Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

All I can suggest is work with the professionals

and put your children first and, if that means them not living with you, then so be it.

Have you got any family and friends who can come over for a weekend and overhaul your house? Throw stuff out and clean it? Can you pay someone to do that?

I have no friends or family at all x

I think cleaning up and tidying is more of a priority than a diagnosis. If you have money to go private can you pay a cleaner?

listen to and work with the professionals. Do what they say and clean your house.

Then you don't understand ADHD. It's not as simple as just do it. I don't have money to go private but I've been saving a little each month. I've been working with the professionals, and I've been trying very hard to keep on top of things, but I need support and I have none

I do understand ADHD very well thank you. But if your house is dirty you need to clean. What do you think a diagnosis will change over a clean and tidy house for girls ‘who are your world’. A clean house is the absolute minimum they deserve. It’s not about you it’s about them.

Do you mean that there is clutter in the home so things like the bath are inaccessible? Maybe the first priority needs to be tidying/cleaning the home (professionals can help) and then having a daily rota to keep on top of daily chores. Write things down like hoover on Monday, polish on Tuesday etc and tidy up as you go along. Allocate time each day to ensure things are kept tidy. Might be hard at first but would become easier in time. Also having a planner diary and writing things like appointments, responsibilities etc in it to try to keep on top of things daily. This will help to demonstrate that you are taking things seriously and initiating positive change 💐

The medication will be a life saver. Literally. And yes I am aware they need a clean house, which is why I'm trying so hard to keep on top of it. I am also well aware it's about them which is why I'm seeking help and advice. But you've got a bee in your bonnet so I'm not going to.converse with you further

Can I recommend a book called "how to keep house when you are drowning" it really helped me in difficult times.

You should be entitled to legal aid so keep trying for a solicitor. Otherwise I suggest writing down your points in advance.

So question one: has dad been assessed as a suitable parent.

Question two: if yes can I have a copy of it.

Etc

Is there a plan of progress they wish to see from you? Can you ask for the steps in writing so its easier to follow?

Good luck.

A diagnosis will allow the OP access to medication for a start, which for some people is life changing.

Thank you so much this is really helpful x

Thank you. People don't realise how debilitating it is. I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression from childhood, I'm 41 now and realise now that that's the reason I've been struggling so much to do what others see as easy x

If the girls move out on ss receomendation ( meaning they think the house with granny and dad is eg clean and safe and for now "better") then you will work on getting them back by addressing the house environment.it won't be the end. If the day to day is put on their dad willthis allow you to focus on putting the house in order?
But can you start small steps before 20th to show you can address the concerns. ?

There is an app called “tidy”. I use it and it gives daily tasks. I suffer with poor MH and it has really helped me get on top of things. It just gives a few tasks each day.

I think that the house needs to be your priority.

They have said this to me, and yes, it will give me time to focus and try sort everything out. But I'm just so upset at the thought of being a weekend parent. I love them so much and my whole world revolves around them. It's killing me, and despite what others think I am trying so hard.

No, I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression

Lead the conversation with 'I was asked to address these 5 areas. Here is how I addressed them. Here are the small matters that are still to be tackled and that I am addressing in x timeframe. '

Emphasise that you have been the girl's main carer for many years. When talking about the issues your girls are having eg school refusal make sure you tell them what you have done to support eg the routines you put in place for them, that you take it seriously and support getting them into school.

Highlight your concerns about the set up at their dad's.

And put your whole post into chatgpt and ask for pointers on how to handle the professionals at the meeting and what the meeting will look like.

Good luck 🍀

It can't just be down to the state of the house. Dad's living conditions are on the face of it far worse. Presumably your dds want to be at Dad's? Why did SW get involved in the first place? The best case scenario is usually sticking with the status quo, ie in your home but with some modifications. So what specifically were the modifications they asked from you?

Privately I will be able to access the medication. And im doing everything i can to make it better. But keep being angry at a stranger if that's what helps you sleep at night.

No they absolutely don't want to be there.

ADHD medication, therapy, tailored support for ADHD parents - all would be helpful. Organisation and cleanliness is a common problem for those with ADHD so you are absolutely deserving of sympathy. But sympathy doesn’t solve your problem. None of these supports are accessible right now.

You are at risk of losing custody right now. This month. So you have to focus on what you can do now.

Getting a cleaner/someone in to help you declutter would show SS very clearly that you intend to make changes.

SS do not remove children because a house is messy so there must be quite serious concerns about hygiene/physical access to beds, toilets, baths, fridges. Forget about the house looking ‘nice’ focus entirely on hygiene and access. Do you have pets? If pet faeces are one of the issues (I’m not saying it is, it’s just a really common issue) then strongly consider rehoming the pets even temporarily.

how untidy is the house? I work closely with SS in my job and there’s an extremely high threshold for intervention and even higher for a child to be removed permanently from one parent. Usually it would be extreme neglect, ie no food in fridge, dirty mattress with no bedding, animal excrement on floor, that would trigger intervention rather than an untidy slightly grubby house

Oh OP. This sounds like a terrible situation for you all. Have you had depressive disorders ruled out? Tried antidepressant medications?

How long has your house been in a mess? When you say a mess, what are we talking? I know from experience when you are overwhelmed it is really hard to start, but when you do, I promise it motivates you to carry on.

start right now. Grab a bin bag and walk around the house and throw away anything that’s rubbish.Do you and the girls have somewhere accessible to sleep? A place to wash? An area of kitchen to safely cook? If not, starts on those things next.

When I am really overwhelmed, I do things I’m 10 minute bursts. Anyone can sustain something for 10 minutes (5 if you genuinely don’t think you can manage 10) and do that’s every half an hour.

I like to take a before and after picture too, for motivation.

If it’s really bad then it may well be worth trying to get some outside help in for the sake of your girls.

You have got this OP, I am rooting for you x