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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Adult son is a serial cheat

279 replies

whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 04:37

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

OP posts:
Newbracelet · 14/08/2020 08:00

Tell his partner and recommend STI testing.
Start protecting yourself from him. He's an awful man. Change your lock or take his key. Meet him outside your home in a public place. He's your son but you can't change his behaviour. Only he can do that. You can only set boundaries for how you're willing to be treated and protect yourself.

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 08:01

I did throw them all out, including him, at 3.45am. I've since texted him to say he needs to tell his gf what's happened today, because I'll be speaking to her anyway.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/08/2020 08:04

Was your dd was at home in bed when the person walked in her room? Or has she moved out?

HollowTalk · 14/08/2020 08:09

It is shocking that he is treating you so badly. I agree with you that you should tell his girlfriend. I wonder whether the 17-year-old felt she was out of her depth as well. As for him going through your private papers, that is really appalling.

imapenguin · 14/08/2020 08:09

Or maybe he doesn't think it's any of his Mummy's business.

Shouldn't have his affairs in mummy's house then.

MoreListeningLessChatting · 14/08/2020 08:10

Tell the girl so she can find someone who deserves her.

Stop enabling your adult son - don't let him stay over when he goes out drinking with mates. Tell him to use his own place for his shagging

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 08:10

She was in bed asleep here, in the room next to mine.

OP posts:
LadyFrumpington · 14/08/2020 08:12

I would tell the girlfriend. Actions have consequences by allowinbg her to stay with him you are conplicit in robbing her of a happy future and possibly children depending on her age and fertility levels.

MadeForThis · 14/08/2020 08:14

He doesn't have any respect for any women in his life.

nancyjuice7 · 14/08/2020 08:16

I would tell her.

I would also be telling my son that he is never to stay here again unless he is alone and be furious with him.

If he had done this at his own flat, you couldn't have gotten involved but the fact he has done it at your house is disrespectful to you and also is making you complicit in his cheating.

Suggest he gets some counselling for his behaviour

romdowa · 14/08/2020 08:19

I would tell the girlfriend before the holiday. Your son made his cheating your business by doing it in your home. His girlfriend deserves to know.

hammie46i · 14/08/2020 08:20

I'd tell the girlfriend because otherwise you're complicit in his lies.

Bornlazy · 14/08/2020 08:22

I'm sorry OP but that sounds really dodgy. A girl who looks about 17 going back to a house with a load of men who are all about 10 years older than her and having sex with one of them would sound alarm bells for me. She was in a very vulnerable situation and your son should never have put her in it. Id be more worried about that aspect of the situation than the telling his girlfriend to be honest.

Beautiful3 · 14/08/2020 08:22

He hasn't learned to face any consequences of his actions. You should show him it's not acceptable by telling his girlfriend. That way he will know not to sleep around, in front of you!

Palavah · 14/08/2020 08:24

This gets worse and worse!

He's going through your stuff, inviting his mates round for an after-party and leaving you to clean up, one of them walking into your daughter's room - do you believe it was accidental if they're old friends who've been round before, bringing back a 17 year old.

Yes he's an adult who can make his own choices, doesn't mean you have to let him do whatever he likes in his own house and hang the consequences. You are an adult and if you want to tell the GF, then do.

If not now, then when? When GF announces she's pregnant? When they get engaged? When she's invited you to help shop for a wedding dress? When she comes to you crying? When you have the angry parent of a 17 year old on your doorstep?

OrlandoInTheWilderness · 14/08/2020 08:25

Please tell her. Having been cheated on I really wish someone, anyone, would've told me. It would maybe have lessened the humiliation I felt when I finally found out.

Taylrse · 14/08/2020 08:26

His behaviour is disgraceful. He needs to learn he can't treat people/women like that.

If I were the gf I would definitely want to know. I would feel even more betrayed finding out later down the line that his mother knew and didn't tell me.

AlternativePerspective · 14/08/2020 08:27

I don’t believe that most people would tel the girlfriend and neither do I think the OP should.

It’s one thing to say that she knows about his affairs and that he’s free to do with his life as he chooses but it won’t be happening on her watch, but it’s quite another to get involved in his relationship and be the one who tells this girl. It’s not the OP’s place to do that. He’s a grown man, and he has to be responsible for his own actions.

Aside from which he’s already cheated on this woman once, got a girl pregnant who had a termination and she’s seemingly taken him back, so she’s well aware of what he’s capable of and is choosing to stay regardless.

Also, the MIL telling the girlfriend that she knows her BF is cheating because he was doing it in her house isn’t going to come across as helpful/caring, if I were the GF and my MIL informed me that my DP was using her house to conduct his affairs I would feel she was rubbing my nose in it by smugly telling me she knew something I didn’t know, not only that, that she had provided the means for it to happen.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 14/08/2020 08:30

You sound lovely. How disappointing. I wouldn’t let him in the house to stay and I would make it clear how disgusted I was.

Cattermole · 14/08/2020 08:31

Does he have a mental health disorder of some kind?

That's not trying to excuse or justify him by the way. My ex used to claim (smugly) that he was abusive towards me because he was a psychopath when in fact he was just a dickhead. However.

He just doesn't seem to acknowledge other people in any way, and you've given so many examples of him doing it, not only with his GFs but with his family as well, I just wonder if there's more to it than him just being a knob.

EssentialHummus · 14/08/2020 08:31

You need to stop tiptoeing around him OP - are you scared of him? Would you invite randoms back home to a parent’s house when you were his age? Have a ONS? Leave bottles everywhere? Steal? Rifle through private papers? Cheat? No? Then why put up with it? Tell him that for the moment he’s not welcome as he’s not treating you or your home with respect, and he can either tell his GF what he was up to, or you will.

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 14/08/2020 08:32

They weren’t old friends that I knew, I’ve never met them before. Tbh it is a big house and easy to find a bedroom when you’re looking for a loo.

OP posts:
TDMN · 14/08/2020 08:35

OP just wanted to say thank you for even thinking of telling her. I was cheated on repeatedly by two long term relationships, his whole family knew and said nothing, one of them was like your son, he kept doing it because there were no consequences. Cheating fucks you up so badly and knowing there was one person on my side would have brought me such comfort, mainly because he played it off like it wasnt a big deal and gaslighted me into thinking i was crazy. I was in so much pain for so long having to figure it out for myself and then deal with the aftermath alone as there was no big 'reveal' to start fresh from as everyone already knew!
You are doing the right thing. It sounds like your son doesnt care about upsetting you (from your mention of lying and stealing) so shouldnt be an issue if you do something that upsets him, right?

LordOftheRingz · 14/08/2020 08:36

I would tell the GF, my son or not, I would not inflict that upon another woman. I would. also read. him the riot act and tell him he is welcome to visit me in my home, to see me, but he is not welcome in any other capacity.

dottiedodah · 14/08/2020 08:36

He seems disrespectful to women generally really doesnt he? Did your EXH treat you disrespectfully as well .Men normally have a role model of their DF or another adult they will model themselves on.At 28 he is old enough to take charge of his life ,if he has his own flat then why is round yours with a load of mates FFS! Whatever you think of his behaviour he is well over age of consent and will do what he wants as no one can stop him! What does he say if you talk to him does he deny it or become defensive ?The issue is that he will keep on shagging random girls and leaving upset in his wake until he is stopped either by falling in love with a girl,or by waking up pushing 40 with a load of one nighters and nothing to show for it!