Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

Anyway .. sending love and support op
Really really hoping you update us with good news
That you have bought bin bags and rubber gloves and together you and your lovely girls are tackling the mess xxx

You need to write down what needs doing. Take one thing on the list and deal with it. Break everything down into smaller tasks. One room at a time, one surface at a time. Be ruthless with decluttering. Much easier to clean with less stuff. Can the children help with the cleaning?

I’ve helped my friend who has ADHD with her house - a bit of a DIY stacey Solomon sort your life out and it really helped my friend. She was in such a mess and her daughter had told the teacher “mummy’s house is a mess I’m not allowed to invite friends for tea” (She was a boarderline hoarder) and it escalated from buying bargains thinking they’d be useful atsome point for example she had about 80 rolls of Christmas wrap when Asda reduced it down to 10p a roll, the same with Christmas cards. social services got involved and she benefitted from the early help team and I worked with her (and them)

we literally emptied everything out room by room and helped her (me and my sister with some other mum friends) and she got there and I think sometimes, people underestimate all of this and how it can effect people.

Isn't there anyone else they could live with. There's little hope for them with either parent by the sounds of it.

I'm not in Scotland but presumably the removal of your DD's means there are some serious / severe concerns that have been raised (or identified at some point?). It can't just be down to having a messy house?

@wishingstaar12 are you willing to say exactly why your DD's could be removed and who has identified these reasons?

where we are (and assume it’s the same nationwide) ADHD medication currently has an 18m waiting list (this was from a private diagnosis 2 months ago)

OP I have really severe ADHD and I'm almost completely unable to clean or tidy without meds. They were life changing for me - things that had been impossible became quite easy instantaneously (I know it's not guaranteed to work for everyone but it worked for me). I had to come off them due to another condition frustratingly and I'm lucky I now have a partner who's happy to do everything as I wouldn't manage on my own at all without meds (we don't have kids as I know I couldn't look after them). Too many people still don't understand what severe ADHD is and that it can't usually be overcome to any real degree with effort and will power. I think you need to try to get outside help until you're able to potentially access medication. What's your financial situation like? Can you afford a cleaner? Do you get PIP or anything? Do you work? Definitely see if there's any help available through the authorities if you can't access anything privately.

Unnecessarily harsh.

It is as simple as that, and I have ADHD.

One job at a time. One room at a time. You just have to buckle down and do it. Set a timer if you have to. Give yourself 30 minutes to do a job. Take a 15 minute break - with the timer. Set the timer again to 30 minutes and do the next job(s). Get a room done today.

OP, have you looked here:

https://frg.org.uk/

NB I'm unable to say if they're active in Scotland- there may be ab equivalent if not.

I think you need to acknowledge how bad things must be, including the state of your home, to have social workers involved. Until you do that, nothing will change for you. There are many single/lone parents here who work full time and are not as on top of things as they'd like, but whose homes are still clean and safe and who do not have SS involvement in their lives. Why have you never sought diagnosis or researched resoruces for managingbyour situation better before if there has been input for years? Why do your children not help?

If SS think your children would be better off with their deadbeat father, please take this as a massive wake-up call and do more than try to improve things.

It sounds like you have a much milder form of ADHD that some of us. For people with severe ADHD, it's a disability rather than a condition and some things will be more or less impossible without medication. That's why some people qualify for PIP with ADHD while most wouldn't.

Sorry op, it is more than just a dirty house. It is extremely last resort for courts in Scotland to remove children. It must be v negligent behaviour on your part.
It would be in your dds best interest to be apart from you until you can get the help you need.
I wish you luck x

THIS is more important than the state of your home imo! Getting some sort of education in place for your DDs should take priority then address the state of your home. Your SW should surely be involved with getting an educational plan in place.

Somehow I don’t think OP will be back to this thread, she clearly expected positive (!!) feedback on how hard she was ‘trying’, not the honest feedback she has received.
And I suspect the ‘support’ ( such an overused word!) that she hopes for is in fact other people to solve the problems for her rather than help her access appropriate resources to self manage issues in the long term.

In some areas you might find volunteer groups that might help with your house they are often Christian groups and their ultimate aim is to attract you into their church so keep that in mind but converting isn’t necessary to get their help.

It might be worth approaching any small Christian charities in your town to ask if they know of any support. Also find your nearest churches and approach the ministers/pastors. Worst case there isn’t anything locally but you never know.

Good luck, my young adult son is undiagnosed ADHD, he’s found a way to manage work without medication but I fear for the state of his home when he moves out. I suspect I’ll have to provide practical support for my lifetime.

Where abouts are you based? If Bucks then I can DM you some places that might be able to support you.

The medication costs over £100 a month if accessed privately. Surely if you can't afford a cleaner you can't afford that?

First question what in particular about the house is the problem? Be specific so I can try to help with practical solutions.

Are you perimenopausal ?
This makes ADHD 10 times worse. Look at the broader range of peri symptoms if they apply then request HRT from the GP there are ways to advocate for yourself to do this.
Use youtube to access hypnotherapy mediation and breath work for your anxiety and depression. Can you access therapy of any kind?
Small steps will make all the difference here. Feel free to tag me to talk through any options available to you.

This is the attitude which could lead to your children going to live with their dad (not losing them, they will still have contact). People here are trying to help just as the social workers are but you want a magic pill to cure you without making any effort.

@wishingstaar12 op i understand that things are very hard for you. And when the good bits are not acknowledged. It makes you feel hopeless and like trying doesn't matter.

I get the ADHD thing as well. I'm looking into this myself although I'm still learning about it.

I myself have had really bad problems with house work my house has been absolutely awful. Im talking not being able to see the floor. Dirty rubbish, Dirty clothes kitchen piled up with dirty plates over flowing bins.
I didn't have social services involved but they have been in my house on several occasions because of my adult dds situation that has sometimes pushed me to get it done. Because I knew it couldn't be seen in such a mess.

I know a friend of my dd's house was much worse than mine. No carpets/flooring actual grime everywhere bathroom was unusable no proper bedding rotting food. Its really to much to explain. This person did have social services involved due to her house. She had to work with social services to get her house into a reasonable condition. Not just right Not perfect but reasonable. If she hadn't her kids would have been taken.

I get its hard I really do . I know its not that easy. But the risk pg loosing your children need to outweigh that.

When my house was really bad once I litterly threw everything away. I didn't even sort it. Apart from paper work /furniture/white goods/consoles/TV i binned everything do i could start again with a clean slate.

I too don’t think the OP will be back. It looks as though she may have deleted her account.

Just in cas you are still reading @wishingstaar12, please go to the GP tomorrow and ask for a review of your medication and email the SW to tell them that you haven’t got a Solicitor for the hearing.

I can understand you feeling under attack, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is a very common symptom of ADHD, I have both. I think it’s important to understand RSD and try to understand that when people offer advice, you aren’t under personal attack, although it can very much feel like it.

As I’ve said, I have ADHD and we’ve experienced EBSA too. Both are difficult and I wish you and your DDs the best of luck

I feel for you so much, I wish I could come over and clean your house for you! I would have been devastated at the mere prospect of anyone trying to take my kids away.

That said, I am sure you see that "trying hard" just isn't enough, if nothing changes. Reading between the lines, their situation doesn't sound good. The house is dirty enough to warrant social service's concern, one child is refusing school and the other is sick and not going to school. Perhaps something does need to change. Perhaps being a weekend mum for a while will give you the chance to focus on learning how to keep your space clean, fighting for legal aid and getting your ADHD diagnosis. Perhaps a change of scene will give your eldest the will to try school again.

I have inattentive adhd so I do kind of understand. You have to try to stop thinking 'Once I get medication everything will be fine' because it means you're putting things off. Unfortunately keeping a home clean and tidy is hard work and you have to accept that and get on with it. You have to develop systems. I have a checklist on my phone and it's very very long. Every single thing I need to do or remember goes on the list in time order. Then you don't look at the whole list...if things are really bad you take one task, you do it and then you tick it off.

But first you have to sort out the clutter, clean and find a home for everything. The only way out of this mess is to put in a lot of hard work right now, not in the future when you have medication, when the weather is nice, when you're feeling happy etc. Just do it now or you'll lose your girls.