Am I unreasonable to feel my mum prioritises my gran too much?

[Curlyfifteen]

AIBU?

My mother is 72 and her mother is 98. My mother is one of 3 siblings who live locally to my gran (well 4 but one is unwell).

She will frequently cancel visits to see my children, her grandchildren because Gran is unwell - Gran is unwell sometimes with tummy discomfort but more often with depression and heart palputations. Or will end a visit early because Gran is asking when she will get back to her house so she knows she is safe.

We visited her in August to stay a few nights as she said she would like it. When we were there it was clear we were in the way, my mum was screaming at things and we just felt in the way. So we left the next day.

I havven't called her to see when she might call us, that was back in August. We have exchanged a few text where she says how demanding gran is aand all the sorting out she has to do for gran.

AIBU to think her relationship with gran out of proportion?

I feel sad I am not important to my Mum though I accepted this a while back. Now I am sad for my kids who love their Gran - when she is not stressed out they find her funny and kind and love time with her.

I genuinely cant work out if this is a serious post.

The woman is 98 years old we have no idea how we will cope with being 98, will we be frightened will we be anxious we might have physical and cognitive decline, I don't think we know how we will behave towards our adult children at 98.

Your poor, poor mum.

Jesus H. Christ. A real human being has written this...

Saying this is the nicest possible way...she's 98...this is unlikely to be an issue for that much longer.

I think it was supposed to be a piss take.

I hope it was, otherwise, yea....wow 😂😂

I don't get it ?

Give her a ring OP, don't add to her stress with this silent treatment, she's got a lot going on.

Yanbu to feel that way at all OP, I completely understand. Unfortunately some old people are wholly selfish. They may not know it, but they are.

Your Mum is missing out on her young grandchildren and I am sure she will regret that one day.

I feel sorry for you all.

I think you’re getting a right bashing here op and it’s unfair. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with your mum and for her to have time with you and your dc. She’s got siblings. One lives with her. Surely she can spare five mins for a phone call.

I know your mum must feel quite overwhelmed and her life is busy. She’s prioritising her mum. My dh and I are helping to care for my pil. We still make time for our dc and our cherished grandchildren. They are only young once and we want to be a part of their lives. So we’ve put extra care in place for pil. It’s a difficult balancing act.

hope it works out op x

I don’t think the OP is getting an un necessary bashing at all. She seems very self absorbed and lacking in understanding or empathy.

Having just cared for my late mother I can totally understand the mother’s situation. It’s exhausting in every sense, emotionally and physically. You are well aware that your mother hasn’t got long and needs help. Carers were pretty rubbish and I still ended up doing a lot myself while spending a fortune. So I took over. I was on the floor towards the end. I expect your mum is if she was shouting and getting upset.
And for those that families who think the little children should take priority- would you feel the same if it was one of your children poorly and needing care- stick them in a room with useless carers while the rest of the family carries on as normal? Of course you wouldn’t because you love them… well it’s the same for some of us with our parents.
My mum died this year and I feel like I have now got my life back again a bit. It was incredibly difficult and sometimes very stressful. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. Please have a little empathy for your mum. She probably has very little time left with her mum and probably that’s in her mind.

What’s your mum’s memory like? My Mum has dementia and one of the first changes was her not initiating phonecalls to me or my sister.

She also started to struggle with changes in routine like visitors.

It felt like she was less interested in us, but that wasn’t the case, it was just that her brain couldn’t do everything it had before.

It could be carer burnout like others have suggested, but I wouldn’t leap to assuming she cares more about her mum than you and the grand kids.

I don't really help mum now. I am scared to. When I was younger I did a lot, I cared for my poorly sister in evenings and weekends when I was not at school. I would get up and care for her before school. More I gave the more she leaned on me. i would cook most of the meals because mum seemed too unavailable to do it.

Eventually the pressure became too much, I developed my own issues and was hospitalised twice.

Now I get scared to help in case expectations grow and grow.

I know that sounds selfish but not sure the solution.

To be fair my MIL is 76 and would think DH and I had gone nuts if we started trying to cook meals while in her house. It's her house and she does the cooking, she would hate us touching her stuff.

But you're assuming the OP's mother has a healthy, mutually-respectful relationship with her mother -- FOG-type relationships don't magically turn all sweetness and light just because the participants are in their 70s and 90s. Perhaps the OP's mother has a very complicated, fearful, guilty, obligated relationship with her mother, which has very little to do with how much care she needs. Maybe she's like my own people-pleasing mother, who inflicted her vicious mother on us for much of my childhood, because she regarded her children as aspects of herself, and thought it was fine for me to share a bed with an incontinent, vicious-tongued elderly woman.

Regardless of whether the OP's mother is caring for her own mother out of love or guilt and obligation, it doesn't make her any less overwhelmed or able to take time out to either care for herself or see her daughter or her grandchildren. Probably the reverse. But either way, the OP isn't going to be able to change her mother now.

Exactly! I don’t expect it. Was just replying to the other comment.

Perhaps they don't help your gran as much. Cut your mum some slack, it's an awful situation to be in and one you might find yourself in one day.

OK -- but as someone who also grew up parenting myself and my younger siblings because of overwhelmed and incapable parents, why are you expecting more from her now than you got in childhood, when you were the child and she was the grownup? She's in her 70s and is unlikely to change now, from whatever it is that made her be this way. You have to let go your expectations.

In the nicest possible way when our kids are that young we’re so exhausted and wondering why we’re so isolated because we’re just moving, running and nobody seems to be helping or making time for us but your mum is doing an amazing thing that a lot of people wouldn’t bother to do. The things she cancels for are more of a big deal than you can realise because you’re you get and they’re not in your stratosphere yet. Give her a break!!!!

I think you may have quoted the wrong post. I have lots of sympathy for the OP. Her update further suggests there’s a lot more to this and that she has been sidelined by her mother since childhood - perhaps her mother does have issues of her own - but the OP should protect herself and her own children which is what she is currently doing.

Ah, its just that comment was suggesting you cook for her. So you saying she never cooks for you, along with everything else, sounds a bit "why should I? She never cooks for me"

You need to cut your mum some slack she is caring for her poorly mother, whilst trying to survive. Your mum is elderly also. You need to realise she will prioritise her mother right now , its nothing personal , she is unwell. You need to stop being stubborn and actually ring your mum , speak to her . The fact you haven't been in touch is really not great. Show her some empathy.

Hmm. Quite the family has been saying this for 15 years though

You are being very mean about your mum, tbh. You sound selfish

Your poor mother, and poor grandmother. I hope when you reach that age your children and grandchildren are more understanding