Adult son is a serial cheat

[whattodoforthebest2]

My son is 28, he has a good job and his own flat. We have a good relationship, except for the fact that he habitually cheats on every girlfriend he has ever had. His dad and I separated when he was 15, he has a good relationship with his father but his dad and I are no contact. My son has had a succession of 2-4 year long relationships, always with lovely girlfriends, not only stunning looking but polite, respectful, friendly and trusting girls.

He is due to go on holiday with his gf of 2 years on Saturday. This evening he has asked to stay at mine as he was seeing some mates locally. At 3am I'm woken by him coming upstairs and I go and find my living room and kitchen full of boys drinking. My son isn't there. So I find him in his room in bed with a girl having sex.

This isn't the first time I'm aware that he's cheated on this gf, but she's a lovely girl and I can't stand by and watch this happen.

So what do I do now? My instinct is to contact her via fb and ask her to call me and tell her, either on the phone or in person.

As far as I’m aware, the gf doesn’t know about the other woman who contacted me last year, so it isn’t a case of her being ok with his behaviour.

You need to stop letting him stay at yours for a start. Don't be party to his cheating. I also would refuse to meet any future girlfriends as you're getting emotionally invested, and when he cheats it's hurting you because you care for the girls. Actually tell him you want to know nothing of any relationships in the future.
Give him the chance to tell his girlfriend, make him very aware that if he doesn't you are willing to. He more than likely won't, and then you need to decide if you have it in you to tell her.

Sadly OP your so is one of life's users. No empathy for others, no boundaries etc etc.

Some may choose to pathologise his behaviour, suggestions of ASD to narcissism usually abound, but basically you have a selfish man child on your hands. Having seen friends struggle in relationships with similar sounding men I can see why you want to shake him out of it, to protect his gfs from him. But I can't see how you can do that without infantilising hm and, worse, making him your problem forever!

I suspect the best you can do is remove his access to your home and tell him this last episode was the last straw, he treats you and your home with respect, no question.

I suspect your DD will be extremely relieved but I would also expect he to be angry with you - for allowing his excesses for so long. You should probably think of having a long chat with her too!

OP, your son sounds like my ex. I wish someone had told me about his cheating then I would have had a bit more to back me up if I confronted him. As it was I knew he would just lie his way out of it and I'd end up feeling even more confused and crap than I already did.

Oh @whattodoforthebest2 I really fell for you. This is a hard one. There are other issues around lack of respect for others here. Such as going through your stuff and bringing back drunk mates to a house where his mum and sister are sleeping. Also the fact his friend celebrate this type of cheating behaviour suggest this type of deceit and lying are just part of his life.
I always wonder about men who behave like this, and there are unfortunately lots. With him it is an unfortunate combo of it being acceptable and encouraged in his friendship group and him not feeling its morally wrong. I think therefore this behaviour will be hard to change. He probably needs a shock and to really learn from his actions. This will only happen when people hold him responsible for his actions and won't accept them. So if tell the gf tell him you will and why. Then maybe you need some time away from the relationship until he can show he's changed. If hr won't engage then I don't think you can in good concience continue to engage with him.

The first issue for you to deal with is that he put you and your daughter at risk of, at the very least, being piddled on in the middle of the night and possibly of rape. In your house, which is the only home you have and I'm guessing the only home your daughter has. Him "being an adult" doesn't mean he can work this out for himself. You and your daughter aren't his possessions to put at risk. If you were letting the room to a 21 year old woman, and I was her friend I'd be round right now to tell you had to stop this.

You don't have to facilitate his infidelity. (even though "he is an adult"). You don't have to lie if asked about it, (Even if he is" working it out") You don't have to provide a room for it. The telling his girlfriend thing is something you have already decided on, it seems. er some have some.

I would have a really good think about who you would want to have power of attorney in case you became incapacitated. If you don't want this it be your eldest son by himself, I would take positive steps to appoint others to have enduring powers of attorney and to start this today.

Oh, and don't let him keep anything at your house. No paper, usb sticks etc. For your own safety.

I've just cleared up all the bottles, they were in for a night of it.

And you shouldn't have to clear up up after his drunken mates.

I think everyone has already said everything I would've but it definitely seems your son has learnt to have zero respect for women, including you, and most probably from his dad. Perhaps this is his acting out after the divorce? Was he like this before you got divorced?

And yes, you should tell the girlfriend and stop letting your son in your house

You shouldn't be ashamed. He's an adult who is responsible for his own decisions. It sounds like you have tried your best to raise him right, but the truth is that young men have many more influences on them than their mothers and home life which can lead them into these kinds of behaviours, and it also sounds like he does not see any problem with how he behaves. If I were you I would now make my boundaries very clear with regard to his behaviour under your roof. I would also tell his gf as she clearly needs to know for her own protection, and he's not going to tell her. I would consider reducing contact with your son/not meeting his next gf and generally distancing yourself. It is very hard. No one wants to fall out with their own children. I'm sorry you've been put in this situation.

I would tell the GF.. simply so she can get an STD test.. if he's shagging around he could be passing on STDs that could affect her forever.

I have three adult children 26-28 and I think it would be a very low contact relationship with any of them if they behaved in that way. He obviously has no respect for you or any other women sadly. Not your fault at all, but he is not a decent man.

And changing the locks.

I would also tell the GF. The fact that he brought it into your home gives you every right to IMO.

He clearly has zero respect for women. There is nothing wrong with him having an active sex life so why does he keep getting into relationships- surely he's better off single so he can act this way freely without upsetting people. This poor girl could be planning a future with your son. She needs to be told so she can find a nice man who deserves her. You'll be doing her a favour. The only thing she will be loosing is you as a lovely MIL.

Some tough love is required here, you need to tell him to grow the fuck up.

I was going to say tell him to tell her because if he doesn’t then you will, but looks like you are already on it! This way he has a choice to face the consequences himself. I suspect he won’t but at least you’ve warned him. Oh and if he tells you it’s none of your business, He made it your business when did all of this under your roof.

From what you’ve said about there being stealing and lying too, it sounds like his life is chaotic and out of control. He’s horribly misogynistic which he will have learned from his father. Counselling would be a good move for him to get to the bottom of his behaviour and get his life back on track, but he has to go willingly. He won’t cooperate with a therapist if he’s pushed into it. He’ll no doubt lie and try to hoodwink them to.

I would definitely tell the GF. She has a right to know (I fell out with many ‘friends’ who knew about my Ex’s philanderings but didn’t tell me. My health was at risk the whole time and my children’s lives were turned upside down). You can warn her re STi’s and save any future children from a broken family. He has a choice to tell her first. You’ve warned him.

Also, the MIL telling the girlfriend that she knows her BF is cheating because he was doing it in her house isn’t going to come across as helpful/caring, if I were the GF and my MIL informed me that my DP was using her house to conduct his affairs I would feel she was rubbing my nose in it by smugly telling me she knew something I didn’t know, not only that, that she had provided the means for it to happen.

You are being very harsh on the OP - she isn't letting encouraging "him use the house to conduct his affairs" - he did it without her knowledge.

And there's no suggestion that telling the GF will be "smug". OP is very distressed about the whole situation because she is fond of this girl - if she was the type to take pleasure in it she wouldn't be on here asking for advice.

I agree that she should have thrown them all out, and made her DS pay for a taxi to take that girl home, esp as she was so young - but it's easy for us to ay what should or shouldn't have happened, when we aren't faced with half a dozen drunken men in our home - men who could get angry or aggressive or otherwise unpleasant.

What's happened has happened - OP just wants to know how best to deal with it now.

i would be really angry to wake up and find a load of my adult sons friends in my house drinking and my son shagging some girl in his bedroom. I'd have thrown the lot of them out of my house right then and there in the middle of the night in a rage. Your house is not a knocking shop or a doss house!!!
He treats you and your home with utter disrespect so I think the problem stems from here. If he is not treating his mother with respect why should he treat any other woman with respect.
I would have words with him and tell him your relationship is hanging by a thread because of his behaviour and you will not be entertaining his friends or women in your home from now on - lay down some ground rules and give him hell.
I had to do this with my adult son a few years ago and his behaviour has improved no end.

Sorry part of a sentence got swallowed up there.
Second the bit about changing the locks. He seems to have decided to be amoral. Check your bank statements really carefully.

I'm not sure that 17-year-old girl was really safe in your house last night. There were a bunch of drunk friends and your son was bragging about sleeping with her. What was going to stop one of them from joining in?

I haven't mentioned all the lying and stealing that's gone on, as that's nothing to do with the current situation

Well it is more proof that he has absolutely no respect for any of you.

I would show some teeth and lay down the law at this point. He's a grown man and you can't control his behaviour, but you can refuse to accept any further disrespect of yourself, your other children and your property. You can refuse to be party to his sexual incontinence and stop allowing him to put you in a position where you feel that you are having to be complicit in his dishonesty.

In your shoes, I'd tell him up front that he is a disgusting misogynist who owes it to all the women in his life, who he habitually mistreats, to address his bigotry. He mistreats not only his girlfriends, but his mother (by using her house like a cheap motel and stealing etc) and his sister (by putting her at risk of random men entering her private bedroom). Also the women who sleep with him because they think he is single and probably because he has told them there is a relationship on the cards.

I would take his key off him and tell him that he is welcome to visit the house by prior arrangement but he is not to stay overnight any more and he is certainly not to bring anyone with him.

I would also tell him that I would no longer be put in a position of keeping his secrets when he has brazenly paraded yet another conquest (who invariably believes that he is single) in front of me. That if any of us get a whiff of this behaviour, I will be informing the current girlfriend. What he's doing is very serious. Already one girl who thought she was exclusive with him has had a termination.

We are lucky to live in the UK at a time where there have been great medical advances. I think this has allowed lots of people (men like your son especially) to forget that sex is still risky for women. Pregnancy and childbirth can, and do, result in death or lifelong injury for women in the UK every year. Termination also carries health risks. Ditto STDs. When he is busy depositing his sperm in the vaginas of various women (who he has deceived and who don't realise he is sleeping with multiple partners or that he is completely unable to commit to fatherhood should they find themselves pregnant), he is piling a whole heap of risk onto these women that they aren't aware they are taking. I would be very clearly spelling all of this out.

TDMN and TimelyManor - I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with such shitty situations as this. This is precisely why I have to say something. Being kept in the dark and believing a barrage of lies must be desperately sad. My sons lied to me so many times I no longer believe anything he says at all, neither does anyone else. I don’t actually think he wants to be like this, he genuinely doesn’t seem to understand why his brother and sister don’t want to socialise with him and they go out of their way to avoid seeing him. We’re completely cut off from my ex’s wider family now because of our divorce, so there’s a whole swathe of family we no longer see.

Re disrespecting women, yes I would say my ex was disrespectful towards women generally but I was the only one (and still am) who stood up to him. His father was the same, actually even worse, he was a sulky manipulative bully, especially to his wife. I tend to think boys follow their fathers lead and so my ex follows his father and my son seems to follow in his fathers footsteps even though he can see it’s wrong, he's always seemed to idolise his dad.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

I've just cleared up all the bottles, they were in for a night of it.

And you shouldn't have to clear up up after his drunken mates.

She shouldn't but seeing as she kicked them all out she doesn't have much choice

I'm not sure that 17-year-old girl was really safe in your house last night

I totally missed the bit about her looking 17. Good God, OP. He is awful.

@madcatladyforever

i would be really angry to wake up and find a load of my adult sons friends in my house drinking and my son shagging some girl in his bedroom. I'd have thrown the lot of them out of my house right then and there in the middle of the night in a rage. Your house is not a knocking shop or a doss house!!! He treats you and your home with utter disrespect so I think the problem stems from here. If he is not treating his mother with respect why should he treat any other woman with respect. I would have words with him and tell him your relationship is hanging by a thread because of his behaviour and you will not be entertaining his friends or women in your home from now on - lay down some ground rules and give him hell. I had to do this with my adult son a few years ago and his behaviour has improved no end.

She did kick them out right there and then in the middle of the night

I would tell him he needs to tell her/end it or you will have to step in and won't turn a blind eye. I would do that before telling her yourself first.

OP, what is wrong with you? Your son is an adult. Mind your own business. Why on earth you'd been consider telling his girlfriend? He is 28 and not married, no kids. Let him manage his own life and back off.

I can understand though if you don't like him bringing strangers into your house, but it is a separate issue

If my DPs mum told me that he was having other girls back to his house, I would be devastated but be glad to know! Thank F someone is telling her rather than letting her look like a mug.

Is he an alcoholic or on drugs? Sounds like classic coke head behaviour to me