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Original poster

That man showed me his willy....

146 replies

handlemecarefully · 04/07/2005 09:29

My 2.11 yr old dd just casually announced this on our journey home from Nursery. The man she was referring to works there and has been there for 4-5 weeks.

What next? Not sure whether I should say something to the Nursery Manager because this could be complete fabrication on my dd's part (she does say misleading and inaccurate things sometimes)...and if I say something and he is completely blameless?

At the time I said to her "Did he? If he did that's very naughty. If he does it again you must tell him 'no', and go and tell one of the ladies straight away" (she refers to the predominantly female staff at the Nursery as 'ladies')

DD has been showing no sings of 'sexualised behaviour'. She is interested in 'willies' of both genders - but no more so than any other child her age. She did mention the other day that one of the other little girls had shown dd her bottom....

Should I say anything to the Nursery Manager. If yes - that what and how?

OP posts:

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giraffeski · 04/07/2005 09:31

Message withdrawn

anorak · 04/07/2005 09:32

I suppose you could ask her where she and the man were standing/sitting when this happened. If she says 'In the middle of class' then you know it's not true. Whereas if she says 'in the toilets' or something then you have more grounds to be suspicious.

The repercussions of it going wrong either way are just too awful, aren't they?

emily05 · 04/07/2005 09:33

does the nursery have cctv?

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Twiglett · 04/07/2005 09:33

tell her but exactly the way you've said it here so there's no doubt left that you aren't sure / don't know whether anything happened

SoupDragon · 04/07/2005 09:33

You could tell the nursery manager and say "I am aware that this could be a complete fabrication on my DDs part but thought you should know that..." or try to extract more info from your DD without leading her on iyswim.

I think I'd try a few questions like "Where..." "Was anyone else there..."

gigglinggoblin · 04/07/2005 09:36

if he is genuine he will totally understand that kids make things up. it is entirely possible that the other girl did show dd her bottom, going to the loo was always quite a social occasion when ds was at nursery. i would have a quiet, private word with the nursery manager, not one of the other staff in the room.

NotQuiteCockney · 04/07/2005 09:36

I'm with SoupDragon, I think.

Unfortunately, if your DD is anything like my DS1, she'll just make things up to answer any questions, though. And making things up isn't a guarantee the whole thing is made up.

At any rate, you're looking out for the right things - if she's not showing sexualised behaviour, it's not likely anything is up. But it's still best to talk to the Nursery Manager.

QueenEagle · 04/07/2005 09:38

This is definitely something you cannot leave.

Having had years of child protection training this is what I feel you must do:

Do not question her about it as you can inadvertently put words into her mouth.

Speak directly to the playgroup leader and explain exactly what your dd said and you feel this needs checking out immediately.

A plain clothes policewoman can interview your child in very relaxed and non-threatening surroundings and establish whther or not there is any truth in this.

Act quickly.

I think you have said the right things so far to your dd.

When did she say this and when he she next due to go to nursery?

mytwopenceworth · 04/07/2005 09:41

err on the side of caution always. not to march in there yelling pervert, but you have to talk to your daughter and get clear details and if she says that he showed her his penis, you have to mention to the manager what your daughter said. it probably is nothing at all - maybe she even caught him having a wee! maybe she is making it up, maybe he showed her something or did an activity and she is telling you about that - how clear is her speech and does she get words mixed up? - my friends daughter was telling me about the microscopic orgasms they are learning about at school.
you have to clarify this and act as appropriate, you dont have any other option.

Marina · 04/07/2005 09:42

Oh hmc, I do think you need to follow this up. I really hope there is a satisfactory explanation. Personally, as a nursery user for the past five years I would be quite astonished if a paedophile made it past the checks and safeguards in British daycare. I cannot remember ever hearing of such a thing either on the grapevine or in the press.
Can't really improve on the suggested gambits here, best of luck with this

Chandra · 04/07/2005 09:43

Agree with SupDragon and ggb. Questioning children is a bit tricky, if you question your daughter too she may end up telling you more than what has happened if she believes that's what you want to hear. So probably having a word with the nursery so they can have an eye on him and keep them "on guard" in case something is going on.

Having said that, children that age rarely lie, however if she has got an interest in willies (as you have mentioned), there are opportunities that she may have made it up. So, better to talk to the nursery, think in the security of your daughter but also think in how the life of an innocent person can be affected/damaged if that it's a lie.

Chandra · 04/07/2005 09:44

If you question your daughter too much, I meant to say.

QueenEagle · 04/07/2005 09:44

Key thing is to not question her about it. If there turns out to be anything at all in what she is saying then you will bugger up any investigation as it can be said you have lead her on.

lilaclotus · 04/07/2005 09:45

marina, in my dd's nursery, before she started going there, there was a man working there who they found to have 90000 child porn pictures on his pc. it does happen.

Chandra · 04/07/2005 09:45

QE Great post!

mytwopenceworth · 04/07/2005 09:55

they do a background check, but all that means is that the person has never been CAUGHT doing anything! didnt think of the questioning leading to child telling you what they think you want to hear. good point.

starrynight · 04/07/2005 09:57

Personally, I would always believe the child until it was proven otherwise - and therefore take appropriate action (QE's post tells you what to do). Rather make a mistake and investigate someone than wait til its serious and has buggered up some kids life.

I would be v. surprised if their weren't paedophiles working with children all over the country - its only a small minority that are ever caught/charged/found guilty and only a fraction of a tiny minority who serve any kind of decent punishment.

JM2P

Original poster

handlemecarefully · 04/07/2005 09:58

Yes - I am not keen to question her about it too much because she will try and fill in gaps and try and give me an answer - any answer...and I don't want to be 'leading' in any way....

She does say things for attention. For instance in the Supermarket the other day she was making a lot of noise and being mildly disruptive when an elderly gent gave her a disapproving look. She complained to me that a man had looked 'grumpy' at her, so I replied, well if anyone else does that let mummy know and I'll give them a hard stare....(I know not a sensible thing to say to her, but I was feeling a bit tired and defeated with life at that point) after that, every time we passed another shopper she piped up with "mummy, that lady frowned at me" etc, when clearly they didn't

I suppose I really must say something, but I am dreading it. I suspect that the Nursery Manager probably thinks I'm a bit neurotic so goodness knows what she'll make of this.

Also, am concerned in case the chap concerned is completely blameless. Who wants to cast this sort of pall over anyone.

But for my dd's sake in case she is telling the truth, I suppose that I have no alternative but to say something.

I should just add that my dd did accuse her grandfather of poking her down below a couple of months back....Any relevance?

I'm a bit out of my depth.

OP posts:

koalabear · 04/07/2005 09:59

take her seriously - if it turns out to be fabrication so be it, but the worst scenario is if it it true and you didn't say anything to the nursury manager

as other posters have said, you can always couch it as "i'm not sure about this but ..."

QueenEagle · 04/07/2005 09:59

Listen HMC - if your dd had said to the playgroup leader that the man had shown his willy, she would have had the police involved immediately. It should be no different just because your dd said it to you.

I think you should write down everything you can remember your dd telling you about it in exactly her own words. But don't question her any further about it. Just in case there is an investigation.

You could phone the NSPCC to see what they think. You could also phone your local Police Station to see what they advise - you don't need to tell them your name. Tell them you want to take advice before you report it officially, something like that.

Are you ok by the way? It's not a nice thing to have to deal with especially if it's your own child involved.

koalabear · 04/07/2005 10:01

HMC - something happened in my life a long long long time ago and my mother DID NOT take me seriously and did nothing - take her seriously, and couch it in terms of "I'm sorry if it nothing, but ..." - I don't think there is much of an option here

starrynight · 04/07/2005 10:02

HMC what happened in the end with her grandad?

Original poster

handlemecarefully · 04/07/2005 10:06

I've just rung the Nursery Manager (it's an on site day Nursery just 3 mins walk from my office) - she knows I want to talk to her but she is just about to start an interview. She is going to ring me when she is free.

OP posts:

QueenEagle · 04/07/2005 10:09

hmc - when is you dd next due to go to the nursery?

sorry for poor typing, trying to feed ds4 at same time!

jambo1707 · 04/07/2005 10:09

Yes tell nursery

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