When you love your friends but not their kids.

[stirringbeast]

I have 2 very good friends whom I see a lot. They are both wonderful kind and generous ladies.

However I'm finding it harder and harder to spend time with them. It's their kids. Neither of them has much control at all - their children come and trash my house, scoff all the biscuits leaving none for mine, whine for more and more treats when we're out which they eventually give in to, making me look mean for not doing the same, speak rudely to their mothers which my kids are now starting to copy etc etc.

I find I am constantly biting my lip when we're together. The closest I have come to saying anything is telling the children on several occasions that certain behaviours are not acceptable in my house. I got some uncomfortable looks from the mothers on these occasions.

Obviously my children are not angels and certainly have their moments but I believe that the parent should be firmly in charge.

I don't like things to fester away leaving bad atmospheres but I'm not sure I should say anything to my friends about how hard I'm finding it. I think they will get defensive and it will ruin the friendship.

Has anyone experienced this? What did you do?

I'm totally with you, stirringbeast. It would hack me off as well, but tricky if you like the mums and don't want to offend.

But you don't have to; I think it should be perfectly reasonable for you to say in a pleasant tone of voice to the kids "Whoah, that's not how it works in this house with biscuits. Put them back.... on the plate... that's right, well done. Now, one each (or whatever) for the moment, or there'll be none left for tomorrow."
Or with the popcorn, assuming you noticed before they went home "Wow. How did that happen? OK, so let's have a blitz on picking it all up. Now, please..... excellent... Every bit, or we won't be having it again. Who can squeeze under the table to get those bits over there...?" etc...

You can stay chilled, but get your point across.

Used to hack me off when a friend's kids used to start talking poos, bums and farts as soon as they climbed into my car. Straightaway, I would say, "Sorry guys, We don't have those words here. What else shall we talk about?"

Stay strong stirring - as much as you can. (Maybe buy a biscuit tin too).

This might cheer you up - my old school friends and I had exactly the same problem with one of our dearest, cleverest, nicest mates - and her 3 DCs.

Allowing them in our houses stopped being an option (had to hire industrial cleaners after a tea party), but going out with them was only slighly less agonising, emotionally and physically. Strangers stared while dodging blows.

Finally the DCs reached school age - and are both being exhaustively trained for social skills after the school admitted the behaviour was 'unusual'.

It's really sad - but you're not imagining it.

stirring I had this issue with a really good, friend of mine, we've known each other for about 10 yeas but we parent very differently and my ds has got so he wasn't happy seeing hers. We now meet once a month for mums only lunch while the boys are at school.

We have a situation where my children don't like the children of my friends because they are so badly behaved. It makes it impossible because they don't want to visit my friends any more than they want them round. So I tend to stick to mum's nights out. I would like to add, before you think my kids sound too good to be true, that they do like other friends' children and enjoy other children visit, but there is a particular set that are just impossible.

Either don't give them biscuits at all and hide them away or share them out equally and put them in a bowl. Then they can't eat your DC's share.

You can't really expect your friends not to buy their DC treats, just because you don't want to buy yours treats. Your kids may not like it but just explain to them the reasons why you don't want to buy them treats (whether it's financial, health, because you think they should save up their own pocket money etc) and they have to understand they can't always have the same as their friends. This is only the start of it. As they get older it will be so and so has pierced ears, belly button pierced, high heels, can wear make up, go to the cinema on their own, doesn't have to be in til X time etc etc.

I would meet up at parks, woods, museums, art galleries, cafes, restaurants, beer gardens (when it's warm enough), soft play, swimming, bowling, ice skating, cinema etc, so you don't have to fear that your house will get trashed.

If you absolutely must have them at your house then every so often keep encouraging them to tidy whatever they've got out away before they get anything else out. Hide away any breakables, special toys, felt tips, paints etc.

I have been known to mop the toy room floor before a certain friend's DS comes round so there is a good reason why they are not allowed to go in and trash the place play.

What's wrong with talking about poohs, bums and farts. I know grown men that are still obsessed with talking about them. It's not just boys!

BTW I meant give them each their own bowl with their own biscuits in, rather than putting everyone's biscuit on one plate IYSWIM.

This wasn't just boys, either. Girls, actually. I don't know any grown men who are obsessed with them, however. Not in public, anyway.
Just don't want it in my car/house. My kids don't do it, so don't see why I should listen to other people's.

@ 'I don't speak Whinese' - must remember that one

meet in the evenings at the pub and get babysitters.. much nicer..

Am I the only one inclined to think if you know the kids can't be trusted when they all get together that maybe they shouldn't be left to play unsupervised?

You lot would probably all hate me. If my DS sat under the table for the whole meal time I would just let him continue sitting there until he got bored and came out.

DS has a bed time of 9:30pm because I would rather get up at a reasonable hour in the morning than have child-free time at night.

I just don't see the point in making it into a battle of wills and a control issue. What is the harm of him sitting under the table when it's not affecting anybody? Surely it would be less disruptive to everybody if I didn't spend the whole meal time trying to persuade and cajole him into coming out when he clearly didn't want to for whatever reason and was perfectly happy where he was.

My 2 children sat under the table during all the speeches at a wedding recently. To be honest, I was relieved. They were under happy and quiet meaning everyone could enjoy the speeches. They weren't harming anyone! I wouldn't hate you nappyaddict. IMO, I'd rather have a happy quiet 4 year old under the table than a miserable noisy 4 year old sat at the table any day.

Amazed how so many people on this thread have perfectly behaved and well mannered children at all times .

No child is perfect, but I do agree the parents of disruptive children are not doing their children ANY favours.

Stirringbeast, we have a similar issue with a number of our friends and are struggling to find our way through it at the moment. Recently one lot came for sunday tea and looked shocked when I told their dd (3) off for throwing her dinner on the floor. I didn't 'get' it when after demanding certain foods for dinner, then refusing to eat, she then re-demanded dinner after everything had been cleared up/thrown away. My friend ended up promising to cook for her again at home, having spent the previous hour saying "there'll be nothing else to eat at home if you don't eat this". She also demanded (lots of that word!) more dessert, having not eaten anything else (of course she had been told she couldn't have it, and was then given it), so she got more when my own dcs (who had eaten their dinner) didn't.

Worse, we are friends with another couple who are both wonderful people, gentle, kind, immensely intelligent, super-sensitive and their 3.5 yr old ds is totally out of control. They are convinced that he is super-bright/gifted; all the rest of us can see is an utter maniac who hits other kids (all the time), gets excluded from nursery regularly (but its not his fault, of course), trashes the place whenever he comes round and is an absolute terror. Of course its down to the parenting style, but its got so bad that my ds (4.5) has started actively requesting this child not come over as he doesn't like playing with him and he always trashes his room/toys. Trouble is, they are pretty much our best friends and it isn't really possible to see them much without their ds. And they are convinced their ds is such good friends with ours...

[email protected] DD1 is fluent in that!

Children are funny things. My DS does that all the time.

Me - DS, what would you like for lunch.

DS - porridge

Me - Here you go DS try some nice porridge.

DS - Eugh, followed by refusal to eat it.

When he has nursery I used to think he can't go til 4pm without anything to eat I'll have to try to get him to eat something. I would offer about 5 different things. It would get to 5 minutes before we had to leave and I would give up and say OK then, fine, let's get dressed. 2 minutes later he would come into the kitchen and say dinner please. Luckily I hadn't thrown it away. I realised from that moment that if he didn't eat his dinner to ignore him and he would eat it when he was ready. I think it was the pressure of me going do you want this, try that that made him not eat it TBH.

I would still give my DS dessert but we only have things like fruit, yoghurt, rice pudding which I still think are nutritional and a lot of time he would then eat his main meal once he had eaten his dessert (or sometimes he eats it all together) - doesn't bother me what order he eats it in as long as he eats something.

Trouble is, it is so easy to be smug about this kind of thing. Friends of ours came to stay once and their DD was then about 2-3. She always refused to eat, but by turning it into a big game, I got her and my DD (who was younger) to eat the lot. I then felt like super-mum and no doubt her mum felt like a failure. Truth is, it was just because it was me, not her mum, and I was lavishing all this attention on her. 5 years on, having had my own fair share of picky eaters, I know better than to judge others in quite the same way.