Am I unreasonable to feel my mum prioritises my gran too much?

[Curlyfifteen]

AIBU?

My mother is 72 and her mother is 98. My mother is one of 3 siblings who live locally to my gran (well 4 but one is unwell).

She will frequently cancel visits to see my children, her grandchildren because Gran is unwell - Gran is unwell sometimes with tummy discomfort but more often with depression and heart palputations. Or will end a visit early because Gran is asking when she will get back to her house so she knows she is safe.

We visited her in August to stay a few nights as she said she would like it. When we were there it was clear we were in the way, my mum was screaming at things and we just felt in the way. So we left the next day.

I havven't called her to see when she might call us, that was back in August. We have exchanged a few text where she says how demanding gran is aand all the sorting out she has to do for gran.

AIBU to think her relationship with gran out of proportion?

I feel sad I am not important to my Mum though I accepted this a while back. Now I am sad for my kids who love their Gran - when she is not stressed out they find her funny and kind and love time with her.

OP, you are an adult with a family of your own, unless I am mistaken. Unless there is some back story here that you didn't have a good relationship with your mother, I think you've had your share of care from your mum and now need to start paying it back, as your mother is to hers. My grandmother died long before DD came along but I would have loved them to meet. I think you might be missing an opportunity here because you are keeping score.

Your mother's relationship with her mum is out of proportion to your relationship with her: you haven't once said you are worried about your mother as her own mother reaches the end of her life. What exactly is it you feel your mum should be doing for you that she isn't doing because she is looking after your gran? Did your mum move 1.5 hours away or did you?

Christ people are being hard on you OP - there are several siblings to assist DGM and you are not looking for much just some engagement and a loving interest - that's not unreasonable. I didn't stop engaging with my DD when my own DM was elderly and dying. I live a plane ride away from my DD and her family - I've a lot going on with elderly PILs but unthinkable that I'd ignore my only child and her family so YANBU

Good lord. That poor woman. Taking care of 98-year-old mum and the severely disabled DD. I wouldn't be having a strop at her ever.

OP it was very disingenuous of you not to mention that your mother is also a full time carer for your adult learning disabled sibling.
I feel really sorry for your mum, pulled in every direction, and probably emotionally exhausted with a life time of care for your sister, coupled with the anxiety about what will happen to her when your mum dies, and on top of that knowing she will soon lose her own mother.
I’m sure life has been hard for you too, growing up with a disabled sibling, and maybe being expected to perform more adult roles than your peers, such as cooking etc but now is not the time to act as if in spite to your mum.

I agree.

Though it also must be hard being someone's daughter but never being the priority. I think a lot of resentment has built up here, which is understandable, but very difficult for the mum to avoid in the circumstances perhaps.

Well it seems theres a reason for that, that you missed off in these "poor me" posts.

It does sound like youre craving the attention as a grown woman that you probably missed in your younger years due to your sister but, christ, your poor mum has suffered by the sound of it.

Yeah I'm with others who just has sympathy for your mum.

Your view of 'I feel sad I am not important to my Mum' is just feeling sorry for yourself. You can be important to your mum and she can prioritise your gran - they aren't mutually exclusive.

Your kids will adapt to what they have - lots of children are far closer and lots far more removed from their grandparents - plus you live 1.5 hours away so you aren't around the corner. You feel sad she can't prioritise you yet you are unwilling to help her with your gran - you aren't prioritising her either - you have said you have young children so you are prioritising them (not a judgement but a fact).

I think the most telling thing is that this is all about you. No worry for your mum and what she has to do. No worry for your gran and her advanced age. A tummy bug can be fatal to someone that age and you trivialise it.

Your poor mother.

You are being very unreasonable.

You know op
People don't change as they get older
You were not your mum's priority when you were 11
So why do you expect to be a priority now ?
It's interesting she hasn't phoned you since August,when you last phoned her .
I suspect..she will have more time for you when her mum dies
But that time will be about what she expects from you
My situation with my mum was similar in a lot of ways
I had a lot of counselling to help me cope
Basically,I just wasn't ever her priority...I'm sensing it's the same for you op...
I'm sorry it's like this for you xx

OP there’s clearly a backstory here which you probably should have put in your OP. In a non toxic family dynamic your post sounded very selfish, unreasonable and quite juvenile. In light of what you have since said about her stopping cooking for you when you were 11 and you having to take on responsibilities that a parent should be doing, that puts things in a different light. If you haven’t been given the love and care from your mother since childhood and weren’t a priority then it’s normal to still crave these things and be damaged by it. If she wasn’t capable of providing those things then people generally don’t change. You’ll drive yourself crazy chasing what she’ll never give you. I’d focus on your own family and try to stop expecting anything from her. Easier said than done, I know. I’d imagine if your mum is in her 70s you must be in your 40’s yourself. You have to try to let this go for your own sanity. Get some therapy if you can afford it. People can only continue to hurt and disappoint you if you continue to let them x

This is just such a bizarre thread - do you realise that being 98 is quite challenging? That caring for someone who is 98 is arduous and draining?

You seem to think your mom and gran are having a barrel of laughs, while selfishly excluding you.

My mom became dad's carer - she was early 80s and he was in his 90s. I did every single thing in my power to share the incredible burden with her. I did not wonder why she wasn't devoting more time to my daughter and I - it's wouldn't have occurred to me to do so!

Do you feel no responsibility to help your gran?

There’s a lot to unpick here OP.

It sounds like she didn’t give you much care and attention when you were a child, and doesn’t give your DC much attention either. So it seems like a smack in the face that she is so attentive to her DM?

I think you’re getting a certain type of response because you’ve framed it all around your gran. I think if you’d written a post about how your DM treated you as a child and how you felt unimportant to her then and now, the responses would be very different.

In an ideal world your mum really should have called you to repair this (she being the parent and you being invited to visit and then treated as if you were in the way - that must have hurt). I'd cut her some slack though as she is full on with her own mother and is elderly herself. I'd be less harder on you than other posters - I think you just want to be "seen" a bit by her and reached out to which is normal but I just don't think your poor mum has the bandwidth at present and so my only advice is to reach out to her, tell her you miss her (which you clearly have) and maybe bond by offering a helping hand to her but I do get that you feel hurt.

And the severely disabled daughter that lives with the mum who requires round the clock care...

I think everyone is being quite hard on you here OP, I do feel very very sorry for your mum, she sounds like she is under massive stress caring for everyone.
But I agree with you that she could initiate a phone call. I think a lot of parents under strain perhaps leave the "copers" to themselves as someone they dont need to worry about or contact, and prioritise those who need more help, but in doing so neglect the feelings of those who can cope - the "copers" would like the odd chat too, now and then. I get it.

I agree. I also feel that the other siblings could help out a bit more. The load seems unbalanced and disproportionately affecting your DM, OP.

Id feel sad if it meant she missed out on seeing or interacting with her grandchildren. Sounds like she doesn’t have much capacity for much else currently.

I don’t think this is a classic example of a sandwich generation if her mum is in her 90s and her children are adults. Sandwich generation really is more specifically someone trying to care for their own young and dependent children as well as ill/elderly parents.

So she became a single mum of two (at least), where one of them was profoundly disabled and needs 24-hour care. Obviously we don't know why they split up, you may not know the real reason, even if you've been given a reason.

But what I will say is that no one leaves a relationship for no good reason, if they were in the situation your mum was in.

Yes, YABU, massively. That's her 92 year old mum, she might not have many more years left with her?! Why can't you or other family members help lighten her load? You sound very hard work and entitled to be honest 😕

She is caring for one of her dependent children, as well as her mother. She's about as sandwich as you can get albeit much older (with the resulting less energy and more aches and pains).

No she’s not at all. She a lady in her 70s caring for her mother in her 90s! The OP is this lady’s daughter and she is an adult with her own children- not a dependent!

No.

The OP left a significant detail out.

Her mum as well as caring for her mum, cares for her adult daughter (ops sister) who lives with her, is severely disabled, requires 24 care and has a mental age of 2. The OP left the non inconsequential detail of the sister out.

What a drip feed and it took someone else to do it because the OP decided to be dishonest. This elderly woman cares for two highly dependent people. I echo my earlier comment, your poor mother @Curlyfifteen.

For anyone who missed it: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5568744-should-i-limit-my-childrens-time-with-their-unreliable-grandmother?reply=154261812

Wow. What an unpleasant post.
Rather than moan on mumsnet why not actually try and help your clearly overwhelmed and stressed elderly mother.

@Curlyfifteen. What do you mean "behind my back"