Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

Ok you should have a copy of the report going to the Hearing, which will be very clear about the issues social work are concerned about. If you’re going to a Hearing, you’ll already have a child’s plan, what does that say about where things need to change? Social work will usually put intensive family support in place before trying to remove children - what work have they been doing and have you been able to engage with them?

I’m assuming this is a planned Hearing ie it’s not an emergency removal which means there’s been a lot of time with a lot of services involvement, if so what has tipped the balance for them to look at removal now. Have your DC been on a supervision order thus far, or are they on the CP register?

In your shoes, I’d go through their child’s plan section by section, show where you can evidence improvement and where you can evidence working with the supports in place. I’d also go with a clear request for specific support - eg I need family support to help with school routine, or environmental services to help sort the house.

Basically if you want to keep your kids living with you it’s essential that you’re honest about the issues and how they impact your children, you take ownership of those issues and you ask for focussed help. It’s one thing to say you think you have ADHD, but the reality is your kids can’t wait for you to be assessed until their living circumstances improve. They’re only young once and they need stability.

If social work are suggesting the kids live with their dad, they will have done a parenting assessment on him. If you have legitimate concerns, again you need to evidence those. Sometimes it’s a case of what’s the least worst option rather than what would be ideal, so yes if he’s deemed more stable and able, the kids could be moved.

DP has ADHD and found ways to keep himself organised. Mostly because he grew up in a house that was a tip so he grew an aversion to mess and dirt, but still - it is possible.

Have the social worker given you concrete targets? Things in the home they really think are a problem?

@wishingstaar12

OP, can you contact a solicitor who deals with this area of the law and who is local to you?

https://www.lawscot.org.uk/find-a-solicitor/

My priority would be to delay the process

I would send a very brief email to the social worker and who ever else would be concerned with safe guarding
just raise your concern with drug taking and sleep arrangements (try not to complicate it with anything else)
I would also consider reporting drug use when children are in house to the police - but if that risks children going into care I would think very seriously about that

then I would use google ai to find a charity that can help with your specific problems

good luck

basically try and delay the process of them living with ex p

This simply isn't true. I have sat in a room with mothers whose children have been taken from them in the face of clear evidence that the father is abusive, or that they take drugs, or that they haven't previously taken an interest in the children's lives. There's plentiful evidence (from reports from the Domestic Abuse Commissioner, the UN Special Rapporteur on VAW, Right to Equality charity, SHERA research network) that dads can just be 'good enough'; mothers are held to a much higher standard.
OP I'm so sorry for all you are going through. There's been some good advice on this thread about making a list of all the actions you have taken / are taking to improve things re the house and the school; about listing any concerns about the dad's accommodation; about continuing to look for a lawyer who can support you in court. I hope you can manage to do some of these things and that that, along with your love for your children and theirs for you, is accepted as sufficient basis for you to keep custody.

Right you need to sit and HONESTLY look at all the issues you have and how you plan to address them.

firstly you need to be able to say “this is what’s wrong” and then “I plan to address this by…..”

so your depression and anxiety “I acknowledge that I currently have mental health concerns and I am taking steps to address this by assessing my GP/ attending counselling/ engaging with support.” Be specific, ideally dates/ how many sessions efx

I am aware that the home conditions for my children are inadequate and currently they live in a home that is unfit. I plan to address this by- (hiring a cleaner, asking for help with getting I into a place where you can maintain it. Asking your children to help with little things -ie putting their clothes in the wash basket. Dishes in the sink etc (all age appropriate things).

it is NOT enough to simply say I know these are the issues unless you have concrete plans on how to address this and what “success” looks like.

I am a birth mum, who kept a subsequent child via a year in a mother and baby unit, so I do actually understand how hard it is to acknowledge your own failings

also do not say “it’s because of this” they sound like excuses rather than actions.

I wish you all the best.

I’m sorry it all seems overwhelming and scary.

From a practical perspective have you got the money to pay for the private prescriptions monthly if you did get assessed and prescribed medication? My concern would be that is all going to take a long time, and it sounds like you don’t have that.

unfortunately these decisions to move children aren’t taken lightly, so in their view at present your living situation for the girls is even worse than what you are worrying about at their Dad’s.

Is there any way to make sure OP is okay?

I feel for them, but I think they need to be truthful with themselves; per a 2025 thread they already have an ADHD diagnosis that took them years to get so the diagnosis itself is not the barrier. Without knowing social services' specific concerns it's hard to advise but generally you need to show with evidence how you've addressed/are addressing (not plan to in future) the concerns already raised. Additionally they need to be made very aware of the concerns re. Dad's home, plus that the girls themselves do not want to go there, testimony from them themselves as to why they wish to stay with you may also be helpful as SS should absolutely be considering the children's wants, unless the living conditions are a risk to life.
Keep things simple - bullet point responses to the concerns and don't get overly emotional, stick to the facts of the situation. I know it's hard when it's your precious children but a short while of discomfort is worth being able to keep them with you.

Im sorry you are going through this it must be very stressful.
You seem to be saying that there are 2 areas of concern that make ss think your girls will be better off at their grandparents house with their father because you are unable to keep your home in a suitable condition to keep them safe, your girls are unable to attend school and you suffer anxiety,depression and possibly ADHD.The thing is saying you love them and that you cant face being without them most of the time isnt enough,you have to put those sentiments into actions.
Look at this with a cool head,how untidy/dirty is your home? what can you do to resolve this if its the difference between keeping your girls with you or not? Could you pay someone to help clean and get you started. Could self help strategies (theres a lot online) help. List the positive things you have achieved,list what you have to do and make a start immediately.Do you have any friends that could help?
Dont focus on the failings of your DDs father, focus on improving your situation.
I hope you can get support with you ?adhd .
Good luck.

I think you need to appreciate just how serious the situation has become. Social work are not simply expressing concerns about your parenting; they are now recommending that both children move into their father's care. That is an extremely significant development, and I would be very concerned about the extent of the difficulties that have led professionals to this position.

Your eldest daughter has been out of education for approximately two years, there are longstanding concerns about the home environment, and you acknowledge difficulties maintaining basic household routines. These are not minor issues, particularly when considered cumulatively. Whilst suspected ADHD may help explain why you struggle, it does not remove the impact these difficulties may be having on your children. Their needs must remain the priority.

I would also be cautious about placing too much emphasis on obtaining an ADHD diagnosis and medication before the hearing. Even if medication ultimately helps you enormously, professionals need to see evidence of meaningful and sustained improvements in your children's circumstances now, rather than assurances about what might improve in the future.

That said, I would absolutely challenge any recommendation to transfer the children to their father without a proper assessment of his parenting capacity, accommodation and the concerns you have raised about substance use. His suitability should be scrutinised just as carefully as yours. Your daughters' wishes, particularly those of your 14-year-old, should also be properly considered.

I would be asking social work precisely what support has been offered to help you address the identified concerns, what measurable improvements they require, and why they believe a change of residence is necessary rather than a properly supported plan to keep the children safely in your care.

Please make obtaining specialist Scottish legal advice an absolute priority before the 20th. You need someone who understands the Children's Hearings system and can scrutinise the evidence and recommendations.

I don't doubt that you love your daughters, but love and being their primary carer historically are not, on their own, sufficient to demonstrate that their needs are currently being met. Equally, struggling with your mental health or a possible neurodevelopmental condition should not automatically mean losing their care. The question is whether the concerns can be addressed safely, with appropriate support, and whether the proposed alternative is genuinely better for the children.

Hi OP,

I understand that you feel that an adhd diagnosis and access to medication will help you function better. Because this is going to take time you will need to try and do what you can just now.

1. get a solicitor. A family solicitor should be easily accessible.
2. Have your house immaculate before the hearing. I suspect that there are more worries - however, improving housing conditions is a quick and easy fix. It might not feel this way to you but it is something you can control.
3. start in the kitchen and move on to bedrooms. Your children’s rooms should be clean, tidy with clean bedding. The kitchen should be clear of clutter with adequate worktop space for preparing meals.

You cannot wait for a diagnosis to make the changes you need to make.

This is what I thought. And at the risk of being piled onto, at the age of 14 why isn’t DD being asked to do some household tasks to help OP ?

@Wildgoat I had a child out of school for two years myself, there was no social care involvement, no referrals made, because I fought for the support dd needed so she had good support at home from CAMHS and a tutor in the home twice weekly funded by the LA. Dd eventually went back to a different school. It's a perfect storm a depressed anxious parent, hard to come by services for children's mental health and a home not up to scratch. The easiest thing to address is the home which would make parent more comfortable with services in the home for the children.

OP if you have ADHD/burnout/MH issues to the point that you can really barely function (as do I) then systematise everything you can. You can't overcome ADHD by pushing yourself harder etc, as I'm sure you have found - your policy needs to be removing friction. For example

• can't cope with washing dishes? cook freezer food on tinfoil and eat it off paper plates
• rooms strewn with rubbish? put a bin (lined with a carrier bag) in every single room in your house
• Have a designated "random crap basket" in each room where you can dump random crap rather than leaving it strewn around
• Keep the clothes airer out all the time and do small, manageable loads of laundry which aren't a ballache to hang up

To those who have never had incapacitating burnout/unmanaged ADHD it this will sound ridiculous, but it is a survival strategy

Your other aim is to break down overwhelming jobs into manageable chunks. For example, if I decide that I am going to clean my flat, nothing happens. Too overwhelming, don't know where to begin. But if I decide that i am going to vacuum the living room and take the kitchen bin out, I can get those done.

Have one big blitz where you chuck out as much stuff as possible, get things clean and set up some systems that will help you function a bit better.

Apologies if some one has mentioned Advocacy, I don't have a lot of knowledge around this and not in Scotland but I wonder if one could help? This is just a list of services in Scotland. I hope you get sorted x

www.siaa.org.uk/find-an-advocate/?utm_source=chatgpt.com

Is SS involved because your children aren’t in school? Or are there other reasons?

Has your older dd had therapy to work out why she’s anxious and refused school for years? An ADHD diagnosis for yourself should be at the very bottom of your priority list

Can you afford to pay for medication privately? If not it will be a long wait. It can take a very long time, months and up to a year to get the correct medication at the right dossage and even then medication helps but it won’t solve all the issues.

I feel like you’re making it sound not bad here which doesn’t match having your children removed. You don’t need to tell us the truth but you need to admit it to yourself.

Fire up ChatGPT. Tell it you have executive dysfunction from adhd, tell it how you are and why you can’t tidy, what you’ve tried before. Tell it you’re overwhelmed n on the brink of losing your kids. Tell it you want it to work as a PA or life coach one step at a time to turn things around. Even two mins a day.

then get on insta and watch some videos like these to realise it’s quite common & see how 5 - 10 mins a day decluttering/cleaning all adds up - and is doable

https://www.instagram.com/elizabeth_adhd?psln=dzdkZmpsZnYzM3I5

Try n compartmentalise everything going on. Take the emotion out of it. Kids going to live with dad or staying with you, irrelevant. That one declutter a day job still needs doing. Pick the thing your brain says yes to even if it’s not the thing you feel you SHOULD be doing. Eg I can’t face cleaning my toilet but I can face sorting my daughters hair accessory collection n making it pretty for her. It all builds momentum. Sometimes u gotta spark that dopamine to get going.

legal aid - maybe u need to task yourself with a full morning that you commit to only this task. Spreadsheet of legal firms (again ChatGPT could help compile this) and you phone down the list. Every 5 calls you can make a cuppa, get a biscuit etc. but you have to go back to the list after

I’m sorry you’re struggling. It’s hard.

Here are some solicitors with experience in this field, and offer Legal Aid
https://rutherfordsheridan.co.uk/

https://www.lisaraelaw.com/

https://www.csglegal.co.uk/

https://www.bckmsolicitors.co.uk/

But most people don't instruct a solicitor for a children's hearing. If you go on your own, write down notes of what you want to say

The threshhold for removing a child due to the state of the house is v high, so I'm confident we're not just talking about a bit of mess / get pals in to help tidy over the weekend

If the panel do make an order for the children to move to live with their Dad, then -

(1) ask for contact with the children
(2) ask for clear guidance of what it would take to get the children back home with you
(3) perhaps ask for an early review. Compulsory supervision orders are typically 12 months (that's the maximum) but you can ask for an earlier review hearing, to demonstrate changes you've made

FYI, I believe that some people spend £££ on ADHD assessment, only to discover their GP doesn't offer shared care, therefore GP won't prescribe medication the private expert has recommended. So, be careful about that

I mean this kindly but no amount of meds is going to clean your home.

As difficult as it is, start tidying, just a small corner to start with and keep going with it. Treat it like a big project broken down into little chunks.

E.g set your alarm for an hour, grab some black bins and spend one hour bagging up rubbish.

Then, sit and chill, watch an episode of your favourite show, have a cuppa etc.

Keep repeating the above and you'll be amazed at how much you can achieve in just a few days.

Where do you live . Can you put a post on fb asking for help . I am always blown away by the amount of people offering help when people are struggling. It might be useful explaining if your house is cluttered , untidy , if you are a hoarder etc

How long have you been open to children social care?.

A formal diagnosis of ADHD isn't a priority if you know that you almost certainly have ADHD or similar, and you don't need to wait for medication etc to try ways of improving your day-to-day functioning in the meantime. Medication isn't necessarily a miracle or something that you get right first time anyway. Please don't live in a freeze state waiting for ADHD medication to swoop in and solve everything alone, because it almost certainly won't.

All these messages are going to be overwhelming for op
And hard for to come back to face
I do actually understand it
Things have been very bad in my life
It took me a long long time to figure out no one was coming to rescue me
And I never had the luxury of kind caring involved parents
And when you haven't been properly parented as a child it leaves you vulnerable to mental health issues as an adult.
Then add in ADHD ..and it's a recipe for disaster
Op must be so worried
I guess if the children's dad were going to help op he would do ,or would of done by now .
I just can't believe ss think a pot head is better for these girls than the op

Can't the council and social services pay for a one off deep clean and then you just keep on top of it after that?