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Original poster

That man showed me his willy....

146 replies

handlemecarefully · 04/07/2005 09:29

My 2.11 yr old dd just casually announced this on our journey home from Nursery. The man she was referring to works there and has been there for 4-5 weeks.

What next? Not sure whether I should say something to the Nursery Manager because this could be complete fabrication on my dd's part (she does say misleading and inaccurate things sometimes)...and if I say something and he is completely blameless?

At the time I said to her "Did he? If he did that's very naughty. If he does it again you must tell him 'no', and go and tell one of the ladies straight away" (she refers to the predominantly female staff at the Nursery as 'ladies')

DD has been showing no sings of 'sexualised behaviour'. She is interested in 'willies' of both genders - but no more so than any other child her age. She did mention the other day that one of the other little girls had shown dd her bottom....

Should I say anything to the Nursery Manager. If yes - that what and how?

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beetroot · 04/07/2005 17:12

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Blossomhill · 04/07/2005 17:26

HMC - So sorry you are going through this. Haven't read through all of the posts but really feel for you.
Beetroot - also so sorry to hear about your dd. It just makes me even more worried about who I leave my children with ( I am over protective as it is)

PrincessPeaHead · 04/07/2005 17:26

this may be a contentious view, but I would look suspiciously at any man who worked in a nursery. why does he? men and small children in childcare situations do not mix, IMO.

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katierocket · 04/07/2005 17:29

disagree pph, there are two blokes at ben's nursery and both are lovely. the kids love one of them in particular because he plays footy with them and I think they get a different kind of interaction with a male than a female. IMO it's good that there is some difference. It's always women.

don't think men have the monopoly on being dodgy or a crap nursery nurse either. One of the female nursery nurses at DS's nursery was sacked last year for hitting a child.
Thought you were on holiday pph?

beetroot · 04/07/2005 17:30

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PrincessPeaHead · 04/07/2005 17:35

back now! was just 5 days away.

I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule, but because I am naturally suspicious of men that choose to work with small children, if my small child came home and said "that man showed me his willy" I would NOT be giving him the benefit of the doubt. I would be being extremely careful, I would let him know personally that I was watching him, and I would be very disturbed.

When they did that big "wonderland" child porn ring bust, of the huge number of people they were given details of in the UK something appalling like 70% were working with children. Horrible.

katierocket · 04/07/2005 17:49

that is a grim statistic pph.

did dh cope on his own?!

aloha · 04/07/2005 18:05

Now you are making me think I may have been wrong. It's a tough one.

SoupDragon · 04/07/2005 18:22

Just because 70% of the paedophiles wirked with small children does not mean that 70% of men working with children are paedophiles.

At what age would you deem it OK for men to be working with children?

starrynight · 04/07/2005 18:31

No, thats true - but I do think its useful for parents to know so that they can be vigilant - someone earlier on the thread thought it would be surprising if any paedophiles worked with children as there are so many checks. Maybe it creates a false sense of security.

QueenOfQuotes · 04/07/2005 18:32

agree - and how many of those 70% were actually women! I know it sounds shocking but there are female Paedophiles - infact the first person to be placed on the Sex Offenders List in the Highlands was female!

starrynight · 04/07/2005 18:37

I would be interested to know how many of the whole lot were women tbh. I think they are normally corroborators (sp???) rather than abusers? Not 100% sure though.

starrynight · 04/07/2005 18:38

Obviously, assisting in any way means you are as liable as the abuser. Just to clarify.

QueenOfQuotes · 04/07/2005 18:42

quite an old article but this makes some interesting points.

starrynight · 04/07/2005 19:26

That makes for very grim reading

Particularly the childline stats - 3% being abused by both parents. fgs what is wrong with people?

Original poster
handlemecarefully · 04/07/2005 22:18

PPH, I hope nobody flames me for this but I have wondered the same myself. Maybe it's a product of deep conditioning about gender roles, but it has crossed my mind....(i.e. why would a man want to work in a Nursery). I feel awkward about coming out and saying it. Poor man is probably very genuine....

Thanks QE for your very kind offer re photocopying the booklet - I really don't want to put you to any trouble though...

Thanks Beety - I've got the book that you linked to. I bought it on your previous recommendation when I posted worries about something dd said regarding her grandpa a while ago (I used an assumed name for that post as I felt awkward about it). Fwiw I think it is a very good book, but just wondered if it is almost planting ideas into dd's head....

Had casual chat with dd today on way home from Nursery. Asked her if she liked the 'ladies' at Nursery and she said 'yes'. Asked her if she liked the man at Nursery and she said 'yes'. Apparently he is 'stinky' however and smells of poo, but she 'loves' him anyway....??? It seems that he had fa*ted today and another child had told him off for it! He apparently said "Pardon me". No more mention of willies however.

Still don't know what to make of it all..but tonight when I got home I read "My body is private" to her despite my reservations and reinforced that she shouldn't keep secrets from mummy and should tell me if she is unhappy about anything.

Keep going back to the fact that she said something similar about grandpa a while back, and wondering if it is all linked somehow.

OP posts:
QueenEagle · 04/07/2005 22:21

HMC I would treat the book you read to her as you would any other book. Leave it on her shelf with the others and make talking about her body being private a normal thing in a casual sort of way iyswim?

I have the booklet and the photocopier right in front of me as we speak, so would be no trouble to stick it in whilst I'm browsing MN! Let me know if you want it, I really don't mind

Original poster
handlemecarefully · 04/07/2005 22:23

Um, yes please QueenEagle, I really would appreciate it. I shall CAT you with my email address.

Thank you

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 05/07/2005 07:43

hmc, you have said several times that your daughter makes up stories about people doing things to her. Assuming that these stories are untrue (that's the impression I am getting from you), perhaps you may want to take a look at why she is making up these stories. I do think there is a difference between saying that no one likes you and that everyone is making mean faces to you, and having imaginary friends and tea parties. The former to me really seems to indicate a lack of self worth. I wonder why she has this at 2 years old? Is it possible that she isn't getting enough encouragement at home or at nursery and is expressing it in that way.

Original poster
handlemecarefully · 05/07/2005 09:45

I suppose that you mean well SofiaAmes, but I didn't say she makes up stories. She has a creative mind and vivid imagination, and sometimes her imagination may take her down unexpected avenues.

I do take exception to:

"The former to me really seems to indicate a lack of self worth. I wonder why she has this at 2 years old? Is it possible that she isn't getting enough encouragement at home or at nursery and is expressing it in that way".

She has lots of self confidence and self esteem. She most certainly does not lack encouragement at home and I really feel quite insulted by that insinuation. I can't be absolutely sure about Nursery, but from what I can tell it is a supportive and caring environment.

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Original poster
handlemecarefully · 05/07/2005 09:50

For the record she doesn't say that nobody likes her - it transpires that one child only at the Nursery sometimes says to her "I don't like you anymore" as children that age tend to. I've explained to dd that this particular child is a very silly and rude little girl - an explanation that dd was quite happy with

OP posts:
starrynight · 05/07/2005 09:53

God, if I had a pound for every time one of my children said "so and so doesn't like me any more" or "so and so isn't my friend" I would be a very rich woman.

katierocket · 05/07/2005 09:59

I think lots of children around this age make up stories.

gothicmama · 05/07/2005 10:06

children of that age seem to be making sense of their world and do seem to get muddled with time line of events etc. I think it is common fro them to all to say at soem time or another I don;t want to be your friend - it usally transpires that they want time away froma particular friend -
From your posts i get teh sense taht you are very protective of your dd and I wander if maybe she is palying on this in some way for attention . It may be better raterh than saying xx is silly and rude to say soemthing more neutral. This seemed to be teh best approach with dd.
On the original matter I think you have doen teh right thing in letting teh nursery know and by reading teh books to your dd does she ask questions when you read tehm to her? I hope all this resolves itself in a good and postitive way

Caligula · 05/07/2005 10:27

Going off on a tangent, there's a woman's hour programme on right now about men in childcare.