Am I unreasonable to feel my mum prioritises my gran too much?

[Curlyfifteen]

AIBU?

My mother is 72 and her mother is 98. My mother is one of 3 siblings who live locally to my gran (well 4 but one is unwell).

She will frequently cancel visits to see my children, her grandchildren because Gran is unwell - Gran is unwell sometimes with tummy discomfort but more often with depression and heart palputations. Or will end a visit early because Gran is asking when she will get back to her house so she knows she is safe.

We visited her in August to stay a few nights as she said she would like it. When we were there it was clear we were in the way, my mum was screaming at things and we just felt in the way. So we left the next day.

I havven't called her to see when she might call us, that was back in August. We have exchanged a few text where she says how demanding gran is aand all the sorting out she has to do for gran.

AIBU to think her relationship with gran out of proportion?

I feel sad I am not important to my Mum though I accepted this a while back. Now I am sad for my kids who love their Gran - when she is not stressed out they find her funny and kind and love time with her.

So none of this is really about her mum. This is about you having long term issues with her as your mother.

I think you are getting a bit of tough response here. You probably do need to show more empathy here (take a look on the elderly parents board to get a sense of the pressure that can build up) but, also, your mother should really step back and think about how she wants to live her life. With that many hands-on siblings, none of them should be self-immolating - leaving a visit to children early because an elderly parent who has other people available is anxious is clearly a poor allocation of time.

There are always people saying “you don’t know long you’ve got” and “this isn’t an endless phase” but the same people tend to start saying this about , say, 83 year old parents, which in this case is 15 years ago. Meanwhile, grandchildren aren’t little children for any longer - that phase of life too can be missed.

I think Christmas is get hit with this a lot, dragging young children around the country over Christmas, because it “ might be granny’s last one” and the next thing you know the children are 15 and you can’t get them up in the morning to open presents!

OF COURSE your mum will prioritise her 98 year old mum - who won’t have much time left - over her very young grandchildren who she will have decades with (pending her own health) once her mother has gone. Your thought process of expecting her to put your children first is so self absorbed it’s batshit crazy. Reverse?

I’m not sure if she meant to put it on AIBU instead of parenting, but assumed she didn’t, and having had a check back up the top, I can see where the confusion lies, as she’d asked if she was unreasonable. Although, I’d imagine she didn’t actually want a poll/pile-on/bunfight that would've likely ensued had she posted on there instead of here!

Absolutely agree. I think there may even be four siblings caring for the grandmother (“one aunt lives with gran, another lives 15mins drive away, another 20mins drive”) besides the fifth who is ill. Why on earth would OP’s mum leave her daughter’s house and cut short time with her grandchildren because grandma wants to know she’s safely back home?! The grandmother doesn’t need to know her daughter’s every move. I feel really sorry for OP, and also concerned about the potential impact on her mum’s mental health of living under such constant scrutiny. Screaming at things one day into a visit from her daughter and grandchildren really doesn’t sound good.

Children are only young for a short while. Grandmother has lived her life, has plenty of family around to help with care including one of daughters living with her, and you think op is selfish for wanting to spend some time with her mum? Not even a phone call since August! It takes ten mins of the day to check in. I’m caring for pil, working full time AND I can ring my dc once a sodding week.

My DM didn't call me, or my siblings, because she believed we had busier lives than she did and she didn't want to bother us. I was always the one to call her and I never resented it. She died last year. I wish I could call her one last time. One day this will be you too.

Op could call her mum? She was the one who cut the last visit short. Someone has to make the first move and tbf it shouldnt automatically be op, but there again before the bait and switch post i could see why the mum probably thought better to leave the ball in op's court.

To be honest, it sounds like you have a complicated relationship with your mum. It's ok to feel sad that she doesn't prioritise you and her grandchildren but that might be the case even if she didn't have her elderly mother to care for. You cannot change things in reality so finding a way to come to acceptance is the only way forward really. Prioritise those in your life that do make the effort.

Your update shows this is a much bigger issue.
Your mum won't change.

I think your attitude is outrageous. Of course your mum will prioritise her own mother at this stage in her life. It would be different if you were a child but you’re an adult with children of your own. When my mum was in her 90s and in failing health, it never occurred to me not to make her my top priority - my daughter was in her late 20s/early 30s and didn’t need me in the way that she did when she was younger, whereas my Mum DID need my support. In her final years, or course I dropped everything to go to her when she needed me, and when I could, I also supported my mother in law, who was also in seriously declining health at the same time as my Mum. My only regret is that I wasn’t able to do more for either of them. I woukd have been so ashamed of my daughter if she had ever complained about me prioritising either of her grandmothers.

Until you have had to choose between caring for an elderly parent who may not be around much longer, and DC who you hope you will be able to devote more time to when the parent is no longer here, perhaps you won't get it. She probably no longer thinks what she needs or wants and just tries to prioritise the other people who need her, and she will not see you as an immediate need. She probably thinks when her own mum (presumably your grandmother, do you ever bother with her?) is gone, she will have more time for you.

Sorry but to me you sound very self centered and from your follow up posts I get the vibe that you don't much like your mum, or you are so caught up in resentment that you have forgotten you care for her and that she is probably exhausted.

Gosh, I feel really sorry for your mum. She’s stuck between a rock and a hard place.

yabvvu

It sounds tough for your mum. I think you should be more supportive to be honest. I think you should try having a chat with her about how things are for her at the moment, and see if she would like to reduce the load she seems to have taken on. She may feel bad about doing less for her mum and it might be good for her to talk about it. Do it for her, not for you.

So take the younger one with you if they aren't in nursery, leave after the school run, arrive 10.30, stay till 1.30, give your mum some help and spend time with your great grandmother who is going to die pretty soon.

Why wouldn't you want to maximise your time with them?

Honestly you sound totally self absorbed.

She's mentally and physically exhausted! Call her!

Jings your gran is 98 and your mum is an OAP! Cut her some slack. My mum and dad were running around after my grandad when they were 70 and he was 92. It was a relief when he died as I was worried he was going to see my parents off! It’s a lot and she probably feels torn.

YABVU and selfish

Your poor mum. Torn between her mother who won't be around much longer and her children/grandchildren. She sounds very stressed and overworked. Perhaps try and see things from her point of view. She might want to see more of you and her grandchild but she can't because she is supporting her mother

Agree, can't you go round and help out, with your partner (or another relative/friend) if the kids are too young to be safe unsupervised? That way, you all get to see each other, and it makes it easier on your mum.

Gran is nearly 100. Your mother is under so much pressure to help care for her. Especially being in her seventies it can't be easy. I think give her a break.

I sometimes AS to see if there's any further context in these sorts of situations. So here comes the mother of all drip feeds:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/5568744-should-i-limit-my-childrens-time-with-their-unreliable-grandmother?reply=154261812

Not only does the OPs mum care for 98 year old mother, her severely disabled adult child, with a mental age off 2 (the sister that was mentioned) lives with her too.

OP, with your sister's needs I suspect you were the stereotypical glass child, and then surprisingly that impacts your relationship with your mum now.

I suspect you've had a lifetime of being told 'x needs...' with your own needs coming second. That must be incredibly difficult.

However your mum's caring responsibilities are insane, and I do think you are being unfair on her. Yes you have two young children, but you have nowhere near the same amount of pressure on you as she does as an old lady. It would be nice if the other siblings took over most of the care duties for your gran, given she's looking after your sister, but don't disregard that your mum will love her mum and want to spend time with her, given how little of it will be left.

Testing your mum by not phoning, when you know why she's so busy and stressed, is a bit of a dick move tbh. Equally stropping off the day after you went to see her rather than mucking in with family and seeing what you can do to help your mum, isn't great.

Duplicate

I guess there is a little bit of the past creeping in. She stopped cooking regularly when she left her husband and I was 11. After that if I wanted a meal i had to make it, i often cooked for all of us. Occasionally she would cook and complain about it, so I just felt like a burden.