Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

I’ve got ADHD so I do understand. I could clean my house to satisfy SS.
ADHD drugs are not a magic fix.
Why can’t you get an NHS diagnosis?
Your house must be quite bad if they’re considering sending them to a smokers / drug takers house without enough rooms. Although that can happen.

The only thing you can do is work with them. Have they said the 14 year will get a chance to speak ?

Not really. Long term neglect doesn't have to look as extreme as you've described in order for action to be taken. One of these children hasn't been to school for 2 years, the house has been unacceptable for the length of a social work intervention without improving - usually many months before reaching court stage. OP wants to be recognised for the positives she's made which is fair but if the children are still being neglected then a change of care arrangements may be approved by the court.

I’ve just seen your other post from last year about your DD2. The one in which you state that you’re already diagnosed with ADHD.

What have you sorted for her already? What support have you sought for her in the last 18 months? It can be difficult I know if you have ADHD yourself to try and access help for your DC but it does have to be done.

Can I ask what SS say you haven’t addressed? I know from a family member who became involved with SS through no fault of her own that they look for things like access to a toothbrush and toothpaste. Do your DD have those things? Do they have beds and clean bedding? Do you have somewhere to wash and dry their clothes and can they take a shower safely?

If someone's ADHD is so severe and debilitating that they cannot care for children, even if through no fault of their own, then the children shouldn't not be living there.

She’s about to get her kids taken off her she needs to understand the severity of this as they might never come back and at the moment she doesn’t seem capable of it.

Why were SS involved in the first place though? This all sounds more chaotic than just a messy house?!

Still not a reason to send them to a dad who uses drugs and smokes in front of them and can’t sort proper sleeping arrangements. Why isn’t dad being held to the same standards as mum ?

@wishingstaar12 the concern here is that you're pinning all your hopes on medication at some point in the future solving all your issues.
Many people don't get on with medication and even when they do it doesn't turn them into models of organisation.
Your problems are here and now and you need a here and now strategy.
That's the reality.

But one at least is of an age where their wishes count. They can't be forced to stay with Dad. And you haven't answered what was the event that caused the intervention in the first place?

Hey OP, diagnosed ADHD-er here, I am on meds which while they have been a great tool to help me manage day to day life I do still struggle with chaos, disorganization and housework. I know how hard maintaining a home is with anxiety, depression & potentially un-diagnosed ADHD. I won't lie to you, getting on top of it is going to be much more difficult than if you didn't face those barriers, but it doesn't make it impossible - I promise.

I'm aware your home may not currently be in a place where the below is useful, but I thought I'd share some of the tools I use that are non medication related to help me manage my home

1. I have a box in every room (I mean every room! inc bathroom and porch!) and anything I had a tendency to put down, so hairbrushes, keys, phone, bag, etc - goes in the box. Not on the side. Not on a counter. Not thrown on the bed. In the box. Do I still lose my car keys? Yes, but rather than turning the whole house upside down to find them if I'm using the box system...they'll be in a box!
2. Similar to the box....the laundry basket in every room! Take a jumper off in the living room? It gets thrown in the laundry basket. It doesn't mean it necessarily needs washing, it just means I don't chuck it on the floor, the sofa, on a chair etc etc.
3. Paper plates and eating leftovers out of tupperware. I know some people will hate this one, but anything I can do to save on washing up is a win in my book. Tonight for example I've got leftover pasta for dinner. I'll heat it up in the tupperware, make a bit of room for the salad and eat it straight from there, rather than transfer it to a bowl or plate.
4. I pretend my kitchen is a cafe, and at night I have a close down checklist so that the people (me) on in the morning doesn't get pissed off with the state it's been left in. My close down checklist is that the surfaces are wiped. The washing up is done and put away. The sauces and condiments are put in the cupboard. Be silly with this one! Pretend that you work in central perk or a bar or restaurant from a film or TV show while you're cleaning.
5. Don't sit down! Not forever of course, but you've just got back from the shops, you've put your bags down and you think I'll just take 5 minutes to sit and doom scroll before I put anything away. No! Don't sit down!
6. Organisation doesn't need to be perfect, but it does need to be practical. For example my baking stuff in the kitchen, is it perfectly neatly lined up in a cupboard? Absolutely not. I have a bag for life in a cupboard where I keep all my flour, sugar, baking powder etc. So if the sugar falls over and spills it doesn't matter, it's contained and isn't going to go all over the cupboard and require a deep clean. Are my spare bedsheets folded nicely? No. Once dry they're thrown in the clean bedsheet area under the duvan bed. Yes, they're creased but I don't run a hotel, who cares. Are my shoes all neatly lined up on a shoe rack? Absolutely not. They are thrown into a giant plastic tub in the porch. Aesthetic...no...practical...YES.

Again, please don't take the above as me trying to be condescending towards your struggles. Yes it's fucking difficult, but try and think of systems that you could put in place that might work for you - again don't aim for perfect, find what's practical. Good luck x

Hi OP, I am very sorry for all the emotional turmoil that you are going through but it is clear that there have been long standing involvement with ss. You have no family or friends and your children haven't been going to school. These factors alone are very worrying and detrimental to your daughters wellbeing.
I am surprised that you have been unable to access legal support.
Ultimately, as hard as it is, you need to use this opportunity to make the required changes to support increasing contact with your daughters.
Why don't you have any friends? That's not meant to hurt or criticise you but the friends I made when my son was young were those I met at the park /playground / school gates etc.
I really hope you get the support you need OP.
I presume you have had support / intervention for your mh which is crushing in itself.
Sending you strength OP for the times and opportunities ahead.

You only know what OP has said about him and if they are being neglected as badly as they seem to be then moving in with their dad and nan even temporarily is probably better for them, even if it's not 'perfect' (as no parent is)

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD

Really? But you also say on another thread:
It took me years to get my diagnosis as an adult

So you're not being truthful.

Why isn’t dad being held to the same standards as mum ?

We must bear in mind that we only have the OP's side of things here.

I know you feel you are making progress, and it must be very frustrating that you don’t think this is being taken into consideration, but SS do have to look at the overall picture and the picture you paint is frankly very bleak. Your children are out of school, the house is dirty, your life is chaotic, you are anxious and unmotivated and unable to prioritise what needs to be done. It really doesn’t sound like the place for two young children who are out of school so living this chaotic life 24/7.

I think your girls deserve better, I do wonder how much responsibility is being put on your 14 year old to deal with the everyday chaos that is contributing to her problems? She has a right to a childhood and it sounds as though between you, you and her dad have pretty much taken that away from her. Yes her dad doesn’t sound much cop as a parent either, so if they do go to live with him I hope his mother has more about her, so at least they are getting some semblance of a childhood.

They won't delay the process because the kids are living in a crap hole and missing critical education. The situation cannot go on much longer. The dad being a loser drug user won't stop the process, the kids will be removed altogether and taken to foster care if they feel dad isn't great either. Sadly both mother and father are both doing a great job of shoving their kids towards the care system.
These kids need taking to a clean, calm home, a school routine and help to repair the massive educational damage that's by a 14 year old that's been out of school two years with no attempt at homeschooling! These kids have no future if they aren't thrown a lifeline soon!

The OP isn't going to change because she wants tablets to perform a miracle! Going private isn't an instant diagnosis and instant meds! My brother and a friend have been waiting a year after diagnosis for the titration to see what strength of drugs they need and that's going private! I don't think there is any stopping those kids being taken away now because the OP says she needs a miracle drug in order to change!

There must be a lot of concern for the welfare of your children for things to have reached this stage.

However, the people on the Panel, who are ordinary people who volunteer to be Panel members and who receive training, ie they are not social workers or lawyers, should give you lots of opportunity to give your side of things. They will also take account of the views of SWs and your children as well as any other info that is available eg from your children's school/s. Will your ex or their grandmother also be there?

Have you received a copy of the papers for the hearing? If yes, you need to read them carefully to understand the concerns for the children and say what you, with support as relevant, are going to do to address them.

The Panel do not have to accept the SW recommendations but they do have to agree a plan to help the children. This can be reviewed at a set point agreed by the Panel. So, for example, if a plan is agreed for the children to stay with you but with more support for you to look after them, another hearing might then be planned to see if things are actually improving.

Your house does not need to be perfect and you do not need to be perfect. Good enough is fine. But you need to be able to show that you are putting the welfare of your children first and that you are willing to work hard to improve their current situation at home. As SW are already involved, you could describe things that you have already done to improve things, and they should be able to confirm that these have happened.But if nothing much has improved since SW has been involved, you may have problems unless you can point to types of support you haven't received which might help now.

You can tell the Panel about the concerns you have about them living with their father.

Solicitors do not normally attend Hearings but you do have a right to have your solicitor there. You may be able to get Legal Aid. The Scottish Legal Aid Board might be able to help you find a solicitor who is a specialist in this area. You can also bring a relative or friend to support you at the Hearing.

Remember that this is all about the welfare of your children. Sometimes it can be better for children to be removed from a bad situation even temporarily so that things at home can improve and then the situation can be reviewed. The Hearing is a chance for you to put your side of things in terms of what you will do to help to improve things for your children so think carefully about what you want to say. Make notes to read from if that will help. There is also a lot of info available online about how Children's Panel Hearings work.

How old are the girls?

The ages she wrote in her op, they have not got older since she wrote it,

@wishingstaar12I’m confused what is happening. You say there is a court hearing, is this private proceedings or are social services seeking a care order?

If so, there will have been notice this was coming. Probably a CP plan, letter before proceedings, you’d have been advised to get legal advice.

If it is social care seeking an order, this won’t just be about a messy house.

If private proceedings, is it your ex taking you to court? If so, there would have been an assessment for both of you.

Also in your thread that has been bumped today, you said you’d been diagnosed with ADHD and today you are saying to suspect it.
Are you really telling the truth about everything here?

I split from my daughter's dad two years ago, and like you I'm convinced I have undiagnosed ADHD, I struggled with everything, I couldn't keep on top of my house, I was late for everything, constantly forgot everything I was torture.

When we split and my daughter started spending time at her dad's and I had some time at home without her I had the time and space to address this (don't anyone jump on me for that, I absolutely love the bones of her, but trying work full time, parent full time and keep a house running had me burnt out) I had spare days to re-set the house without feeling guilty I was ignoring her, I could sleep uninterrupted which really helped and honestly for me, it was life changing.

It's meant I can spend real quality time with her, I'm calmer, less tired, I've found myself to be more organised.

I think 'weekend parent' is a label and a burden you're putting on yourself that you've failed, one which dads don't seem to have the same stigma attached to, when you haven't failed, you're probably burnt out! Can you suggest a 50/50 split with the girls dad at the hearing, rather than them going to him full time? You're trying to survive in a system you're not built for, so you're up against it, maybe some you time to re-set and re-focus is exactly what you need to get back on your feet.

I have this too and used to really struggle
to keep on top of my home. I still do to some extent but that’s more things like dusting and cleaning doors/skirting boards etc. Having children actually really made me sort myself out and find ways to cope.

Habit stacking for one, I have a robot hoover that goes off at 8:30am every morning so I know that I need to clear everything off the floor by then. Writing lists is another. Do the tidying one room a day method and write a list of what you need to do in each room so you can cross things off as you go. Have set days every week for things like the washing machine and dishwasher and put them on first thing. Get loads of storage like Kallax units so you can properly sort things out. Put your favourite music on, put your phone away and just really focus on it.

It must be really bad for your children to be taken away so you do really need to look into methods of coping. I’m not on medication but just found ways that worked for my brain.