Am I unreasonable to feel my mum prioritises my gran too much?

[Curlyfifteen]

AIBU?

My mother is 72 and her mother is 98. My mother is one of 3 siblings who live locally to my gran (well 4 but one is unwell).

She will frequently cancel visits to see my children, her grandchildren because Gran is unwell - Gran is unwell sometimes with tummy discomfort but more often with depression and heart palputations. Or will end a visit early because Gran is asking when she will get back to her house so she knows she is safe.

We visited her in August to stay a few nights as she said she would like it. When we were there it was clear we were in the way, my mum was screaming at things and we just felt in the way. So we left the next day.

I havven't called her to see when she might call us, that was back in August. We have exchanged a few text where she says how demanding gran is aand all the sorting out she has to do for gran.

AIBU to think her relationship with gran out of proportion?

I feel sad I am not important to my Mum though I accepted this a while back. Now I am sad for my kids who love their Gran - when she is not stressed out they find her funny and kind and love time with her.

She sounds incredibly stressed and overwhelmed — a classic instance of an older ‘sandwich generation’ person torn between competing responsibilities as a carer to an elderly parent and to her own child and grandchildren.

I think I’d be more worried about her than angry.

Your grandmother is almost 100 years old and your mum is also technically elderly, my mum is 74 she couldn't cope with looking after a 98 year old parent, it sounds like your mum is struggling and that might be why she didn't enjoy your visit in August, I would personally cut her some slack.

Gosh it sounds incredibly stressful for your mum- everyone wanting her time and attention. Sounds exhausting.

She is her mum and at 98 she has a finite amount of time left with her. My mum lived to be 98 and I helped care for her in her last few years. I miss her desperately now that she is gone and I wish I had spent more time with her while I could. My adult dc absolutely supported me and encouraged me to help care for her, though none of them have children yet so that wasn't an issue tbf. Hopefully your dc will have many years to enjoy your mum being around, support her now while she needs you.

YABVU

Her siblings still have time for their grandchildren.

For more context one aunt lives with gran, another lives 15mins drive away, another 20mins drive.

I am not angry, just sad.

God, your poor dm. I hope by the time I'm in my 70s I'm not wedged between failing parents and a sulking daughter.

It sounds like your Mum needs more support. Where does Gran live? Does she Gran/your Mum need more support?

Your poor mum. No, I don't think her relationship is out of proportion nor that this is evidence of you not being important. Her mother is very elderly and unlikely to live much longer. It also sounds very stressful- can you support her more?

I know it’s hard, your feelings are valid but your mother is under a huge amount of stress. It doesn’t sound like she’s got a lot of support. Try and put yourself in her shoes? How would she feel if she didn’t help your grandmother on one occasion and something happened, do you think she could forgive herself?

Well, presumably this attitude is precisely why she experiences you as an extra source of pressure and expectation, contributing to her losing it when you visited.

Your poor mum, caught in the middle of demands on her from every direction. I hope she has a bit of time for herself one day.

Why would you be angry? You should be worried and concerned for her.

How old are you and your kids?

What are YOU actually doing to support your mum???

I agree with this.
I feel very sad for your mum. She has limited time left with her mum, she is no longer young herself, and her daughter is punishing her by not calling her.
Where is your empathy?

I feel sorry for your Mum, she herself is not so young anymore and being beholden to an elderly mother must be exhausting. It sounds like your mum needs support from her own children while she deals with this, not extra stress and demands upon her.

Bloody hell. I'm in the thick of this at 64. I simply can't imagine still doing it in another decade. Your poor Mum. These should be her own golden years. I give my 31 year old son pretty much no attention at all. I simply can't take on responsibility or the emotional dependence of yet another person. I know I'm short changing him, but he will have to sink or swim.

YANBU. Elder care is an absolute nightmare and I have no intention of doing it myself.

So when is she allowed a life of her own?

My goodness OP. I dont think i have ever read such a me, me, me post. Take a look at yourself. Your poor mother, who is in her 70s is helping care for her mum in her 90s but somehow its all about you.

Her mum is nearly 100. She wont be around much longer. Have a bit of compassion for your own mother, if you can

So take over some of your grandmother’s care to free up your mother to have some time to herself and perhaps spend some low-pressure time with your children once she’s had a chance to catch her breath a bit?

You need to be doing things to make your mums life easier not harder how about cooking her some meals or visiting your nan more or going round without the kids for a cup off tea (you make it) and ask if there is anything you can do to help

I get your logic, but I have two young children, 7 and 3 and live 1.5hrs away.

I'm not expecting my mum to travel that way but a phone call for the kids or to be nice when we visit would be good.

You’re sad but not for your mum, how can you not see how torn she feels? And you’re being childish not calling her. When you were there did you offer to take over her ‘duties’ for a day? That way she could have spent time with your dc and you could have done something for your mum.