Terrified of losing my kids

[wishingstaar12]

Looking for advice from other mums, particularly anyone who has been through social work involvement and a Children's Hearing in Scotland. ❤️

I'm sorry this is such a long post, but I'm really struggling at the moment and could do with some honest advice from people who might understand what I'm going through.

I'm a mum to two girls, and social work have been involved with our family for some time. We have a Children's Hearing coming up on the 20th, and I'm absolutely terrified about what might happen.

At a recent Team Around the Child meeting, I found the discussion very difficult. I felt that the focus was mainly on everything that isn't going well, rather than acknowledging the things I've been trying to improve. My social worker has now told me that they intend to recommend that both girls live with their dad.

I've been a single parent for the majority of my girls' lives. Before social work became involved, their dad saw them approximately twice a month and offered very little practical support. He refused to help when I was struggling, so the day-to-day responsibility for raising the girls, managing the household and meeting their needs fell on me.

As far as I'm aware, no assessment of their dad has been carried out, despite social work now recommending that the girls live with him. This concerns me, particularly given his historically limited involvement in their day-to-day lives. I feel that both parents' circumstances, their ability to meet the girls' needs and the practicalities of such a significant change should be properly considered.

I understand that circumstances can change and that the focus has to be on what is best for the girls. I'm not trying to suggest their dad shouldn't be considered, but I do feel that the history of who has actually cared for them and whether a proper assessment has taken place are important factors. As well as other factors, like him smoking both cigarettes and drugs in the house while the children are there. Also he still lives at home with his mum, and the girls don't have a bedroom there. The social worker bought him a bunk bed for the girls when they're at his but he put it in his bedroom and the youngest (6) sleeps in there with him and my eldest (14) sleeps on a blow up bed I the living room. The room that was meant to be for the girls is used as his smoking room..

One of the main concerns social work have raised is the condition of my home. I know that the housework and keeping on top of the home environment are things I struggle with. I'm not trying to deny that there are problems or make excuses for them. I know things need to improve, and I'm trying to address them.

I strongly suspect I have undiagnosed ADHD, which I believe could be contributing to my difficulties with organisation, motivation, routines and managing everyday tasks. I'm not formally diagnosed or receiving treatment for ADHD at the moment, but I'm actively looking into getting assessed privately as i cant get an assessment through NHS.

My mental health has also been a struggle. I have anxiety and depression, and the ongoing social work involvement and fear of losing my children have put me under an enormous amount of pressure. I'm trying to manage my mental health, engage with professionals and make improvements while dealing with everything that is happening.

My older daughter has severe anxiety and has struggled to attend school for a long time. She has been out of school for approximately two years, and this is not a straightforward situation where I can simply insist she goes in and everything will be fine. I've been trying to work with the people involved to find a way forward for her.

My younger daughter had been attending school regularly until she became unwell recently. I've been working with the school around arrangements to help her attend, including adjustments to make things easier for her.

I have been attending meetings and hearings, engaging with professionals and trying to make improvements at home and with the girls' routines. I'm not saying everything is perfect, because it isn't. I know there are things I need to work on, and I'm willing to do that. What I find difficult is feeling that the progress I'm making is being overlooked and that the focus is always on what I'm getting wrong.

My girls are my whole world. I've been their main carer for years, and the thought of them being removed from my care is devastating. I want to do whatever I reasonably can to make things better for them and for our home. I'm not claiming to be a perfect parent, but I love my children and want the opportunity to address the concerns and get the right support.

I've also been trying desperately to get legal advice before the hearing on the 20th, but so far I've been unsuccessful. I've contacted solicitors and tried to find someone who can help with Children's Hearings and legal aid, but I've had no luck securing advice or representation. I'm now facing a hearing that could have a huge impact on our family without having managed to get proper legal advice.

I'm not looking for people to tell me I'm perfect or that social work are automatically wrong. I want honest, constructive advice from people who understand how difficult these situations can be.

I'm frightened, overwhelmed and trying my best to find a way forward for my girls. I know I have things to work on, and I want to work on them, but I also want to make sure the full picture is being considered.

Please be kind. I'm already struggling enough, and I'm genuinely just looking for advice, support and some guidance about what I can do next. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this. ❤️

All these suggestions re the house will have been made repeatedly by SS

I'm sorry you are going through this OP.

I too have difficulty keeping a tidy house. I put the dishwasher on each day, wash all worktops down, bleach the toilet at night and clean it, wipe down around the sink and bath every night, run the hoover over once a week, and mop the bathroom and kitchen floors each evening. My messy home comes from having too much stuff, and not a home for everything. I look at things and can't see where they need to go. I had a cleaner for a while but had to let her go after she decided to rearrange my office and went through confidential papers. I really need to get one again. Someone who can tidy and clean. There are ones out there who do this. You'd be better spending what money you've saved so far for a private ADHD assessment to be spent on a team who can come in and blitz your house in a day.

Be Honest. What state is your house in? Do your children have clean beds to sleep in? A hygienic kitchen? A clean bathroom and toilet? or is it a squalid living condition? The threshold for removing children is high, so it must be quite bad.

Will you try the app I posted? Or try any of the suggestions posted on this thread? If not, I’m unsure why you have posted really.

Short bursts of cleaning/tidying. Start with areas that are realm concerns to SS. So bathrooms, beds, pet areas, kitchen.

Do you feel able to do that?

Regardless of whether you have ADHD or not, you have GOT to find the motivation to clean your house. I have worked extensively with social care and families at CIN and CP level and the standard must be pretty dire for this to be an ongoing issue. These are your children, sort the house out and clear that off the action plan x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this 💐
I strongly suggest you contact Pause, it’s a charity that specialises in supporting people at risk of having children removed by social services.
www.pause.org.uk

As your eldest is 14 could you clean the house together? The youngest could also help.

Is the mess and your children’s school attendance the only reason?
is it a hoarder level of mess? If it’s a really severe mess could a TikTok cleaner such as clean with Bea be contacted? I’d offer to help you but I’m too far away.
There was a neighbour where I used to live who had SS involvement for the mess, they were very good actually, bought her dc new beds and wardrobes and got a skip for the rubbish, have your LA not offered such support?

You need a solicitor. If you haven't already, ring children 1st parent line or one parents family Scotland with help getting a solicitor.

Hoarding UK and hoarding disorders UK both provide advice and support to sort out your house. The advice is usually to start with a small area as a room is to overwhelming e.g. to clear a chair and keep that clear, and then slowly expand. But therapy can also help.

Since your dad's mum also lives in the house, social services will be looking at how they would both care for the girls. So even if their dad was a bit rubbish, if his mum took good care of them, then they would accept it. But it's to get them out of the home environment and to show you can clear and keep the house clean.

But please contact the charities and say yes to any help. I know it's hard and humiliating, but it's for the sake of your kids.

Good luck.

Please don’t hang all of your hopes on ADHD medication. It is not life changing for everybody and will not suddenly make everything you find difficult easy. Medication has definitely been of some benefit to me, I am less impulsive and my head feels clearer when I am on it and I have more energy but it hasn’t really helped my organisation or ability to stay on top of housework etc at all. It does help with focus but not necessarilly the things I need to be focused on and so I can still forget important things. I really thought that medication would be the solution I needed to have a tidy house, to be in a routine, to be organised and more productive but it hasn’t worked like that at all for me. I’m not saying it hasn’t been helpful in some areas because it has, but it definitely hasn’t been life changing and I am still having to look
for other strategies to help me manage the day to day things I find difficult.

I have ADHD yes it’s hard to get motivated but if I had a social worker coming in an hour I would have a gush of motivation and my house would be sparkling clean in half an hour, that pressure usually gives you a power boost.

I also thought meditation would change my life - it didn’t.

My advice to you because it works for me so worth a try is get on top of it, you don’t need loads of stuff - chuck it all out and then have a quick 10 minute re-set each night where you pick anything up that is out and put it away, it’s easier to tidy when there’s not much to do.

Daily, spray and wipe down kitchen sides making sure all sides are clear, buy a spray mop for kitchen floor it takes about 5 minutes to do floor and sides and kitchen is most important.
Buy bathroom wipes and wipe around 30 seconds a day then you only need to do a proper clean once a week and it will take minutes because it’s been kept on top of already.

Get kids to help with lounge, pick up anything that’s been left out and put it away, I have a lightweight shark vacuum that’s wireless and can go over the lounge in 2 minutes

Get everyone to put their washing in the laundry basket so you only need to shove it in the machine and when it’s done get each to put their washing away, saves you loads of time.

Everyone cleans their own bedroom, picks up toys, makes own bed and you just give it a deeper clean once a week when you vacuum properly upstairs and change bedding.
Get in the habit of when you see a dirty mark get if there and then, it doesn’t have to be spotless but keeping on top of it means you can just spend a few minutes a day on a quick reset and only actually have to spend an hour or so once a week on deeper cleaning.

One last bit of advice, put some upbeat music on while you do it for an added boost of energy or ring a friend and chat while you do it to take your mind off the jobs.

Even with a diagnosis your house must be severely hazardous to life for SS to even consider taking your kids off you

can you ask for a clean up team to help you on social media there are free cleaners , sny family or friends to help “ the good gym “ are a team of volunteers who do physical tasks for those in need ,

You haven't answered the question as to why SS are involved, however, presumably the school have flagged neglect.

Dirty / untidy house
Lack of routine
MH of the children
Persistent school refusal

I think you need to focus on what you should do to get well yourself. Once you're on a more even keel, you children will be able to live with you.

Op. Your focus needs to be on what you need to do to keep your children. Their dad’s house doesn’t sound suitable but if he’s granted custody it will because his is a better set up that yours.

I helped a relative who had social care involvement because of home conditions. A health professional raised a safeguarding concern. I had cleaned there previously but it wasn't maintained so I funded a cleaner who worked with people with MH conditions. She was incredible because not only did she clean and organise she also got them cleaning alongside her. She gave them easily maintained routines to put in place. Social Care dropped all involvement once living conditions were up to scratch and I funded the cleaner's fortnightly visit for a while. It's a couple of years now and whilst it's no show home the house is reasonably clean and tidy and the areas that need to be hygenic are hygenic. If you have money saved use it now to get your house in order, get a cleaner that is a priority above any ADHD dx.

As you have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression is there any charitable organisations you could turn to to help you get your house up to scratch contact mind or such and explain how your struggling and need some help
Are the social services sympathetic to your situation they may be able to put you on to an organisation that could help with the home as a one off
Hope things get sorted for you and your daughters

I have ADHD (unmediated) and last year I got a cleaner and it was the best thing I have done.

Can you pay someone to help you keep your house tidy? Also whilst waiting for an assessment, start taking Lions Mane. I bought some drops from Amazon and I feel like a different woman when taking them.

You mean you're not going to interact with people who question you or disagree with you. Children do not get taken off parents for just having a messy house so there is something missing here.

Honestly there’s no point posting here. These threads always end with ops getting lambasted.

Whether you’re telling the full truth or not only you know no one here does. You know what you’ve got to fix. Do NOT under any circumstances argue or become aggressive with social services be nice and agreeable and do everything they ask whether that’s tidying your house going on parenting courses, drinking less etc etc. that’s all you can do

Just do what they say

Medication will help you but at the end of the day, the change has to come from you and it will take monumental effort. Take it from someone with 4 kids, depression, anxiety and ptsd. The medication is a drop in the bucket.

You're focusing on the wrong thing. You have to be able to keep an adequate home despite struggling. Otherwise your girls are living in neglect. As much as it isn't your fault, any more than it was my fault, it is our problem to solve.

The amount of times I've cried my eyes out while hoovering or washing up is many, the amount of times I've cleaned their rooms and left my own a tip, countless. I had to do it as my kids would be getting home and need dinner and a home that isn't a health hazard. You have to force yourself to do it anyway in little, broken down tasks.

Threatening suicide and flouncing off doesn't change anything. What's stronger? The illness or love for your girls? You don't have to be perfect, just show you are trying. Doesn't have to be totally tidy, just clean. Perfect parents don't exist. Perfect homes don't exist. It just has to be good enough.

@wishingstaar12 may I ask what brought your family to their attention?

Posters are bizzarely focusing on your home.

but one child has been out of school two years wirh severe anxiety, why is your second child also unable to attend school,what is she unwell with? You also have diagnoses anxiety and depression,

so this is much more than the stats of your home, and for it to get to thr stage the authorities think it maybe better for the girls not to live there, then there are clearly ongoing and very severe issues, you say they have been involved a long time,

cleaninf your home is a must , but I not think this will resolve the issues of the welfare of the children,

But it’s not just home conditions is it, both children are very unwell as is the op.

How long has this been ongoing ?
I had a friend who basically became a horder and it just wasn't suitable for her children. She loves her children and didnt intentionally do any harm to them . But the house was unsuitable.
I know its easy for us all to say just tidy . But you do need to make a plan and do one room at a time. Then keep it tidy.
A safe clean home life if a top priority for social services and if they feel you cant get to that point they wont just keep giving you more time. Not that the dads house sounds any better.
I hope you can get some support or they give you more time.
Or use the time they are at the dads house to sort yours

No she said one of fne main areas of concern, it is very obviously much more than that, with a 14 year old and 6 year old not attending school due to ill health

I completely agree. Clean now worry about a diagnosis later. Your childrem deserve a clean comfortable home.There is nothing absolutely nothing I would not do to keep my children. And I too have ADHD.