Am I unreasonable to feel my mum prioritises my gran too much?

[Curlyfifteen]

AIBU?

My mother is 72 and her mother is 98. My mother is one of 3 siblings who live locally to my gran (well 4 but one is unwell).

She will frequently cancel visits to see my children, her grandchildren because Gran is unwell - Gran is unwell sometimes with tummy discomfort but more often with depression and heart palputations. Or will end a visit early because Gran is asking when she will get back to her house so she knows she is safe.

We visited her in August to stay a few nights as she said she would like it. When we were there it was clear we were in the way, my mum was screaming at things and we just felt in the way. So we left the next day.

I havven't called her to see when she might call us, that was back in August. We have exchanged a few text where she says how demanding gran is aand all the sorting out she has to do for gran.

AIBU to think her relationship with gran out of proportion?

I feel sad I am not important to my Mum though I accepted this a while back. Now I am sad for my kids who love their Gran - when she is not stressed out they find her funny and kind and love time with her.

As tough as it is for you OP, I can’t shift the feeling of how deeply intolerable it must be for your mother. Honestly, at her age I would be angry and resentful of what seems like a life of demands and expectations. I know you may not like this, but I hope you can consider that when you are in your seventies you won’t feel you still have to meet the demands of elderly care and grand-parenting. I add you probably only want to see your mum and feel seen yourself, but it is a bloody hard slog for your mum right now. Also key here for me is that is a story about women again, carrying domestic labour and emotional care. It really sucks.

edited to say I see there is also care for your sibling. The load is too heavy. You all have my sympathy.

You should be supporting your Mother, not slating her on a public forum.

You’ve had a lot of criticism on this thread, probably not helped by framing it around your grandmother and not mentioning your disabled sibling, nor the context of being the invisible, lent on child.

Different circumstances, but I too was the “coper”, the one leant on, whose surviving parent had plenty of time for others but never for me or my children, and it took years to come to terms with that.

It hurts. I see you, and I see your sadness, and your feelings are valid.

You probably won’t get what you need or would like from your mum, she just can’t give it, not least because life has dealt her a hell of a hand (& I note most posters are assuming the great grandmother is a lovely little old lady who is definitely about to keel over - so many assumptions!). I honestly think that if you can access some counselling to unpack all this, it might help. You’ve had a lot to deal with too and I’m not hearing that you have had a lot of support.

So you are wanting mum's attention, but too busy to help her!! How self-centred. You should be going out of your way to help your mum care for your gran, not trying to pull your mum away.

Oh calm yourself down and post like an actual sentient adult.

There's no "of course your mum will prioritise her own mother" about it. What a narrow point of view.

I've been on Mumsnet almost daily for 20 years and doubt I've ever seen such an unhinged pile-on.

Hug your mum. Then hug her tighter.

Hug your grandmother. Then hug her tighter.

Just love on them with all you have.

It sounds like your mum was really looking forward to spending time with you and the kids and became stressed.

Maybe she overreacted, or possibly she was just so overwhelmed.

I get that it can't have been easy, but, just stop. We all think our parents have it together but how much stress is she under right now?

She's likely not got in touch because she's upset.

Reach out. Offer an ear. She probably needs it more than you realise.

You feel not important to your mum? your poor mum s elderly herself and is having to look after her very old mum. She probably needs her siblings to take up some of the work load, but you should be more understanding of this and fnd a way to offer support than act lke she s delberately forgettng you. Why not go be there for your gran for a weekend and give your mum some time off?

God, this has to be a wind-up!

Go care for your dad then and let your mum be wth her grandchildren? No way, you are too selfish.

Your poor mum sounds extremely stressed when she is elderly herself! Please support her, be a listener and a great daughter like she is to her mum.

Just call your Mum and stop playing games waiting to see if she calls you. My mum has been caring for my 98 year old Nan on her own for years and running herself into the ground in the process, so my priority has been checking up on her and helping her where I can as was worrying about her as well.
Unfortunately my Nan passed away on Sunday. I have never begrudged the time she spent with my Nan over my 2 kids and Nan needed her. And when my Mum is older and needs me more, I will do exactly the same for her. For now, focus is on my mum whilst she is grieving for her Mum. Time is precious, especially when they are 98 and need help.

You are being completely unreasonable. Your grandmother is 98 and she takes priority, there is no way around it. Your mum is caring for the woman who brought her up and you need to accept that. There will be time for everything else later but right now Gran comes first. That is how it is.

You’ve admitted when she is not stressed she is lovely. Have you actually asked if there is anything you can do to support her? If your own children were vulnerable you would put them above everything else. This is exactly the same.

You ought to be ashamed. Pick up the phone and tell her you get how hard this is. Tell her you are there whenever she needs to talk. And send her some flowers.

How selfish!! Your mum is of an age where she should be resting. Free to do as she pleases and potentially be receiving some support herself, however she is a carer for her even more elderly mother. Perhaps by the time she stops she has no capacity left to call. I assume she brought you up too so has had a care role her entire adult life. Perhaps see how you can suppprt or make her feel loved and valued not judged!! In life we have to traige ...my 98 year old nan comes first because she is 98!!! My 17 year old regularly makes my dinner because I'm tired from looking after others and my work. This is what families do. Your poor mum.

I agree with most of the posts above. When I cared for my ailing father, it, plus working, took about 10 hours of my day. I was exhausted and pretty much left my husband to it for months. You just have to care for a loved one. Luckily he was totally understanding. Please don't add to her burden - just ask in which ways you can support her and try to see the situation through her eyes.

You are entitled to feel how you feel but your poor mum. I’m considerably younger than your DM and looking after 2 elderly parents and working full time and trying to keep in touch with my adult sons and stop my husband feeling totally abandoned. It’s a lot. Not just the physical work but the emotional work that means you aren’t doing anything well and feel guilty when you are not there. Have you tried talking to your DM to see how she is really feeling?

Are you for real?
Wise up..and grow up