibly be sexually intimate again as a way to protect her health.
I think you should tell your son you are doing this to ram home the point that cheating is risking the physical health of the other women he is sleeping with without their knowledge or consent.
STIs can be serious, leave people infertile or worse. His previous partner who had to have a termination went through a scary and emotionally difficult procedure that isn't without risks that would never affect him because of his actions.
This is the line I would take whether I was the Mum or say a flatmate or friend in this situation so I don't agree it's 'Mummy interfering'.
It's like someone injecting with a needle they assume is sterile when someone has actually just used it on someone else and not told them. It's dangerous.
You could be saving his girlfriend from physical harm.
It's not impinging on your DS's 'freedom'. He can do as he pleases. So can you in response to those choices. And his girlfriend should be given the same opportunity to make whatever choice she feels best.

@popcornlover

I always wondered who the mothers of these type of men were!

I’m sure it can happen to anyone but I’m guessing there’s a higher chance if there history of a parent cheating . I know a guy who is a serial cheat, his father cheated on his mother when he was around 15 years old too, he’s been married, had children with several women and continues to cheat. I don’t really understand how someone who knows the hurt it can cause can do this to someone else but it happens a lot.

You definitely need to say something. Imagine he decides to lock in the current long term sex and you're stood there on their wedding day whilst she beams about how in live she is, or her passing you the grandchild she's borne. Or crying on your shoulder that she's infertile because of an std she didn't know she had caught.

You should tell her

Also you HAVE to, so she can take tests for her health

whattodoforthebest2,
Ask yourself, if you were in your son's girlfriend's shoes (and you have said you have been there), would you want someone to tell you?
I am quite sure your answer to that would be yes, and I can say that if I was in your current situation right now, I would have no hesitation in telling the gf.

I always wondered who the mothers of these type of men were!

I think that's very unfair. Young men often push boundaries and behave very badly at this age, stealing, sleeping around and so on.
I brought my son up as a single parent to be respectful, good to women and to always pull his weight.
But he went through a ew years in his 20's where he behaved like an absolute twat.
I got the big guns out and gave him a bit of very tough love, at one stage (he was living with me) he stormed out of the house and I didn't see or hear from him for 6 months.
I did not back down, when he got in contact with me again I laid out what I would and would not accept in my home and things have run smoothly ever since.
Well done for chucking them all out OP. I missed that bit.

JadesRollerDisco - I’ve been told he does coke. This goes way outside anything I have any understanding of.

I'm not sure I would tell the girlfriend. I would just not allow him to bring friends over or use your home after nights out.

I’ve thrown him out on two occasions in the past when he was living with me. Once he stayed at a friends for 4 nights (he didn’t know I knew where he was and that he was fine). On the other occasion he went to his dads and stayed for around 6 months until the fireworks became unbearable. Then I allowed him to come home, with stricter rules.

‘ I think that's very unfair. Young men often push boundaries and behave very badly at this age, stealing, sleeping around and so on. ’

Do they?

Op, I wouldn’t get involved as you’ll damage your relationship with your son and it sounds like he needs you, rather than to be pushed into this behaviour even further.
You need to tell him to tell her though, for her own well-being.

I don't think you should tell the gf. It's not your business. Keep it between you and your son. Telling the gf will further damage your relationship with your son. It would be a huge breach of trust. I'm not condoning what he's done. I did plenty of stupid things when I was young but if my mum had betrayed me like that I would never have forgiven her.

Personally I think you should stay out of it BUT I think you should make him aware of how unfair it is to you to put you in that position.

His relationship with women and his relationship with his mother are two different things.

@MissTopportunity 28 isn't that young, he's an adult treating someone horribly and acting like a not very nice person.

But that's his responsibility not his mum's.

@whattodoforthebest2 I think you need to harass your son to tell his gf and ask him to tell her she can call you after he has told her. I also think that you need to join forces with ex to join forces to deal with/help your son. I really want to know though - surely this behaviour started when he was still a child? When he was a teenager or even before, lying, treating people unkindly or without respect, being unfaithful to gf - did you do anything back then? Did you talk to him a lot, get him any kind of psych help? On the basis that boys are hard wired to copy the behaviour of the men in their lives, which apparently is right, unless prodded in a different direction, what did you do to counteract the father's influence? This isn't blaming, I just want to know as I have sons who are not yet teenagers and I am wondering if all my prodding in a different direction is going to work.

Your ds is potentially wrecking the lives of women but he is also wrecking his own chance of being close to someone too. Every thing he is doing is basically to avoid any kind of intimacy or connection with any other human being.

I know lots of professionals who do coke who aren't unfaithful by the way. If drug taking has gone too far it would be affecting his job.

Also, the vast majority of men I used to know when younger behaved exactly like your son. He isn't the odd one out he is typical, ime.

There is no trust when someone is so disrespectful to his family. He crossed a line doing this in your home and he needs to feel the effect of that.

So yes tell the girlfriend and tell him he wont expose you to that again. See him now to get your key back, no warning so he cant get another cut.

Ignore the posters telling you not to tell the gf. You've had one woman contact you about a termination she had so he's not practising safe sex there, he could be passing on STDs which could be life changing not to meantion if she got pregnant. At this rate he will have multiple women pregnant atleast by telling the gf youre giving her a fighting chance to make an informed decision what she does next. He has effectively brought you in it by trying to use youre house as a knocking shop especially when you have a dd who lives there and he brought numberous drunk men into youre home.

You're a good person OP.

I agree with the pp who said that you must tell the GF if only so she can get herself tested for STDs.

I’d tell him to end it or you will tell her. In order not to ruin her holiday, either he doesn’t go or tells her when they get back otherwise the whole trip could be a nightmare for the group.

and hell no to turning up at your house with a crowd to drink through the night. he’s still your child but not A child, he’s plenty old enough for your relationship to adjust accordingly.

For fucks sake, I can't believe the replies that are handwringing telling you to put up with his shit or you might alienate him. so fucking what? He fucks off until he learns a bit of respect for his mother and sister and finds somewhere else to shag young girls. It might actually teach him something.
Take his key, and tell him that he's no longer welcome in your home until he learns a bit of respect. He'll get offended enough to not bring the girlfriend around for cosy family dinners, and if she asks why you fell out, you just say "you need to ask Dave that. And prepare for a lengthy fall out while he's outraged that a woman actually has, for once in his pathetic life, called him on his shit and put down boundaries and rules.

I've a cousin who's son has broken her heart. He treats her with utter contempt and humiliates her in front of the wider family. Why? Because she lets him. She will overlook any behaviour in order to keep him from falling out with her.

Hi OP

Just to say, I have been that girlfriend, my boyfriend's mum phoned me to say that my boyfriend had slept with a girl the night before. It was shocking and I was hurt obviously but I was always so, so grateful to her for allowing me that freedom to end it with him and move on with my life knowing what he had done. I don't know what happened between the boyfriend and his mum as I never saw them again, I imagine things were difficult between them for a while but I'm so glad she put my welfare before that of her son's in this instance.

You are not responsible for his shitty decisions, he's an adult. It's possible he is acting from deep rooted hurt following his father's behaviour, but he needs to address that for himself.