Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

Look, we aren’t going to get an objective picture here. SW do not remove children from one parent to another parent’s without a very very strong case.

So if you want proper advice on this thread, just be honest. Properly properly honest.

It's not about you though . It's what is best for your daughters. No one doubts you love them but they need more . The fact that despite intervention you are unable to address the issues with their living environment. SS wouldn't remove DCs unless the home is in serious disarray . And your girls can't wait while it remains like that . The fact that SS are willing to place them with their father and grandmother speaks a lot . It might not be a perfect set up but it's better than being with you in their opinion .

Work with them , do whatever they ask , keep in contact and if circumstances change there is a possibility they may be allowed to reside with you .

Why are social services involved? Who referred you?

The threshold for SS involvement is ridiculously high so they won't be involved just because of you have a messy house?

What are the list of issues/concerns? Write them down and bullet points your response underneath it with what actions you're taking.

You can see how much you love your kids through this post. I really hope it works out for you all.

If the house is the issue then the house needs to be your focus. I know someone who had their child removed temporarily due to the home conditions and honestly the threshold is high, Yes it is hard but that is the reality of what needs to be done if you want them to stay in your care.

You are seriously at risk of your children being taken away. Reflect on that.

Honestly, with respect, as someone who has adhd and is on MN right now procrastinating, the fear of dc being taken away would be something that would kick my arse into gear so fast.
ask SS for a plan.

• what targets do I need to hit and by when to keep DDs.
• what support is available to help me hit these targets.
• if I lose dd what steps can I take to get them back - is it a permanent loss or temporary loss.
• has ex been assessed. I am concerned around sleeping arrangements and drug use, please can you confirm in writing that these things have been assessed and are deemed safe.

Then you have a plan and you know where you stand.
and you need to just clean your house. I know ‘just do it’ is hard with adhd but you can’t just not ever do anything for that reason. It must be really bad for ss to be involved. Perhaps if you tell people here what’s wrong they can help you make a plan.
you could try the pomodoro method. Or literally every time you stand up throw 5 things away. Or whilst you’re waiting for the kettle clean one thing. Set a timer or play one song you like and clean whatever you can see, or clear one tiny space in the house during that 3 minute song. Just start making any steps you can.

I don’t think you should be focusing on a diagnosis either if you have to save up for months to get a diagnosis, you’ll have to save up for months to pay for medication too. It doesn’t seem like a feasible solution at this point. Dc need you now though. Maybe put the money you’ve saved into a company that can come and do a huge deep clean on your house.

How bad is the house really? I was in a massive hoard as a child and still not removed

This. I can’t help but fear you are minimising both the physical environment you are living in and the chaotic lifestyle resulting from this. If your ex home life is seen as better it does not reflect well on yours. You seem very certain of an adhd diagnosis, but not all those diagnosed need medication or respond well to it. Are you already on medication for anxiety and depression? Do your dds need to act as your carer and might this contribute to their mh issues and school attendance. How old are your dds? Work with all those involved in your case and ask for specific targets(you may have them already) if you are to avoid them being relocated.

@ @wishingstaar12 this is bluntly put but is at the heart of your situation.
Whether you have ADHD or not, a diagnosis and medication won't be magic bullets. You still have to take positive action to change things.
If your DCs father's living arrangements as you describe them are considered better than yours, there must be a major problem.
If you've saved some money you could pay for a cleaning service that specialise in this sort of situation to sort your house out. And then make a real effort from there to keep it reasonable. Or you could pay for a direct access barrister to represent you at the hearing in the hope they can find a more favourable argument to put forward.

Your absolute priority is to get a solicitor so you can be represented at the hearing and get some advice. I’m not in Scotland but I’m pretty sure there will be someone suitable to represent you. I don’t know them but it looks like a good start might be phoning these people sclc.org.uk/

If you are diagnosed with depression you must be taking sone medication. Why not try an snri because they are helpful for people with ADHD. You haven’t said where you are in proceedings? A TAC is not pre care proceedings. You need to sort the house out and your children need to be attending school- I recognise that is difficult but a very messy and dirty house plus non attendance will be causing professionals concern. You haven’t said what else they have raised but I would look through all of the plans and begin sorting through it. It would easier for you to sort the house if the kids were at school.

ADHD medication helps some, but it is not some magical fix. There is such a high threshold for removal due to unsuitable living conditions that I think you need to be honest this isn’t just adhd. Instead of blaming everything on adhd and saving for private medication, spend that money on a cleaning service and get your home under control.

Absolutely no one has posted anything cruel

I have late diagnosed autism and ADHD and I'm finally on ritalin at 53
No it hasn't changed my life ,or made me more able to clean my house
I've had a horrendous time trying to actually get help from social services, despite my son being extremely violent ss were reluctant to get involved
The threshold for their involvement is very high imho
Life with ADHD depression anxiety and children..is very very difficult
However they are your responsibility
You can't just say oh my house is mess I have ADHD when you have children.
It must be an absolute state if it has involved social services
How. On earth is the thought of loosing your beautiful daughters to a pot head not spuring you in to action .
On social media there are ladies who clean people's houses for free ,houses that have got in an absolute state ..your situation..about to lose your children,would definitely be something they could help you with .
There must be a way to connect with them and ask for help .
Do social services know your daughter's won't have a bedroom at dads ,it's totally inappropriate they share a room with him
But honestly,from one mum to another...you absolutely must pull yourself together and sort out what social services are unhappy with
You can turn this a around if you really try ..the alternative doesn't bare thinking about

Bin bags and get rid of as much stuff as you can. The more stuff you have, the harder it is to keep it clean and tidy. So massively declutter and go really bare bones with your wardrobe, your cutlery and dishes. You want to basically have to wash and clean stuff before it can even build up, so enough dishes for one meal but then you’re forced to wash them for the next one, etc. And don’t fall into the trap of ‘oh I’ll keep that and sell it on Vinted’. You won’t. Chuck it. If you have the spare money, pay for someone to come in and help you get rid of a bunch of stuff for a few hours and take bags to the tip.

Potentially having ADHD doesn’t help but you need to put strategies in place, people with ADHD have to do this regardless of diagnosis or not. You are self-aware enough to know how your ADHD stops you doing certain things, so you have to come up with strategies and methods to help you.

Which makes me wonder @wishingstaar12 if it’s not just about the house but it’s what we’re focusing on on the thread.

You and your children sound isolated. They don’t go to school, they don’t see their father or his family, you don’t see your family and say you have no friends. You have depression and anxiety. What support are you getting for your mental health?

Just sending you a hug and hope you find some support .

Practically I'd concentrate on hygiene ie kitchen and bathroom first . Go in with a timer set for an hour and do as much as you can in the time . Don't leave until the timer rings ! Do this everyday , you'll be surprised how much you can do in an hour . Play some music while you're cleaning .

Can you get legal aid ?

The thing is some people need to be told bluntly and it does seem to be the case here given that you know the issue is your home and you haven’t sorted it out. Instead you are more interested in getting diagnosis which really needs to be more of a longer term plan.
Nobody here is being cruel, they are being honest.

I'm a social worker in England so things may be different. In England a hearing would not go ahead without legal advice (unless a private matter but it sounds like this is social services taking it to court not ex), there'd be duty solicitors available in the court if required.
Have you been in touch with Adult Social Care, again I'm in England so may be different. We follow Care Act legislation, based on what you said- poor mental health (disability or illness impacting your functioning) unable to fulfill caring responsibilities for a child or maintain your home to a suitable standard (2 eligible needs), you would be entitled to an assessment from adult social care and potentially a care package to meet those needs. So it's definitely worth exploring.
Are home conditions the only issue? If so and you can't get support from adult social care can you buy in your own support? There are people in my area who will support with hoarding and self-neglect. Some cleaners will want a tidy home to clean but some specialise in helping those who have really struggled.

Are you engaging with the lea and whatever school they are enrolled at ..
That will be ringing alarm bells if not
You absolutely must be pushing the lea to sort out alternative education for your girls .
The lea will leave it and not provide education if left to their own devices
You need to be like a dog with a bone to get the correct education,you can't sit back and just leave the girls or girl at home doing nothing
If this is the situation,that will also explain ss involvement

What does your 14 year old want? At that age I would have though that her views would be important . The situation at their father's house do not sound ideal especially for a teenage girl .

I think that you might find it helpful to have the space to get the house tidy. Also as a parent you need to present as being in control & SS might be concerned that your depression & anxiety is not good for the girls to see. They need you to be able to support them, rather than you being the one needing support.

Do you work? I have two children but work is very busy & so they’re not my only focus. I think you might be relying too much on them. You say you have no friends or family which is difficult for all of you.

I think it sounds very intense if your eldest isn’t going to school. I imagine that this would be something to trigger social services involvement. It’s not healthy for a 14-yo to be home all day & not learning or spending time with friends. What are the plans for her future if she has no qualifications? That will be a concern for services, there is an increase in young people being NEET & potentially never working.

An ADHD diagnosis and medication might help some, but theyre not going to be a magic cure and they're not going to help in the time frame you need them to help within. You need to prioritise crisis planning - pay for a cleaner. Watch some of the free clean videos on tiktok and follow their strategies - they have some really helpful ways of working through huge amounts of mess and dirt. You need to make sure your children are attending school, all the time. And if you're reacting to social care like you are on here, then they'll have you pinned as dysregulated and unable to respond sensibly to constructive guidance (even though it isnt what you want to hear) and you will end up with your kids living elsewhere for a more stable environment. Focus on the right things, right now - ADHD is not it.

What do you actually mean by children's hearing? Are you officially in pre proceedings? If so, the meeting and letter should've very clearly put the concerns down. If you are in pre proceedings, you really need legal advice. Has the social worker been made aware you have no legal representation yet?