Am I unreasonable to feel my mum prioritises my gran too much?

[Curlyfifteen]

AIBU?

My mother is 72 and her mother is 98. My mother is one of 3 siblings who live locally to my gran (well 4 but one is unwell).

She will frequently cancel visits to see my children, her grandchildren because Gran is unwell - Gran is unwell sometimes with tummy discomfort but more often with depression and heart palputations. Or will end a visit early because Gran is asking when she will get back to her house so she knows she is safe.

We visited her in August to stay a few nights as she said she would like it. When we were there it was clear we were in the way, my mum was screaming at things and we just felt in the way. So we left the next day.

I havven't called her to see when she might call us, that was back in August. We have exchanged a few text where she says how demanding gran is aand all the sorting out she has to do for gran.

AIBU to think her relationship with gran out of proportion?

I feel sad I am not important to my Mum though I accepted this a while back. Now I am sad for my kids who love their Gran - when she is not stressed out they find her funny and kind and love time with her.

So she is only of use if she does what you want?

Trust me my mother has never cooked me a meal when we visit, she might cook for the kids behind my back out of kindness, when we visit I bring groceries etc. When she visits us, I cook a big meal for everyone.

And she has a very old mum to help look after, knowing she hasnt got long left. The stress of that is immense.

Have you called her to check in and ask how she is after you left early on your last visit?

Do you feel any empathy towards your mum's situation at all?

Can you expand on this?

Well, maybe after leaving early from your visit and then not bothering to call afterwards, leaving her to deal with whatever she was struggling with at the time compleletly unsupported, because it was unconfortable for you - makes her think you aren't very interested in her and only interested in what she can do for you.

I used to call her everyday and check on her until august. Then I decided to see if she wanted to talk to us and see if she would call but she never did.

Youre sad that your mum is spending time with her 98 year old mum instead of prioritising you and now you dont even call her? Selfish! Help your mum or at least try and have some empathy.

Why not, on a visit to your mother, go and spend some time with your grandmother and maybe take a few of those “tasks” out of your mother’s hands, whilst allowing her to spend time with her grandchildren on her own, whilst you are at your grandma’s? Surely this would be a win-win situation? Your mother will (hopefully) feel less stressed and get to spend some time with her grandchildren and your children get to spend a bit of quality time with their grandma when she is more relaxed.

Id die of shame before I expected my 72 year old mum to cook a meal for me when I visit tbh.

‘Cook for the kids behind my back out of kindness’? God forbid, OP. Your mother is clearly Satan in human form.

Bloody hell OP. You need to cop on to yourself!

I’m also intrigued as to why this was posted in Parenting and not Elder Care.

I don’t think I’ve read such a self centred poor me OP for some while.

Your poor mum. What did she do to deserve this?

Unlike most people here I can understand how you're feeling. It's not nice to feel you and your family don't matter to your mum and it's not hard to pick up the phone once a week. I can't imagine anything that occupied me so much I wouldn't keep in better contact with my kids/grandchildren. That said, she is being torn and probably exhausted. Can you invite her to stay a couple of days with you (maybe in half-term) so you can maybe get some quality time with her and she can have a break too?

What happened in the lead up to you leaving early? Did you make up a plausible excuse for why you left? Or did you say it was because she was screaming etc?

If you always called her and stopped, you have sent her a very strong message that you don't want to speak.

I wouldn't mind betting that if she ever did call you, you would be too busy to speak so it's easier for her to wait for a call at your convenience.

It the same here, cooking for 'everyone' is the five usual meals plus one additional plate for my dm when she joins us, no big deal. My dm, same age as yours, lives on her own and is accoustomed to cooking for one now and it's a whole ordeal for her to knock out dinner for six. I wouldn't have the cheek to ask or the gaul to hold it against her.

You're getting a hard time on here, but I get it. On one level, are you afraid that your mother will expect you to run after her in her elder years? It might help if you absolutely promise yourself that that will not happen and that you'll set clear boundaries to avoid resentment and burnout.

You could call her a short call once a week, i get that your visit was difficult and not pleasant but perhaps it is all too much for your mum, the kids might have been noisy her mum playing on her mind. I don't know what age you are but your mum is going intobolder age and maybe it is catching up on her and she doesn't have the patience for young children.

What was she like when you were growing up were you close?

What does cooking behind your back mean?

Sounds as if your poor mum is under immense pressure. No one really expects to still be caring for an elderly parent at 72! Try showing your mum some kindness and compassion.

Sad because you feel sorry for yourself and your children?

Or sad because you feel bad for your Mum and the strain she's under?

If it is the former - you're being unreasonable. Perhaps try to help.

Completely different view here. Your mum is one of three supporting your GM. Rushing back because your grandmother is anxious when another aunt already lives with her is over the top.

I had a very demanding grandparent who we all loved dearly but who expected a lot. Their children (my mum and 3 siblings) recognised they needed to plan out care patterns and live their own lives as well for their own mental health. This sometimes involved saying no to him - I’m not talking about in an emergency but for example if he tried to insisted he needed a specific person to do something just because he preferred their car or their cooking etc, he had a choice the person who was available would do it or he could wait for a day the person he wanted to do it was free.

If your mum was struggling alone I’d have more sympathy but care for one person between three of them shouldn’t mean she is unable to manage a call with grandkids for a month.

I wish you'd put voting buttons on OP so that you could see in real time what most of us really think of you

I think you’re getting a hard time here @Curlyfifteen

i sort of understand where you are coming from, as my mum is like this to be except it’s my dad she is “caring” for. He doesn’t actually have any specific health conditions other than undiagnosed anxiety which he would never admit to but makes my mums life revolve around him.

she is missing her grandchildren grow up. Contrary to other posters - actually you don’t get unlimited time or chances with grandkids and if you don’t establish a relationship early on, they aren’t going to be remotely interested in her when she is suddenly available and they arent little kids anymore.

my mum didn’t have the capacity for me when I really needed her and our relationship will never recover. She made her priorities clear.

Absolutely agree with this.
I would go further.
I don’t get why some on this thread want to prioritise their mother to such an extent.
If you are 72 and your mum is 98 you have enjoyed 72 years with her.
If you are 72 and your daughter is 42 you have enjoyed 42 years with her.
If you are 72 and die at 75 because you ran after your DM even though she had someone else staying with her, then I feel very sad for the daughter at 42.

Fwiw my own mum was a young Gran she was working full time when mine were young
. She was busy and was also at that time looking after her mum alongside her own Sisters, but it still took its toll and we had to take a back seat, i understand it hurts that you feel like your dc are missing out, but you need to understand you are an adult and she has other priorities, although if she is selfish then you won't change her anyway.